The word "transformation" describes all that has been going on with me over the past 15 months. My life is being "transformed" into something I never asked for nor did I ever want. However, this "transformation" continues to force me to discover things about God that I never knew or cared to try to understand.
I am a 36 year old mother of three children. I am also a widow. My husband died in an accident in June 2005. I never expected to do life this way, with this identity, with this element of struggle.
Grief has a transformational component to it that I will never completely understand or be able to put into words. In many ways I am completely lost. I can't seem to get my bearings and find direction for my life. I get overwhelmed with the "why" and the "how" and the "what next". I am completely clueless as to how God will use my life to accomplish his purposes.
However, inasmuch as I am sometimes completely lost...there are also times of complete clarity. I see remnants of my old life and my old self but there is a transformation going on within me that manifests itself in this new identity that is emerging. The times of clarity come when God reveals Himself to me in ways that could only be understood and appreciated from my current vantage point. God has shown Himself to be faithful to my family in ways that are indescribable. I am only just beginning to realize how complex and multi-dimensional God is...and how ridiculously simple (and self-absorbed) my faith continues to be.
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Transformation...that's one of those $10 words. It's not a big word, just something that means a great deal. God is most definetly complex and multi-dimensional which would makes me wonder why I try so dang hard to figure Him out. Your faith is defintely not simple. I equate simple faith with sunny theology and trust me, you're not there. Which, by the way, is a good thing. I guess maybe in comparing our faith to how big God is, it would look simple. Yet I suppose that's where God's grace steps in.
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