What to say...what not to say....

It's that time of the year again.  School has started for the kids and for me.  Lots of new beginnings, lots of people to meet for the first time.  I struggle with knowing how to talk about myself.  It seems that I have been put in several positions lately where I have had to introduce myself and tell about my family, my job, etc.  I've also had to fill out a kajillion forms that ask for information about my kids father.  Gotta love those reminders that I don't have anything to put in those blanks.

So, it still seems a little awkward when meeting people and they ask about my family.  I don't want to make being a "widow" my identity, but, I also don't want to leave people with the impression that I am a single mom.  It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed that I am a single mom.  I think I've come to realize that people make judgments about single moms that are rarely positive and so I suppose I try not to allow that identity to impact what people may think about me.

It's an identity I don't enjoy and one that limits me in many ways.  I'm finding that more and more married people are less likely to engage in a friendship with me or my kids.  I know it's a little bit of a mismatch but it is still hard to get used to...I miss the commonality I had with married people...with my married friends.  It's just not the same anymore and I'm not sure why. I've been trying to figure out some things like that lately and it has me puzzled.

I went to get my tire fixed on Friday morning.  I walked into the waiting area and had a guy who looked like Jesus start talking to me.  To make a long story short, he said to me "aren't husbands supposed to take care of problems like this...isn't that what a good husband should do?"  What do you say to that?  I was speechless for a second or two.  What do I say?  What do I not say?  I said, "well, (long pause) my husband died four years ago so I have to take care of this.  It's amazing what you can do when you have to."   He backpedaled, apologized and then told me "well, you look like the type of lady who can take care of yourself...like the type of girl who doesn't take crap off anyone".   What in the world do you say to that?  I was thinking is this guy a psycho?  I said "you do what you have to do"...and sat as far away from him as I possibly could...

Why do I have to deal with people like that?  Why do I have to feel awkward about what to say or what not to say when asked to introduce myself?  I'm really tired of it...tired of those awkward moments.

More than that though, I just miss being married.  It was so much simpler then, and easier to navigate new relationships...I know I can't go back...but, I do miss that part of my past.

It's the little things...

I took Braden tonight to his second soccer practice.  Out of three kids, he is the only one who has seemed interested in sports.  It's been a little disappointing to me (if I am completely honest) that the other two haven't thrived in sports.  Both Brian and I enjoyed sports as kids.  I guess I assumed my kids would also enjoy and have some measure of success at sports.

Braden was in his element tonight.  For the first time, I saw one of my kids absolutely engaged in a practice.  Several parents told me what a good player he was going to be.  Wow.  That has never happened before.  Better than that, though, was the grin on his face the entire time he was playing.  Every time he would score or do something good he would look over at me with the biggest smile.  He was incredibly proud of himself.

It seems silly, but I'm thankful for tonight...thankful that I got to see one of my kids be successful at sports...thankful that he was feeling so good about what he was doing...hoping maybe sports will be a way for him to get some appropriate attention....just incredibly thankful for the little things in life that make me smile....

He may completely check out next practice, and maybe he was doing well because he didn't have much competition (not sure how to gage his team)...it really doesn't matter...I am just thankful for one beautiful, late August evening that I got to watch him flourish....may never happen again...and that's ok too...

For the little things in life...I'm grateful...so very grateful.

What a DAY!

What a busy, productive, crazy day!

7:45am  I walked my kids into school.  Braden started kindergarten today!  Wow, another milestone in our family.  All three kids in school....never thought I'd see this day.  The school provided a "Boo-Hoo Breakfast" for all the moms and dads of kindergarteners.  I skipped out on this one because I had to be at a class at 8:30 in Fort Worth.  However, I think the type of breakfast I needed was a "Woo-Hoooo Breakfast".  Sorry, I'm not sad that my kids are all in school.  I'm thrilled that each of them are taking one more step towards independence and growth.  Gotta love that!  They are ready, and yes, I am ready too!  It's all good!

8:30 I walked into my fourth semester of PhD class.  I was thrilled when I found out the professor wanted us to focus on an area that we want to specialize in.  As a result, I will be doing my research this semester on how trauma and crisis affects the development of preschoolers and children.  There is quite a bit of research out there on how trauma affects the brain...can't wait to dig into that.

10:00am I met with my professor that I am doing my teaching internship with this semester.  I am a teaching assistant for one of the master's level classes.  I will have an opportunity to help teach the course online and in the classroom.  I am really jazzed about the online course.  I think the wave of the future is in online education....not because it is the best way but because of the efficiency and cost factors.  It should be a great learning experience!

11:30am I met with the Critical Incident Stress Management Team that we are forming in our community.  We have the support of our local police department and are working through the policies and procedures of our group, setting up additional training and soliciting qualified members for the team.  This has been a long process but I am beginning to see it all come together.  Wow!  I love being a part of our community and working with other people outside our church to do ministry.  It's been cool to meet some of our local law enforcement people and hear their stories.  I love it and look forward to continuing to establish our presence in the community.

1:15pm I met with the person I hope takes the position for the grant we received.  I am so excited about what she brings to the table.  I really enjoyed listening to her today and hearing all the things she has done with and for kids with special needs and issues.

2:45 I headed over to the school to pick the kids up....I couldn't wait to hear about their day!  

5:45pm I took Braden to his first soccer practice...what a whoot...should be interesting!

8:15pm all kids are in bed and almost asleep....a perfect ending to an incredibly busy and productive day!

For days when things fall into place...I am so grateful...

A matter of trust....

Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my mind the past few days.  I've been meditating on it, dissecting it, and seeking to understand what it should mean in my life.  I've come to realize that my "trust factor" is pretty low and in need of an overhaul.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight".

Trust requires a relationship of reliance.  In order to place your trust in someone you have to rely on them for something.  In order to trust God, I have to rely on Him for everything.  It demands dependence on Him.  I'm not very good at that.  I'd like to think that I am, but the truth is that I have tried to become self-reliant.  One of the motivating factors for me to become self-reliant is that my personal life has demanded it.  I've had to learn to do many new things.  I've had to pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps in order to work through a difficult tragedy.  As a result, I've become more "self" reliant.  I know I can do just about anything life requires of me...I've had to.  Yet, in becoming more "self" reliant I have drifted away from reliance on God.  So, this verse has been an incredible reminder to me that I need to put my trust in God...not myself, not in my family, not in anything else but God.

Trust is a matter of the heart.  I'm also not good at allowing my "heart" to guide me.  I'm a thinker, not a feeler.  I make decisions based on facts...on well thought out plans...not on my emotions.  This verse reminds me that trusting God with all my heart is not a logical decision.  Trusting God with all my heart puts me in a vulnerable position with God.  I have to open up both my heart and my mind in order to trust Him fully.

Trust is also not dependent on understanding.  We don't trust because we understand.  It doesn't work that way.  We are not to "lean" on our own understanding because it is flawed...it is inadequate.  Yet, this is where I fail every time.  I analyze things to death.  I crunch the numbers, I weigh the risk versus the reward, I calculate the costs.....it's all about my understanding and agreeing with whatever issue I'm wrestling with at the time.  I can't rely on my own understanding for wisdom or direction or peace....ouch.

Trust requires us to "acknowlege" Him in all our ways....I think that means I look to Him in every situation I'm in for direction...it means I sift all of life's circumstances and decisions through what I know to be true about God and His will for my life.  It means everything passes through Him and I seek to obey and honor Him in all things...even the things in life that are tough...even those things in life that seem to make no sense and serve no purpose.  I must acknowledge the reality of His presence in my life and His desire for my life in every situation and circumstance I find myself in.

The great thing....is that when we trust Him, when we don't depend on our own understanding and when we acknowledge Him in all things....He will make our paths straight....He will get us where we need to go.  He will remove the obstacles....

I needed this.....

God, I am relying on you and not on my own understanding.  I want to seek you in my life and acknowledge you in every area of my life.  God, make my paths straight.  I need more of You and less of me....Thank you for this word.

A Weekend in Oklahoma

Last weekend the kids and I made a flying trip to Oklahoma.  We left on Friday and I left at 4:30am on Sunday morning to make my way back to Burleson.  The kids came later in the day with my parents.  It was such an enjoyable time with family and friends.

On Friday afternoon I took the kids to the cemetery to visit Brian's grave.  As is our tradition, we took flowers.  However, like we have done once before, I let the kids pick flowers out of my parents garden and make a special arrangement.  Watching them walk through my parents garden and carefully pick just the right flowers was a beautiful moment for me.  My dad helped them and I couldn't help but be touched at how he understood how important it was to them to get just the right mix of colors and flowers.  When they finished, it was truly a work of art and love.

My kids asked my dad to go with us to the cemetery.  I thought that was kind of interesting.  At first I wasn't sure I wanted him to go because I was afraid I would get emotional and for whatever reason felt inhibited at the thought of his presence.  He agreed to go and the kids were excited about it so I decided to just go with it.  

It was a very beautiful time together.  Braden had LOTS of questions, questions he hadn't ever asked before.  He wanted to know exactly where Brian's body was, what it looked like right now, what his body was inside, etc.  He didn't know what a casket was so I had to explain that to him.  We talked about his spirit not being there.  He was stumped by the whole "body is in the grave, spirit is in heaven" concept.  So, my dad and I both tried to explain it to him.  The kids also took some time to put their hands on the handprints that were on his headstone and see how much they had grown.  It made me smile when they did that.  They were connected to his headstone and it was special to them.  It took me over a year to pick out a headstone and decide what should be on it.  I'm so glad what I did with his headstone is meaningful to the kids.  I was so moved by their ability to go to the cemetery, express their love through flowers, and talk about how much they had grown since daddy died.  It occurred to me that day that my kids have come a long way in their ability to express themselves....for that I am so grateful.  

It also occurred to me that Braden is still trying to process everything.  I wonder sometimes if I should take him to the Warm Place now that he is older and has a better grasp at what has happened in his life.  The other kids were old enough to begin grieving and processing.  He is so far behind them.  I had forgotten that.  It was a good reminder to slow down and make sure I talk with him and answer his questions.

On Friday night I met Brian's parents for pizza.  The kids enjoyed telling his mom and dad about their visit to the cemetery.  They were proud of what they did...and so was I.  We had a good visit.  I am thankful our relationship is still strong.  

Saturday morning my brother and sister (and kids) met me and the kids at a local donut shop for breakfast.  I don't know that I have ever gone to the donut shop with my whole family before.  It was a simple time, but I treasured it.  I was thankful for this weekend in Oklahoma to do some things that we don't generally get to do.

On Saturday night my parents had a party with about 60 adults.  I knew every person except for one.  Most of these people watched me grow up.  There was no reason for the party.  My parents called it a "family reunion".  It was the best "family reunion" I have ever been to.  Many of these people came to Brian's burial service four years ago.  It was the sweetest time of fellowship that I have had in a long time.  Everyone was so encouraging to me and interested in how we were doing.  I was so glad to get the opportunity to talk with them and let them know that we were doing well.  Many of them told me they still pray for me and the kids or that they think of us often.  Wow.  I was so blessed by that and wonder what the impact has been from all the friends and family who have kept my family in their prayers.  I was reminded of how blessed I was to grow up in a family that valued relationships.  It was SO MUCH FUN!

Sunday morning was a blur.  I got up at 3:45 and was out the door by 4:30am.  By 6:00am I had received a 197.00 speeding ticket.  Yikes!  I was caught in a speed trap.  The only thing on the road at that time of the morning is roadkill and policemen trying to make their quota.  The funny thing is that Braden has been obsessed with the fact that I got a ticket.  He asked me a million questions including, "how long would you stay in jail if you didn't pay the ticket?  Have you paid the ticket yet?  When are you going to pay the ticket?  Will it take all the money in your bank account to pay the ticket?  Who will take care of me if you go to jail?  Was it a boy policeman or a girl policeman?  What kind of food do you get in jail?"  Needless to say, I've already mailed off the check to pay for the ticket...and he has finally let it rest.  Today was the first day that he didn't ask me any questions about it.

So, a weekend in Oklahoma...it was all good....except for the ticket. 

For family and friends...I am so grateful.....for relationships that span across the years, I am blessed.

Will this chapter ever end?

I'm struggling right now.  I'm wondering if this chapter will ever end.  I am ready for it to end.  It is possible that it will end, it just may be rather painful.

My commercial tenant did not renew his lease.  I met with a realtor yesterday.  I left with more questions than answers.  My tenant is playing dirty.  I thought we had gotten past that.  I worked really hard to establish a good relationship with them.  I thought we had come a long way.  Apparently, not so much.

I need wisdom in knowing how to proceed from here.  There are many big decisions to be made and I don't want to make the wrong ones.  I want to do this right.  I want to honor God in how I respond to them and how I treat them.  But, it's really hard....really hard....super hard.

Romans 12:21 says "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good".  I wonder how that plays out in my situation.  I can't and won't be a doormat.  I don't appreciate some of their recent actions.  Yet, I want to keep the relationship on a higher plane until they pay their last month's rent and move out (if that is indeed what they are planning to do).  So, do I just pretend I don't know some of the things they have said...do I just ignore their unethical behavior?  Or, do I call them out on it?

The simple decision of choosing a realtor has become far too complicated.  I need wisdom.  I am in over my head.  I have no business trying to make decisions about a commercial property in a town that I don't even live in.  If there is any bone to pick with Brian in heaven it will be about this.  I never wanted to be in this position.  I hate being a landlord.  I hate dealing with dishonest people.  I hate it.

I want this chapter to end.  I want to be done with this part of the journey.

God, give me your wisdom and help me honor you with my words and actions.  I'm struggling and there is no way I can do this without Your help.

A good day....

I got up this morning and went for a run. I hadn't been able to run over the past week and so it was much needed. I then spent all day today catching up on all the things that had been put on hold over the past week. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I got the oil changed in my car. I got my car washed and cleaned out. I cooked a meal for my family and we sat down together and ate it together. My garage is cleaned out where I can park in it again. The laundry is caught up. The kitchen is cleaned and decluttered. My office is cleaned and organized. I can see the top of my desk and all the bills are either paid or put in their proper place so that I can pay them when they come due.

Ahhhhhhh......

Amazing how much better I feel tonight.

I don't feel near as overwhelmed as I did last night.

My thoughts are clearer.

I recognize that I was on overload this past week....it affects me in many different ways when the pace is too fast and furious for our family.

It's been a good day.

For a good day, I am grateful....makes everything look and feel a bit better....

The Struggle Within...

It's still so hard to be emotionally alone.  I miss having someone to help me process my thoughts and emotions.  I've always had a struggle in my thought life.  The struggle within can be paralyzing.  I get defeated by my thoughts.

I'm beginning to understand what a huge weakness this is in my life.  I struggle to sift out truth about situations, people and events.  Brian was always good about helping me to identify irrational thinking.  I've come a long way, but I still struggle.

I am my worst critic.  I constantly evaluate myself with a standard that will never be met.  I am always thinking about how I could do something better or wondering if I haven't measured up to someone's expectation.

This past week has been a fantastic week.  We have seen some amazing things happen.  Yet, tonight, I find myself a little deflated.  I'm not sure if it is let down or if I am just feeling overwhelmed.  I am struggling to sift through my thoughts and wondering if what we did really mattered.

The rational side of me says of course it mattered.  The irrational side of me says "you could have done it better, you didn't meet everyone's expectation, why even try".  I know the irrational thoughts are irrational.  Yet, why do I let them creep in and dominate my thoughts.

I take every situation, every conversation and analyze it until I make myself crazy.  On the positive side, I think I try to always be open to an honest evaluation.  On the negative side, I sometimes don't know how to keep the big picture in front of me so that I don't let the small failures be all that I see.

I've been somewhat caught off guard by the lack of support for one of the outreach efforts we did by people I thought would be on board.  I was discouraged last night when I heard judgmental comments being made about the people we were serving.  I was disappointed in some people who didn't seem to "get" what we were trying to do all week.  I can't exactly put my finger on it but the support for ministering to "non traditional families" was lacking.

To be sure, there were tons of people on board with the efforts.  I have to constantly remind myself that there were about 100 adults who did "get" it.  I shouldn't worry about the handful who chose to be critical....but I do....it's a struggle within....

Constructive criticism is always welcome and I appreciate and respect it.  Judgmental criticism towards people we are serving is hard to stomach.

I am struggling right now to keep my thoughts where they need to be.  I'm feeling the psychological stress of knowing I am about to have a commercial building sit empty.  I'm taking on a new role at work that feels a little scary right now.  I've come off an incredible week of VBS that was emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausting.  

I'm just spent.  

On the very, very bright side....I'm proud to be where I am at in terms of overcoming the emotional connection between VBS and Brian's death.  I thought to myself last night....it matters not to anyone else but it matters to me that family night has been redefined in my mind.  I no longer connect family night with Brian's death....and last night's family night was a victory for me.  I was a part of making something really cool happen for some kids who really needed our help....I'm very proud of that victory...it's been a long, hard fight for the past 4 years to get past that connection....

So, I struggle with my ability to process thoughts and feelings....I'm praying God will help me learn to do that more effectively....

VBS Week

VBS is here for 2009. It has been a great week so far. I've had some really cool moments that have reminded me of how far I have come.

I haven't been focused on VBS being connected to Brian's death. There has been no emotional connection there this year. This is a huge change and something that I am very grateful for. The past three years have been stark reminders of what happened the week of VBS in 2005. This year it is a non-issue.

I realized it was a non-issue when a child was brought to me yesterday who had just lost her cousin in a car wreck. The little girl got upset in the large group rally time because it was her first time being back in the worship center since the funeral for her cousin. Without hesitating, without thinking about it all, I was able to talk with her. I teared up a little but it was for her, not for me. I understood what she was struggling with and we had a nice talk about her cousin, how normal it is for her to be upset and sad, etc. I'm thankful to be in a place where I can offer my empathy and not let my own "stuff" get mixed in and become overwhelming.

Another highlight for me was Sunday night at the off-site VBS. It was a simple gesture but I was blessed. Two little girls came to the kick-off party without their swimsuits. I noticed them sitting over to the side crying. I went up to talk to the mom and found out they were crying because they couldn't swim. I asked the mom if it was ok if I ran to Wal-Mart and bought them both a swimsuit so they could enjoy the pool. She said yes and so off I went on a mission. I rushed off, found a couple of swimsuits at Wal-mart, and came back to deliver them to the girls. They were thrilled and so excited. The mom thanked me over and over again. I know the girls were happy to get to swim, but I was blessed by being able to give them something as simple as a bathing suit.

It feels good this year at VBS. Lots of wonderful things happening. The best is yet to come....

Grateful for time and the healing it provides.....

No word....

No word from my commercial tenants.  I am assuming this means our long relationship is coming to a close.  I talked with my attorney over the weekend and he is sending them a follow up letter tomorrow to make sure they intend to move out.  

In the meantime, I've got to come up with a plan and figure out what to do with a 7200 square foot building.  I'm praying God will guide my steps and that I will either find a tenant or buyer quickly.

I have a peace about it.  I haven't lost any sleep over it yet.  I know it may take a good long while to find tenants or a buyer.  I'm preparing myself for a long journey.  

I find it difficult to be in situations where I have no control.  This is one of those times.  I have to sit and wait and try to be wise.

I need wisdom and direction....whether to list it with a realtor....which realtor to use if I use one...

It all comes at the most busy time of my year....VBS is this week...promotion and school starting is just around the corner....

However, I was able to get a new tenant for my rent house...and I was able to raise the rent quite a bit....I'm hoping the ending will be better than the limbo I will be in for a few months.

For God's provision....regardless of the circumstances I find myself in...I'm grateful.