Going from "we" to "me"

One of the difficult things about the grief process is the realization that there is no more "we". Life is becoming less and less about "us" and more and more about "me". It isn't an easy or desirable transition. I'd rather spend the rest of my life living as "we" than spend the rest of it trying to figure out "me". My grief counselor reminded me of this last time we met: "We spend a lot of time teaching people how to become "one flesh", to get "close", to become "one". What we don't teach people is how to "separate" or how to "redefine" themselves when a spouse dies."

Some of my young widow/widower friends describe this as the "amputation of the soul". Something that was once there is now gone....life is forever changed and we are forced to learn to cope with the loss much like an amputee copes with the loss of a physical limb.

I have to agree with my grief counselor and wonder why we aren't more prepared for this than we are. I mean, let's face it, all marriages have a 100% chance of ending. All marriages will end in either death (of a spouse) or divorce. There is no way getting around it (unless you are the spouse who dies first). All of us will be forced to go from "we" to "me".....but no one really tells us how to do that.

I have been working at it for almost 16 months and I think I have made some progress....but I know I still have so much more "stuff" to work through. It has only been recently that I have found myself talking about "me" instead of "we". I still want to say, "our house" or "our bedroom". It is a hard habit to break.

The trivial stuff....the possessions...those really don't matter...but when I start thinking about how to make decisions that will affect the rest of "my" lfe and "my" kids life...that is when it becomes extremely difficult.

Going from "we" to "me"...are you ready for that? Do you feel like that will be an easy transition? Are you like me, and have NO CLUE!!!