My mind can't let it go...

After thinking some more about the past couple of posts I realized that my mind can't let it go.  My mind wants to figure this thing out.  I want to be able to say this is why this happened, this is what I learned from it, this is why it mattered.  I want to understand it so much that sometimes I read into things more than I should.

This was clearly evidenced during the first year or so.  Some grief books call it "magical thinking".  I definitely had it.  I suppose, every once in a while, I get pulled back into it.  

It's been impossible to let it go and leave the questions unanswered and the story unfinished.  I want and need closure.  I need meaning and explanation.  I want to figure out a way for all of this to be "ok".  I want to understand God's purpose in all of this, I am searching desperately for it.  

I also want and need to know that I am doing the right things now, that Brian would be proud of us, that he is at peace with all of this, etc.  I need all of that so much that sometimes my mind grasps at things and events that might somehow lead me to the place where my mind can finally rest.

The good news is that these thoughts don't consume me anymore.  I have managed to compartmentalize them to a point where they rarely interrupt my life or cause me lose sleep.  The trigger for me this time was the video we watched.  It stirred me up emotionally and caused me to focus on Brian's death at a level that allowed my mind to return the questions and emotions.  Thankfully, the triggers are few and far between now.    These thoughts also don't prevent me from enjoying, living, loving and appreciating life.  Life is differently good and sweet.  It really is.

I also find that my perspective has widened.  I am open to considering many more aspects of how God worked in the situation than I was able to initially.  I am at a point where I can accept and even believe that Brian's death was merciful (given the context of the injuries).  So, conversations like I had on Wednesday do serve a purpose and may have even been a part of my ever-increasing understanding of how God can bring beauty from ashes.

Maybe my mind will never be able to let it go....or maybe it is letting it go in little bits and pieces...and I need to recognize that as progress and not as failure.  

    

For a differently good and sweet life....I am grateful.