How would I have handled it?

In the training I participated in we watched a video of a police officer who was shot in the face and somehow survived.  It was a very graphic video.  There were actual pictures of what was left of his face.  There were pictures of him after surgery and during the recovery process.  It was hard to watch.  I am not the type who enjoys blood and gore.  I prefer a feel good, chic flick over anything sad or violent.

However, there is a point to this post.  The video showed the man and his wife talking about how they recovered from this horrific incident.  The man's face was completely disfigured and he was barely recognizable.  His whole life changed in a split second and it took him many, many years and dozens of surgeries to get to the place where he is today.

My mind struggled with processing the thoughts and feelings related to this video.  I had trouble sleeping that night and I laid in bed thinking about how horrible it would have been to be this man.  The images kept coming into my head and I couldn't turn my mind off.

This video made me realize there are worse things than death.  Brian didn't have to suffer.  He didn't have to go through hell on earth like this man did.  He was almost immediately relieved of his pain and suffering.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful he didn't have to go through what this man has had to go through.

Brian would not have been the same if he had lived.  Given the severity of the accident that he was in, the best option for him was probably death.  It wasn't the best option for me or the kids.  We would have loved to still have him around.  However, given the injuries, Brian was given mercy and grace as he took his last breath.

So, grace and mercy come in different forms.  Sometimes death is merciful.  I believe Brian's death was just that.

I also wonder how I would have handled it if he had lived and I had to learn to adjust to a life that was completely different than what we had before.  I'll be honest and say that it would be tough....and maybe even tougher than adjusting to life without him.

There is no point in questioning myself or spending too much time wondering how I would have handled it.  There is value is beginning to understand and accept that grace and mercy come in ways that we don't always recognize....but they are always there...and His grace is always sufficient.