Even with all the accomplishments and the relief of another semester, I still feel some emptiness and sadness. For the past couple of weeks it has just been hitting me how different my life is than most of the people around me. I saw a facebook post yesterday of a picture of a chest that a dad had made for his wife and children to contain the "Letters from Dad" that he had written. Our church is doing a class with this emphasis of dads leaving a written legacy for their children. It stung a little to look at that and know that my kids will never have that....Yet, I know that if he were alive he would have been one of the first dads to sign up and probably would have made something really special for the kids similar to what this dad had done. So, I realize that we had that...it's just the fact that we don't have it anymore that makes me sad and sometimes down.
I also miss the emotional connection and support of a spouse. There are times when I just need to vent and need someone to balance out my thinking. I so miss that. I so need that.
Nathan had braces put on today. I could tell he was somewhat excited about it but also a little embarrassed when people wanted to see what he looked like with them on. He had a choice of any color of brackets that he wanted and he asked for the silver ones because they wouldn't show up like the other bright colors. He and I are so alike in many ways. Neither one of us like to wear or do anything that draws attention to us. I now see that as a lack of confidence in myself and I hope I can help him overcome that same tendency in the self-confidence area of life.
We opened up a new area in the preschool ministry at church this weekend. It has been a fun process to dream it and then see it all come together. God has blessed us with some remarkably talented people and I am thankful for the way they used their gifts in this project. I love, love, love big projects and big ideas....the challenge and planning that goes along with them are what I like the most.
I'm learning that I have a very difficult time working with people who have no plan. I don't think I have always been this way but my life circumstance has pushed me in the direction of always needing to plan ahead. I'm uncertain and a little frustrated in knowing how to approach a big event for the end of the summer. At this point, I am concerned about how well it is going to go off because of the lack of coordination that I see going on. The lay person who is in charge is very difficult to follow and is not someone I think I "click" with in terms of how we see big events needing to be planned. The event has huge potential...and maybe I have been a little down because I had anticipated being more involved in the planning and strategy of it all. I saw it as an extension of VBS...instead it is being seen as something separate from VBS and it is difficult to figure out how to make the two work together.
Regardless, I see the clock ticking and I am so looking forward to being on vacation in parts of June and July....I just hope the month of May produces some major work towards this project so that vacation time can be enjoyed. And, I guess I am a little worried that because it is connected to VBS (in that it kicks off VBS) that it will somehow be a reflection on me if it doesn't come together like it should. I suppose this is where I struggle with working with people who don't think like I do. I allow it to be very frustrating and I need to figure out a better way to cope with working in situations that don't match my style and approach. I guess the bottom line is that I am now sort of dreading the project because I don't see the teamwork happening that I enjoy so much....maybe it will get better, I can only hope anyways.
So, another end is imminent...my third semester is almost done...I will have completed a little over 1/3 of the Phd program...time is moving fast.....and I have thoroughly enjoyed it!
For new opportunities to learn and grow....even if they are painful....I am grateful.
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