Life....God...and other random pieces of information

Life is interesting these days. For whatever reason, I've allowed myself to be a little down, a little discouraged. I'm not sure why the sadness comes and goes but it has settled in for an unwelcome visit.

I sat through 75 minutes of class today that felt like 7.5 hours. I have never wanted to bolt from a classroom more than I wanted to today. It was that presentation I had been dreading....the one on the importance of fathers in the family. For the first time in forever, I used an ungodly amount of energy trying to control my emotions and force myself to stay in the chair. I tried to make myself think of every funny story, every embarrassing moment I could possibly think of to keep myself from tearing up. I also did the unthinkable.....I surfed the internet on my blackberry...checked my facebook acount...just to divert my attention away from the presentation.

I wanted to get up and leave. It was too much at once. The information was overwhelmingly negative about the effects of a fatherless home on children.

I wanted to say "SOOOOO, WHAT should we do about it?" Instead of spending the entire time listing the 5 million things that children suffer from why don't we talk about ideas for bridging this gap. But, I knew if I opened my mouth, the tears would follow. So, I kept my mouth shut and kept surfing.

I suppose I should just be proud that I sat through it. I guess I am.

I wish I was beyond the hurt and discouragement that listening to that presentation causes. I wish I was to the point where I could offer helpful information to the group. But, I'm not there yet....but, someday, I will be there....I'm determined to be there, someday.

To another subject.....on my way home for Thanksgiving God and I had a discussion (Iwas by myself in the car for 5 hours so we had plenty of time to chat). I told Him that I know He understands me and knows my heart. And, since I know He understands me, I wanted Him to hear me say "God I know that you are sovereign.....(wipe a tear)...and I trust you.....(wipe a few more tears).....I trust You to work in my life to accomplish your purpose....."

I've struggled with calling God sovereign since Brian's death. I have reached a point where I can now say that and believe it with all my heart. Truly.

I still don't like the circumstance of my life.....nothing major has changed....no knight in shining armor has arrived to save the day.....but my heart has changed.

I trust Him. His purposes will be achieved. I want to be a part of that.

I really do.