Random Thoughts...Strange Conversation

My mind has been swimming with random thoughts...about life, grief, God, growing, and the future. A thought came to me today that I suppose I have known and maybe even said but it seemed new and fresh. I was in the car and I found myself saying "I will never understand the mind of God...but I can understand His character". That's really no newsflash....I suppose everyone knows that...but it seemed like an important revelation for me...today. And, oddly enough, God used that very thought to help someone I was working with today. I found myself sharing that with someone who indicated later they needed to hear that....strange how God works...



Which....leads me to a strange conversation I had today. I was visiting with a church member and fellow PhD student and he told me I had "instant credibility" with people in our church and community. I questioned what he meant and he told me "everyone knows your story and that makes you credible". I don't know that I have ever looked at it that way. I'm credible because my husband died and I have managed to keep living? Seems like an odd way to gain credibility....

And, then I was thinking about insecurity versus lack of self-confidence....strange thoughts I know....I think I am very secure in who I am and I am probably even fairly self-confident....However, I think I have no "others" confidence...I don't always think other people believe in me...and I allow that to paralyze me sometimes. What is that about? Why is that I can believe in myself and feel very secure in who I am but not be convinced anyone else believes in me?

And, yet another strange part of our conversation....somehow we ended up talking about remarriage and whether that was something I should consider or hope for. He said if God has given me a desire in my heart to be married again that God longs to give me those desires and that I should either pray God would take away that desire or give me that desire. ....still chewing on that one....does God really want to give me the desires of my heart? What if my desires aren't good desires? Or, what if they aren't what is best for my kids? I definitely have a desire to be in a marriage relationship again....but, I'm not convinced God is going to grant me that....maybe it isn't what is best. I don't know, his theology seemed too simple...."If I want this, then God will give it to me"....not sure I can buy that. So, let's just add his comments to the rest of the pile of people who think they know what God is going to do in my life....it seems everyone has an opinion and a belief they want to convince me of to make it all better...to give me a happy ending....wish I knew what I believed....

So, a really odd day....not what I expected when I woke up this morning....

For life, I am grateful.....for everyone's conflicting opinions, I'm sometimes confused....

God, could you just write on the wall for me? Could you just circle the name of the person who has it right about you and how life works? It would be so kind of you....really...ok...."Trust in the Lord with all your heart....Lean not on your own understanding....In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"....got it....still working on that....

Another Interesting Visit

Several months ago I had a very random ministry opportunity come my way when a lady in crisis called the church wanting to visit with a minister. I wrote about our visit(s) in a couple of blog entries because it became a very meaningful and interesting connection.

I hadn't heard from her in a few months but I have often thought about how she is doing and how her life is going. She emailed me last week to set up an appointment today to come by and visit.

Again, it was a time when I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing...I felt useful and helpful. It was a huge blessing to hear how she was doing and try to help her sort through the ongoing issues in her life. For me, the relationship that has developed with her has been a clear reminder of how God works in ways we don't even see or understand. I'm certain God could have used any minister on staff to work with this lady. However, I find it interesting that I happened to be the one who ended up with this lady...I don't think it was a coincidence. I see too many cool ways God has used my life story to connect with this lady who needed someone who had experienced great pain in order to be credible and somewhat effective (in her eyes).

The nice thing...is that she has been an encouragement in my life. At the end of each time I have talked with her she has thanked me and told me that she has seen other counselors but that I had "brought something home to her" that had been very helpful that had been missing with other counselors. I guess maybe it's just nice to be appreciated....and she is a very well educated, professional, and successful business lady. So, it encourages me to hear that from someone I would respect a lot in real life. And, since I now understand that "words of affirmation" is my primary love language, her encouraging words have a very powerful effect on me. I suppose that is another missing element in my life without Brian. He was very affirming to me and there is a huge need for that often goes unfilled. I know not to look to others to try to fill it but it is nice when those words are spoken....I treasure them.

This has been an interesting ride....I have seen such a change in her life...not because of me, but because of how she has earnestly sought God and earnestly sought to work through her pain. I'm just thankful I have had a front row seat to see God move and work in her life.

Who knows if I will ever hear from her again....I believe it was around Christmas that I visited with her last time....but, I am thankful for stories and relationships that continue to play out and show up in unexpected and timely ways.

For the way I feel when I know God has shown up....I am so grateful.

Another End in Sight

I just emailed my last paper of the semester to my professor!  It feels good to have another semester's end in sight.  Without a doubt, this has been the most enjoyable semester I have had so far.  I was able to study some things that I was interested in AND I passed my NCE exam AND I finished my client contact hours for my LPC license...a very, VERY productive semester!

Even with all the accomplishments and the relief of another semester, I still feel some emptiness and sadness.  For the past couple of weeks it has just been hitting me how different my life is than most of the people around me.  I saw a facebook post yesterday of a picture of a chest that a dad had made for his wife and children to contain the "Letters from Dad" that he had written.  Our church is doing a class with this emphasis of dads leaving a written legacy for their children.  It stung a little to look at that and know that my kids will never have that....Yet, I know that if he were alive he would have been one of the first dads to sign up and probably would have made something really special for the kids similar to what this dad had done.  So, I realize that we had that...it's just the fact that we don't have it anymore that makes me sad and sometimes down.

I also miss the emotional connection and support of a spouse.  There are times when I just need to vent and need someone to balance out my thinking.  I so miss that.  I so need that.  

Nathan had braces put on today.  I could tell he was somewhat excited about it but also a little embarrassed when people wanted to see what he looked like with them on.  He had a choice of any color of brackets that he wanted and he asked for the silver ones because they wouldn't show up like the other bright colors.  He and I are so alike in many ways.  Neither one of us like to wear or do anything that draws attention to us.  I now see that as a lack of confidence in myself and I hope I can help him overcome that same tendency in the self-confidence area of life.

We opened up a new area in the preschool ministry at church this weekend.  It has been a fun process to dream it and then see it all come together.  God has blessed us with some remarkably talented people and I am thankful for the way they used their gifts in this project.  I love, love, love big projects and big ideas....the challenge and planning that goes along with them are what I like the most.

I'm learning that I have a very difficult time working with people who have no plan.  I don't think I have always been this way but my life circumstance has pushed me in the direction of always needing to plan ahead.  I'm uncertain and a little frustrated in knowing how to approach a big event for the end of the summer.  At this point, I am concerned about how well it is going to go off because of the lack of coordination that I see going on.  The lay person who is in charge is very difficult to follow and is not someone I think I "click" with in terms of how we see big events needing to be planned.  The event has huge potential...and maybe I have been a little down because I had anticipated being more involved in the planning and strategy of it all.  I saw it as an extension of VBS...instead it is being seen as something separate from VBS and it is difficult to figure out how to make the two work together.   

Regardless, I see the clock ticking and I am so looking forward to being on vacation in parts of June and July....I just hope the month of May produces some major work towards this project so that vacation time can be enjoyed.  And, I guess I am a little worried that because it is connected to VBS (in that it kicks off VBS) that it will somehow be a reflection on me if it doesn't come together like it should.  I suppose this is where I struggle with working with people who don't think like I do.  I allow it to be very frustrating and I need to figure out a better way to cope with working in situations that don't match my style and approach.   I guess the bottom line is that I am now sort of dreading the project because I don't see the teamwork happening that I enjoy so much....maybe it will get better, I can only hope anyways.  

So, another end is imminent...my third semester is almost done...I will have completed a little over 1/3 of the Phd program...time is moving fast.....and I have thoroughly enjoyed it!

For new opportunities to learn and grow....even if they are painful....I am grateful.

Unexpected Call

Tonight I got a phone call from Brian's brother who lives in Oklahoma.  I haven't talked to him since Christmas and even then we didn't talk much.  When my kids went there for Spring Break he and his family barely spent any time with my kids (even though they were right next door).  It bothered me a little but I decided it was just part of life and tried not to think about it too much.  There are times when I let my mind consume me with things and issues that don't really matter.  I suppose I have spent a fair amount of time wondering what kind of relationship any of Brian's family wants with me and the kids.  I loved them because I loved Brian.  It was a choice and I don't regret it.  However, now, the love isn't as strong for them.  I want them to be a part of my kids lives but I don't know how long that will last.  I am sure they feel the same way about me.  They want to be a part of Brian's kids lives and I am just part of that.

However, tonight, he called to see if we would all go to Great Wolf Lodge with them next weekend.  I can't tell you how good it made me feel for him to call and ask us to do that. I think there have been times when I have felt rejected or left out and this call made me feel accepted and wanted.   Again, it's not that I anticipate being best buddies with them, it's just the fact that they want to spend some time with us.  It makes me feel better to know that they do want to be in our lives.  

So, off we will go to Great Wolf Lodge and I expect there will be lots of fun had by all.

It's really hard....really, really hard to know how to look at life and relationships after Brian's death.  There is a part of me that wants to hold on to every relationship, every friendship, every memory.  However, there is also a part of me that realizes in order to move towards our future I have to let go of many of those things/relationships.  There is a lot of grey in knowing what to hold on to and what to let go of....I'm not certain I am always making the right choices. 

On another note...school is pretty intense right now.  I am trying to finish up my semester and there are a million and one things going on at work and home.  I've been grumpy and down today just thinking about all that has to be done.  However, if I can make it through this week it should be all downhill from here.  

For an eventual end to the month of April....I will be sooooo grateful!

Braden keeps it real!

Braden, Braden, Braden. You have so much love and energy and curiosity!

Today, you threw a large rock through your sister's window. When I asked you why....you shrugged your shoulder and flashed your hollywood smile at me.

It's a good thing there were several people gathered around to see what happened. Having other people around helped me find the humor in it. Although, I certainly didn't let you see me smiling about it.

So, you will be doing some chores to help pay for it. And, you continue to keep me humble and on my toes.

I've got to be honest...if it weren't for your smile and the way you remind me of your daddy....you'd be toast! I love it when other people tell me you look just like your daddy....because you do.

For you and your zest for life....I am grateful (a little poorer each day, but grateful).

Mirrors are useful

Mirrors give an accurate reflection of what can't be seen without them.

I've noticed that Nathan has learned to use a mirror to look at the back of his hair to make sure it looks just the way he wants it.  Without the mirror, he would have no idea what his hair really looked like in the back.

Brian used to be a pretty good mirror for me.  He could show me the things that I couldn't see because of my own limitations.

I miss that.

I need a good mirror sometimes.

It's hard to filter my thoughts and feelings all by myself.

I need that mirror to show me when something is out of place....or to just give me a true picture of myself.

I struggle with knowing what other people see that I don't.

My perception is not always accurate.

God give me your perception because I can' t trust mine.  Give me peace in my mind about issues and struggles.  Show me areas where I am wrong and out of line.  Give me confidence in those areas where I am accurate.

A Job Well Done!

Nathan participated in his first state Bible drill competition this weekend.  Hats off to him for a job well done.  This picture was taken right after he finished and he was jazzed about how well he did!

I was too.

We've worked hard on this.  I think I have every verse and key passage memorized as well.

I love that he had to work hard at it and that he was successful.  It reinforces to him how well he can do when he puts his mind to it.

According to my scorecard he was one shy of being perfect.  I would have never dreamed he would do that well (especially last October when he first started working on it).

It's not the performance I am the proudest of....it's the way he continues to choose to be diligent in whatever challenge is before him.  He doesn't give up when it gets tough.  He may consider it and it may frustrate him, but he chooses to perservere.  

The buttons have been popping off my shirt lately.....and the amount of hope I have for my kids has continued to sky rocket.

For hope, I am grateful.

Things that make me smile...

My kids have made me smile and laugh a whole lot lately. Here are a few of the more memorable happenings of this past month....

1). Lexi was the narrator for a play in her class. It was "Charlotte's Web" and her teacher asked the kids to think up costume ideas for each person. Someone suggested the narrator wear all black. Lexi proceeded to tell them that her mom wouldn't let her wear all black (not sure where that came from...I never remember telling her she couldn't wear all black). So, they compromised and she told them she would wear something brown. In the meantime, we had our Maundy Thursday dinner and she wore a pink, white and brown biblical costume. It was a smock type dress and then a multi-color robe with a belt (see pics of our Maundy Thursday dinner in this blog). Sooo, Lexi decided to use the biblical costume for her narrator costume. I tried to reason with her (Charlotte's Web and biblical costumes really don't go together) but she was dead set on wearing the biblical costume for the Charlotte's Web play. I obviously gave in and she stuffed the costume in her backpack and wore it proudly for the play. Right after the play they had a Jump Rope for Heart party and there was no time for her to change. So, she went to the party with her biblical costume on. Keep in mind that everyone else had on their regular school uniform, except Lexi. When she returned to her room, someone had taken her uniform clothes (apparently Molly, who is by the way the tallest girl in the entire 2nd grade thought they were hers and took them???). She couldn't find them anywhere so her teacher sent her on to Runner's Club in her biblical costume. She ran 2 miles in her full biblical costume. I can only imagine the looks she got as she ran around the trail. I am sure there were lots of giggles. The funny thing to me is that she came home completely unphased by it all. She laughed as she told me the story. She wore the costume the rest of the evening. She went up the street to play with the neighbors in her costume. She was proud of it and happy to wear it. I have laughed and laughed about that because I can only imagine her trying to Jump Rope in a biblical costume...and then to run two miles in it....that's just more than I can think about without giggling. I love that she wasn't embarrassed and that she found humor in it...she is her own person and I like that.

2). Braden walked in on Lexi taking a bath and declared his astonishment at the difference between her body and his. He was aghast that she didn't have a peepee. He called me in there to point it out (as if it were some emergency, "MOM, MOM, COME HERE!!!"). I tried to very matter of factly let him know that he was a boy and she was a girl and girls don't have peepees. Oh, the look on his face....it was priceless.

3). I was described by one of my counseling clients as her "kick-butt L.P.C". Somehow, when I was going to school and envisioning what it would be like to be an LPC, I never imagined a client making a public declaration like this. Still, I suppose it is better than the alternative.

Just a few random funnies....it seems like there was one more I meant to share but I can't for the life of me remember what it was...


For smiles and laughter....and visions of Lexi running in her biblical garb, I am grateful!!!

He'd love to know....

Brian was a very involved and proud father. He did a lot of things with the kids that most dads would never do. Just a couple of weeks before he died he took Lexi to the mall and bought her several new outfits. And, they were really cute! Brian had every intention of celebrating every milestone and supporting them wholeheartedly through any and all circumstances they might find themselves in. He was a fantastic father and the kids recognize and respect that about him.

So, I know he'd love to know how well the kids are doing. Report cards came out today and the kids did fantastic! I wish he were here to read the following comments from their teachers:

For Nathan: What could I possibly say about Nathan's work ethic that I have not already stated this year? His work ethic is an ideal standard that I'd like to have all students strive to replicate. He not only puts forth his best effort on a daily basis, but he does this with such a positive attitude. He is an exceptionally hardworking, conscientious, respectful, and diligent student who is also warm, caring, and compassionate towards his classmates. It's truly been my privilege having him as part of our classroom community this year.

For Lexi: Lexi continues to give and do her personal best each and every day! She takes full responsibility for her learning and always spends her class time wisely. She has become much more confident in her abilities and more comfortable using her voice to express thoughts and opinions. She recently completed a project on her literature circle book in which she demonstrated understanding of the characters and the story itself. She took her role as narrator very seriously and worked hard to perfect her lines. I was extremely proud of her dedication and determination to be the best she could be. I am very proud of Lexi's progress and I know the best is yet to come!

Brian would be very proud of them. I wish he were here to celebrate their growth and learning! I've gotten used to the fact that he is no longer here. I've adjusted, learned to manage, done some healing, and begun to move forward. I understand all of that....it just doesn't seem fair that he's not here to see his own children grow up. While I know it doesn't really matter to him now, it would have mattered to him so very much if he were still here. He would be grinning from ear to ear....and there would be lots of high fives and hugs....

I know he would also be proud of me and excited about all that is going on in my own life. At the awards banquet today I received the "so and so and such and such" (don't want to use their names because of google) award of excellence in childhood education for academic achievement, excellence, and potential for success in the field of childhood education. Along with the honor came a cash award. When I picked the kids up from school I showed them the certificate, the awards program that listed me as a winner, and the check. They were very impressed. It was actually funny how impressed they were with the check. If nothing else, it was a good example of what happens when you work hard. I could see the lightbulbs going off in Nathan's head...."if I make good grades, I get checks!"....even more motivation for him.


I know he'd love to know all these things.....and maybe he does....

My kids aren't the smartest kids in the school....or the fastest...or the best athletes...or the best-looking----they aren't considered "gifted and talented"......but I do think they are doing well at being "their" best....because they are putting in their best effort every day....and it looks like they are well on their way to reaching "their" potential...and for that I am so grateful....

Life is good...

The past couple of days have been so sweet and good around our house.  Well, there was that fiasco with the "popper" that caused some temporary insanity in our home.  Other than that, it has been smooth sailing.  I hate to say that because it may mean storms are brewing for later in the week.  But, for now, I can be thankful for good times at 906 Royal Court.

This afternoon all three kids had doctor appointments.  Braden (5 yrs) and Lexi (8 yrs) weigh the same amount and are within 1/2 an inch of each other.  Braden is off the charts for his age.  I am thinking a second job may be necessary when he reaches the teen years.  Nathan moved up to "average" for his age.  The doctor pointed out that he had been "short and skinny" this time last year.  Gotta love the way she put it so bluntly.  I am so very thankful for their health.  God has been good to us in that arena.  For whatever reason, I just feel especially grateful for that today.

We didn't get out of those appointments until it was too late to go back to school so I was "spontaneous" and took them to the Fort Worth Zoo for a late afternoon walk through the park.  First of all, "spontaneity" is not my gift and so I was especially pleased with myself.  Secondly, we had a wonderful time.  No strollers, no fussing, just enjoying the beautiful weather and watching the funny animals.  The monkeys provided quite a show for us concerning their bodily functions...and oh so up close and personal.  Again, being there this afternoon I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude and peace.  

This evening Braden and I went for a "run".  It was more "walk" than "run" but he was determined to go "a mile and a half".   So, we did.  He was especially charming and funny and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Tomorrow is the awards banquet at school.  I am a little nervous about going but excited that I was invited and will be receiving an award.  I wish Brian were here to go with me but I know he is (would be) proud.  And, I'm a very non-traditional student....so there!!!!  It's strange to be consistently one of the "older" ones in my classes....life is so interesting.

Life is good...and I am very grateful...and hopeful!

Easter 2009

Easter 2009 was a wonderful day of worship, service, fellowship and fun. The kids and I made it into the 8:10 service today and got to worship our risen Lord. One highlight of the service was hearing the testimony of the young mom that our staff helped out at Christmas time. God is doing a work in her life and it was cool to know that we had a part in that. I am thankful that God has allowed me to see some fruit from that effort. More than that, I am in awe of how God can change a person's heart and life.

The preschool ministry went off without a hitch this morning. We had record numbers of preschoolers and our volunteers showed up in full force. It was a great morning of serving our church families. I am thankful for the way our church responds on Easter! It blesses me every year!

We had a scrumptuous Easter dinner this afternoon. It was just the four of us but it was really nice. We had good conversation around the table and it was a team effort to get everything cooked and cleaned up. The kids are doing a good job of helping with setting the table, fixing the glasses, clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen.

We had our annual neighborhood and friends and family Easter egg hunt this afternoon. Kids + oodles of eggs=FUN!!!!!

This evening the kids requested family time. I thought I was going to pass out when they asked if we could do it. Braden wanted to light the candles again (a budding pyromaniac) and Lexi had a snack she wanted to share at the end. So, of course, we did family time. The whole time I was smiling because they were willing and enthusiastic participants. We have come a long way lately in the spiritual arena. Our conversations are going deeper and I can see how God is working in their hearts. After I shared the Bible story Lexi asked if we could do what Jesus did at the Last Supper. She had brought crackers and chocolate (gotta love that). I just went with the flow and she told me the crackers were Jesus' body and the chocolate was His blood. She asked me to say the words that go with it and so we did. I suppose we had a pseudo-communion experience tonight. I used it as a teaching time to tell them why we do it and how they weren't able to participate in the church's communion until they were Christians. It was sweet, really sweet.

My heart is full today....I found tears in my eyes last night as I thought about another Easter without family, and another Easter without Brian....Today, the Lord blessed me with lots of smiles, laughter, and love.....for that I am grateful.

Easter with Family

I wish we didn't live five hours from home.  It would be nice to celebrate Easter with my extended family.  Four years ago my whole family came here for Easter....it was so much fun!!!!  Four years ago we woke up to a blanket of unexpected snow.  Four years ago was our last Easter with Brian.

I'd love to have Easter with my entire family again.....

For the gift of  memories I am grateful....

Our Maundy Thursday

So, we did the "Maundy Thursday" thing tonight.  It was a lot of fun.  The kids enjoyed planning it, setting the props up, rearranging the furniture in the living room and preparing the food.  I think they also learned something too.  

For me, it was good...not perfect, not exactly how I imagined it, but good!  My expectations always seem to be a little higher than they should be.  However, we did it and I am glad.

This is part of my decision to try to do more things in our home that reflect the faith I want  my children to follow.  I am always so "busy" at church that we rarely get to do the things that normal families do at church...like sit in worship together.  However, if we can do family devotions and special events like this I believe we can do a better job of expressing our faith through our actions and worship.

I was a little frustrated by the behavior of one certain off-spring...who shall remain nameless.  We have been doing so well lately, this was definitely a set back.  He acted his age and stayed true to his personality, so at least he is consistent.  I need to spend more time praying for him and asking God to help me parent him in the most effective way possible.

For me, I learned some new things about the Last Supper.  Jesus was spending his last hours with his disciples and He wanted to make sure they understood who He was and what he expected of them.  His new command to "love one another" stood out to me as a focus area for my life.  I need to love like Jesus loves.  I fall way short in that standard.

For special times as a family and with friends...I am grateful.

Family Time

Tonight we had a great family time/devotion. Just for grins, I had the kids turn out all the lights in the house and we lit three candles. The change in scenery grabbed their attention better than in the past. The ambience was nice and allowed them to focus on what we were doing.

We talked about Holy Week. As a result, I am contemplating having a Maundy Thursday event on Thursay. Wouldn't it be cool to do a "last supper" with the kids and maybe even a foot-washing? I may lose the energy to do it but it has me thinking about how I could make that happen. Since we don't get to worship together very often (it's probably been 3-4 months since we last sat in church together) I am trying to be more creative with worship experiences in our home. I am thinking this might be a cool one to try...and maybe a way to help them learn about Easter and Holy Week.

Nathan did great on Bible Drill today. He advanced to state and only missed 2 calls today. He has come a long way and I am very proud of him. Standing in front of people is not his favorite thing to do so this has really stretched him. One very endearing quality about him is his work ethic. He truly works hard at whatever he does and I am very proud of him for that.

We ended the night playing a game of Apples to Apples. We all had lots of laughs and Braden tried his best to play along. He's not quite there yet, but I look forward to "game nights" when all of us can play games together without the limitations of reading/understanding that are now still lacking.

For a great day...I am grateful.

My mind can't let it go...

After thinking some more about the past couple of posts I realized that my mind can't let it go.  My mind wants to figure this thing out.  I want to be able to say this is why this happened, this is what I learned from it, this is why it mattered.  I want to understand it so much that sometimes I read into things more than I should.

This was clearly evidenced during the first year or so.  Some grief books call it "magical thinking".  I definitely had it.  I suppose, every once in a while, I get pulled back into it.  

It's been impossible to let it go and leave the questions unanswered and the story unfinished.  I want and need closure.  I need meaning and explanation.  I want to figure out a way for all of this to be "ok".  I want to understand God's purpose in all of this, I am searching desperately for it.  

I also want and need to know that I am doing the right things now, that Brian would be proud of us, that he is at peace with all of this, etc.  I need all of that so much that sometimes my mind grasps at things and events that might somehow lead me to the place where my mind can finally rest.

The good news is that these thoughts don't consume me anymore.  I have managed to compartmentalize them to a point where they rarely interrupt my life or cause me lose sleep.  The trigger for me this time was the video we watched.  It stirred me up emotionally and caused me to focus on Brian's death at a level that allowed my mind to return the questions and emotions.  Thankfully, the triggers are few and far between now.    These thoughts also don't prevent me from enjoying, living, loving and appreciating life.  Life is differently good and sweet.  It really is.

I also find that my perspective has widened.  I am open to considering many more aspects of how God worked in the situation than I was able to initially.  I am at a point where I can accept and even believe that Brian's death was merciful (given the context of the injuries).  So, conversations like I had on Wednesday do serve a purpose and may have even been a part of my ever-increasing understanding of how God can bring beauty from ashes.

Maybe my mind will never be able to let it go....or maybe it is letting it go in little bits and pieces...and I need to recognize that as progress and not as failure.  

    

For a differently good and sweet life....I am grateful.

Interesting Day

I found myself talking to someone today who had been in a car wreck similar to Brian's.  It was a head-on collision and she lived through it.  She didn't know my story and it wasn't appropriate to share it with her.  However, she told me that she gets sick of people telling her "at least you didn't die".  With tears in her eyes she said "I wish I would have died, it would have been easier".   

She has pins in her legs and arms and spent months and months in the hospital trying to recover.  She has to carry a special card anytime she flies or goes through a metal detector so that they won't search her thinking she is hiding something.  I asked her if she had read "90 Minutes in Heaven" and she said the injuries he suffered were almost identical to hers.  It was a very long and very difficult recovery, one that in her mind "was worse than death".

I'm not sure exactly what to make of our conversation.  Is it coincidence that I had the experience at the training and wrote about it last night and then today this conversation happened?  

As she was talking I felt extremely weird and a little uncomfortable.  I wondered is God trying to tell me something?  Or even weirder, is Brian trying to let me know that this was what was best for him?  I haven't had those kind of odd thoughts in a long time.  Yet, I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone...I was thinking to myself, "am I really having this conversation with this girl?"  

I'm not sure if I will get to talk with her again...but I do feel like our conversation served a purpose for both of us.  Life sure has been interesting lately.