Life changes us. Time is the measuring stick that gives us markers for when those changes occur. Some changes are obvious and expected. For example, we anticipate the change of the seasons. We know that when we turn the pages of the calendar certain changes should be occurring. But, If we had no calendar we could still mark time based on the changes in the earth, the temperature, the foilage,etc.
But, it isn't the simple passing of time that changes us....it is the events that happen to us that change us. Some events cause very little change. Other events become the focal point of how we describe ourselves. Life before "x" or life after "x".
I find my life defined by two distinct time periods. Life before Brian died and life after Brian died. I am not sure that is a good thing. I think it is a necessary thing for me right now....I have to acknowledge the stark contrast between the two. But, do I really always want to think of my life in those terms?
I want life to continue to change me. But, most of all, I think I want there to come a point when the tragedy of losing Brian doesn't define my life. I want to eventually be able to look at my life and see more than just the "before Brian died" and the "after Brian died".
And, another thing....I want others to eventually quit defining me by the tragedy I have experienced. I don't like the identity I have...the looks of pity I sometimes get from people who feel sorry for me or my kids....I appreciate and need the support of people....but I long for the day when that isn't the measuring stick they see in my life to define how I have changed.
But....how in the world does that happen? I haven't a clue...but I think the fact that I want to move beyond this identity means a little bit of healing is occurring....time will change a lot of things....I believe it with all my heart....
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Yes, time does change a lot of things. I agree with you in that I think you are experiencing a little bit of healing. Just the fact that you are able to sit and have the conversations with me that you do, is evidence of healing. I don't think there will be some large crash and it all come falling down. From what I can tell everything that you are saying, feeling, and living out, is true, it's who you are now. Could that change, sure it could. Time does change things. As far as defining your life before Brian died and after Brian died...I don't know how you don't do that either but just the fact that you mentioned that one day you wouldn't want to do that anymore shows healing.
Other people "defining you by the tragedy you have experienced" is something that will come with time. The more people that get to know you now will not have that experience to define you. They will just know you as you now are. For everyone else, I think that is just a mindset and something that will no longer be a "measuring stick" given a little time and some 'reprogramming' of people's thought processes.
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