Positive Post

Since my post last night was whiney I will provide a positive post tonight.

Here are some things I can be thankful for:

1. Nathan just finished his C.S. Lewis project. He did 95% of the project by himself. Granted it doesn't look "perfect" like his other projects have tended to look...but he did it himself....and he is very proud of it.

2. It's official. I made a 4.0 the first semester of my doctoral work. The grades were posted and it feels good.

3. Nathan got "commended" on both his reading and math TAKS scores. Good for him!

4. I received the insurance check today to pay for the roof on my commercial building.

5. Braden turns "5" next week! Woohoo!!!

6. I slept like a rock last night. I am feeling better this evening.

7. I am thankful for all that God has provided and continues to provide for me and the kids.

Warning: A Whiney Post

I don't feel good. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm tired which makes me grumpy. There is no one to take care of me when I am sick. It sucks. My kids aren't mature enough to know what to do when I am not feeling well. I know that if I can get some sleep tonight everything will be much better in the morning.

I had a weird experience on Tuesday. I had a meeting with a man who was the director of a large Christian charity organization. I was there to share a proposal for funding a summer outreach event. It went well. He approved the funds for the program. But, he asked too many personal questions and made some inappropriate comments. I am trying not to be offended. I don't usually wear my feelings on my shoulder. But, I don't know if I would ever want to visit with him again.

Midway through our meeting he stopped the discussion and said he wanted to know about me. He asked several personal questions including whether I was married. I said "no, I'm widowed". He kept going. Kept asking questions. Wanted to know if I was prejudice. I had no clue what he was talking about. Then he said it bluntly, "would you date a black man?" I said "no and you are making me uncomfortable." I laughed a nervous laugh hoping he would quit. But he didn't....He went on to tell me that he was a "matchmaker of sorts" and that the guy he was thinking of wasn't black anyways. He said he'd matched about 12 couples and none of them had been "slip knots"....??? Bizarre. Weird. Then he tells me about a 38 year old man who is his best friend who has been divorced twice and has 4 children. I kept trying to change the subject. He went on for about 15 minutes. He even asked me if I had dated since Brian's death and if I had talked to my kids about dating men.

I felt like I was put under a microscope and because he was in charge of disbursing funds I guess I felt I had to be a captive audience.

The more I think about it....the odder it seems that he would say some of the things that he said to me after only meeting me for the first time that day.....

I guess I wonder if this is normal behavior for a widow to have to deal with....I have the most random people ask me strange questions that people I know well don't even ask me....what is up with that?

And, after writing this post, I think I have decided I won't go to his office again unless someone else comes with me. I didn't feel unsafe or anything....just a little violated I guess....who does he think he is?

So...a whiney post...I can have one of those every once in a while can't I?

I promise to be more positive tomorrow.

A chance to feel "alone"....

This weekend has been pretty laid back and uneventful. I have been able to get a lot of things done but we have also had some significant downtime. Mostly I like the downtime but I also have realized that "relaxing" requires quite a bit of intentional effort on my part. I have a hard time sitting still or taking a nap. There is always too much that needs to be done and my mental "to do" list is never all done.

This evening I put a blanket out of the front lawn and read a book. Braden cuddled up to me a couple of times and we had some interesting conversations. He told me stories about some of the kids in his class but assured me that he didn't say those things or do those things...yeah right....but it was cute because he began to preface everything with "I don't do this but....." or "I don't says this but so and so says......"

We laid down and looked up at the trees as they swayed in the wind. I can get lost in the trees...I couldn't help but notice tonight that one of the most important features of a tree is its ability to be flexible when the wind comes. The strength of the tree comes from its deep root system and its ability to withstand whatever nature brings its way. Hmmmmm....flexibility...the ability to bend and adjust....a life lesson there perhaps.

I suppose that this weekend also gave me a chance to feel "alone". I found myself wishing I had someone to share life with....someone to plan the next home improvement project with...someone to work in the flower beds with.....just the simple, every day kind of stuff......

I still wish things had been different....I still wish Brian were here to share my life with......however, it's not him I wished for this weekend....and that is a strange shift in thinking for me.

I just wished I weren't alone.....I can't have my old life back....and I recognize now that the only life for me is the life I have now and in the future....

I'm not lonely.....I have my children to love and they keep me inspired.....but I do feel alone....and I hope and pray that there will be chapter somewhere down the road that gives me a chance to feel loved instead of just alone....and for that, I would be eternally grateful.

Learning to work together as a family....

I've been doing some reading lately in preparation for my term paper for next fall on "entitlement and children". Needless to say, I am trying to make some adjustments in my parenting style. First and foremost, I have realized that the greatest lessons my kids learn are usually the ones that come out of a struggle or a painful experience. I have done them no favors by trying to make things "easy" on them. I am not suggesting that my goal in life is to now make my kids lives as difficult as I can make it. I am just more aware now that I need to let them "struggle" sometimes.

I have also been more inclined to really emphasize our need to learn to work together as a family. Today was a good example of our family working together. We accomplished an incredible amount of work today and each child played a part in different tasks that we accomplished. Braden helped pick up the clippings from where I trimmed all the shrubs and bushes in the front yard. Lexi helped rake the stuff up so he could put it in the trash can. Nathan helped me clean out the garage this evening and did a fine job. Lexi folded several loads of clothes for me and Nathan helped with that as well. I am thankful that they are now old enough to begin taking on some responsibility around the house. Oh yeah, we also cleaned out each of their rooms...their closets, under their bed, their clothes drawers....we did a DEEP clean and they helped.

It felt good to have their help today. We celebrated our hard work by going out for pizza at a new pizza place in town. I tried to brag on them and let them know how cool it is when we all work together.

As my dad would say....there's a new sheriff in town....and the kids seem to be adjusting to it just fine....and I know I feel better about the way we are functioning as a family.....


Learning to work together as a family....for that I am grateful....and a little tired from a long, hard day.

Tough lessons

It's been a tough couple of days. I have struggled to keep my focus clear. I realized that I really don't trust God as much as I thought I did. I allowed a circumstance in my life to completely derail me. I regret that. It involved a business issue and it caught me totally off guard. It's not worth the words to be typed to describe the details (things have worked out fine but there was some significant drama). However, it is worth noting that I realized there are some insufficiencies in my faith. As long as things are going well my faith is great...throw in an unexpected bump and I allow myself to get completely whacked out. When will I be mature enough to trust God....completely, with full confidence? I'm not there yet...not even close.

Today, Nathan and I learned a hard lesson. He was to go to a water safety field trip today. He didn't get to go because we turned in the form one day late. I felt horrible about it. He was upset as well. My first reaction was anger, then embarrassment, then pity for Nathan.

As a parent, I was embarrassed that I had not turned in the form on time. I remember seeing the form last week and just not taking the time to sign it. I realized on Friday afternoon that we hadn't turned it in and I asked Nathan if we needed to run it up to the school so that it would be in on time. He assured me that it would be ok to turn it in on Monday....so we did.

Today, the teacher told him that he (along with 6 other kids) would not be going because they didn't turn it in on time. Ouch. He had brought his swimsuit and towel fully expecting to get to go today.

Tough lesson. Hard for me to learn too.

Nathan and I talked about it at great length after school. And, while it was a painful blow to both of us, I think we learned a valuable lesson in responsibility. Nathan got to feel uncomfortable about his lack of responsibility. I feel certain that this teacher reminded them over and over again about the importance of this permission form. I got to feel uncomfortable about my inability to sign it so he could turn it in on time. I was distracted last week by other things going on in my life. I should have paid more attention to the deadline. As a result, I don't think it will ever happen again. I truly believe that the lesson was painful enough to leave a lasting impression.

I think that is a good thing. I emailed the teacher and apologized for not getting it in on time. I also thanked her for giving us the opportunity to learn from this. By keeping her word and following through with her requests and deadlines she actually did us a favor. I would venture to say that this lesson will be more important in life than learning about water safety.

Parenting is tough. It's humbling. It's challenging.

But, it's also rewarding.....and my prayer is that Nathan will always choose to learn from his mistakes.....and that I will be willing to allow him to make mistakes and suffer the consequences.

My life is never boring!

Last night I spent some time in the Emergency Room with Nathan. He was playing at a friends house when he got a fishing lure stuck in his thumb. Ouch!!!! My neighbor two doors up is a doctor so we called him and he sent us to ER. Something about a "pain block" being necessary when they pulled it out (yes, numbing is a very good thing). So, at midnight, off we went.

I've been in the emergency room with Nathan (he broke his arm) just one other time since Brian died. It was a hard experience. I missed Brian and his presence. Last night, it just seemed normal for me to be there alone. We handled things just fine. My parents were here so they stayed home with the other two kids.

I made a big decision yesterday to "reassign" my building manager. I now have a new guy taking care of the building in Granbury and the old one has the sole responsibility of depositing the check and paying the bills. I am pretty sure this will be a good long-term solution. My tenants are going to be much happier and I believe the building will be better taken care of. He also has much more expertise in dealing with building issues. It was a hard decision but my dad and I both felt it was the right thing to do.

I also had a new garage door opener put in yesterday. The technician tried to be funny as he was explaining how I could manually lock and override the remote controls. He used the example if me and my husband got in a fight and I wanted to lock him out....he kept going on and on so I finally said, "well, I don't think that will be a problem. My husband died three years ago."....I felt and showed no emotion.....I just wanted him to shut up....and he did.....I didn't feel bad or embarrassed for myself or him....again, it just seemed normal....how does that happen? Not sure, but it seems I am able to handle situations like that much better than I used to could.

I am sure there could be something coming around the corner that may derail all my progress....but, for now, it sure feels like we are moving full speed ahead. The fog of grief has lifted and I am able to make better decisions and plans.

For that....I am very, very, very grateful.

Thankful

I'm thankful for many things right now.

I'm thankful that my first semester of doctoral work is over.

I'm thankful for the results and for the success I had this semester.

I'm thankful that my two older kids are doing well in school. I had parent/teacher/child conferences this week and both of their teachers gave them glowing reports.

I'm thankful for Braden who gives me more kisses and hugs than I can take sometimes. He brings so much laughter and love to our family....and he looks just like his daddy....his smile reminds me of Brian, and he smiles CONSTANTLY....he's one of the happiest kids I know.

I'm thankful that, for now, we won't be adding a Saturday night service to our weekly schedule. This was one of my biggest concerns and greatest fears.....the impact on my family would have been huge.

I'm thankful that the insurance company agreed to fix my roof in Granbury at their expense. This is truly a huge blessing that will benefit the building for many, many years.

I'm thankful for the scholarship I received from the Datatel Corporation to help pay for my tuition next year. I still wonder exactly how that happened.

I'm thankful for the time that has passed since Brian's death. I am thankful and proud that I have been able to muddle through so many difficult emotions and issues. I truly believe the worst is over and the best is yet to come.

I'm thankful that I see God working in my life. I see purpose evolving in my life. I am excited about the possibilities that are before me.

I'm thankful that I have finally made some progress with my commercial tenants. This is a huge relief.

I'm thankful for a God who understands the process of grief and is patient with us as we struggle through it.

I'm thankful for my children. They provide the inspiration and hope in my life.

I'm thankful for the lessons I have learned and the growth that has occurred. I still have many more lessons to learn and much more growth is necessary....but I know I have made some progress.

For all these things.....and many, many more...I am grateful.


Oh yeah, one more thing, I am thankful for garage door repairmen who know how to fix demon possessed garage doors.....woohoo!

Something that struck me....

I have begun to realize that much of what I am dealing with right now is a cognitive struggle. The emotions still come to the surface on occasion, but most of what I struggle with centers around how I "think" about my life and my God.

I can honestly say that the "why" question was one that I always knew I would never find an answer to. I knew from the very beginning that I would never understand "why" Brian's death happened. I have spent very little time and emotion trying to answer that million dollar question.

I have spent most of my energy lately on trying to understand "how" God works. I have allowed myself to be paralyzed spiritually by my inability to come to a point where I can be at peace cognitively. I have tried changing the way I "think" about God. I have made Him more distant in order to attempt to resolve the conflict between a God who is involved in every detail of our lives versus a God who is somewhat uninvolved. As a result, my view of God became distorted.

I have become more aware of the big picture of this struggle only recently.

Here is where my thoughts are starting to come to a sense of peace.....

Instead of focusing on "how" God works or doesn't work, I need to focus on understanding "who" God is. When I allow myself to focus on "who" God is then the "how" becomes less important. So, "who" is God? I can find answers to that question in God's word. God is loving, redemptive, faithful, just, merciful, all-knowing, ever-present, a comforter, my Saviour, and the list could go on and on. I can trust and understand "who" God is. He has made Himself known. "Who" He is is not a mystery..."how" He works is...and always will be....

And....when I focus on "who" He is, the "how" becomes much less important....God is trustworthy....God is faithful....."how" He does that is the mystery.....

I think I have found a beginning point for find some cognitive relief.....we'll see where this takes me...

A glimpse inside his heart...

Today I had a three way conference with Nathan, his teacher and myself. We do this three times a year and this was the last one for the year. The kids have been learning about biographies and one assignment was to write an autobiographical poem. Nathan wrote one that gave me a glimpse inside his heart. Nathan keeps his emotions and thoughts mostly to himself. It is rare when I feel like he has shared something with me that is personal and emotional.

I've asked the teacher for a copy of the poem but the gist of what I remembered was this:

Nathan
Son of Brian and Shelly M
Lover of his family

(forgot some of the content in the middle)

Is excited when he is with his whole family.
Fears his family or friends being hurt.
Wants to see joy and love in other people....

(can't remember the rest)


Intereseting poem. I was proud that he listed being the son of Brian and Shelly. He has tended to not want to draw attention to his loss. I also was reminded how much he does love his family.....and then, that he fears his family or friends getting hurt....understandable....the important thing, though, is that he shared that he was afraid of that....

We talked about the poem tonight when I tucked him in. I thanked him for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me in the form of a poem. I told him I was proud of him opening up just a little.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I am crazy....but, this is progress when he voluntarily writes about what he loves and fears....this was personal for him.....and for him, that is hard.

Made a small (big to me) change today...

I had a few extra minutes before I had to be somewhere today and I decided to go to the bank and take Brian's name off my checks. I hadn't planned to do that. It just felt like a good time to do it. As I was telling the lady what I wanted to do I had some sadness because it felt like I was erasing him out of my life. I know that is irrational, but that's the way it felt for just a few minutes. He's not coming back. He won't be needing to write checks on my account....but for some reason it has taken almost three years to do that.

It's done. I feel ok about it. Just kind of a weird thing to do on my day off.

Life is moving forward....and so am I.

Not sure what God is doing....

So, I have been trying to pray more deliberately about the personal stuff. I have had several situations where I was confused about how to pray. Here is one example: I found out last week that I was going to need some roof repair on my building in Granbury. It was going to be costly. I found myself wondering how to pray. Do I pray that there is hail damage so the insurance will pay for it? It seems a little silly because either there "is" or there "isn't". It's not like God is going to make a roof be hail damaged if it isn't.

So, I decided that it would be good to pray for a "fair" adjustor. I didn't ask for a miracle or a change in the roof structure, just a fair adjustor. The adjustor came out on Tuesday. He took pictures and showed them to me and indicated that most likely it was a materials defect and not hail damage. However, he said that he would like to come out again and look at the roof when it wasn't wet. Apparently, roofs look different when they are dry. (It's important to note that I felt very comfortable with this adjustor. He did not seem to be blowing smoke or trying to wiggle out of a claim. I really felt like he was taking it seriously and trying to be fair...an answer to prayer so it seems)

So, yesterday he calls and asks to meet my roofer guy and building manager there at 9:00am today. I got everyone there (I didn't go so that I wouldn't miss any more work). I again wondered how do I pray? I can't pray that the adjustor lies about it just to cover it for me. I can't pray that it magically appear to be hail damage. So, I just say to God: "God, I know that you have many ways to provide for this issue. I am just asking that you provide for this need however you see fit. Help the adjustor to be fair and open to what he sees. I trust that you have all kinds of resources and I can't ask for anything other than a fair decision from the insurance company."

My phone rings at 9:40am and it is my roofer and he says "Derek (insurance adjustor) has agreed to pay for it". I about dropped the phone. I asked him a lot of questions and he tells me that there was a little bit of hail damage but that most of the issues are probably material defects. But, because there was some damage he agreed to pay for it.

I have not received the official document saying they are going to pay for it or how much they are going to pay....so I am cautiously optimistic.

However, I am so grateful for the way this need is being met. I am shocked because yesterday Derek indicated it was a slim to none chance that it would be covered.

So, what is God doing here? Maybe He was in these details of my life??? If it hadn't turned out this way would I have come to the conclusion that He wasn't in the details? I was really trying not to connect how God works with how this situation was playing out.

This is where it gets sticky for me. I want to give God credit for things that are blessings. Yet, when I do that it makes the hard things more difficult to understand and connect to a cause.

The truth is....I don't know whether God did this for me or not...I don't know if God had something to do with the scholarship I received last week or if that was just a nice benefit for making good grades.....I don't know if my grades this semester are a direct affirmation that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing or if they were just the result of hard work.....I want to believe that God has been in all of this.....and mostly I do....but, if He is in all these details where was He on June 16, 2005?

I can't seem to reconcile this in my brain...which affects how I pray and what I pray....

Regardless, I am overwhelmed right now with the way several things have played out to my favor.

And....on top of that.....my tenant told me I had done an excellent job the past few months working through some of these drainage issues....my jaw dropped to the floor when those compliments came....It was really strange because I kept waiting for the slap in the face that usually occurs every time I visit the building...but it never came....our relationship has really improved and I can't quite get used to the way I am now being treated by them....I think maybe I have earned a little bit of their respect and trust....just a little bit....it's still a fragile relationship but we have come a long ways...

I don't know what God is doing.....I know I am trying to do my part....and it appears that God is doing way more than His part....and for that I am grateful.

Out of Balance

One of the great struggles for me is to stay balanced. For some reason it is easier to be out of balance than to find the healthy tension in life. I realized yesterday that my view of God has become unbalanced.

Prior to Brian's death I viewed God very differently. I tended to link everything that happened in my life to God or God's will for my life. Most generally, it worked for me. If good things happened, I could find a way to take credit for it and point it back to God. If bad things happened, I could usually see where I had made a mistake or been foolish. It was almost as if I operated as though I had God wrapped around my finger and His blessing and guidance was always obvious to me. I tended to think that GOd was involved in every detail of my life. If I had a difficult test and I prayed for God to honor the hard work I had put into it then when I did well I credited it to Him helping me. I sought God in every detail of my life.

Since Brian's death I have struggled to know how involved God is in our every day life. As a result of the need to figure out why this happened I came to the conclusion that God isn't really in the details of my life. If He was, surely He would have stopped the wreck from happening. I didn't want to let go of my faith in God so I just allowed my thoughts to change about who God is and how He works.

The result, though, has been a distancing of my relationship with God. I have not sought Him as earnestly as I used to because if He isn't all that into the details then why does it matter?

Yet, I can honestly say that I have experienced God in the most powerful way over the past 2 (almost 3) years. There are no doubts about the big things of my faith. I know that God has been faithful to me and that it is God who has provided the healing I have experienced and continue to experience.

But, my relationship has suffered as of late because I have gotten out of balance in my thinking in regards to God.

I feel stuck in that I can't reconcile who God really is and HOW he really works....but I know that I need to move back towards the center on some things.

I believe some of my struggle is a "trust" issue. It's really hard to "trust" when the rug was jerked out from under you. It's been "safer" to distance myself a little bit from God. I have still prayed, read the Bible, and tried to live in a way that honored God. However, letting God into the details of my life has almost become nonexistent. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think that is going to work long-term. I've got to find some common ground.

I am working on allowing God back into the details of my life....I am working on opening myself back up to Him and trusting Him with EVERYTHING....

It feels pretty good to be working on it....but also a little scary and unnerving....

But, I am committed to finding a healthier balance....I need to be close to God again....I want to open myself back up to Him.....

The ups and downs of life...

Yesterday was a crazy day. I spent the first half of my day in Granbury talking with a contractor. We think we found our issue but it turns out to be a pretty big deal....one that could be very costly. I have some leaks in my roof and we aren't sure if those leaks are the result of storm damage or defects in the roof. I had to call my insurance company and the adjustor will be coming out to look at it next week. It will be at minimum 10,000.00 to fix the roof. It is a metal roof and those aren't cheap to fix. I am praying that the adjustor will find storm damage and that they will pay for it to be fixed. If not, there goes more money down that drain......arghhhh!

On my way back from Granbury I discovered that I may own the mineral rights on the residential rental property I have in Burleson. I ended up having to go the Courthouse in Cleburne to research it. I didn't have any luck there....it is very tedious and time consuming and really meant for the professionals. Regardless, there has been a landman knocking on my rental property door and so that probably means that I am the owner since they are trying to find me. So, I signed a contract yesterday to lease those rights...assuming that I have them which isn't 100% but seems pretty likely. If I do, then maybe that signing money will go to my new roof in Granbury....if I don't, then I still have a roof in Granbury to pay for.

When I got home I checked a website that was supposed to be posting the scholarship winners from a scholarship I had applied for. They had announced that they would be posted by May 5th, so I thought I would check and see if maybe they were already listed. Sure enough they had the winners posted and my name was on the list. My kids were home when I found out so we celebrated with hoops and hollers and high fives!! It was a national scholarship that was based on academic achievement and an essay that you had to write. They picked 50 winners nationwide for this particular scholarship. Obviously, I was hoping to get it but had no clue what kind of a shot I had at it. I am amazed that I won and thankful that God provides. It also provides me more affirmation that I am headed down the right road. So, my school next year is halfway paid for already.....woohoo!!

So, it was a crazy day.....but a good day.....for that I am grateful.....

And, I am praying real hard for a nice insurance adjustor.....never hurts!!