I've come a long way. Lots of great things are happening in my life. 2009 has been a banner year in many ways. I've seen some beauty begin to emerge from the ashes....
Yet, I'm struggling.....struggling to let go of things and people I need to let go of and struggling to chart a course that will take me into 2010....
Maybe I'm stuck......stuck between my old life that I loved and the new life I'm trying to learn to love.......some days the past looks better than the future.....sometimes the future scares me to death....right now, I'm just paralyzed by the emotions that have flooded over me the past few weeks.
I don't want to go back....I really don't. I'm not even sure I could go back if I had the chance.....I've changed too much....worked too hard to fight for our future....
I don't really like where I am at right now....the "present" is not so hot.....
But, the future requires me to let go....and that is sooo very hard to do.
I'm fighting it.....I don't wanna let go.......but it's become too hard to try to hang on.....
Sometimes I think I must be stupid....stupid to think that my kids are going to turn out ok....without their father. I spent all day today learning about how important fathers are in the lives of their children. I believe it. They are so important. Yet, why are my kids without their father? Without a father? God, if it is so important that my kids have a father, why don't you provide that? Why don't you provide what is best for them? i guess I am angry and sad about it all at the same time....
Here come the tears....
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