A Busy Weekend...and a busy week ahead!

Happenings this weekend.....

Lexi and I went shopping yesterday and got her several new outfits.  She was a pleasure to be with...truly a pleasure.  I've been with her before and we've struggled to agree on what we were going to buy (style mainly)....or she has wanted 10 outfits when I really only planned to buy a couple.  This time she didn't complain when I set the limits and she didn't get upset when I vetoed an outfit she wanted.  Yeah for Lexi!  

I quit drinking Dr. Pepper.  It seems someone hit the "pause" button on my metabolism and I think it has something to do with the extra calories I have been getting from all the Dr. Pepper I drink.  So, two days down...I had a horrendous headache this afternoon....even threw up....felt awful....but, tonight, I am much better.  I am hopeful the worst has passed.

Braden had his first soccer game.  He did really well.  He started out as a forward but mid-way through the first quarter they switched him to defender.  It was a good move because he was able to stop the scoring machine called number "7" on the other team.  He doesn't understand all the strategy and seemed clueless at times...but he did well.  It was fun to watch....my throat is a little soar from trying to give him hints from the sidelines.

Mom comes tomorrow and will be here until the following Wednesday.  I am really looking forward to her being here.  I leave on Tuesday for a training in Austin and won't be home until Friday.  I will be praying every day that the kids do well for mom and that Braden has a good week at school.  He had an all "green" week last week and his teacher said on Friday that he was doing really good.  It seems she has a new point system that he is all over....he loves rewards!

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

Delayed Impact

It's taken over four years to fully realize what I lost when Brian died.  I was fortunate and blessed to be insulated from some of the losses that many widows face.  I didn't lose my house or my job.  I didn't have to move or relocate.  For the most part, my address book didn't change much either.  I kept many of the same friends and felt the support and love of an incredible church family.

I was blessed.

I still am blessed.  I'm grateful for the way God's grace has sustained me.

Four years and some change later, I feel the full impact of being a widow...of losing my social identity....of losing the commonalities that are necessary to keep friendships going.  It's tough to finally realize that you absolutely no longer fit in with the same circles you used to fit into.  I'm not sure why it has become so obvious as of late...but it has.  Maybe I was clueless before and now I'm living more in reality...who knows?  

And, if I am honest, I am tired of trying to fit in...I'm weary of pretending it doesn't bother me to be the fifth wheel.  

I've never been in drama or theatre before.....until now.  I act as though nothing bothers me, but it does.  It bothers me a lot.  It hurts a lot.  I hate feeling the full impact...it's no fun.  There are times, as much as I hate to admit it, that I feel an incredible amount of jealousy.  I'd like to have what many people I know have....I can't deny that.  Most of the time I keep it in check, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

Delayed impact sucks.  

Delayed impact has got me down.

I'm working on it.  I'm asking God to help me navigate through these tricky issues in a way that is helpful and healing.  I believe with all my heart that I will get through this bump in the road.  I also believe with all my heart this is a necessary part of the journey.   I will get this behind me and when I do I will continue to see the beauty God brings in the rebuilding of our lives.

For His sustaining Grace, mercy and comfort...I am grateful.

Out of the mouth of babes....

I went to school yesterday to have lunch with Braden.  I am trying to be more intentional about doing special things just with him.  I recognize that he gets the leftovers of me more than he gets "my best".  So, it seems to be a good thing....we have had some nice times lately and his behavior has been better...maybe there is a connection.

While I was having lunch I was scoping out all the other kids in the class.  I was trying to find out which one of the boys enjoyed the trip to the principal's office with Braden.  Braden pointed him out and he did look a little mean...:)  Truly, he did.  I got the low down on all the kids and who got "green" and who was always on "yellow" or "red".  It was a very informative lunch.

I also had a chance to talk with another teacher in kindergarten.  She's a church member and knows some of Braden's struggles.  God used her to encourage me....I walked away from that discussion feeling a little more hopeful about things.

Hope is, after all, the single most important thing I have to hang on to.  I suppose faith ranks higher but it is because of my faith that I have hope.  I was thinking about this the other day while we were in the training about the importance of fathers.  One of the biggest gifts we can give single moms is "hope".  If we can convince them there is hope, they will attempt to move mountains....they will be more open to learning new ways to deal with their children...etc.

I digressed.....

So, while I was eating lunch one of the kids across the table asked Braden "is that your grandma?"  I laughed out loud.....I thought he was kidding.  Nope, he was as serious as a kindergarten boy gets.  It's a good thing he was sitting across the table because I might have slapped him if he had been next to me.  Seriously, do I really look like I could be Braden's grandma?  I have to admit that I looked down at what I was wearing and wondered if it was a style issue?  Maybe I need a new wardrobe...a new do...something...

Age is bothering me these days.  It's utterly stupid and vain and ridiculous, but I hate that I am bearing down on 40 and I am alone....I hate it....I never wanted to be a 40 year old single mom....And, if I am honest, it feels a little bit like rejection....like I am a loser to be in the situation I am in....

I know I'm not a loser....but it sure has been feeling that way lately...

I'm working on it....I know it's a spiritual battle....a stupid spiritual battle that I shouldn't even have allowed myself to get drawn into....

Plugging Along...

We're plugging along....Braden has had 6 days in a row of "green" behavior...."green" is good!  I can almost laugh about his trip to the principal's office now....it's still a sore spot but I have gotten a little more perspective.  It seems MANY of my friends have had similar experiences with their kids.  Most of them were very encouraging and helped me realize it doesn't mean a life of crime for him.  I knew that, but I needed to hear it from others.  In addition, tonight he showed me a softer side of himself....a spiritual side...a side I don't normally get to see...and that made me feel so good.  He is oozing with potential.....it's just going to be one heck of a ride!

Nathan came home today with his first benchmark scores.  He scored a 100% on a test that the teacher said to consider a 60% a good score.  Wow!  He is doing so well.  I am utterly amazed!  Who would have thought my little average boy would be knocking it out of the park as a fifth grader?  He was oh so average in kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade....Yeah Nathan!  You rock!

Lexi did really well on her benchmark scores too.  I don't have the exact score but her teacher told her she got an "M" on them.  I worry a little about her and tests.  She tends to get anxious about tests.  However, I was so proud of her and how hard she worked on her test.  She took her time and tried to do her very best work.  Yeah Lexi!  You will get there too!

One of the really hard things about being widowed is that there is no one to share the small victories with...no one to brag about your kids to....no one to share the tears when they get in trouble....no one to "high five" when they knock it out of the park....

For a good few days, I am grateful.

A bump in the road...or a course correction?

I'm an emotional mess these days.  I've cried more tears in the past two weeks than I have all year.  I sort of understand why I've been emotional, but in some ways I'm totally confused.

I've come a long way.  Lots of great things are happening in my life.  2009 has been a banner year in many ways.  I've seen some beauty begin to emerge from the ashes....

Yet, I'm struggling.....struggling to let go of things and people I need to let go of and struggling to chart a course that will take me into 2010....

Maybe I'm stuck......stuck between my old life that I loved and the new life I'm trying to learn to love.......some days the past looks better than the future.....sometimes the future scares me to death....right now, I'm just paralyzed by the emotions that have flooded over me the past few weeks.

I don't want to go back....I really don't.  I'm not even sure I could go back if I had the chance.....I've changed too much....worked too hard to fight for our  future....

I don't really like where I am at right now....the "present" is not so hot.....

But, the future requires me to let go....and that is sooo very hard to do.

I'm fighting it.....I don't wanna let go.......but it's become too hard to try to hang on.....

Sometimes I think I must be stupid....stupid to think that my kids are going to turn out ok....without their father.  I spent all day today learning about how important fathers are in the lives of their children.  I believe it.  They are so important.  Yet, why are my kids without their father?  Without a father?  God, if it is so important that my kids have a father, why don't you provide that?  Why don't you provide what is best for them?  i guess I am angry and sad about it all at the same time....

Here come the tears....

Keeping it real...Family Time!

So, just so my kids don't think someday that we always had great "family time" on Sunday nights....we don't.

Tonight I had to compete for the floor....and we were talking about wisdom...of all things!

It ended with me sending Nathan and Braden to bed early....Lexi and I had a nice conversation about wisdom.....but the boys got voted off the family time island!

Just keeping it real....it doesn't always go as planned....

An Odd Time of Life

The past few months I have been realizing more and more what an odd time of life this is for me.  If I am honest, I feel just as "odd" as this time in life is "odd".  The truth is I really don't have many close friends anymore (my neighbor is the exception but I think proximity has a lot to do with it).  Life has taken us different directions and I haven't had the time to invest in new relationships.   And...there isn't  the possibility of many new relationships....not right now anyways.

I understand that I don't fit in....people don't really see me as a widow anymore (and that's a good thing I think)...I think they see me more as a single parent....one who doesn't have much to offer them and one they have nothing in common with anymore.  

I can't blame anyone for that....and I don't.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't have the time or emotional energy to invest in friendships....yet, I oftentimes feel very lonely.  It's not always when I am "alone" that I feel "lonely".....sometimes, the loneliest place in the world is at church....when I am around hundreds of people....I feel alone....

It's an odd place to be at....to know that you feel alone but not to be able to do anything about it....I suppose it shows some of my own prejudice too...I don't really want to be friends with other single parents...I don't see myself as ever fitting in as your traditional "single" parent....

I know I've come a long way on this journey....done some really hard stuff....had some good success at trying to rebuild a meaningful and joyful life.....but the friendships, I've not done too well on.......

Yes, it's an odd time in life.....and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it.....

I'm praying God will either be all I need...or that He will provide some new friendships in my life....afterall, it's pretty sad when you rely on one person to help you with car pool and when that one person is out of the picture you realize how short your list of friends has become....it's not that someone wouldn't help me if I asked...it's  that I feel guilty asking anyone to do something for me because I can't always return the favor...so I don't ask...

And then...if I really get down...I start thinking about how many hours a week I take care of everyone else's kids....I think about all the people who are always demanding we provide more childcare....and that does make me mad.....

But, I digressed....I'm just lonely.....bottom line, this is never how I meant to do life.....

Such a very, very  odd time in life.....

Something to look forward to in 2010

Well, I've got a surprise up my sleeve for 2010.

Nathan and I will be celebrating our birthdays in a very memorable way....

I'm not sure how or when I will tell the kids....

It will be a while before I tell them...

I found the most amazing, unbelievable, almost too good to be true deal....

It's something I have always wanted to do with the kids....but the prices have never been affordable....

This is the one time it pays to be a single parent....this particular deal has to do with kids going free.....wheeeeeee!  Finally, a benefit for being an only parent......

So, instead of dreading turning 40 alone.....we will be making some incredible memories....

2010 is looking to start off right....

Sometimes things work out...

I'm thankful tonight because today turned out ok. We got out a little early from our training so I was able to pick up the kids from school (barely). I had found someone who could pick them up but I was able to call and cancel. I had stressed and stressed over this issue....and it all worked out....thank you God!

My mom also called this morning and she is going to stay the extra few days so that I can attend both the training in Austin and the staff retreat. Again, I had lost sleep over how I was going to work out everything with the kids....I'm so thankful for my mom and dad. Their support has been a huge blessing in my life.

I'm feeling a little less anxious....and a little more peaceful....

Braden had a good day at school. The Principal sent me an email that encouraged me. She said he was very respectful and cooperative when he was in her office. I suppose I can at least be thankful for that....Lexi also was given a message to tell me that Braden was doing really well in Spanish. Maybe the Spanish teacher knew about yesterday...I"m not sure...but she told Lexi to be sure and tell me he was doing really well in her class. Thank you for that.

I'm contemplating a trip with the kids after the first of the year....I've found an incredible deal....just need wisdom and discernment to know if it is the right thing to do....

Still waiting to see what is going to happen with my commercial building.......it could get interesting.....

For a better day...I'm so very grateful.

Got a call from the Principal today...

...and it wasn't to let me know how great my kids were...

Braden found himself in the Principal's office today for getting into a scuffle on the playground....

There are no words for how bad today sucked....

The only bit of good news came from my tax lady who called to tell me I had a refund coming that I didn't even know about...

The rest of it sucked...truly, there is no other way to describe it.

It's one of those days when every time you turn around you get hit with something unexpected...and it seems I'm meeting no one's expectations....

And, to top it all off, my dog keeps tearing up the fence and getting out....it's like Marly and Me and GroundHog Day put together....

It's one of those days when I realize what a disadvantage I am at being a single parent. The only thing worse than that is the fact that my kids are at a huge disadvantage without their dad...and without two people to support and care for them. I reached my tipping point with it all today....I'm worn out from running them to piano and soccer...and then home to do homework and laundry...and pay bills...and deal with an unruly dog....and follow through on consequences for Braden's trip to the office...

I didn't share with the other kids what happened today with Braden. I don't want him to get beat down by them for what happened. They seem to enjoy reminding him that he gets in trouble more than they do. So, it's just between us....unless it happens again and then I can't guarantee they won't find out. My profound statement of the day to a good friend was "I just hope there is HOPE..." I fear he is going to have a rough go....and I don't know what I can do about it that I haven't already tried....And...I know things would be different if Brian were still around...and that makes me feel awful....like a failure...

It's been a tough one....

The things they say....and do!

The kids have an ever expanding vocabulary and I suppose I have just started noticing it the past few weeks. Braden's favorite new way to address an issue is "FIRST of all...blah, blah, blah and SECOND of all....blah, blah, blah and then THIRD OF ALL, blah, blah, blah. " He sounds like an attorney cross-examing a witness when he gets on a kick about something he is passionate about (like whether it is HIS turn to pick what show we watch..:))

Braden's teacher emailed me today and let me know that she has had to talk to him about appropriate ways to show compassion. There is a little girl in his class who has had a hard time adjusting to kindergarten. Apparently he has been trying to soothe her by running his fingers through her hair or letting her sit in his lap. Today he came home and said "Mrs. Jean won't let me touch her anymore." He, of course, did not see what the problem was so we had a nice talk about it....I think I am in trouble when he is a teenager...

Lexi was explaining to me where something was the other day and she used the term "vertically" as she described how something was placed. I was impressed. She also has been reading a lot of books lately and has been explaining to me what is going on in the story using five dollar words. Interesting. Last night she was talking about a book she is listening to on the Ipod and we had another one of those conversations that leave me thinking what a great kid she is turning out to be. This particular story is about four girls whose mom died and their dad is dating. The girls try to sabotage the dates because they don't want their dad dating anyone. Lexi went into long detail about this story. So, I asked her, "is that how you would feel if I ever dated?" She very matter of factly said, "no, I wouldn't really care because that is your decision to make if you want to date anyone." I said, "really, you wouldn't care?" She assured me that was my decision to make. I had to laugh to myself on that one. I told her, "well, trust me it would have to be someone very special if I ever dated anyone...so I don't think you have to worry. You kids are my priority right now." She just said "ok, I know dad was really special". Gosh I love that girl. She rocks my world.

Nathan isn't real verbal and descriptive but he has been correcting the other two on a regular basis. He sometimes surprises me with how much he really does know. He is also doing a great job of doing simple chores around the house and fixing his lunch every night. I am sure it helps that he now gets an allowance and when he does things without being asked he can earn a little extra...gotta love bribery.

Speaking of allowances...I have three different kids and three different ways to handling money. Nathan is a saver. He doesn't like to part with his money. He is always asking what he can do to earn more money, and then he mainly saves it. Lexi is a giver. This week we talked about tithing their allowance and she gave 3 times what would have been her tithe. Then, she knew that Nathan wanted a new Wii game and so she chipped in more than anyone else to help buy it. A couple of weeks ago she got some "Bunch bucks" from school and instead of buying something for herself she bought things for Nathan and Braden. Speaking of Braden...Braden is a spender. He just got his allowance Friday and by Friday night it was all gone. At first he wasn't going to help buy the new Wii game but then he realized if he didn't give any to help pay for it he wouldn't be able to play. So, he spent all of his money so that he could have a say over the new game. When I asked him where his tithe money was on Sunday he realized that he forgot to save that back...so, we had to pilfer through his change to get enough to give on Sunday. I can see where all three of them have issues in handling money that will need to be addressed and adjusted if they want to learn to manage it effectively...

Kids are so different...and interesting...and fun to watch grow and develop.


For the funny things they say and do, I am grateful.

TGIF

Yeah!  I made it through today...and so did the kids.  Lexi and Braden were actually pretty stoked about some "special" things they got to do since their grandparents didn't come and most of the kids weren't in the classroom...they were all smiles when I picked them up today.  I still hate that they didn't have anyone there today, but at least they realized it wasn't the end of the world.

I accomplished some major things today.  One of which, was a meeting with another realtor about my commercial property.  I feel pretty confident that I made the right decision in telling the other one that he wasn't a good fit.  I like the lady I met with today.  She feels "right".  I made some decisions that I am proud of.  I will be listing it with her probably later next week.  She was far more encouraging than the other guy.  I also decided that I was done with my current tenants.  Even if they want to negotiate staying, it won't be with me.  I have removed myself from the equation and feel incredibly good about that decision.  I'm not getting in the mud with them ever again.  If they want to stay, they will be talking to my realtor....and that feels soooooo good!  Yes, I will have to pay her for negotiating with them but holy cow batman it will be worth every penny not to have to deal with their games.  So, a plan is in place...we have a strategy....and I am praying God will continue to direct every step along the way.  I truly feel like (so far) I am on the right path...

I also got an email from my professor today giving me some room for breathing...one of the things that she wanted me to do she no longer needs me to do...woohoo...I can't tell you how good it felt to read that email....the pressure is off for another month or so...

I'm still working on all my scheduling issues related to work and the kids...if I just take it one event at a time it doesn't seem so overwhelming....

I called my dad this evening to talk to him about my conversation with the realtor....he affirmed my decisions and said he was really glad I was stepping out and paying someone to deal with the stress....my mom also got on the phone and told me she thought I was doing the right thing...so, that feels good.  I think I have weaned myself off needing my dad to lead me through every decision.  He actually initially suggested a different strategy but it didn't feel "right" and I shared with him that I wasn't going to do that and he was more than supportive of my decision.  I relied on him so heavily when Brian first died....I don't know what I would have done without him....and, now...it feels good not to "need" him so much....I've got my big girl panties on and they fit pretty good (for now....)

So, TGIF....lots accomplished....for that I am grateful!

Disappointments, Guilt, and Stress

Disappointments, guilt and stress...that about sums it up right now.

My mom was coming this week and one of her good friends died so she had to cancel her trip. I am sad for her and completely understand why she couldn't come. It put a kink in some scheduling issues but we are managing.

Brian's mom and dad were also supposed to come this week. They have come for Grandparents day at the kids school for the past 3 years. Brian's dad emailed me this week to say that he had a fishing tournament that he couldn't miss. I have done a good job of trying not to be upset at him for that...and mostly, I'm not. I think I understand that it's nothing personal...but my kids were disappointed....for the second time this week that someone who was coming to visit them couldn't come.

They asked me to come to Grandparents day instead. Honestly, I can't. I told them that. I think they understand but I feel guilty. I had a previously scheduled appointment that I can't cancel and I have a ton of errands to do while they are in school. Yet, I feel guilty. I also can't go to their curriculum night at school next week. Braden has soccer and we all have hair-cuts scheduled for that night. I can't be in two places at once. Again, I feel guilty.

Next week I have a training to go to on Wednesday that doesn't end until 3pm (and it is about 45 minutes away from Burleson). I am trying to figure out how I am going to pick up my kids (at 3:10pm) and fulfill my obligations to the training. The next 4 weeks I have several trainings related to the grant that we received. This has been a great thing, but has added another layer of stress that I am trying to work through. I will be out of town for four days at the end of September and my mom is coming to stay with the kids. However, I just found out that we are having an out of town staff retreat the following week. I am not sure how I am going to pull that off because my mom will have just been here for the week and she isn't going to turn around and come back....stress....guilt....

Guilt is such a common emotion for moms. Dads never feel guilty if they have to go on a business trip or be gone extra time for work. Dads are admired for a hard work ethic and for trying to get ahead. I really am doing all that I am doing to try to benefit my kids and give them the best possible future. I've got a lot of neat opportunities right now...I just hope I don't regret the way I am pushing myself right now.

In addition, my professor has asked me to teach an online course this semester and also help write the material for the course. I can't really say "no" because this is my semester of internship and I am expected to do whatever she asks me to do. She is a very reasonable lady but I am feeling a little stressed over trying to help her and keep my life moving in the right direction. On the other hand, I'm interested in doing the "online" teaching thing...and so I hate to give up an opportunity to learn about something that might be a good fit for me later on. She has indicated that our school is going to be expanding the online course offerings and that she is probably going to need some PhD students to help with that so I have to keep that in the back of my head too....

The kids started piano this week and so I think I have driven a million miles getting them to school, piano, soccer, church, etc. My usual car pooling mom is out for a while recovering from surgery so it is all me....I've realized how much I miss being able to share that burden....I am oh so happy to be the car pool queen for a while...but look forward to being to benefit again from the "car pool" concept.

So, in summary, life is very busy and complicated right now....If I can just make it until the middle of October I think we will be fine...

The kids are still doing well...and that helps....we have a routine just about established....I'm grateful for that....

Two great days...I think I'm onto something...

Our family is functioning at a high level again.  YEAH!!!!!  Two days in a row of really good behavior from EVERYONE!

I had to smile at myself tonight when Braden started to fudge on helping clean up the kitchen.  I told him, in a very matter of fact way, "that ship has sailed...I'm no longer your maid, everyone helps and that includes you."  Woohoo, that felt good.  And, guess what, he did what he was asked.

I'm not sure how we got so off course....and not sure why I didn't recognize the issues sooner.

To be sure, life isn't perfect...it never will be...but, for now, we've got a handle on how our family needs to function in order to maximize the joy factor.

For another good day...I'm so very grateful.

Oh so much better...

Operation reset the boundaries working well....

Kids responding well....

I'm feeling  better about the tone around our house...

Spent some one-on-one time with Braden....very nice....and enjoyable.

Helped Lexi bake a cake....let her do EVERYTHING (even cracking the eggs)....she was in heaven....

Nathan still doing a fine job....thank heavens for one easy one...

Life has its rhythm back...and for that I am grateful...

Thank you God.

Redrawing the Boundaries...

I spent a good deal of time tonight with the kids redrawing the boundaries for them. I liken it to a soccer field. At the beginning of the season they mark the fields and the out of bounds is very clear and distinct. As the season wears on the field, the lines get blurred and even disappear.

I think some of the boundary lines in our family have blurred or almost disappeared.

I am the only one who is responsible for keeping those lines maintained. I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately. My mind has been distracted and I have let things go without addressing them.

I will say that is very difficult to fight the battles that need to be fought when there is just one parent. I grow weary of the fight....and turn to "survival" mode. "Survival" mode is not a healthy or fun place to be. When I am just trying to "survive" I find that I am "enduring" my kids rather than "enjoying" them.

I want that to change.

I laid out some plans for that to change tonight. We'll see if it makes a difference.

I enjoyed the evening with my kids tonight (after we had the "come to Jesus" meeting). I need to adjust some of my parenting style. I need to find a way to be less "distracted". My mind is always thinking about the next thing I need to be doing...instead of focused on them.

I need to seek God more faithfully....and find ways to use "teachable" moments to influence my kids towards a relationship with Christ.

This is one of those times when I feel so inadequate as a parent....really, who would have thought it could be this hard, this demanding.....

For the gift of children, I am grateful....for grace when we mess up, I'm especially thankful.

Not enough time...not enough of me...

Life is fast and furious.  There are so many things going on.  I'm stretched...tired...a little discouraged.

Never enough time...never enough of me to get everything done I'd like to get done with the kids.  

Tonight I'm questioning myself....

Need rest....need clear thoughts...

God, give me perspective and wisdom to know how to spend my time. 

Forty Years....

Brian would turn 40 tomorrow. Hard to believe that he's not here to celebrate that milestone. I am sure if he were here he would be doing something crazy. Or, I would be planning a big celebration. Instead, tomorrow will come and go quickly and quietly.

I've got a big day tomorrow. I'm teaching a class tomorrow morning and that has occupied most of my free time this week. My thoughts have been focused on that and how I would present the topic. I've also been working hard to get the grant position/program off the ground. So, I guess that is good....that life is busy and good...that there isn't much time to reminisce or wish things were different.

To be sure, Brian continues to influence and impact many lives....including mine. While he isn't here to physically celebrate, the memory of his life and love is an incredible gift to me and the kids. I miss him. I wish he were here to give a hard time about hitting the big 4-0....

But, he's not here.....

And, we are .....

And, so, we continue to find joy and meaning and hope and love in our lives...and that's a good thing....a very, very good thing.

I'm blessed for the relationship that we had....blessed by his love.....thankful for the memories...

So very thankful......thankful that 40 years ago tomorrow God granted him life....thankful for the family that God blessed him with....thankful that even 40 years later he is still influencing and impacting many lives....his legacy will exceed his earthly life...that I am certain....Happy Birthday Brian...you are still so very loved....and will never be forgotten....