I am frustrated....

I took a half day off this morning just to "catch up" around the house. For the first time in months, everyone has clean sheets on their bed. I can't remember the last time I got everyone's sheets done in one day! I spent all morning working in the house....trying to get things reorganized and put up from some neglect that has occurred the past couple of weeks. I worked hard. Nonstop. Went to Target and Albertsons to get groceries and other necessities. Paid some bills. It wasn't a lazy morning off. I was extremely productive.

Then I go to work and I work really hard at work. I knock out some stuff that had been hanging over my head.

I am thinking woohoo maybe on Friday, which is usually my day off, I will actually get to enjoy it...since I was so productive today.

Then, my dad calls and tells me I have an appointment Friday morning in Granbury at 9:45am to talk to a contractor about the remaining issue with my building. AAAARRGGGGGHHHH. It has been so long since I have had a Friday all to myself. For the past two months I have been working on school on my day off. Now, I get to work on my commercial property.....my whole morning is shot!!!

I am frustrated with all the roles that I play. There isn't any downtime...and I am weary of that.....

There is always so much to do........and if I relax at all, then things pile up and I regret ever relaxing.

I miss having someone to share all this work with...........there is never any relief....


End of whine session.....back to reality.

I have much to be thankful for. Keep repeating this. I have much to be thankful for. I have much to be thankful for.

The things I now fear....

There have been many points of growth along this journey that I have been on since June 2005 when Brian died. I have changed in many positive ways and have realized just how much more change and growth needs to occur. I guess it has been an eye opener to learn how shallow, unappreciative, and clueless I was and still can be at times. I have a different perspective on life now and I think that is probably a really good and needed thing.

One big difference that I have noticed is that the things I fear have changed.

I used to be a pretty big baby when it came to Brian being gone overnight. I would sleep with the television on if he was gone because the silence was scary. I didn't do many things by myself....I didn't enjoy coming into an empty house at night....part of that fear was because when I was in elementary school our house got broken into three times in one year and I really struggled with being afraid of someone hurting me or my family.....so, those fears were from my past but they impacted me even as an adult.

I don't fear that much anymore. If I hear noises or dogs barking I don't lay awake worrying about it. Instead I just figure that if someone wants to break in they will and if they kill me then they kill me. I know where I am going and I know who I am going to see so it really doesn't matter.

There are some new fears that I have though.....

I am afraid that I won't be able to provide everything my kids need....someone told me today that they paid 1000.00 per quarter just for car insurance for their teenage daughter....YIKES!!! I'm saving for their college but I didn't think about their car insurance....

I am afraid that if our church adds a Saturday night worship service that requires me to be there that it will have a negative impact on our family.....I am the only parent my kids have....and I worry that at some point I will have to choose between being a parent and being an employee....which brings me back to the fear of not being able to provide....

I am afraid that someday I will become a burden to my kids....that they will have to take care of me...that there will be no one to hold my hand through a difficult illness or painful death....

I am afraid that when they grow older and move out that I won't know what to do with myself....my kids are everything to me....what will it be like when they are gone....

Mostly, I fear not making the most of the life that God has given me. Am I really squeezing everything out of the life I have...? Am I making a difference....leaving a legacy? Am I swinging for the fence and leaving it all out on the field?


Life is a gift.

Fear and worry rob me of enjoying the moment that I am now in.......

I am working on this.....When I look too far into the future, the fear takes hold.


I still have so far to go.....still so many points of growth that need to happen.....

Trusting God with my future has become more difficult. I see God in my present and in my past.....I need to trust Him with my future as well.....I really struggle with this....it's a big obstacle for me.....a really big obstacle that needs to be overcome....

I have taken a huge amount of responsibility onto my shoulders...to raise three kids on my own and try to provide all the things they will need....the reality is, that God wants me to trust Him with that....He wants me to do my part...He wants me to work hard and be a good manager and steward.....but He also wants me to trust Him completely.....I am relying too much on myself and not enough on God......It's a hard balance for me to find.......doing my part but also trusting......

I'm working on it....

We'll get there....

School Update

Today I finished my first semester of doctoral work. It felt GOOD!!!!

Several things happened that I think are worth noting:

1. As I said above, it felt GOOD!! It felt like I was doing exactly what I supposed to be doing. I have no regrets about going back to school. I believe it was the right decision and I am excited about the opportunities that are before me. I struggled and struggled to make the decision to go back to school. My biggest concern was my kids. I didn't want them to suffer from it. I can honestly say that I don't believe my kids suffered at all. I may have been a little distracted the past couple of weeks but I was able to manage my time in a way that minimally impacted them. If anything, I wish I had gone back to school earlier....because I have enjoyed it so much.

2. I established myself with my classmates and my professors. Relationships have developed and I have truly enjoyed having a new group of people to get to know and experience school with.

3. I grew through my identity crisis. When I started the program in January I immediately faced an identity crisis in that I had to introduce myself in several different situations that made me uncomfortable. I grew through that to the point that today my identity just slipped out unexpectedly and confidently. I was making a presentation on children and the Internet and we were talking about "community" that occurs online. Someone made the comment that the Internet does provide "community" for people and that we shouldn't minimize that or be suspicious of that. A very natural comment came from me about how I began blogging as a way to work through my loss and as a way to connect with other young widows. I can't remember exactly what I said but I self-disclosed that it had been difficult to find people like me when I found myself to be a 35 year old widow. It wasn't a big deal to anyone else but afterwards I realized that I had grown to the point where I could self-disclose in a public way that was very appropriate and helpful to the discussion. As a result, after class one of my classmates told me that she had lost her first husband just three years after they were married. I now have a new connection with a classmate that I didn't have before that wouldn't have happened if I had not been open about my life.....Yeah for me...yeah for God who heals us to the point where we can be open about our struggles...(Side note....as we were talking on the way out of class she told me that she had heard my story but didn't know how Brian had died...It made me wonder how many people already know but I don't realize that they know....by addressing it today, it made it ok to talk about and we began a conversation that connected our stories....and, to be honest, I was sort of tickled to find that someone else in my class had a similar background....there is just a connection between widows that is hard to explain....

4. I was successful. I did well. I don't have my official grade but my professor was talking to me and another girl before class and she told us that we had set the pace for the class. She told me I did a wonderful job and that she hadn't marked anything down in my paper, just the word "excellent" on the back page.....woohoo...I will take that!! To be fair, she is a very encouraging professor....probably not the hardest one I will ever have....but I gave it my best shot and I feel good about the quality of work I turned in. In my other class I don't know yet what I got on my last paper but I have gotten an "A" on every assignment so far....so, it looks like two classes, two "A"'s

5. I am now ready for a summer break....I am looking forward to being more focused at home and at work...it's nice to have breaks!

I want to move forward....

I wrote a post a while back about some loyalty issues I had when it came to thinking of completely throwing myself into moving forward with my life. I'm letting go of those loyalty issues. I want to move forward more than I want to remain loyal. Let me say that again....I WANT to move forward MORE than I want to remain loyal. There is not a relationship anymore to remain loyal to....Brian no longer has my loyalty....he has my undying love and affection....but he no longer has my heart.

How does that work? I can only give my heart to people who are still alive....to my children, my family, my friends, etc. I can't allow someone who is no longer here to control my emotions or my ability to move forward.

This speaks nothing, absolutely nothing, of the love that I shared with Brian. But, it's over....and I need my heart back, I want my heart back....

It has taken some time to get to this point....I've had to work through some difficult thoughts and emotions....it has been a long process...one that hasn't been rushed or ignored or painless.....I've worked hard at it.....and now I am ready to work hard at moving forward....

I understand that this doesn't mean there will no longer be pain....or tears....or sadness....

I understand that there will still be times when it hurts....when I feel alone....when I wish things were different....


But, I also understand, I think, that this is a necessary part of the journey.....

It's the part of the journey when focus has to shift away from the past.....I want to move past defining my life in terms of my life before Brian died.....

I don't consider this an epiphany....just an acknowledgment of where I am headed....

I want to move forward.....

Can we take our bicycles to heaven?

As you can see from the picture above, Braden learned to ride a bike without training wheels tonight. It was a blast working with him and watching him be successful. It was bittersweet in that I wished Brian was here to see it. Brian taught Nathan how to ride his bike and I have taught Lexi and Braden. It may seem silly but it is at times like this that I am reminded of how much my kids are missing out on. They only have one cheerleader and that's me. I hate that.

I was talking with Braden tonight and told him how proud I was of him. I asked him if he knew who else would be proud of him. He made a couple of guesses before he said his dad. Then he asked me "can we take our bicycles to heaven with us?" Instead of answering him I just asked him what he thought. He said he thought that he could take it so he could ride bikes with his daddy in heaven.

I have to admit that the picture of them riding bikes together in heaven popped into my head. I know it isn't possible....but it was fun thinking about it.

I sure do love my kids.....and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of their lives....

A night at the park...

After a gully-washer storm last night, we had one of those beautiful spring days!

I waited all morning for "the call" from my tenant.....figured there would be some issue as a result of all the rain.....but, no call!!!!
I am extremely thankful that I didn't hear from them today! Woohoo! Maybe we have finally resolved the drainage issues.....probably not, but I can at least hope!

Tonight I took my kids and the neighbors kids to the local park. I picked up chicken and we had a nice picnic in the park.

I love watching my kids run wild and free through the park. They were wading in the creek...trying to find tadpoles.....swinging in the swings....and playing hide and go seek....they were having a blast just being kids....and I always get a kick out of watching that...

I saw several couples at the park...holding hands.....

I miss Brian when I see that....we spent a lot of time at the park over the years of our dating and marriage...I felt a little bit alone tonight....

Just random thoughts...

Some things I wanted to jot down....

A big round of thunderstorms gave us some excitement in our house tonight.

I am always amazed at my kids viewpoints of the storms....Here are some of the conversations that went on tonight:

Lexi: as she is staring out the window watching the rain and hail pour down..."I bet tomorrow that we are going to miss our extra recess time that we earned today" (she made this comment several times...apparently they worked hard to earn ten extra minutes of recess for tomorrow and she was not happy that it might be too muddy for them to play...)

Lexi: "it's helling out there"
Nathan: "Lexi you can't say that word right so you don't need to say it all"
Lexi: starting to cry, "but it is helling out there"
Nathan: "don't say that word Lexi, its inappropriate"
Me: "Lexi, it is ok...it is hailing out there....Nathan, give her a break"


Braden: "we are safe in this house aren't we mom?"
Me: "yes, we have a very safe house"
Braden: "daddy made us a safe house didn't he?"
Me: "Yes Braden he did and we are thankful for that aren't we?"

Kids keep life so interesting....

Loyalty

By my very nature I am an extremely loyal person. I have always been one to have strong loyalties to people, organizations, teams that I played on, churches, etc. I was loyal to Brian during our marriage and I find that my loyalty to him now tends to become a sticking point for me as I work to rebuild my life and move forward.

It sometime feels disloyal to think certain ways about my life without Brian. Even as I think about God's plan and purpose for my life I find that my loyalty to Brian clouds my thinking. It feels disloyal to think that I could admit that the way my life has turned out was part of God's plan and purpose for my life. I think that if I become "ok" with my life and the purpose that my life serves then that must mean that my life with Brian had a secondary importance....as if he was just a small part of who I was supposed to become....

I am still very loyal to Brian. I was talking with someone the other day who worked with Brian in the home building business. She was telling me about some problem that happened after Brian died that I never knew about. I found myself apologizing to her that she had to deal with that issue. My loyalty to him caused me to feel bad that something happened that he wasn't around to fix. In reality, she wasn't telling me that to make me feel bad....she was reminiscing about one particularly difficult customer he had to work with....but, I felt bad about it even when that wasn't her intent or purpose.

I feel stuck because of my loyalty issues....will I ever be able to accept the purpose God has for my life if I can't allow myself to be ok with things because I feel disloyal to Brian? In reality, Brian has no need for my loyalty now.....maybe I am still trying to prove to myself how much I loved him and miss him??? I have no doubts that he knew he was loved by me....I told him often....and I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me....

How do I let go of this need to stay loyal to him? I think I have to figure this out before I can truly embrace the rest of my life....is it just a personality issue that I am dealing with here? Or, is there something underneath this need to remain loyal....at the expense of accepting and embracing my new life....

I am thankful for my life, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, and a thousand other things. I am optimistic about my future, about my children's future. I am taking steps to rebuild my life and I can see the walls starting to come up...much progress has been made. But, there is this undercurrent of loyalty that causes me to hang on to him in some ways that may actually be detrimental to the future God is calling me towards....

I am struggling with putting into words what is going on in my head...this was a first attempt.....

Stepping Stone or Stumbling Block

I went to a Will Graham training meeting the other night. There was a part of the talk caught my attention. The speaker was talking about difficult things that Christians go through and that our response to a difficult time in our life is to either let it be a stepping stone or a stumbling block.

I don't like thinking of Brian's death as a stepping stone...as if his death had to be there in order for me to get to the next step in my life. I am not sure the analogy completely fits but for the most part I agree with it. I have tried really hard not to let his death be a stumbling block for me. For the most part, I have succeeded. However, there are many times when my thoughts about what happened become a stumbling block. I get distracted by the "whys" and the "how's" and find myself trying to redefine who God is based on what has happened in my life.

I need to stop that. I need to let it go. I want to, but it's hard.

I'm praying that God will continue to show Himself to me and that I will put my trust completely in Him....

My thoughts have become my stumbling block.....

My actions reflect a choice to make it a stepping stone.....I'm rebuilding my life...I'm making great progress...

If I can just get control of my thoughts.....

My Life as a Landlord

One of the roles that I have to play involves being a landlord to a residential rental home and to a commercial property. Being a landlord is at the very bottom of my list of things that I wanted to be when I grew up. As a matter of fact, I think I have expressed my "hatred" of this role. It just isn't me and it isn't any fun.

Today I got to play the role in all its glory. My commercial renter has this way of kissing me on one cheek with a compliment and then slapping the heck out of my other cheek with some false accusation or complaint. I should know better by now but it happens every time.

For about the past two months I have tried to take the bull by the horns and deal with issues that have been ongoing and extremely frustrating. If nothing else, I have now established a decent relationship with the tenants and they feel comfortable calling me when there is an issue. This is in stark contrast to how I operated right after Brian died. They didn't call me and I didn't want anything to do with any of it. So, my building manager dealt with everyone and everything and I basically approved expenditures and checked the bank account balance to make sure we were in good shape.

I realized today how far I have come in trying to manage what I was left to manage. I have made some decisions recently that I think have been good business decisions. I have been more proactive about maintaining my relationship with the tenants. I have stopped by the place to check on things and talk with the tenants and other contractors. It doesn't bother me much anymore to go to the building and be in it. I remember the first time I went in after Brian died. I was so uncomfortable and had so many flashbacks to when he was still alive. Now, I go there and I think to myself "Wow, this is weird that I own this building....and I even try to act like I know what I am doing".

I didn't enjoy all the phone calls I got and had to make today. It still isn't any fun to try to be something I'm not. But, I handled things and at the end of the day everyone seems happy. I don't know what I am exactly trying to say with this post except that maybe I have accepted this role now....not that I want it...but, I do accept it and I am trying to do a better job of playing the role....

I see progress with the relationship with the tenant and I am hopeful that someday we will have a healthy business relationship...we are closer to that than we have ever been....but still a ways to go.

And...not that it matters....but I think Brian would be surprised and proud of the way I am trying to handle things.....but, mostly, I am just proud of myself that I have finally taken this role on and tried to become a better manager of what God has given me to help provide for my family.

And, to be honest, I think my dad is grateful that I am handling some of the things that I am capable of handling....and I know my building manager is thankful that I have taken more ownership of the issues we have to deal with on an ongoing basis.....

So, I think it's probably a good thing.....and for the most part, I am doing ok at it. I'll never be great at it....but at least I am trying, really trying....

Further thoughts....

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that there are some sore spots that I still have in relation to Brian's death. I have some further thoughts related to that post and I wanted to jot them down....

I have noticed that when people talk flippantly about "God's will" for their life or talk about how "blessed" they are or even talk about how God answered some prayer request (that to me maybe seems trite) that I get stirred up inside. Sometimes I just blow it off and don't think about it. Other times, it sends me down the road of wondering who God is and how He works...a road of confusion....

I think I have realized that I am sensitive about that because every time someone talks about their "successful" walk with the Lord, that may include blessings, protection, healing, etc., that I allow myself to feel beat down by their "success" and my "failure". In other words, if they have God wrapped around their finger doing everything they ask, blessing everything they do, protecting and healing their loved ones then I must have done something wrong or I must not be as "spiritual"...or maybe I just don't really understand how all that works...

It almost feels like a quick punch to the stomach....it usually catches me off guard and I am distracted by the effects of it for varying lengths of time. It's not that I begrudge people for being blessed or experiencing God's protection or healing....not at all...I am genuinely happy for my friends and family when they experience the "good" in life...and, for the most part, I recognize that I am extremely blessed in many, many, many ways....but I have also had my heart broken and my life forever changed and I had no control over it....and that is difficult to let go of...

It feels like everyone else in life has won and I have lost.....and I don't understand why....especially when I begin playing the comparison game.....I shouldn't even go there but I do.

I "know" that what I have just described is not "rational" or "true". When I break it down and look at it I realize that I have some bad connections going on....that I am the one who has the issue and not all "those people (ha)" that are so flippant.

I suppose that recognizing the faulty thinking is the first step to putting that aside.....so, I have recognized it....now I just need to figure out how to disconnect those things that shouldn't be connected...

I've mentioned before that this tragedy has created a filter that I process my thoughts, feelings, and actions through that isn't necessarily healthy. There are parts of the filter that are helpful but there are also parts of it that are not.

I've still got some work to do in processing my thoughts and feelings....maybe someday I'll get there...

God at work...

I got to witness something really cool today. I saw God at work in a situation in a very specific way. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that God is at work all around us....and I recognized it today.

Go God!

Just for fun...

Just in case someone asks me what I did today, here it goes....

1. Wake up at 7:00am.
2. Take shower.
3. Cook bacon, eggs and make banana smoothies for my three plus my daughter's friend.
4. Clean up mess from cooking.
5. Clean up blankets and pillows from last night's "family movie night" event in the living room.
6. Vaccuum living room and Braden's room.
7. Work on my paper and realize somehow I had one less page done than I thought. Add one more page of content to get it back to page 19 where I thought I would be beginning this afternoon.
8. Reorganize the 50 plus journal articles I have strewn from my office to the kitchen. Weed out the ones I don't need.
9. Mow the back yard.
10. Take another shower because I smell like a mower.
11. Clean up the sweet tea that got spilled all over the kitchen by my darling children.
12. Print off 5 more articles related to my paper.
13. Gas up my Tahoe and get a car wash.
14. Go to the local library to check out a book for Nathan's project on C.S. Lewis.
15. Get a Dr. Pepper at Dairy Twin.
16. Go up to the church to talk to one of my sister's friends who is here from Oklahoma doing a retreat for Preteens in our church.
17. Cook lunch for the kids.
18. Clean up the mess from lunch.
19. Do laundry and pick up the rest of the house.
20. Take Nathan and Braden to a friends house to play.
21. Take Lexi to a birthday party.
22. Work on my paper. Write 3 additional pages of content.
23. Go pick up Lexi at her birthday party.
24. Go pick up Nathan and Braden from friends house.
25. Pack a suitcase for Lexi because she has been invited to spend the night at a friends.
26. Cook dinner for Nathan and Braden.
27. Clean up dinner.
28. Go for a run in the neighborhood.
28. Work some more on my paper...adding 2 more pages of content.
29. Pack suitcase for Nathan because he has been invited to spend the night with a friend.
30. Smile because Braden has fallen asleep on the couch and is out for the rest of the night!
31. Write one more page on my paper and call it quits for the day.
32. Carry Braden to bed.
33. Iron my clothes and Braden's clothes for tomorrow. Fold some laundry and put some more in to wash.
34. Take a nice hot bath to wash off the sweat from my run (2 showers and one bath today)
35. Sit down at the computer and write this meaningless blog entry.

Wheehhhh...it's been a very productive day....

The Sore Spots

For the most part, I am now able to think about Brian and talk about him without getting emotional. I've come a long way in that regard. However, I was reminded this week that there are still some sore spots that will illicit a raw emotional response.

I have been wrestling with the question of "God's will" in my life. I don't know how to understand Brian's death in terms of whether or not it was "God's will" for my life. I posed the question of trying to understand or accept this as God's will in my life to my counselor this week. He pointed out that trying to answer that question can create quite a dilemma in regards to understanding who God is. I struggle with it because on the one hand I want God to be completely in control of my life and my future. It feels more secure to think that God is involved in every detail of my life. However, my experience lends me to think that God must not be very involved in my life or surely He would have protected Brian and allowed him to live. I have a hard time accepting it as "God's will" when it includes the death of my husband and my children's father. I can't wrap my mind around how I am supposed to view his death.

After hearing me ramble on a bit about this dilemma my counselor made this statement and asked me this question......"Shelly, I think that sometimes it is hard to think about everything in life in terms of it being "God's will" for our lives....maybe the better question to ask is....do you believe this is what God wanted to happen?"

My immediate answer was "no"....and then the tears came....painful tears.....to be honest, I am not sure why that question caused me to have such an emotional response....it wasn't just the average "this makes me sad" type of response...it was a gut-wrenching pain....a pain I had not experienced in a long time.....and I am still trying to process why that was such a sore spot for me....

I guess it had not occurred to me to look at it that way....and I knew the answer was absolutely no....no, my God would not have wanted this for me.....or for my children....

He then went on to say that Scripture talks about creation groaning....about how it grieves God to see His children hurting....and that life is sometimes just hard....and there some really hard things that we go through....but that doesn't change who God is or the love He has for us....

I don't believe it was God's will for Brian to die and leave me to raise three children on my own. I don't think it surprised Him or caught Him off guard...I don't think He planned it or caused it to happen. It happened as the result of a human error.....not because God willed it to happen. And, that is a hard thing to accept and work through......almost three years later and I am still trying to work through it....