There are times when I post something and then it continues to rumble in my head until I figure out "why" it is still rumbling. One of the things that I have been trying to flesh out is the way I said how I was wanting to rebuild my life. The phrase "daring to dream my life could be better than before" has nagged at me all week. I went back and edited it to say "building a life that is different and more useful"...but it still has been rumbling.
What do I really mean by that? I meant to communicate that I was beginning to realize that it was ok and desireable to want to have a life that is different and maybe even more fulfilling than the life I had with Brian. "Bigger and "better" just wasn't exactly what I was trying to communicate....like this was going to be some kind of "trade up".
I was comparing it with the building that Brian rebuilt after the fire. When I really think about it, it would have been foolish for him to try to build the "exact" same building as was there before. Instead, he tried to tailor it to what his needs were and to what the market would appreciate when trying to sell it someday. Ok, so that is probably more what I was meaning. It would be foolish (and futile) for me to try to rebuild or keep the exact same life that we had before....first of all, that would be impossible because Brian is no longer here. But, more importantly, it would be wise to take a look at what our needs are, what our strengths are, what our resources are, etc. and try to rebuild something that utilized all of those to their fullest potential.
That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get out of the box of my old life and build something more useful and more fulfilling based on what I have to work with....and that may look a little different than the life I had with Brian....and I think that is ok....and it has taken me two years to really be ok with that....because it is so hard to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to try to build something that was both different and good....and that has been a big hurdle to get over....I have struggled with thinking that a "different" life meant our "old" life wasn't good....it's twisted widow thinking....but it has been a hard one to work through....
There, that feels much better....let the rumblings stop....
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2 comments:
Shelly,
What a beautiful analogy!! I,too, long for a "new building"--one that is perhaps, not better, but just as fulfilling. Thanks---you spoke volumes of hope to me today.
Marsha
I hope God in His wisdon leads many widows to your blog Shelly. In thinking of my mom having been a widow at age 30 and wondering how to make a new life i just know she would have so greatly loved to have someone like you to read share with and grow into that new life God bless you richly as you keep *rumbling* Shelly!!
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