Random Thoughts...Strange Conversation

My mind has been swimming with random thoughts...about life, grief, God, growing, and the future. A thought came to me today that I suppose I have known and maybe even said but it seemed new and fresh. I was in the car and I found myself saying "I will never understand the mind of God...but I can understand His character". That's really no newsflash....I suppose everyone knows that...but it seemed like an important revelation for me...today. And, oddly enough, God used that very thought to help someone I was working with today. I found myself sharing that with someone who indicated later they needed to hear that....strange how God works...



Which....leads me to a strange conversation I had today. I was visiting with a church member and fellow PhD student and he told me I had "instant credibility" with people in our church and community. I questioned what he meant and he told me "everyone knows your story and that makes you credible". I don't know that I have ever looked at it that way. I'm credible because my husband died and I have managed to keep living? Seems like an odd way to gain credibility....

And, then I was thinking about insecurity versus lack of self-confidence....strange thoughts I know....I think I am very secure in who I am and I am probably even fairly self-confident....However, I think I have no "others" confidence...I don't always think other people believe in me...and I allow that to paralyze me sometimes. What is that about? Why is that I can believe in myself and feel very secure in who I am but not be convinced anyone else believes in me?

And, yet another strange part of our conversation....somehow we ended up talking about remarriage and whether that was something I should consider or hope for. He said if God has given me a desire in my heart to be married again that God longs to give me those desires and that I should either pray God would take away that desire or give me that desire. ....still chewing on that one....does God really want to give me the desires of my heart? What if my desires aren't good desires? Or, what if they aren't what is best for my kids? I definitely have a desire to be in a marriage relationship again....but, I'm not convinced God is going to grant me that....maybe it isn't what is best. I don't know, his theology seemed too simple...."If I want this, then God will give it to me"....not sure I can buy that. So, let's just add his comments to the rest of the pile of people who think they know what God is going to do in my life....it seems everyone has an opinion and a belief they want to convince me of to make it all better...to give me a happy ending....wish I knew what I believed....

So, a really odd day....not what I expected when I woke up this morning....

For life, I am grateful.....for everyone's conflicting opinions, I'm sometimes confused....

God, could you just write on the wall for me? Could you just circle the name of the person who has it right about you and how life works? It would be so kind of you....really...ok...."Trust in the Lord with all your heart....Lean not on your own understanding....In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"....got it....still working on that....