We spent the fourth of July at my parents lake house. We got pulled around on an innertube, shot fireworks, ate YUMMY food, and had some interesting conversations. For some reason, this particular trip reminded me of the summer that Brian died. We spent quite a bit of time at the lakehouse right after he died. I was reminded of a lot of the feelings and issues that were so overwhelming during that time.
My dad and I had a couple of discussions that I am still trying to process. We were sitting in the porch swing on the balcony of their home looking at the water and all the activity going on in the water. He began the conversation talking about a business issue he was dealing with and how he felt God had worked through it and how thankful he was that things were working out well. He then jumped to Brian's death. Again, as he has done in the past, he told me that he is still struggling with Brian's death. He doesn't understand why it happened.... And then the more he talked the more I began to struggle emotionally. It caught me off guard that I was having to fight back the tears.
Then, he said something new to me that I haven't heard him say before. He said, "Every time I come to Texas it hurts. It still hurts and every time I come see you I am reminded of what I saw when I went to Brian's truck after the accident. I wish I had never gone to see his truck. I am so glad that you never saw his truck. I can't get that picture out of my mind. It still hurts. I wish I had never seen it."
Whoooosh....out of nowhere the hurt almost overwhelms me....
I don't know how to deal with those kind of statements. It hurts me that my dad is still struggling but it also just brings those raw emotions to the surface. Three years later and it still hurts to talk about it....maybe its because I never realized how it impacted my dad...
My parents and I have never really talked a lot about how difficult it was to go through that experience together. I've often wondered what that five hour ride to Texas was like after they found out the news. I can't imagine how challenging it was for them to be so involved in our lives that year. I am not sure why we haven't really talked about it....except that maybe it is just so hard for them still....I got a glimpse of that today when my dad was talking to me....he wasn't talking "at" me...he was exposing some of his pain and struggle and it hit me in a sore spot...
I think I have tended to focus solely on how Brian's death has impacted "me". I am beginning to understand now that I wasn't the only one affected by it. I guess that's proof that grief can be a very selfish experience. I tended to think only of how "I" was dealing with things....and that was enough to keep me overwhelmed.
The other conversation that caught me off guard was actually a bad reaction that I had to something my dad said. I was trying to get the kids ready to leave for the four hour roadtrip home and my dad made some mention of all that "we" had to do. By "we" he meant my mom and himself. They did have a lot to do to close up the house but the way he was going on and on about it just hit me wrong. In not one of my finer moments I said "there is no "we", it's just "me"...all "me" and I have to get in the car and drive four hours by myself....and unload by myself....there is no we"
Where did that come from? I was angry when I said it....really angry.
I'm not an angry person.....and I don't usually snap at my parents.
Sometimes I feel so proud of how I am handling things....and then sometimes I just want to slap people for whining about things that seem like luxuries to me....I wish I had a "we" to help me....I wish I didn't always get the worst sleeping accommodations because there is only "one" of me and there are "two" of each of my siblings....I wish.....I could go on and on and on....
The point of this post???? It's still difficult sometimes....as much as I would like to think that I will eventually be emotionless about Brian's death, I realized today that will likely never happen.....and I guess I am a little confused about why I jumped down my dad's throat over something as simple as his long list of things they had to get done....
2 comments:
I can relate so very well to this post. My father also is still having a difficult time and it seems to help him to talk about it as he feels it. I know this is what he needs, but it also opens up the wound for me as well--so I simply mourn with him. We were at a family reunion this weekend and I found myself thinking things like "Don would have liked this" or "This would have driven Don nuts"--funny how those moments sneak up on us--even after years.
Marsha
I can relate so very well to this post too, just as Marsha said.
My family won't talk about Charley's death with me at all. Once or twice I've gotten an "You don't know how hard it is to watch you go through this," and it just sets me off. I know that's it's hard to watch it, but goshdangitall, if it's hard to simply watch it, what do they think it's like to have to be the one living it firsthand? Every now and then I think there should be Grief-Anon groups for our families, like Al-Anon. It might make life simpler for everyone sometimes....
The luxury whines about "we's" get me too. I've had a hard time listening to my sister and her husband fight and argue about parenting and who's too tired, who doesn't want to do what, who's being unappreciated, etc. etc. etc. Once I made some (possibly snarky...who knows?) comment in response, and my sister exploded at me, throwing my widowhood in my face. Yeah, "You know, your widowhood gets really old" sounds remarkably like, "You need to hurry up and get over it." And it couldn't have come from a worse person either, as she was one of the closest people to me since Charley died. We're okay now, but I can't ever get that hurt totally out of my mind.
Sorry...I'm totally venting and babbling now. How to relate to our families as they support US is such a weird undertone to grief, isn't it?
Thanks for this post.
Candice
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