Gaining Perspective

As I was driving alone in the car today back from a quick trip to drop the kids in Oklahoma, it occurred to me that a lot of what I have been doing through the grieving process is trying to gain perspective on my life and what it is supposed to look like now. In those first few hours and days I was desparately searching for perspective. I couldn't begin to process the "why" of this or the "how" of what rebuilding my life might look like. But, slowly, my perspective was enlarged and meaning began to develop.

I am not suggesting that perspective makes everything ok....what I am suggesting is that it was impossible to have a clear perspective the first year of living life without Brian. Everything was too chaotic and my mind was too distracted by all the changes and the intense emotions I was experiencing. I look back now and wonder how I kept my job or how we even functioned as a family because of how consumed I was with my grief and the emotions it brought with it.

I still play over in mind the day that he died....I continue to remember new things about it...or people tell me something they remember about it....like, someone told me that they remembered being at my house right after I got home to tell the kids and one of them was hungry and so I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for them while there were a houseful of women scurrying around trying to be helpful. This person thought it was interesting that just five minutes after I told my children that their daddy died I was in the kitchen fixing them a sandwich.....weird? Maybe, I guess, but what else was I supposed to do? Guess it goes to show that kids are pretty egocentric and when they are hungry, they are hungry, even if their whole world was just rocked....

So I still replay it....and it still brings emotion when I think about it....and when new details are filled in it is always interesting to see what other people remember....yet, it doesn't hurt like it used to....it's more of a given...a fact of my life....I was married....my husband was killed...I am now a single mom....and this is my life.....

But, what does that have to do with perspective? I don't really know except to say that I am beginning to be ok with how my life is going to turn out....I think I am going to end up being a different person than if I had gone through life without this loss....I think that the "different" Shelly is actually a "better" Shelly....not "Better" in the sense of patting myself on the back, but better in the sense that there has been some significant change....change that has given me a different perspective on life....what if I were able to compare who I became if Brian was still alive versus who I became as a result of his death? At this point, from this perspective, I have to say that I am pushing myself more now that he is gone than before....that I am being stretched more....that my perspective is different, and perhaps a better perspective than before...so does that make it ok that he died? No, but it makes it ok that I am still living....it creates a quiet confidence that God really does work all things together for good....and that part of grieving is separating myself from what I lost and embracing the life I now have....

And, if I were to allow Brian to speak to me right now....no, I don't believe he does literally speak to me (although there are lots of people who swear to me that their dead spouse gives them signs...I don't buy that)....but if I were to think about what he would say to me, given who he was and what he wanted for me and the kids I think he would say this: Shelly, your life is now about you and the kids....I am confident that my memory will always be alive in the hearts of Nathan, Lexi and Braden.....what I want for you is to embrace the life you now have and make the most out of it....you have my blessing and my support....please, don't make the rest of your life about me....make the rest of your life count....and allow God to give you His perspective....I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either....sure, we had our ups and downs, but as a whole, our marriage was a blessing and there is no need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove to anyone (including my parents) how much you loved me....I know how much you loved me.....that's all that matters....so go and live and love our kids and be open to the future that lies ahead.....

If the grief process is about separating ourselves from what was lost, then I think that is well underway....not separation for separation sake, but separation so that the new life can become what it was meant to be.....and part of allowing myself to separate from Brian is the ability to gain perspective....the ability to carry his memory with me in a way that is healthy and manageable....

Maybe it's kind of like this.....in the beginning, the grief that I carried with me every day was such a burden that it could be compared to carrying about 15 large bags through an airport.....the bags were big and bulky and it was exhausting to try to carry them.....but, slowly, one by one, I was able to unpack a bag and leave it somewhere until I was down to one carry-on bag that fit comfortably over my shoulder.....the bags that I unpacked were things like: sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, theolgoical questions, anger, confusion, shattered dreams, and the only bag that I have left now is the one that contains the memories that I carry of him and the lessons he taught me about life and love....and that bag will continue to be a "carry-on" for possibly the rest of my life. I need to keep it close so that I will be reminded often of his love and of the love he had for his kids...my kids need to see me unpack it once in a while to remind them of what an incredible father they had.....but I will never go back to carrying the 15 bags again....I just can't....and it isn't necessary or healthy....

Gaining perspective...pretty powerful stuff....