My Kids....Gotta Love Em!!!

Random Thoughts

First, let me apologize that my blog has become all about "me". I feel like it has become more of a journal for me than a thought provoking blog. It has been good for me but probably irrelevant to most others. For the time being, I think it is serving a purpose for me but probably not for others. Please be patient and I will eventually go back to more universal issues.

I am beginning the process of trying to flesh out thoughts related to my grief journey. This would include things I have questioned, learned or are still trying to figure out. Humor me a little with the following random thoughts.....

*There is more to my life than what I see now. There is more to this life than I will ever see.

*I can't base my faith only on what I can see, have seen or will see.

*I am trying to base my faith on who God says He is and who God has shown Himself to be.

*When what I see does not match who God says He is, then it is either a matter of perspective or timing.

*My past experiences with God are a good predicter of God's work in the present and the future. If I am completely honest, I have seen God use most every circumstance in my life to achieve His purposes. There are still some circumstances that His purposes have yet to be revealed. But, because I have seen Him do it before, I trust He will do it again.

*Healing does not mean that my emotions will someday be disconnected from my grief. Healing means that I am able to integrate the past into my present with hopes of a future that will include joy and contentment.

*Healing means I have a healthy view of my relationship with Brian. I am honest about our shortcomings and thankful for the many happy memories.

*Healing means I am learning strategies to compensate for the loss of Brian's presence in my life.
....like recognizing areas he balanced me out in and learning to try to move towards the middle on those issues
....like actively seeking ways to organize my life so that the stress of being an only parent does not harm the relationship I want to have with each of my children.
....etc, etc....

*God has shown Himself to be faithful to me and the kids in every area of our life.

*God has met every need that we have and provided excess in many areas of our lives.

*My goal is contentment, not happiness. When I find contentment, there will also be happiness....but there can be no happiness without contentment.

*I loved Brian with all my heart. He loved me and the kids with all his heart. Our marriage was not a mistake, it was a blessing. I will choose to always remember it that way and be thankful for the three beautiful children that God gave us.

*Brian and I did not do anything to cause this to happen. This is not punishment. This is not the consequence of sin in our life or our marriage. This was a consequence of being alive and living in a dangerous world. Brian made a split second mistake that caused an accident that ended his life. That is all.

*God is aware of my pain. He has comforted me in my pain. For that I am grateful.

*I do not want my life to be defined by this tragedy. Rather, I want my life to be redefined in a way that honors Brian, trusts God and moves forward to embrace the possibilities that lie ahead.

*Me and the kids are going to be more than just ok. Settling for a life of sadness and anger is not an option. We will have many joyous days ahead. I look forward to it.

*I believe there is more to be gained by letting go and reaching forward than by holding tight my grip on the past.



Nothing profound, just some random thoughts.....

A little more progress...

Thanksgiving was nice. Really, it was.

I enjoyed it.

My kids enjoyed it. (Check out the pic of Nathan...he is having a blast at Brian's parents)

We made some memories....started a new tradition.

We finished some business.

It was good.


Thank you God for your presence in our lives and for the way you are carrying us through.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blogging friends (all 2 of them???).

I am looking forward to spending time with my family and with Brian's family. I am certain there will be parts of this Thanskgiving that are easier than the last....and just as certain that there will be pangs of sadness as we continue to live life without Brian.

I am also hopeful that I will make the final decisions related to the headstone for the cemetery. This has been an extremely difficult decision to make. I was talking to another widow and she put into words what I was struggling with...."when you are picking out a headstone you want it to be as special as the person it represents....that is an extremely daunting task." Friday morning is the day that is scheduled for this task to be accomplished...I will be relieved to finalize it.

I am thankful for many things year....too numerous to post. However, I am most thankful for the family and friends that are in my life to love and support me and the kids. We are extremely blessed by those who love and care for us. Thank you.

Time does change a lot of things....

Life changes us. Time is the measuring stick that gives us markers for when those changes occur. Some changes are obvious and expected. For example, we anticipate the change of the seasons. We know that when we turn the pages of the calendar certain changes should be occurring. But, If we had no calendar we could still mark time based on the changes in the earth, the temperature, the foilage,etc.

But, it isn't the simple passing of time that changes us....it is the events that happen to us that change us. Some events cause very little change. Other events become the focal point of how we describe ourselves. Life before "x" or life after "x".

I find my life defined by two distinct time periods. Life before Brian died and life after Brian died. I am not sure that is a good thing. I think it is a necessary thing for me right now....I have to acknowledge the stark contrast between the two. But, do I really always want to think of my life in those terms?

I want life to continue to change me. But, most of all, I think I want there to come a point when the tragedy of losing Brian doesn't define my life. I want to eventually be able to look at my life and see more than just the "before Brian died" and the "after Brian died".

And, another thing....I want others to eventually quit defining me by the tragedy I have experienced. I don't like the identity I have...the looks of pity I sometimes get from people who feel sorry for me or my kids....I appreciate and need the support of people....but I long for the day when that isn't the measuring stick they see in my life to define how I have changed.

But....how in the world does that happen? I haven't a clue...but I think the fact that I want to move beyond this identity means a little bit of healing is occurring....time will change a lot of things....I believe it with all my heart....

Endure it or Embrace it?

At some level, I am beginning to realize that I think I want to make the choice to embrace life instead of just trying to endure life. This has been on my mind since Halloween when I had the BEST time just watching my kids trick or treat. Sounds pretty simple. Why was watching them trick or treat such a sacred moment for me? The best I can figure is that I am beginning to make that choice to embrace life...to embrace the holidays...to embrace and treasure the moments of pure joy.

Maybe it is like someone who has been on a trip to another country and when they get back they can't wait to enjoy all the familiar foods and activities they missed out on while they were gone. I feel like I lost a whole year or so of my life...not much appetite for anything...and it definitely felt like I was living in another world (not just another country). I am like the weary traveler returning home....cherishing every last bite of the familiar....of the things longed for.

I have no idea how the holidays are going to hit me this year. Last year they sucked. But, Halloween has given me hope that I am returning "home" emotionally....that I am going to embrace them and enjoy them in a way that I have never experienced before. Sure, there will be down times...times when I am sad....but, I am hopeful that embracing the holidays will be an achieveable goal for me...I'll keep you posted....

Riding the Rollercoasters of life

My seven year old son loves rollercoasters. As a matter of fact, he wants to be a rollercoaster designer when he grows up. Six Flags is his favorite place in the entire world. We go there far more often than I would go if it were up to me.

Me, I can't say I really love rollercoasters all that much. There are days when I am really up for a wild ride. But, mostly, I can't say that I ever crave a good rollercoaster ride.

However, since my son loves them, I force myself to ride them. The entire time I am riding it I am thinking to myself...."it is almost over...I can endure anything for 30 seconds....just hold on....close your eyes....ahhh...it is finally over". So, I guess you could say that I tolerate rollercoasters....

And my point to all this? Don't really have one except to say that I feel like I am "tolerating" the rollercoaster of life right now. I keep thinking to myself....now is not forever...it will get better soon...hang on for dear life...keep smiling...keep going...keep trying....you get the picture.

The rollercoaster of life that I am on is one filled with unpredictable emotions. Yesterday, I woke up mad. Ever have one of those days? I was impatient with my kids. I was frustrated with every task I tried to accomplish. I had a quick temper about everything. It was late afternoon before I realized that my anger and frustration was really just an odd way to express the sadness that I feel right now. I miss Brian. I miss our relationship. I miss the fun family times we used to have. I just miss him. Some days it doesn't hurt as much and I don't long for the past so much. But, yesterday, the view in the rearview mirror looked better than what was in the front seat with me.

By bedtime I felt like the worst mom. I put my youngest to bed and decided to do "family time" with my two older kids. The good news is that we had a really meaningful time of remembering "daddy". It was unplanned but the rollercoaster ended yesterday on a good note. So, yesterday, the range of emotions was broad...but I hung on...and we found another smooth spot...for now.

Interesting Conversation

My neighbor and I were standing outside last night watching our kids play on a big dirt pile up the street from us. There was a truck getting ready to leave and we were yelling at the kids to pay attention and watch out for the truck backing out. She turns to me and says "do you think that maybe somehow Brian is up there watching your kids and wanting you to know that the kids are going to be ok. They aren't going to get hit by the truck." I didn't really follow what she was saying. I had to have her clarify what she meant. She said, "well, I just think that Brian knows you all are going to be ok. He knows that Braden will graduate from high school and he even knows that he will get married someday." So, it was making a little more sense to me....sort of. I said, "well, I am not sure if I can go there or say that. I don't really know that God has this certain path for all of us. So much changes so quickly. And, I am not really sure that Brian really knows all of that or that he is so connected to us here on earth. Would that be heaven....to still see your loved ones...the good and bad of their life?"

Those kind of conversations are always interesting to me....we all have so many thoughts and beliefs related to God's plan, heaven, the afterlife, etc....I wonder how many of them are true...or do we just believe certain things because it helps us cope (makes us feel better)....

That conversation also draws me back to my questions about "God's plan"....I just don't know what I really believe or what is really true....it isn't something that paralyzes my faith or causes me to doubt God....rather, it reinforces the notion that God is God and I am not....I will never completely understand His ways...but I have experienced His love, comfort and peace....I guess that's enough for now....

Going from "we" to "me"

One of the difficult things about the grief process is the realization that there is no more "we". Life is becoming less and less about "us" and more and more about "me". It isn't an easy or desirable transition. I'd rather spend the rest of my life living as "we" than spend the rest of it trying to figure out "me". My grief counselor reminded me of this last time we met: "We spend a lot of time teaching people how to become "one flesh", to get "close", to become "one". What we don't teach people is how to "separate" or how to "redefine" themselves when a spouse dies."

Some of my young widow/widower friends describe this as the "amputation of the soul". Something that was once there is now gone....life is forever changed and we are forced to learn to cope with the loss much like an amputee copes with the loss of a physical limb.

I have to agree with my grief counselor and wonder why we aren't more prepared for this than we are. I mean, let's face it, all marriages have a 100% chance of ending. All marriages will end in either death (of a spouse) or divorce. There is no way getting around it (unless you are the spouse who dies first). All of us will be forced to go from "we" to "me".....but no one really tells us how to do that.

I have been working at it for almost 16 months and I think I have made some progress....but I know I still have so much more "stuff" to work through. It has only been recently that I have found myself talking about "me" instead of "we". I still want to say, "our house" or "our bedroom". It is a hard habit to break.

The trivial stuff....the possessions...those really don't matter...but when I start thinking about how to make decisions that will affect the rest of "my" lfe and "my" kids life...that is when it becomes extremely difficult.

Horizontal or Vertical...Perspective matters

Perspective. Isn't that one of the key elements of being human that limits our understanding of God? We have mostly a horizontal perspective. God has a vertical perspective. We see only what is right in front of our horizon. The analogy I came up with is this: I love the mountains. I adore the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Have you ever been on one of those windy roads up to the top of the mountain? It seems like you are almost going in circles. But, every once in a while, you get a clear view behind you or in front of you. When that happens, you are able to see where you have been or where you are going. You are able to appreciate the path it takes to get to where you are going because you can now see how it got you to where you are. So, maybe our perspective is like that winding road. Every once in a while we get a clear view of where we have been or where we are going. But, for the most part, we can't see anything but trees and rocks and the road that is just in front of us.

For me, personally, I am in the middle of a bunch of rocks and trees on a relentlessly winding road. Maybe, just maybe, if I keep plodding ahead I will catch a glimpse that goes beyond my horizon. I know enough about God and have experienced His grace enough to know that there is a beautiful mountaintop experience somewhere ahead...give me patience and perserverance to keep driving.

Connect the Dots Theology

For the first three and a half decades of my life I think I had this "connect the dots" theology about my life and God's plan for my life. In other words, I thought God had this grand "connect the dots" plan for my life and all I had to do was make sure I understood where the next dot was. That theology came from passages like Jeremiah 29:11 where it seems to indicate that God has a plan for us...a good plan...plans to give us a hope and a future. Well, that worked pretty well for me until now. I have struggled and agonized over "God's plan" for my life. I would say that I have even been "obsessed" with trying to figure out His plan. All of this struggle was, of course, brought on and exacerbated by the death of my husband. Prior to his death, it seemed as though I understood God and I understood the direction our lives were heading. Life was pretty predictable and God made sense to me...

Fast forward to today....after 15 months worth of thinking, analyzing, searching....I no longer believe in a "connect the dots" theology. I look at Scriptures and find very few passages that talk about a specific plan for each of us...a connect the dot picture....the majority of references that talk about a "plan" are pointing out the uselessness of man and his plans. Instead, they usually focus on "God's purposes" instead of "God's plan". I also didn't find any passages where Jesus talks about a "plan" for each of us (feel free to point out passages that you find).

My conclusion: I need to focus less on figuring out God' s plan for my life and more on God's purposes being accomplished in my life. I am not saying that God doesn't have a plan. I believe he did or does (insert prior to the fall type notions versus the sinful world) have a plan. However, it is not something I could comprehend. I liken it to the internet. If I could have a discussion with the inventor of the internet and I were to ask him "How does the internet work?" I think he would look at me and know that there was no way I could understand the complexities of the millions of lines of code that it took to create the internet. So, I don't think he would even attempt to answer that question. Instead, I think he would focus on the purposes and benefits of the internet. Same thing with God. Yes, there are millions of lines of code...yes, God does understand them and know them for each one of us. Nope, I can't understand it. So, instead God tells me to focus on His purposes. He tells me trust Him, not understand Him. That's where I am at....trusting...not understanding...and I am ok with that...for now.

Transformation

The word "transformation" describes all that has been going on with me over the past 15 months. My life is being "transformed" into something I never asked for nor did I ever want. However, this "transformation" continues to force me to discover things about God that I never knew or cared to try to understand.

I am a 36 year old mother of three children. I am also a widow. My husband died in an accident in June 2005. I never expected to do life this way, with this identity, with this element of struggle.

Grief has a transformational component to it that I will never completely understand or be able to put into words. In many ways I am completely lost. I can't seem to get my bearings and find direction for my life. I get overwhelmed with the "why" and the "how" and the "what next". I am completely clueless as to how God will use my life to accomplish his purposes.

However, inasmuch as I am sometimes completely lost...there are also times of complete clarity. I see remnants of my old life and my old self but there is a transformation going on within me that manifests itself in this new identity that is emerging. The times of clarity come when God reveals Himself to me in ways that could only be understood and appreciated from my current vantage point. God has shown Himself to be faithful to my family in ways that are indescribable. I am only just beginning to realize how complex and multi-dimensional God is...and how ridiculously simple (and self-absorbed) my faith continues to be.