Unexpected Call

Tonight I got a phone call from Brian's brother who lives in Oklahoma.  I haven't talked to him since Christmas and even then we didn't talk much.  When my kids went there for Spring Break he and his family barely spent any time with my kids (even though they were right next door).  It bothered me a little but I decided it was just part of life and tried not to think about it too much.  There are times when I let my mind consume me with things and issues that don't really matter.  I suppose I have spent a fair amount of time wondering what kind of relationship any of Brian's family wants with me and the kids.  I loved them because I loved Brian.  It was a choice and I don't regret it.  However, now, the love isn't as strong for them.  I want them to be a part of my kids lives but I don't know how long that will last.  I am sure they feel the same way about me.  They want to be a part of Brian's kids lives and I am just part of that.

However, tonight, he called to see if we would all go to Great Wolf Lodge with them next weekend.  I can't tell you how good it made me feel for him to call and ask us to do that. I think there have been times when I have felt rejected or left out and this call made me feel accepted and wanted.   Again, it's not that I anticipate being best buddies with them, it's just the fact that they want to spend some time with us.  It makes me feel better to know that they do want to be in our lives.  

So, off we will go to Great Wolf Lodge and I expect there will be lots of fun had by all.

It's really hard....really, really hard to know how to look at life and relationships after Brian's death.  There is a part of me that wants to hold on to every relationship, every friendship, every memory.  However, there is also a part of me that realizes in order to move towards our future I have to let go of many of those things/relationships.  There is a lot of grey in knowing what to hold on to and what to let go of....I'm not certain I am always making the right choices. 

On another note...school is pretty intense right now.  I am trying to finish up my semester and there are a million and one things going on at work and home.  I've been grumpy and down today just thinking about all that has to be done.  However, if I can make it through this week it should be all downhill from here.  

For an eventual end to the month of April....I will be sooooo grateful!