A chance to feel "alone"....

This weekend has been pretty laid back and uneventful. I have been able to get a lot of things done but we have also had some significant downtime. Mostly I like the downtime but I also have realized that "relaxing" requires quite a bit of intentional effort on my part. I have a hard time sitting still or taking a nap. There is always too much that needs to be done and my mental "to do" list is never all done.

This evening I put a blanket out of the front lawn and read a book. Braden cuddled up to me a couple of times and we had some interesting conversations. He told me stories about some of the kids in his class but assured me that he didn't say those things or do those things...yeah right....but it was cute because he began to preface everything with "I don't do this but....." or "I don't says this but so and so says......"

We laid down and looked up at the trees as they swayed in the wind. I can get lost in the trees...I couldn't help but notice tonight that one of the most important features of a tree is its ability to be flexible when the wind comes. The strength of the tree comes from its deep root system and its ability to withstand whatever nature brings its way. Hmmmmm....flexibility...the ability to bend and adjust....a life lesson there perhaps.

I suppose that this weekend also gave me a chance to feel "alone". I found myself wishing I had someone to share life with....someone to plan the next home improvement project with...someone to work in the flower beds with.....just the simple, every day kind of stuff......

I still wish things had been different....I still wish Brian were here to share my life with......however, it's not him I wished for this weekend....and that is a strange shift in thinking for me.

I just wished I weren't alone.....I can't have my old life back....and I recognize now that the only life for me is the life I have now and in the future....

I'm not lonely.....I have my children to love and they keep me inspired.....but I do feel alone....and I hope and pray that there will be chapter somewhere down the road that gives me a chance to feel loved instead of just alone....and for that, I would be eternally grateful.