I just noticed on my profile that I have now been blogging for one year.....big deal...who cares, right? Right.
For me, blogging has been a learning and growing experience. When I look back and read the blogs I have written I see some growth...However, I also see someone who is far too much into "herself"....not intentionally into "myself"....but I tend to forget that life is not all about "me' and "my experiences".....I guess I am realizing that I am a whole lot more "self" centered than I have ever cared to admit....
I'd like to change that.....I am trying to find that balance of "confidence" and "humility"....I don't want to be afraid to be who I am or afraid to allow God to use me in any way he chooses....However, I also don't want to be blind to the fact that the world does not revolve around me and my trials and struggles and victories/failures...
I don't know how you live in that healthy tension....how do you know if you are "out of balance"?
I think I have been "out of balance" lately.....I see that in my posts....it's almost as if I am giving myself a virtual pat on the back....
I mean maybe it was more about "me" feeling like I "ministered" to Sonya's family than it really was about ministering to "them"...maybe it's become more about "me" trying to "grieve well" than it is about orchestrating an evening of remembering for Brian's parents. I don't know....I just look back at those two posts and think that maybe I am too full of myself......maybe I don't have an accurate picture of those two evenings....
Yet, I don't completely believe that either....my heart was genuine.....and I felt a deep connection in both of those instances.....
Blogging has put it out there for me to read...to reread....to analyze...to see the patterns....and I don't always like what I see.....and maybe that is part of growth...recognizing things that need to change.....
It is my heart's desire to be faithful to the One who has been faithful to me....and I am definitely trying....but "I" seem to be getting in the way.....there needs to be a whole lot less of "me".....how do you do that? How do you remove your own needs and desires from the equation so that it doesn't skew what you do or how you feel....
I guess I am a little down on myself....because I have recognized some things in myself that I don't like....and I am not completely sure what to do about it...
I'll keep pondering....
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2 comments:
I think partly that you answered your own question. Your heart was geniune and I think that's what tells you more about your thoughts, feelings, etc.
Those two instances that you referred to I don't think were at all about you. God used you to minister to Sonya's family like He could use no one else at that time. The evening of remembering for Brian's parents is something that was very special to them as it was to you and your kiddos. I think anything you gained from those two events or others where you have been used by God has been an added benefit..if you want to call it that. You were available to be used by God and that's not "all about you."
The tension you speak of...what if it never leaves and I guess it isn't supposed to?? Thanks for sharing so honestly.
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