Out of Balance

One of the great struggles for me is to stay balanced. For some reason it is easier to be out of balance than to find the healthy tension in life. I realized yesterday that my view of God has become unbalanced.

Prior to Brian's death I viewed God very differently. I tended to link everything that happened in my life to God or God's will for my life. Most generally, it worked for me. If good things happened, I could find a way to take credit for it and point it back to God. If bad things happened, I could usually see where I had made a mistake or been foolish. It was almost as if I operated as though I had God wrapped around my finger and His blessing and guidance was always obvious to me. I tended to think that GOd was involved in every detail of my life. If I had a difficult test and I prayed for God to honor the hard work I had put into it then when I did well I credited it to Him helping me. I sought God in every detail of my life.

Since Brian's death I have struggled to know how involved God is in our every day life. As a result of the need to figure out why this happened I came to the conclusion that God isn't really in the details of my life. If He was, surely He would have stopped the wreck from happening. I didn't want to let go of my faith in God so I just allowed my thoughts to change about who God is and how He works.

The result, though, has been a distancing of my relationship with God. I have not sought Him as earnestly as I used to because if He isn't all that into the details then why does it matter?

Yet, I can honestly say that I have experienced God in the most powerful way over the past 2 (almost 3) years. There are no doubts about the big things of my faith. I know that God has been faithful to me and that it is God who has provided the healing I have experienced and continue to experience.

But, my relationship has suffered as of late because I have gotten out of balance in my thinking in regards to God.

I feel stuck in that I can't reconcile who God really is and HOW he really works....but I know that I need to move back towards the center on some things.

I believe some of my struggle is a "trust" issue. It's really hard to "trust" when the rug was jerked out from under you. It's been "safer" to distance myself a little bit from God. I have still prayed, read the Bible, and tried to live in a way that honored God. However, letting God into the details of my life has almost become nonexistent. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think that is going to work long-term. I've got to find some common ground.

I am working on allowing God back into the details of my life....I am working on opening myself back up to Him and trusting Him with EVERYTHING....

It feels pretty good to be working on it....but also a little scary and unnerving....

But, I am committed to finding a healthier balance....I need to be close to God again....I want to open myself back up to Him.....