She Returns....and another first....

Lexi showed up at about 4:30am to reclaim her stake in my bed. I asked her about it this morning and she said "I slept half of the night in my bed and half of the night in your bed". She is in my bed again tonight...oh well, it was a nice thought....

On my lunch hour today I went to the motor and mower supply store. It was the first time I had been in there. My neighbor told me my gas edger's blade was bad and that I could find a replacement for it there. So, I had a few extra minutes and thought I would go in there and see what they had.

First of all, I am quite certain I am the only female with all of her teeth that visited that store today. While I was in there it was just me and three bubbas from Burleson. I walked up to the counter and told him I needed a replacement blade and I handed him the bad one so he could match the part. I was feeling pretty confident as he walked back to the parts room. He came back and began asking me questions that I didn't know the answer to...but I pretended I knew what I was talking about....they went something like this....

"What is this blade from?"

(me) "It's an edger"

"Do you know what kind?"

(me) "It's one that you push...it runs on gas"

"No, do you know what brand?"

(me) "....uhh...I think it is Briggs and Stratton"

"No, it should be like Toro or Craftsman"

(me)....no....I really don't know....

"Does it have an engine that.....(garbledygook).." (I couldn't understand what he said)

(me...smiling)...."I don't know....I just know this is the blade I need"

"I'll go check in the back one more time....."

(me....cracking up thinking he must think I am a complete idiot)

"Do you remember if it had two prongy things on each end?"

(me) "Maybe...I don't know...it's been 3 years since we bought it"

"Well, I think this one will work...."

(me...seeing the difference in the length of the blade)...."Is this one too long or is mine just worn down?"

"Oh yes ma'am your blade is just worn down...I've seen ones that looked like a nub before....it's the right size"

(me) "Ok, so this one should work...I guess I can bring it back if it doesn't work (thinking I am not paying 30.00 for a blade that looks too long and then be stuck with it)"

"sure...just bring it in and we'll find the right one"

He rings it up and it cost me $3.14. WHO KNEW? Who knew you could buy a brand new blade for your gas edger for less than the price of a happy meal.......???

I walked out of there smiling....thinking to myself 1). I just bought a blade for an edger...how funny is that? 2). 3.14 what a bargain....and 3). I can't believe I just walked into a mower and motor supply store on my lunch hour...and bought a part for a piece of lawn equipment as if it was a normal thing for me to do....

I am not sure when it happened...but somewhere along the way things that used to feel so awkward and weird have now become just part of my normal every day life...and I am even able to find some humor in them now....I think that is progress.....and, I figured that Brian would never in a million years believe that I would do what I just did.....which is what had me grinning under my breath for the rest of the day....(and still tonight I think it is hilarious)...

By the way....when I got home...I put the new part on and guess what? It's the right one and it works!!! How about that?


I still can't get over the fact that it was only $3.14!

A first....

Tonight as I was getting the kids ready for bed I heard Lexi calling from her bedroom for me to come in there....I went in there and she was in her own bed.....ready for me to say prayers with her.....she has been sleeping in my bed since Brian died...she has had a few nights in her own bed but only after I guilted her into trying it....this time it was her idea....maybe she thinks that now that she is a first grader she needs to sleep in her room.....maybe? Maybe not....we'll see if she makes a return visit to my bed tomorrow night.....

If this sticks, I think it will be a milestone worth noting....if not, we'll just chalk it up to "the night before the first day of school" giddyness.....

I have a king size bed so I hardly notice that she is there....it hasn't been a real problem....but it would be nice, I guess, if I had my room all to myself....maybe.....then I could make up my bed when I first got up....instead of waiting until she is up....

Oh well...we shall see....

A Prayer for my kids...

My prayer for my kids this year at school is this....

God help my kids to be confident in themselves and what they believe. Help them to be compassionate to others....respectful to their teachers....and driven to do their best work and give their best effort.

Give them enough challenges to stretch them......give them enough success to provide the confidence necessary to get back up when failure comes....give them enough little failures to learn valuable lessons that will help prevent the really big failures in life...

Help me and their teachers to see their strengths and find ways to celebrate those strengths.....help us also to see their weaknesses and find ways to overcome them...

Protect them from harmful influences....help them learn to discern good and evil....and then give them courage to avoid evil....

Be with their teachers....their influence is great....bless them for their efforts...help me as a parent to support my children's teachers...

Give me wisdom in knowing how to best parent my kids....thank you for the gift that they are...amen

What if....

What if God is orchestrating every event of my life? What if he willingly allowed/directed the accident to happen that took Brian's life? What if someday I look back on the event and appreciate the purpose that it served?

Or......


What if 30 years from now I am still as clueless about it as I am now? In other words, what if it remains a mystery? What if the perspective that I have still doesn't provide meaning and purpose to why it happened?

Seems like either way it goes it doesn't erase the element of struggle that I have with my faith. If I say He "caused" it to happen for a greater good then that goes against what I have allowed myself to believe...in light of the loss...I don't want to believe that God "caused" this....that just can't be....at least from my perspective now I see nothing good about my three kids growing up with out their father....nothing good at all....you can't tell me that they won't be negatively impacted by his life being cut short.....they will be impacted....I am doing all I can to minimize the impact and maximize his influence....but there is only so much I can do.....

So....then....if He isn't all that involved and doesn't "orchestrate" everything....then what kind of God is He? What should I expect from Him and how He works? Am I, in fact, responsible for how my life turns out....should I be more "proactive" about rebuilding the kind of life that I believe God would want me to have? Or, do I just "wait and see"....

I seem to be hung up on the issue of how involved God is in our life......there is a lot riding on it for me....

What do I really think and believe? Gosh....I don't know....I really, truly do not know.....I know that I can look back on my life and trace God's hand in every event of my life...the good, the bad and the ugly.....but I also know that I made decisions a lot differently than I do now. I tended to "spiritualize" every decision.....I believed that God told me where to go to college....that God told me to marry Brian....that God told me to move to Florida....that God told me to go to Seminary....etc....etc....but what if He didn't tell me all those things.....maybe I just believed that He did....and because I was earnestly trying to follow Him He continued to bless and open doors for me to fulfill the calling I felt He had on my life...

Maybe I am just over-analyzing it.....but it would sure help me if I could understand the degree of involvment God has in our lives.....Yes, I know that he knows the number of hairs on my head....but, so what? Knowledge I am not debating......I believe He knows all.....I just don't know what exactly He does with that knowledge.....

God is God......I am not........

I don't question God's character....or His presence....or His redemptive power....or His unfailing love....or His abillity to achieve His purposes through every event of our lives....but I do question exactly how he does that.....and what part of this journey is dependent mostly on me and what part is completely beyond my control......

This post seems a little odd....I think it all boils down to the fact that I am beginning to wonder if there will come a time when I am actually grateful that this happened....not saying I will ever say it is a "good" thing.....but, I could actually see now the possibility (although remote) of that happening.....and, no, I am not talking about some knight in shining armor rescuing me and the kids (that's my dad's answer to all my issues).....I am not talking about some fairytale happy ending (although I could be convinced to participate in a happy ending)....I am talking about a point in time where I realize that God's purpose for my life could only be achieved as a result of going through this element of struggle....it is possible that my life will count for something entirely different than if I had never been through the loss of my 35 year old husband....and maybe...just maybe....I am not completely convinced yet....I will have the opportunity to be more of an influence and make more of an impact than if I had stayed happily married to Brian and blissfully unaware of the pain and sorrow that came far too soon and far too sudden.....and if that is possible...then it may mean that God is extremely involved in my life.....and I just need to trust Him with the chapters I haven't read yet.....I know the ending will be good.....and for that I am grateful....

Telling Conversation

I was talking with a widow the other day. I was doing my best to encourage and support her. I am thankful when I have those opportunities. However, she told me about a conversation someone in her church had with her that has continued to rumble around in my head. Basically, a lady told her that she must have done something pretty bad in order for God to take away her husband. I think she prefaced it with "you know the Lord gives and the Lord takes away"....obviously, the lady I was talking with was incredibly hurt by the comment. I just shook my head....but, deep down, I have wondered if people thought that about me too. I know it is stupid to wonder that, but I do.

It bothered me for several reasons. One is that I guess there is still something small in the back of my head that wonders if I did something to deserve this.....maybe it is punishment....another reason is that I struggle knowing just exactly how involved God is in our life....there is a part of me that wants to believe that he orchestrates every event of my life (that is the way I grew up)...But there is a much larger part of me that has come to think that maybe He isn't as involved as I thought....and that fits what has happened in my life a little better.....because...how else do I make sense of the fact that my husband is gone....if God cared about every detail, surely He would have kept the accident from happening....

I really don't think I am being punished....it just doesn't fit....we had a good marriage....not a perfect marriage, but a darn good marriage....the kind of marriage that I hope my kids someday experience.... However, what if I am changing my theology so it will fit my experience? Isn't that a little dangerous? Is that what I have been doing? Rethinking my faith and trying to squeeze it into my life experience....something to think about.....either my faith has deepend or I have changed it so it will fit.....I hope it has deepened.....but I am not completely confident of that....in light of the fact that maybe I have just rearranged my thinking so that it will all make sense....

Truth is, I 'd like to punch the person in the gut who made such an insensitive comment (which, by the way, I have never in my life hit anyone... besides one of my siblings...so that is a little over the top for me).....but, I also know that someday she will understand....someday she will realize that death happens.....to everyone.....including her and her family......until then, I guess she serves a purpose in causing me to really think about my faith......and I guess that is always a good thing. I will continue to let it rumble and see where it leads me....

Here we go again...

School is about to start....we had meet the teacher night tonight.....the kids are excited...and maybe a little nervous....

The worst part for me is filling out all those forms that ask for the "parents" name....there are blanks for the mother's name and blanks for the father's name as well as occupation, phone number, email address, etc. So, I had to leave several blanks for all the info they wanted on my kids father. Ouch. I don't know if that will ever quit being a little bit painful.....I just hate it.....hate it....hate it.....hate it....

I don't want to sound whiney, but it does hurt....it doesn't knock me over like it did the first year....but it still smarts a little...

Last year I sent emails to the kids teachers just "touching base" with them and letting them know our home situation. I had to do that tonight because Nathan has a new teacher....I hate informing teachers about it.....but, I do think it is important for them to know...just so they will understand my kids a little better....not so they will treat them any different....

So...I guess this is just how it will be....need to get used to it....I just hate it.....

On the upside....I think my kids are doing really well....and I have full confidence that they will continue to do well....I think they are more comfortable with who we are as a family....I don't think it bothers them near as much as it does me....I mean, they still miss him and would do anything to have him back.....but, they seem unphased by most things.....probably has something to do with their egocentrism....as long as their needs are being met, all is well.....

So, here we go again....back to school....woohoo....

Questioning Someone's Faith

I was talking yesterday with a visitor at our church who had a preschooler in our area. She and her husband and two children had just moved here to go to seminary. She was friendly enough....I enjoyed answering her questions and trying to make her feel at home. She then started down this "yellow brick road of faith" talking about how they had moved here and God had showed them the "exact" house they were to live in....it was the last one they looked at....she described it as though God reached down from the sky and pointed to it so they would be sure to know it was "the right one"....something inside of me just struggled with the way she was describing every decision they had made....she made it seem as though they had God on speed-dial and He was there just waiting to give them whatever they asked. I found myself tuning her out a little....thinking to myself "o.k. don't want to burst your bubble, but I think you may be over estimating God's involvment in your life"....

Where did THAT come from? Since when do I raise a skeptical eyebrow when someone describes their relationship with God as though she was the only one God had to worry about.....what does that say about me, about my faith? Am I becoming hardened to other people's expression of their faith? I don't want to....I want to be as wide-eyed as the next person about my faith....but I'm not....

Why is that? I feel like I am growing spiritually....I am more dependent on God than I have ever been in my life....I have felt His presence more clearly in the past two years than at any other time in my life....

Yet..I am probably more skeptical of some people's faith than I have ever been....and, I don't really think God is all that involved in orchestrating every event of our life....I believe He gives us direction....He gives us wisdom....He gives us Godly counsel to seek out....but, does he really care about every single little detail and decision of our life? Does He care whether I wear white socks or no socks? Does he care if I buy a new dishwasher or fix the old one? Should I be looking for a sign from him to tell me what I should do? Or, do I use what knowledge, wisdom and resources He has given me and make the best decision I can....

I don't know....it's just hard for me to believe that He micro-manages everything....and part of that comes from losing Brian....because, surely, if He were a micro-manager He would have told Brian not to be on that road that day....or He would have told me to tell Brian not to go to work that day....or something....I sometimes feel like people who super-spiritualize everything probably look at me and think "whoah, sad for you...you must have missed God's will for your life or something"....

I think it is dangerous for me to be questioning other people's faith....but, at the same time, I just can't reconcile their faith with what has happened to me and what that must mean about the God I serve....

random thoughts...very random.....

Interesting Quote

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change things yourself".....Andy Warhol

I don't know a whole lot about Andy Warhol, but I think he's got it right......

I have been told by a lot of people that time will heal a lot of wounds....or "to just give it time (grief) and you will be able to see the good"....maybe....maybe not...

I think Andy Warhol has a more realistic picture.....for me anyways....yes, time will help....but, mostly, time will just provide the opportunity for me to continue to grow forward....to change the things that I can about myself and about my circumstances....but most of the responsibility is on my shoulders....and I am ok with that...

I've wondered how much responsibility I have in allowing God to "work all things together for good for those who love the Lord"....I mean... would he still be able to bring good if all I did was wallow in my grief? Maybe? I suppose he could....maybe people would be so glad that they weren't me that they would appreciate their life and that would be good, right? But...I tend to believe that God can bring more good if I do my part....if I continue to "grow forward"....if I take the "time" that He has given me and use it in a way that hopefully honors Him....

Just thought it was an interesting quote that I ran across...

The Joys of Home Ownership

Everything is back to normal around the house. My kids are all home. The chaos is managed for now and all three of them are fast asleep. My paper is written...turned in...and I am in a holding pattern until I hear whether I have been accepted. My time seems so loose right now...no paper to write or worry about....nothing pressing on the horizon.

My house, on the other hand....seems to be going through one of those "maintenance phases"....you know, where everything tries to fall apart at the same time. Currently, I have a demon possessed garage door opener, a broken ice-maker, a newly fixed sprinkler system (yeah me...that got fixed today), a dishwasher that sounds like a cow giving birth, a microwave that randomly sparks, and an air conditioner in my car that likes to mysteriously (although today it didn't) shut off at the most inopportune times. I am thinking several thousand dollars to fix all those things....but, most of it is not all that pressing...I have been washing dishes by hand for a couple of months now....because, I know that it would be better to replace it than to fix it....and if I replace it then I have to decide if I am going to stick with white appliances or go with something else....and then if I go with something else, then the other appliances won't match...yadiyayaya...

Same thing with my sheets on the bed. I still have flannel sheets on my bed and they are not the coolest things to be sleeping on when the temperatures are as high as they have been.....my cotton sheets have holes in them....and I'd like to change all of my bedding....but, similar to the dishwasher problem....once you start, where do you end....ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching....and so I sleep on flannel sheets.

Mostly, I am just terrible at making decisions about "stuff"....I'd rather "use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without" than to have to go "shop" for things other than running shoes or jogging suits (I am certain that we will wear some type of comfortable athletic attire in heaven)....I tend to get somewhat overwhelmed by all the choices and by the domino effect one purchase tends to have on my pocketbook...

I wish Brian were here to take care of some of this stuff....he'd certainly put the dishwasher out of its misery and the garage door opener would get fixed sooner rather than later....he was quite the handy-man...I never had to worry about home or auto maintenance stuff....but he's not here....I miss that...I miss HIM....

I did, however, learn how to program my sprinkler system yesterday.....wow...it is pretty amazing what all you can do....I learned about the 10 stations that my system has...how to set the amount of time for each of them...how to turn off one station that isn't functioning properly....truly, it is incredible what all you can do....who knew?

Now, if I could just get that exorcism done on my garage door opener....ahhh, the joys of home ownership....

Why I love being a parent....

The kids came home today from their grandparents. I was ready to see them....really ready.

I decided to mow the lawn tonight...my mom is still here and I knew I could get it done without worrying about Braden burning the house down. I am out there mowing away....sweat dripping off of me....and Braden is screaming at me from the porch...."MOM!!!....MOM!!!..." I can barely hear him over the lawn mower....I don't answer him because I am hoping my mom will see what he needs so I can keep mowing....nope...he keeps screaming "MOM....MOM...MOOOOMMM!!!" I am now a little disgusted wondering what in the world is so important....I scream back at him over the mower...."WHHHAT..What do you NEED?" He screams back at me "MOOOMMM...I LOVE YOU MOM".....big smile...."I Love you TOO!!!"....and that... is why I love being a parent.....

And then....I take a shower to get rid of the buckets of sweat that had accumulated on me....and as I am getting out....there he is....and then he goes into litany of questions about how girls and boys are different....I tried to use all the appropriate words (cause that's what all the "experts" say to do..ha) ....so we had a little discussion about various body parts....and he makes some comments that make you just want to crack up....a four year old has a very interesting perspective about male and female body parts....

At bedtime we had a discussion about potty training....he wanted to know when I was potty trained and who potty trained me....he also wanted to know where he was when I was little.....uh, yeah....try explaining that to a four year old...."you weren't born yet" just didn't work...."no, I mean, where WAS I THEN?" Uh, you weren't born yet...no, mom "WHERE was I THEN?"

AHHH...Life is somewhat back to normal....and I was reminded tonight that I really do love being a parent....most of the time anyways....especially after a week without them....

Grief Returns

For some reason, when my kids are gone I tend to struggle a little emotionally. I am extremely grateful for some "me" time but it also serves as a harsh reminder that it is just me now. For example, when Brian was alive and the kids would go to grandma's we'd have a great time as a couple. We'd go out to dinner...go to the movies...do some project around the house...etc. Last night I went out to eat alone. There was just one other older couple in the hamburger place I chose. She was using a walker and he was getting frustrated with his cell phone. They were a cute old couple....and I thought to myself that will never be me. Brian and I were going to grow old together...take care of each other....but, I was reminded last night that it is just me now....and so I struggle emotionally...

Or I start thinking about him and I replay things over in my head....and I go down memory lane....and it hurts.

Grief seems to return when my kids are gone....and maybe that is ok....maybe it is just part of the process...

The kids return tomorrow...and maybe the sadness will be gone for a while and be replaced with the love of my three kids....

Sometimes, though, when grief returns it makes me wonder if I have really made all that much progress....makes me feel like I am going backwards....but, I am pretty sure that isn't true....it would be nice if I could "get over" this....I am tired of the grief returning.....I have given it plenty of time and attention and focus and tears....can't it just go away?

We're All In This Together

I continue to be amazed at how connections with people can be such a blessing in our lives. I am blessed to have people in my life who love me, encourage me, support me, and inspire me. We are, afterall, all in this together.

Today I had a very short conversation with one of the people in my life who inspire me. She provided just the right nudge to affirm me in what I am pursuing in my life. She has walked the same road I am walking and she inspires me with hope. The conversation was about me going back to school. I admitted to her that I really didn't know if I could do it....I didn't know if I could be the kind of mom and employee I want to be and still be able to go to school. She told me that she had wished she had gone back to school and that I would never know unless I tried....she encouraged me to try it...to stick my toes in the water and see how it feels....wow, did I ever need to hear that....from someone who has experienced almost exactly what I am experiencing....

Thanks God....I needed to hear her say that today....

Just try it....that's all....takes a lot of pressure off when I think about it that way....

Reality Check

I finished my paper to be turned in with my PhD application on Monday. I am not completely happy with the quality of it. It has been ten years since I wrote a paper and I know it probably shows. I guess it has been a sort of reality check for me today as I was trying to finish it up. I realized how much I have to learn and how long of a journey it will be. I can't quite put my finger on why it is bothering me so much tonight. I don't know if it is that I am having second thoughts or just normal doubts that go along with starting something new. I know that I can work hard and pull myself up to the expected level....at least I have a history of always being able to do well in school. I just seem to be questioning myself a lot about it.

There has also been somewhat of a reality check in the sense that my kids are gone for several days and it is just me...alone with my thoughts....in many ways it is so WONDERFUL....to have quiet...to have some "me" time....but, I am also reminded that I am really alone....and that someday I will be even more alone....and that makes me sad...and quiet...and a little down....

Sorting through the doubts...the loneliness....and trying to get a clear picture of myself is not a lot of fun....I suppose that part of it is normal, healthy fear....fear of the unknown...fear of failure....and fear of making the wrong decisions.....

I am just trying to take it one step at a time...and that has worked well for me....but now, it feels like the steps are a whole lot riskier....and I hope I don't lose my footing....

Gaining Perspective

As I was driving alone in the car today back from a quick trip to drop the kids in Oklahoma, it occurred to me that a lot of what I have been doing through the grieving process is trying to gain perspective on my life and what it is supposed to look like now. In those first few hours and days I was desparately searching for perspective. I couldn't begin to process the "why" of this or the "how" of what rebuilding my life might look like. But, slowly, my perspective was enlarged and meaning began to develop.

I am not suggesting that perspective makes everything ok....what I am suggesting is that it was impossible to have a clear perspective the first year of living life without Brian. Everything was too chaotic and my mind was too distracted by all the changes and the intense emotions I was experiencing. I look back now and wonder how I kept my job or how we even functioned as a family because of how consumed I was with my grief and the emotions it brought with it.

I still play over in mind the day that he died....I continue to remember new things about it...or people tell me something they remember about it....like, someone told me that they remembered being at my house right after I got home to tell the kids and one of them was hungry and so I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for them while there were a houseful of women scurrying around trying to be helpful. This person thought it was interesting that just five minutes after I told my children that their daddy died I was in the kitchen fixing them a sandwich.....weird? Maybe, I guess, but what else was I supposed to do? Guess it goes to show that kids are pretty egocentric and when they are hungry, they are hungry, even if their whole world was just rocked....

So I still replay it....and it still brings emotion when I think about it....and when new details are filled in it is always interesting to see what other people remember....yet, it doesn't hurt like it used to....it's more of a given...a fact of my life....I was married....my husband was killed...I am now a single mom....and this is my life.....

But, what does that have to do with perspective? I don't really know except to say that I am beginning to be ok with how my life is going to turn out....I think I am going to end up being a different person than if I had gone through life without this loss....I think that the "different" Shelly is actually a "better" Shelly....not "Better" in the sense of patting myself on the back, but better in the sense that there has been some significant change....change that has given me a different perspective on life....what if I were able to compare who I became if Brian was still alive versus who I became as a result of his death? At this point, from this perspective, I have to say that I am pushing myself more now that he is gone than before....that I am being stretched more....that my perspective is different, and perhaps a better perspective than before...so does that make it ok that he died? No, but it makes it ok that I am still living....it creates a quiet confidence that God really does work all things together for good....and that part of grieving is separating myself from what I lost and embracing the life I now have....

And, if I were to allow Brian to speak to me right now....no, I don't believe he does literally speak to me (although there are lots of people who swear to me that their dead spouse gives them signs...I don't buy that)....but if I were to think about what he would say to me, given who he was and what he wanted for me and the kids I think he would say this: Shelly, your life is now about you and the kids....I am confident that my memory will always be alive in the hearts of Nathan, Lexi and Braden.....what I want for you is to embrace the life you now have and make the most out of it....you have my blessing and my support....please, don't make the rest of your life about me....make the rest of your life count....and allow God to give you His perspective....I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either....sure, we had our ups and downs, but as a whole, our marriage was a blessing and there is no need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove to anyone (including my parents) how much you loved me....I know how much you loved me.....that's all that matters....so go and live and love our kids and be open to the future that lies ahead.....

If the grief process is about separating ourselves from what was lost, then I think that is well underway....not separation for separation sake, but separation so that the new life can become what it was meant to be.....and part of allowing myself to separate from Brian is the ability to gain perspective....the ability to carry his memory with me in a way that is healthy and manageable....

Maybe it's kind of like this.....in the beginning, the grief that I carried with me every day was such a burden that it could be compared to carrying about 15 large bags through an airport.....the bags were big and bulky and it was exhausting to try to carry them.....but, slowly, one by one, I was able to unpack a bag and leave it somewhere until I was down to one carry-on bag that fit comfortably over my shoulder.....the bags that I unpacked were things like: sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, theolgoical questions, anger, confusion, shattered dreams, and the only bag that I have left now is the one that contains the memories that I carry of him and the lessons he taught me about life and love....and that bag will continue to be a "carry-on" for possibly the rest of my life. I need to keep it close so that I will be reminded often of his love and of the love he had for his kids...my kids need to see me unpack it once in a while to remind them of what an incredible father they had.....but I will never go back to carrying the 15 bags again....I just can't....and it isn't necessary or healthy....

Gaining perspective...pretty powerful stuff....

Blah...blah...blah...

Today was just one of those blah days.....I am sitting here reflecting on the day and all I can come up with is blah...blah....blah....church was too busy and too crazy...my kids were a little off today.....I am struggling with determining what direction some of the programs I am in charge of need to go....I just can't get a clear picture of where they need to be headed....and the lack of direction and vision is making me feel extremely blah about it all...

I suppose this is one of those transition points in my job....a time when change needs to happen but it isn't exactly clear yet what the specific steps of change need to be. I could use some handwriting on the wall....because I am stumped by this one....

I don't enjoy indecisiveness....I like to know where the programs I am in charge of are headed....and the limbo stage is just not working for me...

I need God's wisdom and God's direction....and God's conviction and a little courage to go with that....and, well, I just need a whole lot of God and less of me....

Write Shelly, Write

Ok, just had to take a break....I am on page 18 of my paper...still 7 pages to go....write Shelly, write....

Interesting conversations worth noting:

Braden (who is now four, he was two when Brian died) has started talking A LOT about his daddy....it's like the floodgates have opened up lately...it may stop as soon as it started, but it is rather interesting to watch.....the thing he keeps repeating over and over and over is this...."daddy loved me a whole, whole lot"....and "daddy built us a safe house to live in because he loves us"....and "when I grow up I want to be a daddy".....I don't know why he has opened up so much lately, I suppose that I am probably talking less about Brian than before.....just interesting....

Braden said to me the other day, "mommy, girls don't die do they?" I said "yes they do, we all die but it will be a long, long, long time before mommy dies". I know, I can't guarantee that but the odds are that it is true....and he doesn't need a lenghty disclaimer before every statement I make, now does he?

Braden, Lexi and Nathan had a long discussion about heaven the other night. They all determined that their daddy would run to them and hug them and hold on to them so tight he might choke them and then he would kiss mommy...and that he probably ran to Brewster and great pawpaw and hugged them too when he saw them in heaven... I just listened to the conversation as we were driving. It was interesting to listen to it unfold....wish I had an audio recording of it...I couldn't help but smile as I was listening....gosh it feels good to be able to hear that kind of stuff and smile and not fall apart like I used to....yes, it still sucks that they have to live without their daddy, but the pain is not anywhere near where it was during the first year or two....


Guess that is all for now....back to writing the real paper....but this was a nice diversion....

Rumblings in my head...

There are times when I post something and then it continues to rumble in my head until I figure out "why" it is still rumbling. One of the things that I have been trying to flesh out is the way I said how I was wanting to rebuild my life. The phrase "daring to dream my life could be better than before" has nagged at me all week. I went back and edited it to say "building a life that is different and more useful"...but it still has been rumbling.

What do I really mean by that? I meant to communicate that I was beginning to realize that it was ok and desireable to want to have a life that is different and maybe even more fulfilling than the life I had with Brian. "Bigger and "better" just wasn't exactly what I was trying to communicate....like this was going to be some kind of "trade up".

I was comparing it with the building that Brian rebuilt after the fire. When I really think about it, it would have been foolish for him to try to build the "exact" same building as was there before. Instead, he tried to tailor it to what his needs were and to what the market would appreciate when trying to sell it someday. Ok, so that is probably more what I was meaning. It would be foolish (and futile) for me to try to rebuild or keep the exact same life that we had before....first of all, that would be impossible because Brian is no longer here. But, more importantly, it would be wise to take a look at what our needs are, what our strengths are, what our resources are, etc. and try to rebuild something that utilized all of those to their fullest potential.

That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get out of the box of my old life and build something more useful and more fulfilling based on what I have to work with....and that may look a little different than the life I had with Brian....and I think that is ok....and it has taken me two years to really be ok with that....because it is so hard to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to try to build something that was both different and good....and that has been a big hurdle to get over....I have struggled with thinking that a "different" life meant our "old" life wasn't good....it's twisted widow thinking....but it has been a hard one to work through....


There, that feels much better....let the rumblings stop....