Christmas 2008 has come and gone for us at our house. Santa came last night and we spent all day today enjoying the new stuff and the new addition to our family (puppy). It was a good day. I think I got back some of my perspective that I had lost. Relief is the main emotion I have felt all day. I got it done. I don't have to worry or stress over it for at least 360 days or so.
I have a tendency to compare Christmases since Brian died. I think about how each one of them have been different and what I have learned each year. This is our fourth Christmas without him and I think I finally understand what has been going on with me for the past month or so.
It's anger. I have been mad and frustrated that I am living in a world with an identity I never wanted. Interestingly, I'm not mad at anyone in particular, not even God. I'm just mad and it's hard to know what to do with that feeling.
The anger creeps in because everything gets magnified around the holidays. It becomes painfully obvious that our family is different than the families we hang around with or go to church with. It gets to me that I have no one to go Christmas shopping with anymore, that no one is thinking of a special gift for me, that I can't shop for men's clothes or look forward to doing all the fun things we used to do.
I'm living in the middle of two worlds....and the world I want to live in I can no longer live there without seeming out of place. The world of single parents has not grown on me. I don't want to make the transition to that world. Yet, I know I don't really belong in the "in tact" family world anymore either.
It's not that anyone else has made me feel this way. I still feel accepted but I just don't feel "at home" there any more. I think the holidays make it even harder. I wish I had someone to help me do Christmas for the kids. It's a heck of a lot of work!
I suppose another difference worth noting is that I didn't think about Brian much at all today. It wasn't until tonight that I first thought of him and knew he would be thrilled that I finally got the kids another dog. He was the animal lover in the family.
So, it's not so much that I miss "him" as it is that I miss having "someone". It feels strange to even type that but it is the honest truth. I suppose that maybe in some weird way I have been grieving the loss of my identity (for the past month or so). I'm no longer married. There is no one who thinks I'm the love of their life. That sucks. And, there are times when that feels like rejection, even though I know it's not. I suppose I sometimes think there must be something wrong with me that I am doing this alone.
And, yet, even though there has been an undertone of anger, I'm extremely grateful. My life is blessed with three beautiful children and the hope that comes from knowing God is sovereign and I can trust Him. I'm confident the ending will be better than where I am at right now.
Sometimes blogging helps me lay everything out on the table, examine it, process it, and decide what to do with it. In this case, as I look back over my last few posts, the ride has been a little bumpy but the process has been necessary.
I'm glad Christmas is pretty much over. The holiday magnifying glass of loss will soon be put away for a while. Life will get back to normal and the rhythym will come back to our lives....and we will continue to move and grow forward....for that I am grateful!
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