A new beginning is a gift. I realize that more and more in my own life. New beginnings allow us the opportunity to adjust our lives and prepare for new growth. New beginnings give us hope that we may continue to find our voice, our influence, and our giftedness in order to make our unique impact.
I believe 2008 is a new begining for me. I am ready for a new beginning, really ready. I am making adjustments in my life and in my home so that I can embrace and initiate changes in my life that will benefit me and my family.
I have spent the past couple of weeks reorganizing my home. I went through Brian's office today and made it my office. It was a very freeing and encouraging experience. I shredded so many documents and things that no longer have any relevance in my life. I was reminded of the stress and strain that accompanied Brian's death and the legal ramifications that were feared but never realized. I saw letters from attorneys, insurance companies, etc. and I was relieved that those issues are in the past and they have no power or control over my life.
My parents gave me a room makeover for my bedroom for Christmas. Again, it seems as though what used to be "ours" is now "mine"....and that feels ok.
I bought a new kitchen table this weekend. I had sold "ours" in a garage sale last fall. I had waited quite a while to replace it but last weekend it just felt like it was "time". I am making plans for a kitchen makeover this spring.
I think some of these changes are more about trying to create my own new beginning in my home....
The biggest new beginning came today when I had my first day of class as I began my residency as a PhD student. I am truly excited about this new opportunity to learn and grow professionally.
A new beginning is a gift....and I thank God for new beginnings.....
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
What a week....
It has been a banner week for our family. I am more encouraged about our family than I have been in a long time. Here's why:
**Report Cards came out and the kids did fantastic. I couldn't be prouder of them and the effort they have been putting into school.
**Nathan just finished his twentieth book off the Bluebonnet List. These were challenging books for him and he completed a very difficult goal. He is most excited because he will get a trophy for all his hard work. I am excited because he took on a task that required him to go above and beyond and he did it!
**Lexi received an award at her schools 9 week awards assembly. She has come a long way in her reading and her teacher recognized her effort. She was also formally tested this week on her reading and her teacher sent me an email saying "I am doing my endzone dance...Lexi just soared on her TPRI test...woohoo." Needless to say, I wrote her back and said "I'm doing my endzone dance too!!"
**I am helping coach Lexi's basketball team and it has been so much fun to watch her develop into an aggressive player. It's just such a joy to cheer her on. She's not the star of the team by any means, but she is having fun and is so engaged this year.
**Braden is Braden. But, he is getting so much better. He really is.
**I took the kids out to dinner Friday night to celebrate their good report cards. For the first time, I left the restaraunt feeling like I had enjoyed going out to eat with the kids. Usually, I feel like we are a three ring circus and wonder why I paid good money for the pleasure of entertaining others.
**I discovered the value of large, black trash bags. It is amazing what you can throw away....and the kids can't see through the bags to see what has been tossed.....I think I have about 7 large trash bags in the garage ready for the trash man on Monday.
It's difficult to know how my kids are really doing....but, there is some indication that they are continuing to thrive...and for that I am so grateful....
**Report Cards came out and the kids did fantastic. I couldn't be prouder of them and the effort they have been putting into school.
**Nathan just finished his twentieth book off the Bluebonnet List. These were challenging books for him and he completed a very difficult goal. He is most excited because he will get a trophy for all his hard work. I am excited because he took on a task that required him to go above and beyond and he did it!
**Lexi received an award at her schools 9 week awards assembly. She has come a long way in her reading and her teacher recognized her effort. She was also formally tested this week on her reading and her teacher sent me an email saying "I am doing my endzone dance...Lexi just soared on her TPRI test...woohoo." Needless to say, I wrote her back and said "I'm doing my endzone dance too!!"
**I am helping coach Lexi's basketball team and it has been so much fun to watch her develop into an aggressive player. It's just such a joy to cheer her on. She's not the star of the team by any means, but she is having fun and is so engaged this year.
**Braden is Braden. But, he is getting so much better. He really is.
**I took the kids out to dinner Friday night to celebrate their good report cards. For the first time, I left the restaraunt feeling like I had enjoyed going out to eat with the kids. Usually, I feel like we are a three ring circus and wonder why I paid good money for the pleasure of entertaining others.
**I discovered the value of large, black trash bags. It is amazing what you can throw away....and the kids can't see through the bags to see what has been tossed.....I think I have about 7 large trash bags in the garage ready for the trash man on Monday.
It's difficult to know how my kids are really doing....but, there is some indication that they are continuing to thrive...and for that I am so grateful....
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Rhythm is back...
We have our rhythm back. We are in our routine. The kids know what to expect. Things feel so much better than they did just a couple of weeks ago.
It's almost as if I have finally realized that "our family" is better when it is just "us". It actually feels good for it to be just "us". For several months after Brian died I had family here. For the past two and a half years my family has come to help about once a month. It is always nice to have the extra hands. But, I think I am to the point where it is also nice to just be "us"...I think that's progress....
Routine and rhythm are gooooood things...
For that I am grateful..
It's almost as if I have finally realized that "our family" is better when it is just "us". It actually feels good for it to be just "us". For several months after Brian died I had family here. For the past two and a half years my family has come to help about once a month. It is always nice to have the extra hands. But, I think I am to the point where it is also nice to just be "us"...I think that's progress....
Routine and rhythm are gooooood things...
For that I am grateful..
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What I learned today...
Sometimes it really helps to have someone to be a sounding board and interpret some of the conflicting feelings I am having. For me, that comes in the form of several of my friends or from my counselor that I still see on an occasional basis.
Today I had a chance to meet with my counselor. He helped me sift through several things that were nagging at me.
I told him about the opportunity I had before Christmas to give back some of the comfort I had been given to one of my child's former teachers. He helped me understand that for "such a time as that" God has equipped me to serve a unique purpose. It's a part of who I have become as a result of having a tragedy in my life...I am stronger than I was before...I can go into a crisis situation and not be intimidated by it because I have lived through it myself. It is in those moments where things seem to come full circle that I can be grateful for the opportunity and know that Brian's death mattered....it mattered that I have tried to grow and learn from it...this hasn't been in vain....and that is a really cool thing....It's not cool that other people have to go through difficult times....but it is cool that God can take who I have become and use it for His glory.
My parenting was also a significant part of our discussion. I am struggling right now about the sense of "entitlement" that my kids have displayed lately...I want them to be grateful and appreciative....but I realized today that I can't mandate gratitude...I can't force them to be grateful, but I can model it....and perhaps modeling gratitude is more effective than beating them over the head with it....it was also helpful to know that I am not the only one who worries about whether their kids appreciate the life that they have....my response is that I need to model gratitude more and preach at my kids less. I have some ideas about how I can do that.
One of the other issues that I needed direction on was about my experience at orientation the other night. I was questioning how well I was really doing if this one "introduction" caused me such anxiety and stress. I was reassured and encouraged to look at it as just a simple realization that I may need to rehearse some answers for potential questions when I am in new situations. I haven't really been in very many new situations and I had forgotten how helpful it can be to have a rehearsed answer for random questions. I remember having to come up with an answer to "how are you doing"? I knew no one really wanted to know (this was in the first months after Brian's death) so I had to figure out what the best way would be to answer some of the questions people were asking. It made a huge difference when I had a rehearsed answer....and so, I need to be more prepared, and I will be...I guarantee that!
Finally, I was still feeling bad about our family vacation. Most of it had to do with the fact that I realized on our vacation that I could never live with my parents again. It wouldn't be good for me or them. It's not that we had any knock-down drag-out fights...overall, we had a really good time, it was just too much time togehter. I let that bother me because my sister and brother both have recently lived with my parents and they seemed to be fine with it. However, I now know that if I ever did move back to Oklahoma I would have to have a place on my own....and in a way, that actually helped me realize that it is ok and probably even good that I have a life here in Texas. I guess it answered the nagging question that I sometimes have about whether I should just pack up and move to Oklahoma and be with my family. For now, my life is here and I am more than OK with that!!!! Actually, yes I could live with them if I had to...I would make it work. But, I think it is best that I don't ever do that.
All in all, we are doing just fine.....we still have our struggles but we have come sooo far, and for THAT I am GRATEFUL!
Today I had a chance to meet with my counselor. He helped me sift through several things that were nagging at me.
I told him about the opportunity I had before Christmas to give back some of the comfort I had been given to one of my child's former teachers. He helped me understand that for "such a time as that" God has equipped me to serve a unique purpose. It's a part of who I have become as a result of having a tragedy in my life...I am stronger than I was before...I can go into a crisis situation and not be intimidated by it because I have lived through it myself. It is in those moments where things seem to come full circle that I can be grateful for the opportunity and know that Brian's death mattered....it mattered that I have tried to grow and learn from it...this hasn't been in vain....and that is a really cool thing....It's not cool that other people have to go through difficult times....but it is cool that God can take who I have become and use it for His glory.
My parenting was also a significant part of our discussion. I am struggling right now about the sense of "entitlement" that my kids have displayed lately...I want them to be grateful and appreciative....but I realized today that I can't mandate gratitude...I can't force them to be grateful, but I can model it....and perhaps modeling gratitude is more effective than beating them over the head with it....it was also helpful to know that I am not the only one who worries about whether their kids appreciate the life that they have....my response is that I need to model gratitude more and preach at my kids less. I have some ideas about how I can do that.
One of the other issues that I needed direction on was about my experience at orientation the other night. I was questioning how well I was really doing if this one "introduction" caused me such anxiety and stress. I was reassured and encouraged to look at it as just a simple realization that I may need to rehearse some answers for potential questions when I am in new situations. I haven't really been in very many new situations and I had forgotten how helpful it can be to have a rehearsed answer for random questions. I remember having to come up with an answer to "how are you doing"? I knew no one really wanted to know (this was in the first months after Brian's death) so I had to figure out what the best way would be to answer some of the questions people were asking. It made a huge difference when I had a rehearsed answer....and so, I need to be more prepared, and I will be...I guarantee that!
Finally, I was still feeling bad about our family vacation. Most of it had to do with the fact that I realized on our vacation that I could never live with my parents again. It wouldn't be good for me or them. It's not that we had any knock-down drag-out fights...overall, we had a really good time, it was just too much time togehter. I let that bother me because my sister and brother both have recently lived with my parents and they seemed to be fine with it. However, I now know that if I ever did move back to Oklahoma I would have to have a place on my own....and in a way, that actually helped me realize that it is ok and probably even good that I have a life here in Texas. I guess it answered the nagging question that I sometimes have about whether I should just pack up and move to Oklahoma and be with my family. For now, my life is here and I am more than OK with that!!!! Actually, yes I could live with them if I had to...I would make it work. But, I think it is best that I don't ever do that.
All in all, we are doing just fine.....we still have our struggles but we have come sooo far, and for THAT I am GRATEFUL!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Drawing from the past...
I realized this week that one of the benefits of going through the earthly hell of losing Brian is that I had to learn how to take things one moment, one hour, one day, one decision at a time. And, when I look back at all that has been done since his death I realize that I have come a long way in the journey. However, it didn't happen all at once...it happened in little bits and pieces...
I can apply that to my life now. I need to take school one class, one paper, one semester at a time. There is no benefit in looking too far down the road and allowing anxiety to overwhelm me.
One thing that continues to puzzle me is why I still struggle with "confidence". In my mind I know that I have indeed been through an earthly hell. I had to deal with so much in that first year or so. I could write a book about all the difficult things that I had to do. You would think that having come out on the other side of most of that that I would be extremely confident and self-assured.
Not true. Instead, I find myself shaking in my boots when I have to acknowledge to a group who I am and the fact that I am an only parent to three children. For the first time since his death, I am in a situation where most people don't know me or the context of my life. It's scary. It's intimidating. I lost my confidence the other night. I actually kept telling myself "you have been through hell, what's the big deal about this". Still, it was hard. Still, I felt inadequate and insecure. Why?
I don't know the answer to my own question. I might have a couple of guesses, but really, I am not sure.
However, I do know that I can draw from the past and know that there is probably not much of anything in this world that is more difficult than having to tell your three children that their daddy died. Everything else should seem easy...or at least manageable....
I can apply that to my life now. I need to take school one class, one paper, one semester at a time. There is no benefit in looking too far down the road and allowing anxiety to overwhelm me.
One thing that continues to puzzle me is why I still struggle with "confidence". In my mind I know that I have indeed been through an earthly hell. I had to deal with so much in that first year or so. I could write a book about all the difficult things that I had to do. You would think that having come out on the other side of most of that that I would be extremely confident and self-assured.
Not true. Instead, I find myself shaking in my boots when I have to acknowledge to a group who I am and the fact that I am an only parent to three children. For the first time since his death, I am in a situation where most people don't know me or the context of my life. It's scary. It's intimidating. I lost my confidence the other night. I actually kept telling myself "you have been through hell, what's the big deal about this". Still, it was hard. Still, I felt inadequate and insecure. Why?
I don't know the answer to my own question. I might have a couple of guesses, but really, I am not sure.
However, I do know that I can draw from the past and know that there is probably not much of anything in this world that is more difficult than having to tell your three children that their daddy died. Everything else should seem easy...or at least manageable....
Monday, January 14, 2008
A Two Benadryl Night
It's a two Benadryl night....my head is swimming....Both excitement and Fear running deep into my thoughts...
One step, one seminar, one project, one paper at a time....I keep telling myself....I am overwhelmed and scared...and wondering if I have lost my mind.....
It frustrates me that I can be so at peace about my decision to start school....but also, simultaneously scared out of my whatever about whether or not I can do it....
I can't do it...it's a God sized task....I'll do my part...but I am dependent on God to get me through this...
Definitely a two Benadryl night....
Side note....I went to orientation tonight....everyone had to introduce themselves...tell about their family...marital status...etc......I was the last to go and I made it through my introduction with just a slight quiver in my throat. It's still HARD to introduce myself and include a statement about my widow status. Tonight, it wasn't something I could ignore, I was put in a difficult place and made it through it....I hate that........I wish it didn't still make my stomach get in knots...I wish I didn't still have to pray "please dear God let me get through this...please help me not cry"....I can talk about it all day long with people who know and love me....put me in a new situation and force me to talk about it and it still takes my breath away...and brings up so much emotion....why is that? It's not like I haven't tried really hard to work through it...it's not like it just happened yesterday....Why does it still have to be so hard? I definitely made progress and I think most people would say I handled it well....but they don't know the fight that was going on inside of me....the fight to keep my emotions under control....I HATE that...
One step, one seminar, one project, one paper at a time....I keep telling myself....I am overwhelmed and scared...and wondering if I have lost my mind.....
It frustrates me that I can be so at peace about my decision to start school....but also, simultaneously scared out of my whatever about whether or not I can do it....
I can't do it...it's a God sized task....I'll do my part...but I am dependent on God to get me through this...
Definitely a two Benadryl night....
Side note....I went to orientation tonight....everyone had to introduce themselves...tell about their family...marital status...etc......I was the last to go and I made it through my introduction with just a slight quiver in my throat. It's still HARD to introduce myself and include a statement about my widow status. Tonight, it wasn't something I could ignore, I was put in a difficult place and made it through it....I hate that........I wish it didn't still make my stomach get in knots...I wish I didn't still have to pray "please dear God let me get through this...please help me not cry"....I can talk about it all day long with people who know and love me....put me in a new situation and force me to talk about it and it still takes my breath away...and brings up so much emotion....why is that? It's not like I haven't tried really hard to work through it...it's not like it just happened yesterday....Why does it still have to be so hard? I definitely made progress and I think most people would say I handled it well....but they don't know the fight that was going on inside of me....the fight to keep my emotions under control....I HATE that...
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Nine years ago....
Nine years ago Brian and I welcomed our first born child into this world.
We were together....completely overwhelmed by the moment....an unbelieveably sacred moment....
Today...we're apart.....and that is just so wrong....so terribly wrong...
Tomorrow....I turn 38.....and I start a new endeavor....going back to school again....and he's not here to see it....
He always wanted me to go back to school....he was incredibly supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life....so, I know he'd be proud if he knew I was doing it....
But, I don't do things for him anymore....maybe it's more like "because of him" I do some of the things that I do.....early in this journey I think I tried to do things "for him"....things that I thought he wanted me to do....now, it's shifted away from that....although, his influence is still there, I am doing this for me and the kids....to hopefully provide a better future....but,more importantly, to obtain the education necessary to continue to grow towards whatever it is that God wants to do with my life....a life that will hopefully combine my life experiences, education and calling into a unique contribution for God's glory.
So, Happy Birthday to us....by the way, January birthdays really stink....they come soooo fast after the holidays....
We were together....completely overwhelmed by the moment....an unbelieveably sacred moment....
Today...we're apart.....and that is just so wrong....so terribly wrong...
Tomorrow....I turn 38.....and I start a new endeavor....going back to school again....and he's not here to see it....
He always wanted me to go back to school....he was incredibly supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life....so, I know he'd be proud if he knew I was doing it....
But, I don't do things for him anymore....maybe it's more like "because of him" I do some of the things that I do.....early in this journey I think I tried to do things "for him"....things that I thought he wanted me to do....now, it's shifted away from that....although, his influence is still there, I am doing this for me and the kids....to hopefully provide a better future....but,more importantly, to obtain the education necessary to continue to grow towards whatever it is that God wants to do with my life....a life that will hopefully combine my life experiences, education and calling into a unique contribution for God's glory.
So, Happy Birthday to us....by the way, January birthdays really stink....they come soooo fast after the holidays....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
De-Funking
It's been a better couple of days. I am wondering if all the holiday hoopla and a vacation to boot didn't set me up for the funk I was in. Now that we have our first week back home almost behind us things seem to be leveling out and getting back to normal.
Routines are essential to our family and when we are out of sync everyone suffers.
I was home with a sick child yesterday and I think that also helped me get an extra day at home to decompress.
I thrive on routine, stability, and security....when things feel out of control I have a hard time and everything seems much worse than it really is....
In reality, I have much to be thankful for....like....
*I no longer have to buckle any of my kids in their seatbelt, they do it themselves.
*All of my lightbulbs in my house are currently working.
*All of my Christmas decor is put away.
*All the laundry is currently done.
*I get to start school to work on my PhD next week...a lifelong goal of mine...
*My renter paid on time this month.
But more importantly than those things...
*The kids and I are healthy.
*I have a wonderful extended family who supports and loves me unconditionally.
*Brian left us with no heavy baggage to have to work through...we know we were loved.
*God has blessed me with a wonderful church family.
*We have some "refrigerator rights" friends to do life with.
*My kids are doing well in school and their behavioral issues are minimal by most standards.
*God is giving me some new dreams...and I am having fun thinking about them.
So, I consider myself officially "de-funked" for a while....
And for that, I am SOOOO grateful....(and so are my kids)
Routines are essential to our family and when we are out of sync everyone suffers.
I was home with a sick child yesterday and I think that also helped me get an extra day at home to decompress.
I thrive on routine, stability, and security....when things feel out of control I have a hard time and everything seems much worse than it really is....
In reality, I have much to be thankful for....like....
*I no longer have to buckle any of my kids in their seatbelt, they do it themselves.
*All of my lightbulbs in my house are currently working.
*All of my Christmas decor is put away.
*All the laundry is currently done.
*I get to start school to work on my PhD next week...a lifelong goal of mine...
*My renter paid on time this month.
But more importantly than those things...
*The kids and I are healthy.
*I have a wonderful extended family who supports and loves me unconditionally.
*Brian left us with no heavy baggage to have to work through...we know we were loved.
*God has blessed me with a wonderful church family.
*We have some "refrigerator rights" friends to do life with.
*My kids are doing well in school and their behavioral issues are minimal by most standards.
*God is giving me some new dreams...and I am having fun thinking about them.
So, I consider myself officially "de-funked" for a while....
And for that, I am SOOOO grateful....(and so are my kids)
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
In a Funk
I am frustrated that I can't seem to predict or prevent these funks I get in. Just a few weeks ago things were going so well and I was feeling better than I have felt in a long, long time. Today, I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it.
I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being an only parent for the rest of my foreseen life. It's hard, really hard. I want my kids to have every opportunity that any other child has and I don't want them to miss out on their childhood. I try so hard to keep all the plates spinning but lately I am just tired of the whole charade.
I will never give up and I will fight through this funk....but, I wish God would give me a little glimmer of hope to hold on to....it would be really nice to know that all this work is going to be worth it.....it would also be nice if I could avoid these down times....because it is during these times that I lose my confidence and question myself far too much....
It is also during these times that I wonder what I was smoking a few weeks earlier when I was feeling so good and so hopeful....which is real? The down times or the up times? (by the way, that's a joke...I have never smoked anything in my life....my allergies would go ballistic)
I think I have fallen into the trap of believing that my children are a direct reflection on me....so, when they are not at their best it makes me feel like a total failure....which is not always a healthy connection to make....and it doesn't help when I put them in situations that set them up to fail.....(like taking all three of them to the hair salon yesterday and expecting them to be good for two hours...I will never do that again....ever...never, ever...)
It's hard to know what to take responsibility for and how to make changes in my parenting that will be beneficial for them and me....I just want to get it right....for their sake...
I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being an only parent for the rest of my foreseen life. It's hard, really hard. I want my kids to have every opportunity that any other child has and I don't want them to miss out on their childhood. I try so hard to keep all the plates spinning but lately I am just tired of the whole charade.
I will never give up and I will fight through this funk....but, I wish God would give me a little glimmer of hope to hold on to....it would be really nice to know that all this work is going to be worth it.....it would also be nice if I could avoid these down times....because it is during these times that I lose my confidence and question myself far too much....
It is also during these times that I wonder what I was smoking a few weeks earlier when I was feeling so good and so hopeful....which is real? The down times or the up times? (by the way, that's a joke...I have never smoked anything in my life....my allergies would go ballistic)
I think I have fallen into the trap of believing that my children are a direct reflection on me....so, when they are not at their best it makes me feel like a total failure....which is not always a healthy connection to make....and it doesn't help when I put them in situations that set them up to fail.....(like taking all three of them to the hair salon yesterday and expecting them to be good for two hours...I will never do that again....ever...never, ever...)
It's hard to know what to take responsibility for and how to make changes in my parenting that will be beneficial for them and me....I just want to get it right....for their sake...
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Parenting.....
This past week my dad made a comment that has rolled around in my head for the past few days. It's not important specifically what he said. However, the insinuation was that maybe I was trying to do too much with my kids. He wasn't being critical, he was trying to encourage me because he knew I was frustrated with myself.
So, I have been questioning myself the past few days...almost to the point of losing my confidence in my parenting.
The truth is, I have no idea what the final outcome will be with my kids. I read a book the other day that said that there are very few examples of children who grow up in single parent homes who become "spiritual champions". "Spiritual champions" is a little bit of a nebulous term but the book was written by George Barna who is known to be a guru in Christian research. I respect George Barna and so I was caught off guard by his bold statement.
I don't think Barna's research is an indictment on my kids or my parenting, but it does give me something to think about.
I hope and pray that my kids will defy the "norm" for kids who grow up in a single parent home. But, there is no guarantee...and that scares me...and it causes me to be critical in my evaluation of my parenting....
So, I guess my kids are at a disadvantage....but, I've never minded being an "underdog"....and I have a lot of hope that maybe, just maybe, my kids will defy the odds....
So, I have been questioning myself the past few days...almost to the point of losing my confidence in my parenting.
The truth is, I have no idea what the final outcome will be with my kids. I read a book the other day that said that there are very few examples of children who grow up in single parent homes who become "spiritual champions". "Spiritual champions" is a little bit of a nebulous term but the book was written by George Barna who is known to be a guru in Christian research. I respect George Barna and so I was caught off guard by his bold statement.
I don't think Barna's research is an indictment on my kids or my parenting, but it does give me something to think about.
I hope and pray that my kids will defy the "norm" for kids who grow up in a single parent home. But, there is no guarantee...and that scares me...and it causes me to be critical in my evaluation of my parenting....
So, I guess my kids are at a disadvantage....but, I've never minded being an "underdog"....and I have a lot of hope that maybe, just maybe, my kids will defy the odds....
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Home
It's good to be home. It's good to be on our own turf. We were gone for thirteen days and there is nothing like coming home.
I struggled quite a bit on our trip. I took comments from my brother-in-law and mom too personal. I let their comments taint our interactions. I wish I was more mature than that.
I love my family. I adore my family. But, I grew weary of some of them and I am sure they grew weary of me.
On the way home last night my kids got a 35 minute lecture from me. For the first time, I pointed out to them the fact that I am one parent trying to do the work of two. They were ungrateful on the trip and seemed to have a hard time understanding that I couldn't be in two places at once doing two different things.
I don't know if I was too hard on them or if I should have kept my frustrations to myself...but it's too late now. They heard it from me....life without their daddy is extremely hard (but good still) and I can't always do it all by myself.
After I had said my peace we all apologized to each other and promised to each give 100% in our family. I don't know if it is going to help anything, but it felt ok to admit to them that I can't physically (especially on a ski vacation) do everything for them anymore....I told them I was done giving 150% and them giving about 20%....I told them I didn't mind giving 150% if they were giving 100% themselves (I don't expect them to give what an adult can give but they can take more responsibility than they are currently taking)...but when they aren't doing their part, it makes me angry and resentful..
Parenting is tough....I fail a lot....but, I love them and would do anything for them....hopefully, all the good and bad balance each other out...
I hope I didn't give them too much guilt....they seem to be fine today....
I struggled quite a bit on our trip. I took comments from my brother-in-law and mom too personal. I let their comments taint our interactions. I wish I was more mature than that.
I love my family. I adore my family. But, I grew weary of some of them and I am sure they grew weary of me.
On the way home last night my kids got a 35 minute lecture from me. For the first time, I pointed out to them the fact that I am one parent trying to do the work of two. They were ungrateful on the trip and seemed to have a hard time understanding that I couldn't be in two places at once doing two different things.
I don't know if I was too hard on them or if I should have kept my frustrations to myself...but it's too late now. They heard it from me....life without their daddy is extremely hard (but good still) and I can't always do it all by myself.
After I had said my peace we all apologized to each other and promised to each give 100% in our family. I don't know if it is going to help anything, but it felt ok to admit to them that I can't physically (especially on a ski vacation) do everything for them anymore....I told them I was done giving 150% and them giving about 20%....I told them I didn't mind giving 150% if they were giving 100% themselves (I don't expect them to give what an adult can give but they can take more responsibility than they are currently taking)...but when they aren't doing their part, it makes me angry and resentful..
Parenting is tough....I fail a lot....but, I love them and would do anything for them....hopefully, all the good and bad balance each other out...
I hope I didn't give them too much guilt....they seem to be fine today....
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
So You Had a Bad Day....
I hate bad days. It is usually during those bad days that I am reminded of how out of whack my priorities get.
Today we decided to give up a day of skiing to go on a snow-mobiling trip in the afternoon. I was excited about it and had high hopes for making some memories with the kids.
To make a long story short, our trip got cancelled at the last minute by the tour company.
I was ticked and it took several hours for me to process my anger about the whole situation.
And then....I was reminded how insignificant this inconvenience was in the grand scheme of life in this world.
A bad day for me....not being able to go snow-mobiling with my kids.....how pathetic....why do I let that kind of stuff rock my world?
I need to get a grip.....
When do I grow up enough to know when to be angry and when to just be grateful for the opportunities God gives us to enjoy His creation.....
I am frustrated with myself tonight....
Wishing I hadn't wasted several hours being angry and disappointed...
Today we decided to give up a day of skiing to go on a snow-mobiling trip in the afternoon. I was excited about it and had high hopes for making some memories with the kids.
To make a long story short, our trip got cancelled at the last minute by the tour company.
I was ticked and it took several hours for me to process my anger about the whole situation.
And then....I was reminded how insignificant this inconvenience was in the grand scheme of life in this world.
A bad day for me....not being able to go snow-mobiling with my kids.....how pathetic....why do I let that kind of stuff rock my world?
I need to get a grip.....
When do I grow up enough to know when to be angry and when to just be grateful for the opportunities God gives us to enjoy His creation.....
I am frustrated with myself tonight....
Wishing I hadn't wasted several hours being angry and disappointed...
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year 2008!
Happy New Year from Wolf Creek, Colorado!
I didn't make any New Years Resolutions. I am, however, trying to evaluate the things in my life that may need change or adjustment. If nothing else, I pray that in 2008 I will spend more time being "present-minded". I tend to be either looking back at the past or driving myself crazy trying to plan my future.
Realistically, it is important to learn from the past and plan for the future and I do want to continue doing that. I just don't want to be so obsessed with it all this year. I just want to enjoy my life and my kids and try to honor God in my work and family.
On our drive out here to Colorado I didn't look at the map one time. I was following my parents and sister and her family in the car ahead of me so I didn't really need a map. It wasn't until we got here that I realized I had left the map in the back of car and never consulted it.
Interesting. I am usually one to plot our way on trips....notating how far we have gone and have far we have to go....always referring to it at every new major town.
I guess subconsciously I trusted my dad to know where he was going....and I was comfortable following along....
Maybe that is how my faith needs to change a little this year. Sure, I need to know that I am headed in the right direction....but, I don't need to be obsessed with trying to measure the distance we've come or the distance we still need to go.....
I need to be comfortable following THE One I trust.....and He will continue to guide my life....and for that I am grateful....
Here's to a great 2008!
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