Random Thoughts

I spent the past few days in Oklahoma celebrating the Fourth of July. Getting away from my "life" here always tends to generate a lot of thinking and pondering.....here are some of my random thoughts and experiences from the past few days....

**Job continues to fascinate me. It hit me yesterday that sometimes an "experience" with God is more powerful than an "explanation" from God. If you think about Job, there was an explanation for what happened to him....there was a conversation between Satan and God that provides a clue as to why what happened to Job happened....but Job never knew that. Job never knew what God and Satan had talked about. Interesting. This indicates to me that there are times when an "experience" with God is more effective than the "explanation". How would Job have felt had he known the conversation that God and Satan had....interesting....

**I saw a lady at the mall in Tulsa who hadn't seen me in probably 15 years. I was with my sister. She looked at me and said "you look the same" and then she looked at my sister and said "you look different, your face has thinned down or something". I told my sister later that I wasn't sure that was a compliment to either one of us. And then I thought....guess I need a new style or something....but then I really thought....my looks may not have changed much but I am glad that "I" have changed....it wouldn't be a compliment for someone to tell me that I haven't changed....I need to change....and I need to grow and be stretched....and I hope I am always changing....and I would hope it would be noticeable....

**I went for a walk with my dad one evening and he asked me "have you found a man yet?" I told him no and I wasn't looking. He said "why not?" I said because I don't think that is what my kids need. The conversation went on and on. I struggle to understand his persistence with this issue. I was able to articulate pretty clearly where I stood on the issue but he still continued to push. This is one of those awkward parts of being a young widow. This isn't what I asked for....it isn't what I signed up for....I never had any intentions of marrying anyone but Brian....it just makes me mad that I am in a position where I have to defend myself as to why I am ok with being single right now. It's like my world won't be ok unless I marry again...according to him anyways....makes me kind of feel like a second-class mom or something...I know he didn't mean it that way....but it would be nice if he could be content with where I am at right now so that I could continue to be content....instead he keeps messing with my head and making me sort of believe that I won't be ok by myself...but I am pretty sure I am ok by myself....it isn't ideal...but it isn't bad....oh well...just random thoughts here...

**I thought some more about the "where do I go from here post"...I know, quit beating a dead horse....but, my thought is that maybe it isn't so much about "where" as it is about "how". "How" do I continue to rebuild our life...yes, I know I am rebuilding...but it seems to be getting more complicated or something....I went to dinner with Brian's parents while we were in Oklahoma and the thought crossed my mind...."I wonder what kind of relationship they want with me"? They are always so kind and warm and accepting and they continue to include me in everything....but I couldn't help but wonder "how do I know what kind of relationship they want or need and what kind of a relationship I want or need". I know my kids need a relationship with them and I am committed to that...but is it healthy for me to try to keep the relationship the same....ohhh I am so confused about this....I don't know how to navigate through the changes that this relationship with them will surely go through....maybe they could care less about me....I know they love the kids...or maybe it really hurts when I am around because they wish Brian was there with me...I don't know....I really don't know "How" to keep doing that relationship..

**I have been thinking more about pursuing my PhD...it is a goal I have always had and it was a goal that Brian encouraged me to have....but, my kids have needed my full attention so I have put it off....but I keep thinking about it....and I just want to have a goal to work towards....a dream to chase.....and maybe the timing is getting closer...maybe I can land the plane soon instead of just circling the airport....I just want to make the most of the influence I have....and getting a PhD would provide a platform for more influence....more influence in children's ministry...more influence in counseling....I just want to make the most of the education and life experiences that I have had....is that a bad or selfish motive?

**Lexi caught me off guard yesterday. She got a new dress when we went to the mall and she was wearing it last night and I told her how pretty she was. Just kind of off the cuff I asked her if she was going to get married someday. She said she was. Then I asked her who she thought she might marry. She said "I will marry whoever God sends me". I was floored by her very confident remark. She hasn't heard me say that before....I am not sure where she got her "line"....but it was a really sweet moment....and I have high hopes for her...

**My dad and his siblings are dealing with some business issues related to the death of their father (my grandfather). My dad was telling me about something they had decided to sell. Apparently my Aunt had always said she wanted this particular piece of property. But, she told my dad last week that "I am finding that it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go". I thought it was a pretty profound statement....and maybe that is where I am at....it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go....Of course, I am not talking about "things"....I am talking about letting go of the life I once had with Brian....hanging on to that life served a purpose for a time....but time has continued to change things....and it continues to change me....and "letting go" is beginning to feel more natural than "hanging on"....




Guess that is all....just a bunch of random thoughts....