Reality Check

I finished my paper to be turned in with my PhD application on Monday. I am not completely happy with the quality of it. It has been ten years since I wrote a paper and I know it probably shows. I guess it has been a sort of reality check for me today as I was trying to finish it up. I realized how much I have to learn and how long of a journey it will be. I can't quite put my finger on why it is bothering me so much tonight. I don't know if it is that I am having second thoughts or just normal doubts that go along with starting something new. I know that I can work hard and pull myself up to the expected level....at least I have a history of always being able to do well in school. I just seem to be questioning myself a lot about it.

There has also been somewhat of a reality check in the sense that my kids are gone for several days and it is just me...alone with my thoughts....in many ways it is so WONDERFUL....to have quiet...to have some "me" time....but, I am also reminded that I am really alone....and that someday I will be even more alone....and that makes me sad...and quiet...and a little down....

Sorting through the doubts...the loneliness....and trying to get a clear picture of myself is not a lot of fun....I suppose that part of it is normal, healthy fear....fear of the unknown...fear of failure....and fear of making the wrong decisions.....

I am just trying to take it one step at a time...and that has worked well for me....but now, it feels like the steps are a whole lot riskier....and I hope I don't lose my footing....