Staying Connected

I don't really understand how we are wired...but I am realizing that being "connected" to others is pretty important. I guess that is part of what I grieve for in the loss of Brian....I don't have that "and the two shall become one" connection anymore and I have found that losing that "oneness" is probably the most difficult part of this journey. Brian and I did a pretty good job of staying connected...we spent lots of time together...shared each other's dreams....and were partners in every sense of the word in our parenting and in the way we ran our household....I miss that....and I don't know that I will ever find that type of connection again....and that makes me incredibly sad.

And then I have to live this life knowing how much I should have appreciated what we had but not being able to do a darn thing about it....so what do you do with that??? You've learned the most difficult lesson of your life and what do you do with it?.....and so it makes me a little hardened sometimes to hear other people's gripes and complaints about their marriage, jobs, finances, or any of a hundred other struggles that seem insignificant to me now. Yet, I know that they don't get it either....and they won't until it is gone....and so it isn't even fair for me to think they should get it....because they just can't...and, on top of that, I wouldn't want them to get it...because then they would be like me....and I don't wish that on anybody.....

I love people...I love my friends...I love my family....I just get tired of grinning and bearing it sometimes....and if people weren't so important to me I'd probably tell them what I really think....just a random vent....I don't struggle a lot with jealousy...but every once in a while I am jealous of the marriages that others have....and I miss the one I used to have....and usually those thoughts pop in and out of my head and don't affect me much....but then other times it really gets to me....

But back to "staying connected"....I spent my whole day today trying to "reconnect" with my kids. I think I have been operating so much on auto pilot lately that I have missed the "connections" with my kids. So, today I tried to do something with each one of them that I know they enjoy. I asked Lexi to help me in the kitchen and then we cooked a fun dessert. She loves to work in the kitchen. She put on her little apron and we had a grand time. Braden and I washed the car in the street. It took ten times longer than if I had taken it to the car wash....but he had a great time squirting the car and me....Nathan loves movies so I watched an entire movie with him tonight. We watched "Astronaut Farmer" and it was pretty good....and, we also took a family bike ride tonight in the neighborhood.....so at the end of the day I am saying prayers and Lexi starts crying pretty hard. I ask her what is wrong and she says "I miss daddy".....I hugged her and told her it was ok to cry and then I laid down with her until she fell asleep....I don't usually do that but it felt like the thing to do tonight....

So, I sit here and I reflect on the day....and I realize that the parent/child connection is something I need to continue to work on....how often do I really take the time to lay aside my agenda and just focus on them....not often enough....it was a really good day....and I am even grateful that Lexi felt connected enough with me to share her emotions....I sometimes forget how powerful and necessary that connection is....

I am not of the opinion that kids should be the center of the universe or that everything should revolve around them....but I do feel pretty convicted that my kids need a strong connection with me...their only living parent....I do a lot to help them stay connected to their dad...we talk about him a lot, etc.....but I know I have fallen short in staying connected with them...really connected with them....because I have been too impatient and too distracted by my own grief.....

I'd like to change that....I think I can....today was a good day, and for that I am grateful....