I am not sure where to begin but I have had some pretty significant insights today....I met with my counselor who is helping me deal with all the grief issues.....and he really helped me clarify some things.....here they are and they may seem a little random....
1. I am still struggling with "loyalty" issues....and when I seem to be moving forward I begin to question myself and it sometimes even feels disloyal to be having good days and making plans for the future.
2. I feel torn between the life I had and the life I dream of building. It, again, feels disloyal to be dreaming of a great life....and to be taking steps to reach goals....because what if my life ends up being better than it was before....does that take away from what Brian and I had....the answer has to be no but my heart says otherwise....
3. I remember when our business in Granbury burned to the ground in 2001. The building was a total loss. We had a choice to make...actually lots of choices...but the first one was whether to rebuild. That was an easy answer, we had to rebuild.....however, as I look back I realized that Brian made a deliberate decision to rebuild bigger and better....he had his head in the clouds as he was having plans drawn up to rebuild....and the end result was a building that was almost twice as big and ten times nicer. It was hell (literally almost) to go through, dealing with insurance and everything else.....but because he was determined to build it bigger and better many of his dreams became a reality. Fast-forward to now....I have already made the choice to rebuild....there is no other option when you have three kids....the choices I am making now are whether to actually dare to dream that what I rebuild could be bigger and better (edited to say maybe "different" and "more useful" is a better way to say it) than what I had before.....that is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around and give myself permission to do....and I didn't realize that until today....when emotion bubbled up as I talked about my desire to dare to think that my life might could be better....which is where the loyalty/guilt issues again come in....
4. I also realized that going back to school sort of symbolizes to me my determination to rebuild and to try to build it different and more useful.....my analogy is this: I feel like that by going back to school I am getting back up to the plate and swinging for the fence. I suppose that I could stay on the injured list forever....or that I could just get up to bat and hope for a walk....using my grief as a crutch for not taking on any new dreams.....but to go back to school for my Phd...well, that's swinging for the fence....that's getting off the bench and back into the game.....and I think I need and want to do that.....I want to swing for the fence....even if I strike out or miss terribly, at least I will have tried. (side note: swinging for the fence is not about the glory of a home run...it's about the courage to swing like you mean it and to be determined to make the most out of what you've got....to leave it all on the field....to be able to say you gave it your all, held nothing back)
5. One other thing about going back to school.....it's the last dream that Brian and I shared that I could actually make happen. Brian always wanted me to go back to school (because that was who he was, always supportive of my dreams)...if he were here he would be pushing me out the door, saying GO FOR IT! All the other dreams that we had are gone except this one....and I think that makes it even more powerful for me....
6. I'd like to change my house a little....redo my bedroom a little and change his office to my office....this would mean taking down some of the pictures related to his businesses and personal stuff. There is a lot of emotion attached to making that decision....but I think I need to give myself permission to change some things....it is hard to give myself permission to move on....to put some things behind me....because it feels like I am saying that his life didn't matter.....but that is so far from the truth....I tend to connect "phsyical" things with him....and so, I am going to begin changing some things in the house....it just feels like time....
That's all for now...just had to get it out while it was fresh on my mind...
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