Something that struck me....

I have begun to realize that much of what I am dealing with right now is a cognitive struggle. The emotions still come to the surface on occasion, but most of what I struggle with centers around how I "think" about my life and my God.

I can honestly say that the "why" question was one that I always knew I would never find an answer to. I knew from the very beginning that I would never understand "why" Brian's death happened. I have spent very little time and emotion trying to answer that million dollar question.

I have spent most of my energy lately on trying to understand "how" God works. I have allowed myself to be paralyzed spiritually by my inability to come to a point where I can be at peace cognitively. I have tried changing the way I "think" about God. I have made Him more distant in order to attempt to resolve the conflict between a God who is involved in every detail of our lives versus a God who is somewhat uninvolved. As a result, my view of God became distorted.

I have become more aware of the big picture of this struggle only recently.

Here is where my thoughts are starting to come to a sense of peace.....

Instead of focusing on "how" God works or doesn't work, I need to focus on understanding "who" God is. When I allow myself to focus on "who" God is then the "how" becomes less important. So, "who" is God? I can find answers to that question in God's word. God is loving, redemptive, faithful, just, merciful, all-knowing, ever-present, a comforter, my Saviour, and the list could go on and on. I can trust and understand "who" God is. He has made Himself known. "Who" He is is not a mystery..."how" He works is...and always will be....

And....when I focus on "who" He is, the "how" becomes much less important....God is trustworthy....God is faithful....."how" He does that is the mystery.....

I think I have found a beginning point for find some cognitive relief.....we'll see where this takes me...