Think Big

A couple of weeks ago I told the kids I wanted us to adopt the motto "Think Big" for this school year. I had read a book by the same name about a man who grew up in less than ideal circumstances (raised by a single mom), yet was able to become one of the best brain surgeons in the world.

I am not under the delusion that one of my kids is going to become a top brain surgeon. I was, however, challenged by this book and convicted that I needed to push the kids a little more. This book, in combination with some other books I am reading for a paper, has caused me to review how I was parenting and what adjustments might need to be made.

So, here are some of the changes that we have made over the past 2-3 weeks:

1. No television in the mornings before school.
2. No televison on Sundays at all.
3. Television during the week is much more limited. They can watch one 30 minute show in the afternoon and one show in the evening.
4. Each week-night they are to do 30 minutes of "Think Big" time. This is time when they do something above and beyond what they are being asked to do in school. For Nathan, we have been focusing on multiplication facts. For Lexi, we have been learning 100 spelling words that are frequently used in 2nd grade. For both of them, they may practice piano or practice typing with the typing program I have for them to learn to type on the computer. Nathan is also allowed to draw during this time.
5. We are going running/walking or doing some type of physical activity every evening that weather permits and we aren't already committed to an activity.
6. They have to help me set the table and clean up the dishes after the evening meal.
7. When we come home from school they have to pick up their rooms before they can watch television.
8. They have to read every night before they go to bed (this has been true for a long time and isn't really anything new).

We have been doing most of this for about two weeks now. They are finally to the point where they don't mind it and they comply without expressing their lack of enthusiasm.

My favorite change has been the absence of television and the noise it creates. I actually considered unplugging the television from the back and just telling the kids it no longer worked. I decided I couldn't lie to them but I could determine how much they watched. It wasn't that they watched it all the time...we still had limits.....but, it seemed like it had became one of the most important things to them.

One thing I have noticed is that I have shifted my parenting focus more to trying to "teach" them to become independent. I find myself "showing" them how to do more things and encouraging them to learn new skills so that they can handle things on their own. It is a very cool experience to see them begin to take on responsibility and be successful at it.

I am also trying to make decisons about how I spend my time more carefully. I can't do everything that a two-parent family can. I have said "no" to some things or chosen not to get involved in things that create more stress for my family. It's not that I don't want to do all the things that I used to be able to do...it's that I can't. I can't cook a meal for every family that has a baby or go to every shower that I get invited to. I no longer feel guilty about having to say "no". I think for quite a while I tried to do everything that I always did....I tried to be a single parent who could do things that two-parent families can do....and I now realize that that is unrealistic.

I still care about people and want to be generous and want to serve....I just can't do it the same way. As the kids get older I am certain I will be able to do more....for now, I just can't.

I think this is just part of "rebuilding" our life. I am more aware of the issues that I struggle with and I am now able to make better decisions for our family.

I like that we are "thinking big" this year.....I think that is progress....

A first....

Nathan is in fourth grade. He has always been a good student and received high marks for his behavior from every teacher he ever had. One time in kindergarten he had to sign the "sad" book. After that, he has never had a note sent home and never had a behavior issue. His teacher last year made the comment to me that "she wished she had a room full of Nathan's".

However, tonight, as I was putting him to bed, he shared with me that he had been in trouble several times this week (his definition of trouble is being called down in front of the class for an infraction of a rule). He struggled to tell me about it and there were many tears. It's perplexing to me. The things that he got called out on were very minor issues but he feels like he has gotten off to a bad start with his teacher.

As a parent, I know my child and I know that this is not a reflection of who he really is. This may be a reflection of a rough start but not a reflection of a deep character issue. I try really hard not to be blind to issues with my kids. As a matter of fact, if it had been the other two kids that told me this I wouldn't have been so perplexed about it, particularly if it was Braden. My kids have never been perfect nor do I expect them to be. However, this just doesn't fit who Nathan is...something is not right.

It's hard to know how to handle issues like this. I reminded him that every other teacher he has ever had has had high praise for him. I encouraged him to keep trying to rise to her standards and to realize that he has to respect her whether he likes her or not. He mentioned wanting to be in another teacher's class and I told him that was not an option. I am a firm believer in kids learning to cope and adjust in all learning situations. This may be a first but it won't be the last time he struggles with a teacher and he needs to learn to adapt.

But, my heart hurts for him. He wants to be successful in school and it is important to him to follow the rules.

I prayed with him tonight and we had a very personal prayer time about this specific situation. I will be praying for him tomorrow that he has a better day. I am hopeful that this is just a bump in the road and not the beginning of a very long and frustrating year.

Parenting is so hard...and I am sure this is minor in comparison to some of the stuff we will eventually deal with....

Lexi's 5 Things in a Bag

It's back to school time. One of Lexi's first assignments was to bring a bag of 5 things that were important to her to share with her class as an introduction. Here is what she brought and what she wrote about each one of them:

1. Picture of the four of us at the beach this summer.

2. Bible

3. Wooden House (small)

4. Picture of her friends at her birthday party.

5. Picture of her and her dad at a Father/Daughter Banquet.

Her words:

"This is the family I love so much. This is the house I couldn't live without. This is the Bible that teaches me what is right and what is wrong. These are my friends that I like so much. This is my dad who now lives in heaven where he is being taken care of. He took me to fun places that I loved so much. I will love him always no matter what."

I tried to give her some editorial input but she was insistent about every word she wrote....gotta love her for that. She has her own ideas and knows what is important to her...and for that I am grateful.

Dear God, I quit.

How's that for a blog post?

While I know that I am not alone, it sure feels like it. And, unless God can help me do laundry, keep the house, or a million other practical things I am pretty much on my own for the forseeable future.

Seriously, I know that God' presence is the only thing that I can depend upon. But, I can't depend on Him to shoulder some of the workload I have. Spiritually speaking, He's here and I am so thankful for His presence in my life. Practically speaking, it's just me to handle everything related to my family of four. And, if I hear one more person tell me how much they need a break or a nap....I might just throw up.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I am. I don't like being in this whiney mode. It's not me, but it's where I am at right now.

Some of the workload that I have is by my choice. Some of it is by necessity. I struggle to know how to make decisions related to what I choose and what I don't. There are times (and this is one of them) that I ask myself why am I continuing to live in Texas where I have no extended family to help me and the kids. I have chosen to live 5 hours from my family.....I have chosen to push myself to work and go to school. I have chosen to stay in our home and try to maintain a similar standard of living. Maybe I need to rethink some of my choices.

Or, maybe I just need a good nights sleep....and some time to get over this funk....

What I really need is wisdom....God give me wisdom to make decisions that reflect your desire for my life. I don't want to quit, not really....I just want to know that there is a purpose for all that I am doing....I don't mind struggling....I just want to make sure it is the right struggle....

Feeling down....

This week has been an oddly "down" week. With the exception of getting the tax returns done, I have been on edge and stressed the whole week. My kids neeeeeed to go back to school. They have pushed me close to the edge the past few weeks.

I can't quite figure it out. It's not sadness or grief. It's just exhaustion I think. Work has been stressful as we are getting ready for promotion and I have had that hanging over my head for weeks. I am still short some volunteers and that always makes it difficult. I had a hard time getting the help that I needed to even get promotion done. If there was anything that could go wrong or any delay that could happen, it did. I feel less confident about how Sunday is going to go than I have in a long time. Yet, I know I have done everything in my power to get the job done.

I am frustrated that I am doing this alone. It's not a job meant for just one person. It's very difficult to keep all the plates spinning. I am tired of running from plate to plate.

Little things that people say or do irritate me right now. I don't really feel like myself.

I am just down....tired...frustrated...on edge....and lonely.

Some closure...

Tomorrow morning I will mail off the tax returns that have been haunting me for the past three years. My CPA finally finished the 2005 and 2006 corporate returns today.

When Brian died and left his business for me to deal with it was a complete and total nightmare. I can't even begin to describe all of the junk that I had to work through and deal with. It was awful! If there is one thing that I am sure Brian would say that he regretted it would be that he left me to deal with so many issues that I knew nothing about.

It will feel wonderful to mail those returns off. The stress and strain that all that created is finally going to be over with. I will not (hopefully) be getting any more nice reminders from the IRS that we haven't filed the returns. I am relieved and elated that this part of the journey is over.

Yes, I still have a business to run with the rental properties....but I don't have to worry about whether or not we will be able to get the tax returns figured out and filed. And, I have learned a lot along the way. I still can't wait for the party that I will throw someday when I sell the commercial property that has given me so much grief. It will be one heck of a party!!!!!

Closure is a good thing. I am done. It is over. There are no more mysteries to solve. There is nothing left hanging over my head. It is done.


For that.....I am SOOOOO very thankful!

Parenting thoughts....

Just some random thoughts....


Nathan has established a new relationship with the mirror, gel, and my hair-dryer. It seems we have crossed over into the realm of "caring about our hair". I'm not sure I am ready for this. I have a new hair-dryer on my Target list for this week. Sharing just isn't working.

I bought some new hair products the other day. The kids have been mesmerized by them. Who would have thought a new brand of gel, some new shampoo and conditioner, and some frizz-ease/shine enhancer would get so much attention from the kids. They LOVE the conditioner....what a sheltered life they have lived.....they think its some kind of treat.....

Braden remains a huge challenge. Today has been especially difficult. One of the things that is missing is that I have no ally in parenting him. There is no one to put him in his place when he is disrespectful to me. Instead, I have to constantly take up for myself and remind him to be respectful to me. I do my best to stick up for myself...but, tonight, I am just tired of battling with him. I desperately need an ally.....and yet I know that isn't going to happen. I am somewhat discouraged right now with him. Hopefully, this is just another rough patch for him...one that we will both grow through....

I'm doing a paper this semester on "entitlement and overindulgence". Needless to say, the reading that I am doing is giving me pause for thought in how I parent. One of the things that has struck me as significant is that I am going to work on only doing for my kids what they cannot do for themselves. If they are developmentally capable of doing something I am going to ask them to do it. They can pick up their dirty clothes, take their plates to the counter, pack their own lunches, etc. Sometimes it is just easier for me to do it, but that prevents them from learning and accepting responsibility. I think it is probably a fine line between challenging kids to grow and frustrating them. However, for me, I tend not to let them get frustrated....and sometimes a little frustration does them a lot of good.

Not sure all that makes sense, but the reading I am doing has been thought-provoking and challenging.....maybe by the time I write the paper it will make more sense and be more coherent.


Until then....

Powerful Words

I stumbled across this at a Christian artist's website. I won't mention who because when I did that before on my blog it created a lot of hits that weren't really for my blog....(google searches picked up on it)...not that I mind, I always welcome people to read this blog....

I have lived this quote below:


"Hope at the center of despair.

The foot prints left, when we look back at the most tempestuous seasons of life,
are purposeful, organized, significance in the chaos--evidence that we were remembered in our darkest and most vulnerable days."

It seems to go along with my theme of the "evidence of grace" in my life.....you may not recognize it immediately, but we can always look back and recognize it once the storm has passed....I can't think of a single thing in my life that I haven't been able to recognize God's grace in later....not at the moment....but much later....

Good stuff!

A Letter to my Younger Self

Marsha has thrown out a challenge for her fellow blogging friends to write a letter to your younger self. After thinking about this for a few days, I decided to take her challenge.


Letter to myself, Jun 17, 2005 (35 years old)
From Shelly at age 38


Dear Shelly,

You woke up this morning with a different identity than you started with yesterday. I know that you feel like you have had the rug jerked completely out from under you. Let me reassure you and offer you some hope for this moment.

1. You are about to experience love and support like you have never felt before. I believe this is God's way of showing Himself to you during this horrific experience. Every kind deed, every prayer uttered in your behalf, and every generous act of love should be a reminder to you and your children of how much God loves and cares for you.

2. Your children will work through this loss and will learn some valuable lessons along the way. It's not that they won't be affected, they will. They will hurt and they will miss out on the benefit of a two-parent family. However, they will also learn how to rise to the occassion when the chips are down. They will grow to appreciate things that other children have never had to struggle with. It is during times of struggle that growth most often occurs. Your children will be given many opportunities to grow through this.

3. Your family will also rise to the occasion. Trust your dad to help you along the way. Don't be afraid to allow them to help you. They will provide some key wisdom as you deal with many issues you never dreamed you would have to deal with.

4. Brian's mom and dad need you to continue a relationship with them. Although it may be awkward, stay invested with them. They love you and the kids and want the best for you. Give yourself time to heal before you make decisions about how to establish a post-Brian relationship with them.

5. Take it one minute at a time. Don't think too far in the future. This is going to be a marathon experience so don't treat it like its a sprint that will be over soon. You are in for a long, hard fought journey. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Trust God that He will give you wisdom and discernment. Don't be obsessed with worry. Worry is the price you pay in advance for things that rarely ever occur. You will have the tendency to want to take on the worry of this accident. It will not help anything to be so focused on what you might lose. Instead, focus on grieving your loss and rebuilding your life.

6. This journey will make you a different person with different goals and different passions. Embrace the new dreams God gives you. Don't be afraid to take a risk in changing. Understand that the same God who is taking care of you right now will continue to provide for you all that you will need to do what He has called you to do.

7. Don't be hurt by some of the awkward and inappropriate things people may say to you. Everyone means well, they just don't know what to say or do. Don't be surprised if friendships change or disappear. You are no longer the you that everyone once knew. It will take some time for you to figure out who you are and there will be some people who aren't that interested in the new you. Don't take it personal. On the other hand, you will also find that some of your friends will surprise you at how well they are able to support you and continue a similar relationship. Treasure the friends that God gives you to help you through this.

8. Never, ever, never engage in a conversation with a carpet cleaner....don't ask why, just don't!

9. Realize that you will need help working through this. You may have a master's degree in marriage and family counseling but that doesn't exempt you from needing some major help dealing with this loss. Don't be surprised if you have to completely rethink how you think about God. This experience will cause you to have to question every belief you ever had. However, in the end, your faith will be the foundation upon which you begin rebuilding your life.

10. Understand that you will never get over this. This event will forever impact you and your children. The goal should not be to get over it. Instead, focus all of your efforts on getting through this. There is no getting around the pain and grief you are about to experience. However, I can tell you that this intense pain will not last forever. You will laugh again. You will make some great memories with your children. And, you will be able to look back on this experience and know that it is only because of God's grace and provision that you were able to make it as far as you will some day make it.

Above all else, know that God is with you in this very moment. Psalms tells us that "He is close to the broken-hearted". He's so close to you right now, so very close...and someday you will be able to look back and trace His hand of grace through the people of your church, community and family.

Trust me when I say this, you and your children will be more than just ok....you will rebuild a beautiful life....it won't be easy and you may wish things were different....but through this experience you will learn that life is beautiful, if we but choose to recognize, embrace and treasure that beauty.

What was I thinking?

This afternoon I was getting dinner ready when I looked out my kitchen window and saw a beat up old truck with a trailer pull next to the curb in front of my house. Two rather shady looking men got out. One of them came up to my door and rang the doorbell. Since I had seen them pull up I told my kids not to answer the door because I didn't know who it was. I had to chase Braden down to keep him from answering the door. We all stood there frozen waiting for them to leave. Instead, the man knocked again and rang the doorbell again. Braden dashed over to the door before I could stop him but didn't open it. I scolded him and told him to get back in the living room. He complied but the man had now seen that we were home because Braden made himself fully visible to the man.

The man continued to ring the doorbell and knock. After about 5 rings and 5 knocks I told the kids to go out in the backyard. At this point, the kids are starting to be a little bothered by it too. I stood by the back door waiting to see if they were ever going to leave. My plan was to run out the back door if they tried to force their way in and take the kids out the back gate.

I kept watching and waiting to see what they were going to do. The longer this went on, the more unnerved I felt. They kept ringing the doorbell and knocking. The last straw came when they pushed the doorbell 5 times in a row .. You know, the kind of thing you do when your brother locks you out of your house. My fear then turned into anger. I couldn't believe that these two men were being as obnoxious as they were about getting me to answer the door.

So, I decided I would go out my back door and through the back gate and talk to them from a distance on the front lawn. I came around the corner and one of the men pointed at the other guy and said "here she is". I stayed about 15 feet from them. The man started to tell me that he was a tree service company and.....I interrupted him and said "I'm not interested and I don't appreciate you ringing my door bell so much. If I had wanted to answer it I would have answered a long time ago." They backed off and turned and went to their truck. I didn't hear what they said but I am sure that I was called some sort of ugly name.

It wasn't until after I walked into the house that I realized that probably wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done. What was I thinking? What if I ticked them off and they decide to come back and harrass me again or worse.....not a real wise reaction. My plan was not to be rude to them but that is what happened.

I was angry that they were messing with me and my kids. I was angry that they wouldn't quit ringing my doorbell. My anger cancelled out my fear....until afterwards when I started thinking about what I had just done....

I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I did that. They were large, stocky, rough looking men. I wouldn't have stood a chance with them.

My explanation, I guess, is that you don't mess with a mother and her children....and when it comes down to it, I would fight off anyone I had to to keep my kids safe. And...sometimes, I make foolish choices when I let my anger drive my actions.....

I talked with my neighbor afterwards about it and we decided to get my alarm system functioning. Next time, I'll hit the panic button on my alarm and watch them run for cover....ha!

Probability or a Promise?

I finished up my last summer readings class tonight. It was a better experience but still a little disheartening at times. I did step up to the plate and graciously offer a different viewpoint when one of my fellow classmates made a statement that didn't jive with me. That's progress for me, to be willing to say I disagree with someone in a room full of people who all think they are right....

The issue was about parenting. The same gentleman that said he wouldn't counsel a Budhist made this statement in regards to his parenting approach: "I tell my kids that if they obey me the Bible promises they will live a long life....yadiyadiya...."

I responded to his statement by saying "yadiyadiyaya...parenting...yadiyayaya....and while I would tend to agree with you that if children obey their parents it may prolong their life, I think it is speaking more in terms of a probability than a promise. We all have known people who have honored their parents and have lived what we would consider a shortened life. I think we have to be careful not to promise our kids that if they obey us they will a long life because that becomes problematic when someone they love dies very young." Silence. No response.

I was gracious and kind but also firm. Am I wrong? I don't think so, maybe, but I don't think so. I think the Scripture uses the word "may" live a long life...not "will".....

Scripture does, however, use the term "promise" and not "probability". How do I explain that? I'm not sure. I just know that logically it contradicts itself if we have to take that verse to mean that everyone who honors their parents is guaranteed a long life.....


Ephesians 6:1-3
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."


Yes, this one is also personal. Brian loved and honored his parents as much as anyone I have ever known. His parents will tell you that he never really gave them much trouble. Of the four children they had, he was the most respectful and compliant. Brian showed honor to them as an adult. He had plans drawn to build them a house someday and give it to them as a gift. He was a dreamer but he always thought of ways he could bless his parents. On our wedding day we each wrote a letter to our parents honoring their marriages and thanking them for their influence. Brian honored his parents...he wasn't perfect and he was disobedient like all children...but he loved and honored them....and he died at 35.....way too early....

When I spoke up tonight I never mentioned that I had a husband who died young...I didn't make it about me....that's progress too....there is a time to disclose and tonight wasn't it. But, I did make a valid point that I hope will give this gentleman pause for thought.

After the silence, another student said "yeah, I tried that line with my teenage son and he said he didn't want to live long anyways"....laughter.....I think this gentleman uses Scripture to maniuplate his children into obedience...but that's another discussion for another day.....




Thoughts???

Swimming anyone?

I went in to see how Braden's bath was going and here is what I found.....just had to snap a picture of him and his goggles....

What to say....

It's been an extremely busy past couple of weeks. Mom was here for a week (woohoo) and then my neighbor's 40th birthday party at my house and now, VBS.

Mom being here was a huge blessing. It's been a long time since she came and stayed a full week. I had forgotten what it was like to have an extra set of hands 24/7. We took the kids school shopping and got them everything they need in one afternoon trip. I was pumped!

Vacation Bible School started last night, and, for the first time since Brian's death, I felt like I really contributed to VBS. We had a community luau and the turnout was better than I had hoped for...it was a highlight in ministry for me. I guess that as I am getting older and more self-aware (ha, ha, that sounds pretty corny) I realize that there are certain things I am good at and certain things that I am terrible at. While are many things I am terrible at, there are a few things that I love doing and can usually be successful at. Planning a big event and pulling a team of people together to make it happen is my favorite thing in minstry to do. I love to see other people use their gifts and shine. Last night was beautiful to watch and very fulfilling to be a part of. I realize that we can't always do what we love, but it sure is fun and cool to see how God can use our gifts to glorify Him.

Personally, for me, it was a victory to get back in the game at VBS. It was a milestone in healing...yes, I will always think of Brian's death when VBS comes around. However, last night was a deliberate and intentional attempt to say 'I want VBS to be about VBS...not about my loss or the feelings that overwhelm me'. I don't know that anyone else but me can understand what I am trying to say....I just know that I want to disconnect VBS from Brian's death, and last night was a huge step forward in doing that.

I am extremely grateful for God's work in my life. I am thankful that He gives us time to heal, and that He can use us even when we are broken.