My seven year old son loves rollercoasters. As a matter of fact, he wants to be a rollercoaster designer when he grows up. Six Flags is his favorite place in the entire world. We go there far more often than I would go if it were up to me.
Me, I can't say I really love rollercoasters all that much. There are days when I am really up for a wild ride. But, mostly, I can't say that I ever crave a good rollercoaster ride.
However, since my son loves them, I force myself to ride them. The entire time I am riding it I am thinking to myself...."it is almost over...I can endure anything for 30 seconds....just hold on....close your eyes....ahhh...it is finally over". So, I guess you could say that I tolerate rollercoasters....
And my point to all this? Don't really have one except to say that I feel like I am "tolerating" the rollercoaster of life right now. I keep thinking to myself....now is not forever...it will get better soon...hang on for dear life...keep smiling...keep going...keep trying....you get the picture.
The rollercoaster of life that I am on is one filled with unpredictable emotions. Yesterday, I woke up mad. Ever have one of those days? I was impatient with my kids. I was frustrated with every task I tried to accomplish. I had a quick temper about everything. It was late afternoon before I realized that my anger and frustration was really just an odd way to express the sadness that I feel right now. I miss Brian. I miss our relationship. I miss the fun family times we used to have. I just miss him. Some days it doesn't hurt as much and I don't long for the past so much. But, yesterday, the view in the rearview mirror looked better than what was in the front seat with me.
By bedtime I felt like the worst mom. I put my youngest to bed and decided to do "family time" with my two older kids. The good news is that we had a really meaningful time of remembering "daddy". It was unplanned but the rollercoaster ended yesterday on a good note. So, yesterday, the range of emotions was broad...but I hung on...and we found another smooth spot...for now.
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After spending a significant time considering how to respond to your post...I am still not quite sure. I don't want to offer empty words, or over-used phrases. I will say that I know your kids benefitted from family time and you all reading the letters written by others about Brian. Even though it was hard for you, I think it says something about the progress you are making. It seems to me that being able to sit down and read those letters to your kids, no matter how many tears were shed, is a signficant milestone in your journey. Good for you!
You know, the interesting thing about rollercoasters for a lot of us, is even after all the ups and downs, the banging our bodies about, the twisting and turning and the feelings of going to throw up, we always wind up in a safe place with the feelings of "wow, what a ride!" We don't know how good solid ground really feels until we've been through something like the rollercoaster. And like you told Smitty, hang in there it gets smoother.
B~
I know what you mean about how you feel after you ride a really wild rollercoaster...it is fun to "live to tell about it". There is a certain excitement and joy that occurs on the walk off the ride....we laugh and carry on as though it was the greatest ride ever....
Solid ground...I so get that....and I think I am learning to appreciate those "solid ground days"....the joy is deeper, the laughter more genuine....every moment is sacred....I am getting that....life is still good. It just isn't what I had imagined.
I think life is "worth the ride"....I just wish I could throw my hands up in the air and really enjoy the coasters of life....instead I tend to hold on for dear life...
Thanks Bruce, for the reminder about wanting to "throw-up." I feel so special.
I know that when I get off the rollercoaster and find solid ground, I always, or most of the time am thankful for the "ride." In the middle of it, I scream, close my eyes, and wish it were all over, but once I am safely on the ground, I think of what I would have missed had I not been brave enough to get on the rollercoaster to start with. Am I thankful for the circumstances of life that bring me into those dips and turn me upside down..no, not at all. Yet at the end of it all I do believe I will say that my faith is at such a place that I am thankful for the journey.
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