VBS Week

VBS is here for 2009. It has been a great week so far. I've had some really cool moments that have reminded me of how far I have come.

I haven't been focused on VBS being connected to Brian's death. There has been no emotional connection there this year. This is a huge change and something that I am very grateful for. The past three years have been stark reminders of what happened the week of VBS in 2005. This year it is a non-issue.

I realized it was a non-issue when a child was brought to me yesterday who had just lost her cousin in a car wreck. The little girl got upset in the large group rally time because it was her first time being back in the worship center since the funeral for her cousin. Without hesitating, without thinking about it all, I was able to talk with her. I teared up a little but it was for her, not for me. I understood what she was struggling with and we had a nice talk about her cousin, how normal it is for her to be upset and sad, etc. I'm thankful to be in a place where I can offer my empathy and not let my own "stuff" get mixed in and become overwhelming.

Another highlight for me was Sunday night at the off-site VBS. It was a simple gesture but I was blessed. Two little girls came to the kick-off party without their swimsuits. I noticed them sitting over to the side crying. I went up to talk to the mom and found out they were crying because they couldn't swim. I asked the mom if it was ok if I ran to Wal-Mart and bought them both a swimsuit so they could enjoy the pool. She said yes and so off I went on a mission. I rushed off, found a couple of swimsuits at Wal-mart, and came back to deliver them to the girls. They were thrilled and so excited. The mom thanked me over and over again. I know the girls were happy to get to swim, but I was blessed by being able to give them something as simple as a bathing suit.

It feels good this year at VBS. Lots of wonderful things happening. The best is yet to come....

Grateful for time and the healing it provides.....

No word....

No word from my commercial tenants.  I am assuming this means our long relationship is coming to a close.  I talked with my attorney over the weekend and he is sending them a follow up letter tomorrow to make sure they intend to move out.  

In the meantime, I've got to come up with a plan and figure out what to do with a 7200 square foot building.  I'm praying God will guide my steps and that I will either find a tenant or buyer quickly.

I have a peace about it.  I haven't lost any sleep over it yet.  I know it may take a good long while to find tenants or a buyer.  I'm preparing myself for a long journey.  

I find it difficult to be in situations where I have no control.  This is one of those times.  I have to sit and wait and try to be wise.

I need wisdom and direction....whether to list it with a realtor....which realtor to use if I use one...

It all comes at the most busy time of my year....VBS is this week...promotion and school starting is just around the corner....

However, I was able to get a new tenant for my rent house...and I was able to raise the rent quite a bit....I'm hoping the ending will be better than the limbo I will be in for a few months.

For God's provision....regardless of the circumstances I find myself in...I'm grateful.

Lexi's Big Decision

Lexi wrote this prayer last Thursday. I've saved it and plan to make sure it is kept in a safe place for a very long time. She had been moving towards this decision for a couple of years. Off and on she would bring it up and want to talk about it. At family camp we had a chance to have a nice long talk about it. I knew she was really close. Last week she insisted she was "ready". Nathan, Lexi and I kneeled in my bedroom as she read the prayer.

I'll never forget that moment. I'm thankful I got to be a part of it.

God has great things for Lexi, I can't wait to see her grow and mature in her faith.

For the opportunity to witness her decision, I am eternally grateful!

Unconditional Trust

My trust in God is far too conditional.  As long as things are going well, it is easy for me to trust God.  Or, if the stakes aren't too high I tend to be very trusting in God and His provision.

This past week I have been on the "worry-coaster".  I've allowed difficult issues in my life to eat away at my trust in God.  I'm worried about my commercial building and whether my tenant will renew this week.  I've crunched numbers several times to see how much of an impact it will have on me financially.  I've imagined what that will be like and tried to brainstorm ways to make up for the lost income.  I've been distracted emotionally by it and have noticed my mood has been horrible.  Where is my trust in the God who has been with me and my children for the past four years?

God has been faithful to me.  I have no reason not to trust Him now.

Yet, if I am honest, I really struggle with trusting God unconditionally.

I take on responsibility that isn't mine to claim.

What an insult that must be to God...for little old me to act as if God may not be able to get me through this potential bump in the road.  

God, I want to trust you unconditionally.  Forgive me for focusing on "things" and not on your provision.  You have been so good to me.  I'm truly blessed by your presence in my life...May that always be enough!

Not sure what to say....

I'm still trying to process the past few days. Since my last post God has brought some clarity to my life, to my thoughts and to my heart. I'm thankful for that, really thankful. I suppose one of the benefits of blogging is that you can trace God's work in your life. I can look back and read my blog and see how God has walked me through some difficult and discouraging days.

We just got back from family camp. It's hard to put into words all God showed me and taught me. He didn't necessarily answer all my questions but He did provide clarity. For me, clarity comes when I allow myself to be vulnerable with God. He always has a way of meeting me where I am at and gently nudging me forward.

I've never been prouder of my kids than I was these past few days. I saw them do things I never thought they would do. They pushed themselves farther than I expected. It was a high water mark for me as a parent to see them excel and get out of their comfort zones. I was definitely out of my comfort zone. We didn't know anyone there. There were a few single parent families but the overwhelming majority were in tact families. It honestly didn't bother me all that much. I'd be lying if I said I didnt' think about it and wish things were different. But, overall, I was just proud of my family, proud of how we've grown and changed and thankful to be there.

Perhaps one of the highlights for me was the day we did the zip line together. My nephew joined us and so it was me, Nathan, Lexi and Blake. To keep the story short, we all made it up to the top and Blake froze. He was white as a ghost and tears were streaming down his face. He was terrified. I took charge and told the kids on the count of three we would all jump off, hoping he would follow. We counted to three....and three of us jumped off and Blake couldn't do it. We got down to the bottom and he struggled for quite a while. We were all trying to encourage him to jmp off but it wasn't working. Nathan decides to yell up to him and this is what he says...."Blake, conquer your fear! You can do it!"

Wow...I was impressed.....Nathan has learnd what it means to conquer your fears...and it was so cool to hear him shout that to Blake. Unfortunately, Blake wasn't able to do it and got lowered down. Regardless, it was a moment I will never forget.

I love my kids. I love that I get to do life with them.

My heart is full....and I am so grateful for God's work in my life and in my family's life....

Doing a lot of praying....

God impressed on me some truths in my Bible reading time today. I'm thankful for the reminders that come from Scripture. I wish I didn't need the reminders....you'd think some of the struggles that I have would be old hat by now...but they aren't.

I'm praying for my kids.....alot. We head to family camp tomorrow and I am praying God will continue to draw them to Himself. I see evidence of His work in their lives and I am praying we will all feel the undeniable presence and voice of God.

If I could have a wish list of things I'd like God to speak to me and my kids about it would be....
*I wish He would give me affirmation that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing....where I am supposed to be doing it....or He would make it abundantly clear that there is another door about to be opened....and then I pray He would give me courage to walk through it....wherever it might be.
*I wish my kids would respond to God in the way God has planned. I know Nathan and Lexi are close to making spiritual decisions. I pray He will speak to them and give them courage.
*I wish God would give me wisdom and confidence to continue to grow forward. I feel pretty beat down right now by circumstances and relationships in my life.
*I wish God would quiet my mind.....and speak to me in a way that is undeniably His voice...I need to hear from Him.....
*I wish God would show me how to move forward...away from the hurt and disappointment that comes from earthly relationships.


There are so many incredible things going on in my life.....so many potential opportunities....and yet, never have I felt so uncertain and perplexed....and to some extent, alone. The cynical side of me wants to give up and quit.....or at least wonders why I bother...


So, I'm doing a lot of praying.....and I know God will answer....He just hasn't spoken yet.....

I'm so looking forward to being with my kids at camp over the next few days.....expecting big things of God. I'm also praying it won't be too awkward or hard to be a single parent at a family camp. I'm asking God to give me confidence about myself instead of feeling out of place. I now realize that many people feel sorry for me and the kids....the truth is, I feel sorry for them. It's really hard to watch some of the shallowness I see in families and couples and not feel extremely sorry for them....it's hard to listen to some of the stuff I hear on a regular basis....maybe that has something to do with my discouragement and disappointment lately....

For whatever reason, I'm fighting hard against discouragement.....God show yourself to me....I need to see you...I need to worship you....

For a God who answers our cries....I am grateful.....

What I miss...

As much as I would love to have Brian here, I know that will never happen....and so, it isn't him I miss (because what's that point of missing something I will never have?), it's the relationship I miss.

I miss being understood.....valued...cherished....loved.

I miss having someone to listen to my insecurities...

I miss unconditional love, respect and trust.

Even in the best of relationships, there are disappointments, misunderstandings, and hurt....but at least there is still love and the hope of the future of a life with someone who chose you....

I'm no longer chosen by anyone....and tonight, I feel lonely and insecure and sad about that.

Just keeping it real....

Life rolls on...

It has been a while since I wished I could tell Brian something. Today was one of those days. There are some things that have come to light that have helped give me perspective and made me wish he knew some things I now know. In some ways I'd like to apologize to him. He was dealing with someone in business that created some major problems and stress. At the time of his death I was pretty frustrated with how he was handling things with this person. I now realize what he was dealing with. It really doesn't matter to him I know...but it has given me some closure to why this particular situation was so difficult....just wish we could talk about it....

I recognize that life is rolling forward....relationships are changing and that is ok....I am changing and that is good....the only hard part about it is knowing how to create/develop new relationships to replace the ones that time has changed....it's the old "not sure where I fit" struggle...I suppose this is just another transition point....and I certainly don't want to do anything but move forward...and so I am...sometimes it's a little awkward and lonely, but we are moving forward.

I got my rent house occupied. I am thankful for that. I was able to raise the rent a little so that is a plus. I hear at the end of the month whether my commercial tenant will renew their lease. I'm not very optimistic. It's no secret that their business has suffered from the downturn. It could be a long process of finding a tenant or a buyer. I am trying to trust that things will work out...but I still worry about the financial burden it could become if it sits empty.

The kids and I go to family camp next week. I'm excited about getting away with them and praying God will teach us new things about Himself. I'm also interested to see how a camp designed specifically for families works. I've always believed that parents and their kids being together at camp is one of the most powerful experiences a family can have. Too many times kids go off to have an "experience" and come home to the same environment with parents who do little to support the things they learned at camp. So, I'm looking forward to what we will "experience" as a "family". I wouldn't trade being with my kids at camp for anything....having gone to camp with hundreds of kids, there is nothing like being able to go with your own kids...I'm thankful for the opportunity and look forward to see what God does in our family.

Is it really ALL good?

A person that I love and respect had this listed as her status on Facebook:

"It's ALL good. If we believe God's plan for us is good, if we believe He partners with everything for our benefit---then it's all good. Even when things look bad, it's all GOOD!"

I tried not to react to it....I tried to talk myself out of responding to it...but, I did.

My comment was "I look at it a little differently...GOD is good...life here is not always good , but the amazing thing about God is that He is able to bring good from EVERYTHING...now, that's a good God!"

I'm pretty sure there is nothing good about a 2, 4, and 6 year old losing their daddy in a head-on car accident that ends in blunt force trauma that takes his life. I've considered whether I should get to a point where I call that "good". I honestly don't think God expects that of me.

Yet, I believe with all my heart that God can bring good out of any circumstance we find outselves in. I've seen it, experienced it and consider those times to be evidence of God's work in my life.

Do we really expect people to be able to call everything "good". The Bible is pretty clear on the "evil" of this world. I could never look one of my clients in the eye and say "It's all good, your dad may have raped you but it's all good...." We lose credibility when we try to call everything in this world good....GOD is the good in this world....everything else is less than what it was created to be...

I worship a God who is good.....but life isn't always good. I rest my case.

Lessons from Parasailing....

The highlight of our vacation was parasailing. I LOVED seeing the looks on my kids faces when they were taking off. I LOVED the giggles from my boys as they were reacting to the experience. It was one of those "moments" that will never be forgotten (by me at least).

As I was sailing through the air and looking down on the ocean I was drawn into the beauty and mystery of the ocean. The view was absolutely AMAZING...STUNNING....BREATHTAKING. The colors of green and blue melted together and the water sparkled with clarity. It was so much more beautiful from our perch 500 feet up than it was in the boat.

And, the light bulb goes off.....

It's all about perspective, isn't it?

I know the ocean is beautiful but to experience it from above is magnificent. Everything looks different when you can see the big picture.

Again....the light bulb goes off....

Most of the time I am so focused on my world only as I can see it now that I can't appreciate the beauty and mystery of life. I can't see the view of my life from a parasail. I wish I could. IF I could, I have a feeling I would be overcome by the tapestry that is being woven.

Sometimes I get glimpses of it, but I've not been allowed to see it the way I'd like to....still, I trust God that what He is doing is indeed beautiful.

Today was a little bit of a glimpse of what is emerging in my life. We have been working at a slow process of developing a volunteer Crisis response team in our city that involves multiple people, agencies, churches, etc. This was spurred on by a partnership that evolved as a result of the directed study I did last semester. Our local police chaplain and I have been very slowly working through this together. Today, the police chief of our city came to our meeting and reacted very positively to what we are trying to do. I almost wanted to pinch myself when he showed up and participated in our planning and discussion. Really, who would have thought I would get to be involved in something like this? I'm learning a lot as we go but I am grateful to have a seat at the table of our community leaders to discuss how to help our community when crisis occurs. It's just really cool to see something good come out of our efforts.

We also have some potentially unique opportunities to try to support young families in our community. I'm working on a proposal this week to see if we might could get a chance to be involved. I have no idea if it will pan out but the prospects of it are exciting.

I am trusting the view that God has of my life is an amazing one...not because of me but because of an amazing God who can and does and IS bringing beauty from ashes.

For God's work in my life....I am grateful.

Keeping it real...

Father's Day is tough no matter how I look at it.  

It's a strong reminder of what my kids lost....of the deficit that exists in their life that NO ONE can fill but their dad.

It wouldn't matter if there were a hundred men who wanted to be influences in my kids lives....they would still miss Brian's influence.

Vacations are great...but  they are also a reminder that I am completely responsible for everything...the good, the bad and the ugly.  When things go great, I get some credit.  However, when things go bad, I am the only one to deal with it.  

I HATE loading and unloading the car....trudging up elevators and stairs with all our stuff by myself is no fun.

I don't enjoy driving the whole way with no one to relieve me.

I don't like having to make ALL the decisions about everything we do or don't do on vacation.

I don't like having to give lecture after lecture after lecture to my kids about appropriate behavior.

I hate that I couldn't get a stupid kite to fly the other night.  I suck at kite-flying.  I hate that.

Just keeping it real.....

The Tradition Continues....

Not many words needed.....

This one's for you Brian........you would have loved it!  

Four Years Later...

The kids and I (along with my mom, sister and her two kids) are in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.  It has become our practice to take a vacation around the time of the anniversary of Brian's death.  It has worked well for us.  We try to do something special every year.  The first year we went camping.  The second year we built an incredible sand castle in memory of Brian.  Last year we went snorkeling.  This year I have a couple of ideas but will have to see how it all works out. 

So, what's life like for us four years later....

I still miss him.  I think of him every day. 

I am grateful for the life we shared together.

The kids are doing well.  

I'm doing well.  I'm excited about my future.  I have been dreaming again....it feels good.

While I would embrace his presence back into our lives, I wouldn't want the lessons I've learned to be lost or forgotten.  

God has been faithful...and good to us, so very good to us.

I will never be able to call his death a "good" thing.  However, I am able to see very clearly many "good" things that have come from his death.

There are still times when I think "HOW did this happen to my family?"  I know I will never understand.  I'm ok with that.  

The tears don't come very often or freely anymore....when I think of him I mostly think of all the good times we had.  Yet, today, there were tears.  I don't know that June 16th will ever be a tear-free day.  I'm ok with that too.

Four years later....life is different but life is very good.

I'm very blessed.

I'm grateful for God's presence in my life....

I'm grateful for my kids...who give me all the motivation I need to keep growing forward.

No other explanation....

We left today for Fort Walton Beach, Florida.  As is our tradition (thanks to Brian), we prayed together in the driveway before we left for safety.  Actually, we also prayed in the house.  We had a big pow wow about our trip and what my expectations were for the kids.  At the end, we prayed and thanked God for the opportunity to go and asked for His protection.  

So, twice today we asked God to protect us.

He did.

I had taken my eyes off the truck in front of me to look at a police car with his lights flashing on the shoulder.  The next thing I knew I was about to run into a truck that had decided to come to an almost complete stop in the middle of the highway.  I slammed on my brakes and ended up in the median.  

I was shaken up.  Lexi almost hyper-ventilated.  She was so stunned by it.

We got back on the road and I told the kids that there was no explanation as to why we didn't have a wreck other than God protected us.  At our next stop, we prayed and thanked God for protecting us.

I truly believe we were protected today.  There is no other explanation.  It happened so fast and could have been such a very bad accident.

I'm thankful for His protection.  I think my kids saw God at work in our lives today.

To be honest, the fact that He protected us but didn't protect Brian....it still puzzles me.

For God's intervention today....I am very, very, very, profoundly grateful!

By the way, after catching back up to the truck I noticed his trailer's brake lights weren't working.  His trailer hid his truck's brake lights...which explains why it caught me so off guard.    I wanted to pull him over and tell him to get his brake lights fixed...but I didn't.  I just got as far away from him as I could.

Happy 6th Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday Braden!

Today you turned 6 years old. The pictures above capture your personality and love for life. In your graduation picture you are holding your hat because you didn't like the tassle hanging in your eye. You told your teacher it was "annoying" and so you walked in holding the tassle in its proper place on top of the mortar board....this was one of the few pictures I got of you because you hid behind your friend so I couldn't take any pictures.

The other two pictures were from this weekend. You were playing with worms and pretending to eat them for the camera. I took you tent camping in honor of your birthday. It was our first camping trip as a family. You had a great time! Your dad always talked about wanting to be a "camping family". He loved the outdoors and wanted you all to experience the fun of camping.

You are an amazing young man, full of energy, determination and love. You have been asking lots of questions about your dad lately. I have been trying to answer them in a way that satisfies you. I wish I knew exactly how to help you understand what a great man your dad was and how much he loved you. You will hear stories the rest of your life about things he did and how he loved you. I will never grow tired of telling you about him.

I love you and pray your life as a six year old is the best ever!

To the moon and back....5 million times....

Mom

Family Time Takes a Detour

Sunday night is generally the time during the week when we try to do "family time". We stay "unplugged" on Sundays (no television) and so it works well for us to do some type of devotion on Sunday.

However, tonight it became clear that what I had planned for family time was not the direction we needed to go.

For whatever reason, the conversation shifted towards talking about Brian. Braden led us on this detour. He was on a fact-finding mission tonight. He wanted to know details and he was persistent. He wanted to know who knew first that daddy died. He wanted to know what he looked like when he died. He wanted to know what he looks like now, how long he stayed in the ground, if his heart was damaged... the questions were endless.

Sometimes I forget that Braden is behind us several miles in this journey. He is still trying to process the fact that his daddy died and he wants to know about his daddy.

We had a very sweet conversation. Nathan and Lexi helped me answer some of his questions. It was a, dare I say, "beautiful" family time. I'm very thankful that Nathan and Lexi know the kind of man their daddy was....they are much more convincing to Braden than I probably am. Braden listens to how they describe Brian....he was like a sponge soaking up the information tonight.

For the gift of family....and all that entails...I am so very, very, very grateful.

The Ups and Downs of Life....

I'm exhausted right now.  We've had a jam-packed full schedule the past couple of weeks.  As I was driving to church tonight I had an almost panicky feeling....It's been too much, driving to Oklahoma for two Sunday and Monday's in a row....I'm worn down.  

To be sure, there have been a lot of Ups and a lot of Downs lately....here's a recap:

My residential renter is behind two months rent....he'll be moving out at the end of June and so I will be looking for new tenants...joy, joy!

There's rumor that my commercial tenant is not renewing his lease at the end of July.  This could be a good thing if I can sell it or release it quickly.  This could be a very bad thing if it sits empty for a long time.  There are significant bills related to this building....and it provides a small amount of income that would be sorely missed.

Nathan hit his TAKS scores out of the park.  He had three tests and only missed one question total out of all three tests.  He scored a 100, 100, and a 97.  I am so proud of him.  He has worked so hard.  He also scored the highest possible on the writing portion of the TAKS.  Wow.  He takes pride in his work and it shows.

My dog knocked out a neighbor's mailbox...145.00 to replace....ouch.

I left my sunroof open on Sunday night and it rained....found a huge mess inside the next morning.

I lost my cell phone and all my contacts.  I replaced it today...I'm out 200.00 more for that replacement.

I met with my professor today and his evaluation of my speaking for his class was good.  The students liked the guest speakers he brought in and indicated it was a very helpful part of the course.  He will be teaching it again next May and he said he'd like me to come back.  We talked about where to go from here and he gave me an idea for my dissertation that's related to children and crisis/trauma.  I'm cautiously optimistic about this possibility.  It would be so meaningful to me to be able to do my dissertation in this field that I am passionate about.

Lexi and I had an interesting conversation tonight about all the things her friends have been saying about sex, sexy, humping, etc.  She is very open with her questions and I like that about her.  It makes it a whole lot easier for me.  Her source of information is one little girl in 2nd grade and 95% of her information is inaccurate.  I'm learning as I talk to her how to sift through the bad info and find out what she really means when she says those words.  Thankfully, Lexi is still very innocent and clueless.  It's a difficult balance to know how to answer enough of the question to give her what she needs to know but not give her too much information that she's not capable of processing yet.  

There are some unique possibilities for expanding what we offer in terms of support for children and their families that we are exploring at church...I don't understand how all of it might work but the possibilities are interesting and exciting.  It's amazing what is out there in terms of grant money....I'm praying God will give us wisdom and discernment in knowing how to pursue it.  It will be a learning experience whether we are able to participate or not.  I'm thankful to know these types of programs are out there.

So...lots going on....still processing and pondering a lot....

One thing is for sure, life is never boring at my house....for that, I think I am mostly grateful.

"I was singing it in my brain...."

Braden had his kindergarten graduation tonight. For whatever reason, he has been determined not to be agreeable about the graduation. He didn't want to wear the cap and gown and told me he was going to rip it off (which, gratefully, he did not do...he stayed fully robed). My expectations were set pretty low knowing he was not excited about it all. Thankfully, since my expectations were so low I wasn't too disappointed that he chose to stand behind his friend so that no one could see him and he chose not to sing. When I asked him about it later he said, "mom, I was singing it in my brain".

He keeps me on my toes (and knees)...for sure.

I'm still struggling with knowing how to best parent him. My perspective is better and my patience has returned. So, with both of those things back in place maybe things will smooth out a little (for him and me).

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days. Driving 4.5 hours will do that to me. I always drift into "what if" land when I am driving. I still don't know what God is doing or why I am so perplexed about it all right now. I'm very thankful and content with where I am at in life and content with all He has blessed me with.

The issues are all far too complex to try to put in words...I think maybe I am at a transition point in my life right now...lots of things have changed or are in the process of changing...I'm realizing some of the secondary losses that occurred when Brian died (that I hadn't yet understood to be significant) and I find myself being sensitive to issues that I wish I wasn't sensitive to....

There have been lots of little setbacks the past week or so....not much has gone right for me...I am a little down about all that. I shouldn't be, but I am.

A part of me says that I shouldn't be surprised by all the irritating things/issues in my life right now...I was moving forward at a pretty fast clip....had some real high points in my grief journey over the past month or so...I saw God working in my life and using me in ways that were blessing me tremendously....I know Satan is real and He doesn't want anything good for us....so, I am asking God to protect me from discouragement..because I know that is not from God.

I have been reading in Hebrews and James over the past few days....very good stuff....for God's word and His promise that He is the same yesterday, today and forever...I am so very grateful.

Pondering...Worrying....Processing

This has been one of those weeks where I have spent an awful lot of my time pondering...worrying....processing.  Every once in a while I tend to question everything I am doing.  I wonder if I am making the right choices in regard to how I am raising my kids.  I wonder if I should try to simplify my life and make radical changes.  I worry that my kids are suffering because of all the roles I try to fill.  I wonder what it would be like to just be a mom....

I also wonder what it would be like to live closer to my extended family.  Braden has spent a week with my mom and dad and is having the time of his life.  He caught a 3 lb catfish last night and has been pulled behind a waverunner on an innertube all day today.  Would it help him if he had more of an influence from a man like my dad?  I'm not sure my dad wants to sign up to spend time with him on a regular basis but I wonder if it would help Braden???

It is so very hard to know how to make choices and decisions on my own.  At least if Brian were here I would have someone to bounce things off of and talk through my worries.  And, it's a lot easier to be courageous when there is someone standing right beside you....I miss that.

Yet, with all of my questions, I see God working in my life in a way that doesn't make sense to throw in the towel.  I love my church family and love my job (95 days out of 100).  I love that I get to go to school and that I have had some pretty incredible opportunities lately to minister....

So, as usual, I feel pulled in both directions.  There is a pull to get some family support....yet, there is an equally persuasive pull to keep pursuing God here....

The bottom line for me is that I want to do what God wants me to do and I pray that is also what is best for my kids....sometimes I get those two things confused and think they may be contradictory...

I've also discovered this week that there are some areas of my spiritual life that need realignment....I'm committed to work on those...and I am praying that when those areas are addressed, the worrying will stop....and clear direction and guidance will return.

Until then...I'm staying on my knees....

On my knees...

I'm praying for myself and for Braden this week.  We had a not so stellar weekend.  I allowed him to push me to the edge.  The frustration level went through the roof.  I had to take him out of the service Sunday morning and bring him home.  His behavior was, to put it mildly, bad.  

Once I got him home we had a come to Jesus pow wow.  It wasn't pretty.  I'm not proud of it.  I said some things in anger that I probably should not have said.

Luckily, my neighbors had not left yet for church and so I called in a huge favor and they took over for me while I went back to church.

Honestly, I felt like (and still do to some degree)  a total failure.  I didn't want to go back to church.  I just wanted to give up and call it a day.

The problem was that I am supposed to be at church on Sunday and Lexi and I had a part in the service.  I didn't want to do the cardboard testimony that morning because of how awful I was feeling about my parenting.  How could I stand up in front of the church and act as if everything were hunky dorey when I wanted to strangle my son just 30 minutes prior to the service?  If it weren't for Lexi and her excitement about doing it I would have bowed out (In retrospect, I'm glad we did it.  Lexi dictated to me what she wanted on her cardboard. When I asked her if it would be ok if we just didn't do it she would hear nothing of it.  She was determined to be a part of it.  In the end,  it was a very sweet and meaningful time).

I was embarrassed by his behavior and sad that I allowed it to affect me the way it did. 

My parents had already graciously offered to let Braden come stay with them for this week to give me a break.  I had called them earlier in the week to say that I was a little worn down from Braden.  So, we loaded up after church and went to Oklahoma.  Braden remained behind and we now have a week to regroup.

I am on my knees asking God to give me wisdom and perseverance in my parenting.  I'm tired and beat down from the ongoing struggle with Braden.  The other two seem to be doing great.  Braden, for some reason, has been angry and defiant for about the past week or so.

God, forgive me for being impatient with Braden.  Thank you that you have a wonderful plan for his life.  Give me insight into how I can adjust my parenting to be more effective.  Help Braden with whatever he is struggling with right now.  Please let this week be a good time for him as he gets to spend time with his grandparents.  May he feel their unconditional love and may the extra attention he gets be just what he needs.  Thank you God for his life that you have entrusted me with.