Doubt

It's been a busy past few days. My house has been like a revolving door with company coming and going. I am worn out from trying to entertain my family and Brian's family. We had some good times but it has been a little too fast paced for me.

The past two and half days I have been at home with a sick child. I have been in a funk since Monday when my folks left. It's been a little different than one of my "usual" funks. This one has been deeper and darker. I would almost call it being depressed. But, in the clinical sense, that wouldn't fit. I have not had all the symptoms of depression and even the ones I have had have not been around for very long. Nevertheless, I am just in a funk.

I went to get something to eat by myself last night and I found myself on the verge of tears just driving to the restaraunt. No particular reason...just discouraged....mainly about my youngest child.....and it was just getting to me....I found myself doubting my parenting skills.....doubting my ability to raise three kids on my own.....doubt, doubt, doubt.

I ran into a church member who sat down and ate with me. The conversation was encouraging and uplifting.....there was mutual frustration and struggle in the parenting arena....I came away from the conversation feeling a little more at peace with myself....knowing that I am not the only one who wonders what kind of job I am doing parenting.....

But...still in a funk...still doubting what God has in store for me.....I am weary.....weary of being optimistic.....weary of being "strong".....

I am trying to fight my way out of the funk.....but the heaviness is difficult.....I just want to know that everything is going to be ok....that my kids are going to do well in life....that they will meet their potential....and that somewhere down the road, things are going to get easier....but I have my doubts....and I think I must be crazy to think I can go back to school.....I am doubting that big-time.......

I just don't know what to do......and the doubts are getting the best of me...

I heard part of the sermon on Sunday and it was about how sometimes we just have to go in a general direction that we think God is leading us....and trust that we won't go wrong if we are just trying our best to obey and seek Him.....I am going in the general direction of school.....and I am wanting to be obedient....but I just don't know if I can do it....if my family will suffer then I don't want to do it.....I am doubting my ability to know whether or not I am supposed to do it.....if I had to make a decision today I would have to say that I am not sure it would be in the best interest of my family.....next week, when I am out of this funk, I might feel differently.....I am conflicted and confused about it.....

Then I think why in the world would I want to add any more stress to my life.....heck, why not just pack it up and move back to Oklahoma where my family can help me raise my kids......but that isn't really what I want either...I don't think....more doubt....

Doubt.....discouragement....depression......

Things will look better in the morning.....for that I am grateful....