The question of Fairness....

Every once in a while I go down the path of thinking that this really "isn't fair". I usually end up on this path after someone says something to me that sets me off or I find myself beginning to compare myself to others. Most recently, it has grown out of my experience and interactions with the people I have reconnected with through my high school twenty year reunion website. My reaction to many of them is that I can't believe all that they have done (immoral, etc) and many of them have an "exterior" that says they are successful, happy, etc. It's been hard to be who I am in that group. I tend to compare myself and think things should have turned out better. I wonder what they are thinking about me....and the God that I serve....

Yet, the question of fairness isn't a good road to go down. I picked up a book tonight that I read early in my grief journey. It is written by Jerry Sittser who lost his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident involving a drunk driver. He writes about fairness versus grace and here is what he has to say;

"....God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering.....I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience undeserved grace."

Fairness or grace? It has to be grace for me. The title of my blog suggests I have some sort of an awareness of the importance of grace in my life...and the "evidence of grace" in my life far outweighs the unfairness factor.....

I've got to quit going down this path where I pout about the fairness of losing Brian......it leads to nowhere....

March ramblings...

Here are some of my random thoughts.....in no particular order.....

1. I hate that I "feel" like a loser when I look at my high school's twenty year reunion website. I "know" that I am not a loser, but it sure does "feel" that way when most of the comments and emails you get are sympathy notes.....

2. I am beginning to think that I miss "the relationship" more than I miss Brian. In some strange way I think I have let go of Brian...not that I don't think about him or wish he was here...maybe it is just that I have accepted that he is no longer part of my life (not by my own choice).....but, I still miss being married....I miss that feeling of being completely accepted by someone.....a feeling I may never get to experience again.....

3. I have no clue how to look at my future......no clue what to expect....no clue at all....

4. I am getting somewhat weary of trying to keep all the plates spinning....I even considered hiring a lawn service....but then I think, that's money I could use on the kids to do fun things or put in their college savings fund....I get tired just thinking about having to mow every week again....

5. I tend to get discouraged when I begin to play the "comparison" game.....I know that is a big no-no....but I tend to go there and wonder why life can't be a little bit easier.....

6. I could go on and on and on....but, I won't......


Just whiney ramblings.....

The mystery in my faith...

I struggle, on a regular basis, with the mystery in my faith. There are times when it stays under the surface and it doesn't impact me. There are other times when it comes to the forefront and almost seems overwhelming.

This is one of those times when the mystery of it all seems a little overwhelming. It's a good thing in that it causes me to wrestle with the issues. Struggle is almost always a good thing. Struggle precedes growth, doesn't it? If I look at growth in my life on a timeline....there has always been some type of struggle that caused me to have to grow beyond myself.

I see it in nature. The most simplistic example would be the metamorphosis of a butterfly. There has to be a certain amount of struggle in order for the butterfly to emerge.

I see it in my children. Learning to read has been a struggle for both of my kids. They have had to work at it. But, then the breakthrough happens....and they soar.

I see it in my faith. Significant growth never occurs for me without a struggle.

It seems then that I should welcome struggle....but I don't. I get frustrated when I have to struggle.....sometimes I get angry....but, the end result is usually growth.

The mystery in my faith is frustrating. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I wish I knew how to talk about God's work in the world and in my life. I don't have a clue why things have happened the way they have for me and the kids. I can not bring myself to say that "this was just God's will for my life". I just can't say that. How could it be God's will for my children to lose their father? How could that be?

I hear people around me flippantly talk about what God has done for them or how He has blessed them and I usually think one of two things: Either I think they are totally clueless and haven't had something beyond explanation happen to them or I think maybe I am the one who messed up and lost God's blessing. Neither one of those responses are good. I recognize that.....but, that's where I am at.

I am trying to define my faith with an inadequate and faulty perspective.....I tend to filter everything through my own experience....and that's not healthy.....

Yet....how do you know which things are truly from God and which things are just part of living in a dying world?

The struggle will produce growth....I am confident of that....I am just tired of the filter I have.....how do I not let what has happened to me impact how I define my faith and how I accept the mystery of it?


For now, I have to acknowledge the mystery....I have to be honest and authentic about the things I don't understand......but, I also can't deny all the things that I do know for sure about God.....and that's where I have to hang my hat until the struggle subsides and the growth occurs....

My least favorite role....

I hate being a landlord. I hate dealing with people who are not trustworthy. I hate the mind games they play. I hate that no matter what I do, it isn't good enough. I hate that my tenants and my building manager don't get along. I hate that my tenant thinks that there is a "conflict of interest" with my building manager. I hate this role. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I am beyond weary of trying to please them. I am beyond weary of being expected to be able to control the weather and the contractors who can't work when the weather is bad. I don't want this role......I am no good at it...it isn't me.....I am trying my hardest but I hate it......

Things that make me smile....

Last night I found a note from Lexi on my pillow. It said:

I love you. I am very sorry. I wish dad were still here. Do you?

Lexi is my note writer. Usually after she gets in trouble I will find a note from her somewhere. She reminds me of me in that I used to make my apologies via a letter or note to my parents. Interesting how she does that even though I have never done that or told her that I used to do that.

I thanked her for the note and talked with her about it today. I asked her if she thought I still missed dad. She said yes. I told her I did and then she started recanting a story about a memory with her dad. I listened to her talk about him and was somewhat impressed by the way she was able to talk about him and remember some happy times. It came very natural to her and she seemed to enjoy just talking about him. (I can't help but remember how hard it was to talk about him after it first happened...we have come a long, long ways.)

When I read the note I thought she brought up her dad because she has been known to do that in order to move the focus off of whatever it is that she has done or doesn't want to do. She sometimes uses it as a distraction in hopes that she can talk her way out of whatever trouble she is in. It struck me afterwards that maybe she just needed to talk about him.

I don't think we talk about him as much as we used to. Maybe I need to give the kids more opportunities to talk about him.

I am thankful for the things that make me smile....crumpled up notes on my pillow, hearing Lexi recall a special memory, and being able to recognize that my kids are ok.....they may drive me insane sometimes with their entitlement issues....but they really are going to be ok.....for that I am grateful and extremely hopeful....

Back to reality....

Parenting is the hardest task I have ever been given. Just when you think you are doing well and making progress with your kids, they do things that make you question your ability to parent.

Tonight a simple thing happened that sent me on a tangent with my kids. We were at church and went to an event that included each family decorating one kite. Sounds fun. Sounds simple enough. Enter my children who think the world revolves around them. Instead of enjoying making a kite together they have to fight about who gets to color what and where....they grump about the fact that they each don't have their own kite....etc....etc....etc......

I realized tonight that my children think the whole world revolves around them.....and when things don't go just their way they don't know how to handle it. I know they aren't alone in this entitlement saga....truth be told, I tend to think things revolve around me too....but, how do you teach your kids not to function that way?

My prayer is that God will show me how I can teach them to think and live differently....and, that God will show me what needs to change in my own life....

Back to reality.....kids are high maintenance aren't they?

My life is back....

The kids came home today. It feels so nice to have them home. Make no mistake, it was nice to have some quiet, but I missed them. I was reminded today that they are a central part of why I am trying so hard to continue to live and love. They have so much potential and so much life to live and I want to do everything I can to support them in their journey.

I'm thankful for their love....for their endless hugs and kisses and snuggles....for Nathan holding my hand as we walked into church....for Lexi kissing me on the cheek while we were singing in church....and for Braden who wanted me to snuggle with him tonight....I am loved.....and that is a gift from God....

My life is back.....and I am glad....

Sometimes I wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choices related to how I am trying to rebuild my life. I was talking to my sister today on the phone and I asked her "what would you be doing if you were me?" I asked her that question because she knows me pretty well and understands most of my current situation and all the variables that go along with where I am at right now.

I suppose that the quietness of this week has given me room to wonder if I am headed in the right direction. The reality of going to school has hit. I have worked all week trying to get papers written so that the kids won't feel my stress in the coming weeks as the semester winds down and deadlines approach. Going to school is going to take a sacrifice on my part. I realized that this week when I really wanted to be outside enjoying the Spring weather and instead I was inside working furiously on the computer. I don't mind sacrifice as long as I am certain it is what I am supposed to be doing....and mostly, I am certain...but there are still twinges of doubt.

My question to my sister is fueled by the frustration I feel in not knowing where my life is headed and how much things may or may not change in the coming years. We've had these discussions before and I never come out of them knowing any more than I did when we start the conversation.

Here's where I struggle......I am working extremely hard to make sure that I am prepared to continue to provide for my children's needs and for my needs. I work off the assumption that I am the only one who is going to make sure we have what we need. As a result, I am pushing myself to go to school and continuing to work instead of trying to live off a reduced income that would dip into savings and money set aside for the kids future needs. I am allowing the future to dictate my present decisions. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing...but it is a stressful burden to carry...and it leaves little room for depending on God to meet our needs. Maybe it is a lack of faith or maybe it is just part of my personality to want to be certain that I have all my bases covered financially.

The reality though is this....I don't want to carry these burdens on my own forever....I hope and pray that God will someday provide someone in my life to love and do life with....I don't enjoy being single....it's not near as much fun as being married....but, my kids and their needs are in conflict with my desires. I can't do anything that would impact them negatively. I don't want to complicate their lives or create uncertainty for them. They have been through enough and I certainly don't want to add anything else to their plate.

So, back to my question I posed to Kathy today.....am I doing what I should be doing in order to find the life God intends for me? What if going to school is a big waste of time for me (just something that creates stress, costs money and limits quality time with my kids)? What if, by going to school and continuing to try to increase my ability to provide for my kids, I miss what God really has for me? Should I just live for today and trust that everything will work out? Should I loosen up the purse strings and remove things from my life that are stressful for me or the kids? I even had one person tell me that I was "trying to fulfill a role that God never intended for me to fulfill"....Gee thanks, that was profound....maybe it is true (??) but where does that leave me....what else am I supposed to do except to try to fulfill all the roles that need to be filled in order to raise my children and run a household....not the brightest statement but the person who made it is pretty well respected and well educated.....

I understand that no one can tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes....but sometimes I wonder if there might be a better way to approach my life than the way I am doing it. I have tried to seek God's will for my life in everything that I do. But, I gotta admit, sometimes I wonder what difference it makes.....Brian and I sought direction and guidance on a regular basis....and look what happened....it didn't seem to matter.....the end was still the same.....

Sometimes I wonder.....I really, really wonder what the heck the purpose is for my life.....

While the doubts are there....the reality is that I do believe God is God and I am not.....I do believe that this is but one long and painful chapter of my life and that there will be chapters filled with hope and joy and love....I do believe that God cares for me and provides for me in ways that I am not even aware.....I do believe that it is God who has sustained me through this difficult time and it is God who will continue to guide me....I do believe that God can bring beauty from ashes......I just want to see some of that beauty....NOW, if at all possible.....

At the end of the day...

I have been reminded this weekend that "at the end of the day....I still go home by myself". It sucks.

The kids are in Oklahoma for their annual trip to Grandma's during Spring Break. I am trying to get a paper written. It's going a little slower than I would like. However, my goal is to get as much done while they aren't here so that our Spring won't be a crazy, stressed out time.

Two friends have celebrated big birthdays this weekend and so I have attended two different parties. It's been really nice to have some "adult" time. I have laughed a lot this weekend. However, I still can't get past that feeling of being "different", of being "alone". I do the best I can but it still hurts. And, at the end of the day, I have no one's hand to hold and that just sucks big time.

I have found myself thinking "this isn't what I wanted" several times this weekend. I think I have come a long way, but it is frustrating that I am now doing this on my own....with no end in sight.

It's a constant struggle....I take huge steps forward and then something happens and I feel like I haven't come as far as I thought I had. I understand that this probably part of the journey...that it is normal....but, I am tired of it.

Still, I am doing the only things that I know to do.....to keep dreaming, to keep loving my kids, and to keep believing that God can bring beauty from ashes....

A reminder of the grace and redemption God offers....

Today I was reminded of the grace and redemption that God offers each of us as we make our way through this world. I am thankful that God used someone to teach me that again.

Sometimes, in my job, I wonder what is being accomplished or if what I do even matters. Today, I knew that something I did mattered. For that, I am grateful.

It's amazing to me that God can use the broken times in our life to teach us some of the most valuable lessons we will ever learn. Each of us are different. Each of us have different struggles, failures, disappointments and "broken" times.

Death has been my teacher. The lessons continue....the growth needs to continue....One thing is for sure, "Life" continues to be my choice....

A post that struck a chord with me...

I frequent a website for young widows at ywbb.org. Tonight I read a post from a lady who was talking about moving departments in her job. She was excited about the fact that she was going to a department full of people who didn't know her past. She phrased it in terms of "losing her widow identity". For some reason, that resonated with me.

I don't want to forget Brian. I will always love him. But, I am ready to begin losing some of the "widow identity" that has permeated my life for the past 2 1/2 years. I think going back to school has created a new environment for me to practice losing some of that "identity"....and it has been a very freeing thing.

In reality, no one but me probably labels me that way. However, for me, the fact that "I" want to lose some of the identity is a big deal. Isn't it? I need to be the new me...the one who has survived the loss of her husband....the "me" who has overcome incredible depths of sorrow to begin rebuilding a new and meaningful life...the "me" who knows that she "can" survive anything....the "me" who knows she is doing the best she can to raise her kids to reach their potential....the "me" who now has a greater understanding of joy because of the depths of pain that she has experienced...

Life is still good...it really, really is.....it's what we make of it, afterall.....

I want to keep moving forward...it's becoming a very powerful thing for me....

I like school....

Pretty simple. I like school. I like that I am learning new things and being pushed. I like that I am doing something for "me". I like the escape on Mondays from my "world".

It's been a long time since I have been in this environment. I like thinking about something different than my grief, my kids, my job, my life.

Is it a distraction from reality? Maybe. I would rather like to think it was part of the journey where I continue to evolve and grow towards the life I am creating without Brian....and it feels good, it feels "right". I am thankful that I am now at a place where my thoughts and plans are more directed at my future than at my past. It took a long time to get to that point, but I think I am there....and that is a good feeling. It doesn't mean I don't wish things were different...it just means that since they aren't different I am choosing to make the best of the rest of my life....and I am so glad to be at this point in the journey.

Is it going to be stressful over the next few weeks as deadlines hit and papers are due? Yep! Yep, yep, yep....but it is a good stress, one that stretches me. I just have to make sure I manage my time well and be extremely disciplined over the next two months. It can be done, I am certain of that.

I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow...I really am....

The Post-Brian "Me"

Life is so interesting and complex. Today I realized that there really is a Post-Brian "me" that is emerging. I have done a lot of work to create a new identity that reflects who I am and how I have changed since Brian's death.

One small, probably insignificant example occurred today. I have been going to class now for about 6 weeks. I have begun to get to know some people in my seminars and the relationships are beginning to develop. I no longer feel like a stranger when I walk into class. We were asked to pair up today in groups of two for collaboration on a group assignment. I ended up working with a guy who happens to be on the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum. He talks and interacts with people constantly, almost annoying at times. We finished our discussion and he asked me how many seminars I was taking. I told him "two" and he said "wow, you are going to be at this forever!" I agreed and said that I had three kids and a job and that yes, I would be at it forever. He then said something to the effect of "your husband won't help you around the house so you can take more classes huh?" It really didn't come out as offensive as that probably sounds...he was trying to be funny. I said, "no, actually he died a couple of years ago and so I am on my own"....open mouth, insert foot. What followed was not a "poor pitiful you" type of conversation...I very matter of factly continued the conversation with him and answered the questions he had about what had happened, how old were my kids, etc. Funny thing is that I didn't feel badly about the conversation. I didn't feel uncomfortable...I didn't feel embarrassed or pitiful....I surprised myself with how well I handled it. He ended the conversation with "remind me not to make any more bad jokes about your husband"...or something like that....I told him not to worry about it, he didn't know and we went on with the rest of class.

I had dreaded that type of conversation and fully expected it to happen as I got to know people who know nothing of my history with Brian. I avoided making it a part of my introduction for that particular class because I didn't want it to be the focus of who I was and I didn't want "pity" to be the first label that I received.

So....what I had dreaded...it happened....and I handled it surprisingly well. It didn't cause me to get emotional. I walked away from class knowing that I had just taken another step towards living out who I have become....and I guess I was sort of proud....

I don't think I will dread those type of conversations anymore....if they happen, they happen. I can handle it and while I am sure he was embarrassed I think I responded well enough that he didn't feel pity for me or my situation...

Who is the Post-Brian "me"? I think I am beginning to understand and believe that who I can become as a result of the events in my life may actually be a stronger, more confident and definitely more compassionate person than I ever was "before Brian's death".

Another Birthday....

We celebrated Lexi's 7th birthday last night with 14 little girls in my home. It was tons of fun. It was a Princess Party and Cinderella showed up to do some magic and balloon animals. By all acounts it was a hit. I am thankful it went well but really glad it is over....parties are so much work!

After the party was over I was cleaning up and a family picture caught my eye. I stopped and looked at it and thought "God, why isn't he still here....?" I suppose that it is on these special ocassions that I am reminded of the magnitude of the loss. I still don't understand how or why life changed so dramatically for us. Brian would have had a blast last night watching Lexi having fun with her friends in our home. The castle he built for Lexi's room was a hit...again....wish he had been there to accept all the compliments Lexi got on her room.

The pain is still there....my emotions come to the surface....and I am reminded that life will never be the same without him....I wish, I wish, I wish that things were different....

I'm alone....and I feel it....and I hate it...

But....but, but, but.....our life is going on....and we are moving forward...and I hold on to the hope that God will continue to sustain us and I pray that I will desire what God desires for me....and when I do that, there will be joy and contentment....and the loneliness and pain will loosen its grip...