This afternoon, Nathan and I will leave for children's camp. This will be Nathan's first camp as an official camper. He went several times when he was very, very young but never as a legit camper. My prayer for this week is that God will draw Nathan closer to Him and that I will be used in whatever way God desires. I am leading a small group of girls and my prayer for them is that this will be a spiritual benchmark week for them. Whatever needs they may have I pray that God will meet them where they are at and that this will be a spiritually memorable trip.
Pray for our safety....pray for God to move and work....
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A Braden Moment....
Today, Braden had a cavity filled at the pediatric dentist. He was very intrigued by what all they did to him but had a real problem with the fact that the dentist pinched him. I am assuming that he is talking about how a dentist pinches your cheek to put the shot of numbing agent in. He told me several times about the dentist pinching him and how much it hurt. I tried to explain it the best I could but he wasn't buying it. He didn't think dentists should be pinching people.So, tonight, he is sitting in the living room talking to himself (no one else is around). This is what he says: "When I grow up I am going to be a dentist....so I can PINCH people". I just happened to overhear it and had a big laugh.
Gotta love him....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Our Family
I am proud of our family.We are still a great family.
And...I really wish Nathan's hair was just a little bit shorter......he has a haircut appointment tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A Good Couple of Days
Just a few notable things.....
I enlisted a tutor for Lexi this summer to give us some accountability and to push her a little bit. I picked her up from the session yesterday and the teacher gave me her evaluation of where she was at. These were her exact words: "Lexi is a very strong reader". I thought I was going to stand up and do my endzone dance. I told the teacher that we had worked really hard this past year on her reading and she said "well, it shows because she is a very strong reader". Woooohoooo......high fives all around. Reading did not come easy for Lexi. We had to work HARD at it. (side note: this particular teacher has a reputation for being tough on kids so for her to compliment her was a shock)
Today I inquired about doing a directed study with my counselor (who is also a professor) related to crisis counseling. The response was very positive and I am excited about the vision that I have for what I want to develop/study during the Spring semester. I have all kinds of ideas and dreams...I am sure many of them will change or be adjusted but I see lots of potential and I am super excited about it.
Today I had an interesting phone call. I was told today that someone felt led to have someone clean my house on an every other week basis for the next six months. The person who is funding it wished to remain anonymous. I am blown away. I feel very overwhelmed by it. I am still trying to process it and the only thing I can come up with is that God is reminding me that he will give me everything I need in order to do what it is that He has called me to do. Earlier this year, I was given a summer's worth of free lawn care. It has been a HUGE blessing not to have to mow every week. I feel so blessed and unworthy of the generosity of people. I don't deserve all that has been given to me. I really don't. This is the part of the journey that other people don't always see or understand. Yes, I have been through a horrific tragedy. But, I have also experienced God's provision and grace in so many tangible ways. There is no telling how long the book would be if I sat down and wrote every nice thing that has been done for me or the kids over the past three years. There aren't words to describe what that has done for me and my confidence in God's presence in my life. He has used people to remind me of His care and comfort. I could never deny God's love for me and the kids....He has made it so obvious to me that He has been close to us through this whole ordeal.
Things have been just moving along so easily lately.....I don't expect that to become the norm, but I am very grateful for the calm waters.
Monday, June 23, 2008
The familiar new me
The past week I have felt so good. I don't know if it is post-anniversary relief or if this is a "familiar new me" emerging. While I feel a lot like my old self, I also see a new me that I am finding to be acceptable.
Everyone told me there would be a new normal....very few people mentioned a "new me" that might emerge.
I recognize the "familiar" me in the way I am dreaming again and desiring challenges to pursue.
To use an analogy.....I am walking forward confidently with very few obstacles in sight. For so long after Brian's death I either went backwards or crawled. Progress was hard to recognize. Then I began taking a few steps forward at a time....then falling back some....then getting back up and trying again....every time I made a little forward progress something happened to set me back. It was frustrating.
It feels so good to be moving forward.
I feel like I have worked through just about all of the things related to grieving Brian's death that I can. The rest, I believe, can only be done as life unfolds. There are very few remaining "issues" that bother me to the point of needing to work through it. There are still a lot of questions that have no answer. There are still times when I feel so alone. There are still frustrations and regret about being a single parent. I don't like the circumstances of my life but my life is not defined by those circumstances anymore. I am rebuilding a useful, joyous and purposeful life. I have done the hard part of making sure the foundation is solid and well-engineered. The structure is starting to emerge and the beauty from the ashes is becoming more evident.
This is one of those times when I take a glance back and I see how far we have come and it encourages me and inspires me to go further and maybe a little faster.
I don't know what God is doing in my life but he seems to be stirring some things up in me that haven't been touched in a long time. For that, I am grateful.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Three Cheers For My Kids!!!
Today was a fun day, but also a proud day for me. Lexi went swimming at the city pool with our neighbor and jumped off the high dive several times for the first time ever. Who knew she would/could do that? I am shocked that she did it, but also proud she tried something new and risky.
Nathan and Braden and I went to a lake party this evening with a group from our church. Both of the boys rode behind the boat on intertubes and got tossed and thrown high in the air over the waves and the other kids hanging on at the same time. They laughed and squealed with delight. I was amazed at how well they handled getting thrown off in the middle of the lake. I had a blast watching them be successful at something that looked pretty hairy at times. They came home telling tall stories about how they manhandled the intertube and caught some air.
All three of them pushed themselves today and they were successful....which creates confidence for them to continue to try new things...for that I am grateful.
And, it also hit me today that my kids need people in their life to drive the boat a little faster sometimes....I tend to try to keep things safe and comfortable for them.....I was reminded today that it is important to push the envelope a little here and there....it helps them grow....and maybe I need to learn how to find the healthy balance of safety/security and risk/growth.....
Nathan and Braden and I went to a lake party this evening with a group from our church. Both of the boys rode behind the boat on intertubes and got tossed and thrown high in the air over the waves and the other kids hanging on at the same time. They laughed and squealed with delight. I was amazed at how well they handled getting thrown off in the middle of the lake. I had a blast watching them be successful at something that looked pretty hairy at times. They came home telling tall stories about how they manhandled the intertube and caught some air.
All three of them pushed themselves today and they were successful....which creates confidence for them to continue to try new things...for that I am grateful.
And, it also hit me today that my kids need people in their life to drive the boat a little faster sometimes....I tend to try to keep things safe and comfortable for them.....I was reminded today that it is important to push the envelope a little here and there....it helps them grow....and maybe I need to learn how to find the healthy balance of safety/security and risk/growth.....
My head is full....
The past couple of days my mind has been full of thoughts and dreams. I kept thinking about that quote from the movie "The Rookie" where the dad tells him "it's ok to think about what you want to do someday until its time to start doing what you were meant to do". I can't get that out of my head.
I believe there are some new things that I am meant to do that I am not currently doing. I am having a hard time discerning whether the vision is of God or just a wild "shelly" idea. I suppose time will sift through the ideas and what is meant to be will be.
I think God may be leading me to be a part of some type of young widow ministry. I was thinking today how neat it would be to start some type of "grief camp" in the DFW area. To my knowledge, there is no such thing available to young families with children who experience the loss of a parent (in our immediate area).
The problem, of course, is time and resources. I can barely do all I am doing now in terms of time. And, resources, well that would be a God sized obstacle.
Who knows....maybe it is just a phase of thinking I am going through.....
I'll keep pondering.....
Thursday, June 19, 2008
What a difference three years makes....
It's been a strangely peaceful week for me. The emotions have been very manageable and almost non-existent. I haven't had to relive the week quite like I have had to the past two years. Our VBS isn't until August and so that tie-in has been absent and the drama factor has gone way, way down. I am thankful for that.
Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I haven't been emotional about it. I don't even feel bad that I don't feel emotional about it. It is just another day now. I suppose that is evidence of healing?? It's not that I don't wish things were different. I do. I hate the fact that we will never celebrate our 20th or 25th or 50th. I guess I could spent the rest of my life thinking that wasn't fair (which it isn't) or I can try to accept and appreciate our marriage for what it was...not what it could have been or should have been. It was what it was....and now life is what it is.....
I truly believe that my focus needs to be on the present and future and not on the past. I have nothing to gain by always looking in the rearview mirror. I am trying to keep my eyes fixed ahead.
Brian's parents came into town last night and spent the night. It was ok. Again, I didn't feel emotional but I did enjoy talking with them. They are very supportive and encouraging. I don't even really feel like I need to prove my loyalty to them anymore. I think we have developed a post-Brian relationship that is healthy and positive for me and the kids. For that, I am very grateful. We always had a great relationship, but I feel like they are giving me room to change and grow. I don't feel like they want me to keep everything the same....how that happens I am not sure but we seem to have made a transition in our relationship.
My mom is coming in tonight late and I have to pick her up at the airport. I won't have time to really think about the fact that it is our anniversary....I'll be too tired to cry about it when I get home.....and, to be honest, I don't feel the need to be sad about it. I hope that isn't because I am trying to shut off the emotions. I think it is just another sign of the pain subsiding....and for that, yep, I am grateful.
Three years makes a lot of difference. I am thankful for the time that has passed. I look forward to where I will be at this time next year.
Father's Day, Anniversary of his death and our wedding anniversary....they all come within about 5 days of each other every year. We've made it past year three and for that I am grateful....and hopeful!!!
Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I haven't been emotional about it. I don't even feel bad that I don't feel emotional about it. It is just another day now. I suppose that is evidence of healing?? It's not that I don't wish things were different. I do. I hate the fact that we will never celebrate our 20th or 25th or 50th. I guess I could spent the rest of my life thinking that wasn't fair (which it isn't) or I can try to accept and appreciate our marriage for what it was...not what it could have been or should have been. It was what it was....and now life is what it is.....
I truly believe that my focus needs to be on the present and future and not on the past. I have nothing to gain by always looking in the rearview mirror. I am trying to keep my eyes fixed ahead.
Brian's parents came into town last night and spent the night. It was ok. Again, I didn't feel emotional but I did enjoy talking with them. They are very supportive and encouraging. I don't even really feel like I need to prove my loyalty to them anymore. I think we have developed a post-Brian relationship that is healthy and positive for me and the kids. For that, I am very grateful. We always had a great relationship, but I feel like they are giving me room to change and grow. I don't feel like they want me to keep everything the same....how that happens I am not sure but we seem to have made a transition in our relationship.
My mom is coming in tonight late and I have to pick her up at the airport. I won't have time to really think about the fact that it is our anniversary....I'll be too tired to cry about it when I get home.....and, to be honest, I don't feel the need to be sad about it. I hope that isn't because I am trying to shut off the emotions. I think it is just another sign of the pain subsiding....and for that, yep, I am grateful.
Three years makes a lot of difference. I am thankful for the time that has passed. I look forward to where I will be at this time next year.
Father's Day, Anniversary of his death and our wedding anniversary....they all come within about 5 days of each other every year. We've made it past year three and for that I am grateful....and hopeful!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Three years later....
I remember sitting in my bathroom with my back against the counter with my head in my hands wondering how I would ever make it through what had just happened. I remember my mom and dad coming through my front door about 5 hours after the news hit (they live in Oklahoma and got here as fast as they could). We embraced and I fell apart. I remember my dad pulling me back into my bedroom with my mom and sitting on the bed sobbing while he held me. There were all kinds of people in my house that night and he wanted to talk with me privately. He had lots of questions and concerns and the longer we talked the calmer I felt myself getting. My dad told me in no uncertain terms that he would take care of me and the kids no matter what happened. He told me that he would make sure we had everything we ever needed. I remember him saying "Shelly, no one is going to hurt you and your babies...no one Shelly....look at me, no one is going to get to you because they are going to have to go through me first....." I already knew that the wreck had been Brian's fault and I was terrified that there was going to be a huge lawsuit and that I wouldn't be able to take care of the financial needs that we would have. Brian made a split second mistake that took his life and injured two other people. We all make mistakes, most of them don't have the kind of ramifications this mistake had.
I also remember a lady from my church coming to visit me that night. She had lost her husband at about the same age as me and had three small children at the time of her husband's death. I remember seeing her and immediately wanting to talk to her and hear what she had to say. She hugged me and I told her "I just don't know what to do". She told me "this will be the hardest thing you have ever faced but you will make it through this." She didn't sugar coat it but she also gave me some hope that night. It was hope that I desperately needed. I appreciate her willingness to come see me and offer her support. I didn't know her real well but I knew some of her story and respected her a great deal before Brian's death.
If I said it once that day I said it at least 50 times...."I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do".....For me, not knowing what to do was so frightening. I was completely lost....completely blown away....unable to think clearly....unable to rest or relax....it was the most horrific experience of my life.
I look back now and wonder how I made it through those first few days and weeks. I was consumed with worry....heartbroken....and completely overwhelmed. Brian left me two businesses to deal with and I had no clue about either one of them. I wasn't even on the checking account for either business so we had no way to get to the money until I went through probate almost 3 months later. It was a nightmare.
There is no explanation for how I made it through that nightmare except by the grace of God. My blog is aptly titled "evidence of grace". There is no doubt that is only by God's grace and mercy that we are where we are today. I found God's grace in the friends and family who have walked beside me in this journey. I found God's grace in the people of my church who gave me an experience I will never, ever forget. I have never in all my life felt more loved and supported than I did those first few days and weeks. I could write a book about all the ways God used the people in my church to minister to me and the kids. Literally, it would be a book. It was absolutely the most amazing, overwhelming sense of God's grace that I have ever experienced.
So, three years later...where am I in this journey? I am further than I ever thought possible. I am dreaming again. I am living in the moment. My kids are doing well. They have been unbelievably resilient. They still hurt and the impact is huge, but they are thriving. I have found a new normal and I am content with it. Sure there are many days when I feel alone, but, I know I can't go back...my only choices are to stay stuck or to move forward. I am choosing to move forward. It feels ok now to think about moving forward. I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I realize that it is because of Brian's love and influence that we are able to move forward. There is no unfinished business with Brian. There is, however, much unfinished business in my life in terms of the life I am building with my three kids.
I do still feel a little uncomfortable with the whole "single parent" role I am now in. I don't like it but I am learning to do it. I wish I didn't have to parent my kids alone. But, that is what is being required of me right now and I am trying to do the very best job that I can.
I still hate being a landlord. I am hopeful that someday soon I will have an opportunity to sell the properties that I have. Until then, I am trying to do the best job that I can.
Where do I hope to be this time next year? I hope that God's grace continues to guide me and minister to me. I hope that my kids continue to thrive. I hope that God continues to teach me new things about Himself and His faithfulness. I pray that I will have the courage to follow His lead in my life.
I also remember a lady from my church coming to visit me that night. She had lost her husband at about the same age as me and had three small children at the time of her husband's death. I remember seeing her and immediately wanting to talk to her and hear what she had to say. She hugged me and I told her "I just don't know what to do". She told me "this will be the hardest thing you have ever faced but you will make it through this." She didn't sugar coat it but she also gave me some hope that night. It was hope that I desperately needed. I appreciate her willingness to come see me and offer her support. I didn't know her real well but I knew some of her story and respected her a great deal before Brian's death.
If I said it once that day I said it at least 50 times...."I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do".....For me, not knowing what to do was so frightening. I was completely lost....completely blown away....unable to think clearly....unable to rest or relax....it was the most horrific experience of my life.
I look back now and wonder how I made it through those first few days and weeks. I was consumed with worry....heartbroken....and completely overwhelmed. Brian left me two businesses to deal with and I had no clue about either one of them. I wasn't even on the checking account for either business so we had no way to get to the money until I went through probate almost 3 months later. It was a nightmare.
There is no explanation for how I made it through that nightmare except by the grace of God. My blog is aptly titled "evidence of grace". There is no doubt that is only by God's grace and mercy that we are where we are today. I found God's grace in the friends and family who have walked beside me in this journey. I found God's grace in the people of my church who gave me an experience I will never, ever forget. I have never in all my life felt more loved and supported than I did those first few days and weeks. I could write a book about all the ways God used the people in my church to minister to me and the kids. Literally, it would be a book. It was absolutely the most amazing, overwhelming sense of God's grace that I have ever experienced.
So, three years later...where am I in this journey? I am further than I ever thought possible. I am dreaming again. I am living in the moment. My kids are doing well. They have been unbelievably resilient. They still hurt and the impact is huge, but they are thriving. I have found a new normal and I am content with it. Sure there are many days when I feel alone, but, I know I can't go back...my only choices are to stay stuck or to move forward. I am choosing to move forward. It feels ok now to think about moving forward. I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I realize that it is because of Brian's love and influence that we are able to move forward. There is no unfinished business with Brian. There is, however, much unfinished business in my life in terms of the life I am building with my three kids.
I do still feel a little uncomfortable with the whole "single parent" role I am now in. I don't like it but I am learning to do it. I wish I didn't have to parent my kids alone. But, that is what is being required of me right now and I am trying to do the very best job that I can.
I still hate being a landlord. I am hopeful that someday soon I will have an opportunity to sell the properties that I have. Until then, I am trying to do the best job that I can.
Where do I hope to be this time next year? I hope that God's grace continues to guide me and minister to me. I hope that my kids continue to thrive. I hope that God continues to teach me new things about Himself and His faithfulness. I pray that I will have the courage to follow His lead in my life.
My relationship with God has undergone a lot of adjustments. I have had to redefine my faith. God didn't change but the way I think about Him has changed. I believe my understanding of Him has grown in positive ways. However, it has been a painfully slow process. I have questioned His ways....but I have never been able to question His character. For that....I am extremely grateful.....
We are where we are today because we took it one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one month and one year at a time. We worked through mountains of paperwork one piece of paper at a time. We closed out Brian's home building business one transaction at a time. We solved problems in Granbury one issue at a time. I began to heal one day at a time. I have now spent almost three years in grief counseling. I showed up for every appointment. I never canceled one session. I worked hard at trying to heal. I will continue to work hard at overcoming this tragedy in my life......because......I made a promise early on to myself and to my family that "we were going to be more than just ok". And.... We REALLY ARE "more than just ok"....we have more than survived this.....Brian's death will not define me but God has used it to refine me.....and for that, yes, I am grateful....
There is much refining left to do......I have come a long way but there is still a long ways to go.....may God continue to give me grace for the journey.....
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Reflections on Father's Day
I was in the car driving 12 hours today from Florida to Texas. In between refereeing the spats in the back of the Tahoe, I had quite a bit of time to reflect on our vacation, on Father's Day and on the 3 year anniversary of Brian's death (tomorrow, June 16th).
My thoughts varied from sadness to gratitude to determination. I have chosen to be on vacation for each of the past three Father's Days. I see no point in making my kids go to church where they would most likely be asked to make some type of Father's Day gift or card. It's just not an obstacle I have wanted to overcome. I am sure there will come a time when that will feel "ok" but it wasn't this year.
So, there is definitely sadness. I wish my kids still had his influence and love. I can't help but think there will be some significant impact on their lives as they grow up without their father. Most of the time I choose to put these worries in the back of my mind. Father's Day forces the issue and forces me to think about it.
But, there is also gratitude. I am so grateful for Brian's life and his devotion to me and the kids. In as much as I know my kids are missing out on his influence, I am also keenly aware that the impact of his life will never be forgotten or adequately measured. He was one of the best Father's I have ever known. I remember when we first started dating and it seemed to be getting pretty serious. I have to admit that one of the things that most attracted me to him (besides his cute legs) was the fact that I could just tell he was going to be an awesome father. In my list of what I wanted in a husband it was extremely important that whoever I marry love children....and Brian fit the bill perfectly. He was so gentle and patient with the kids. His parenting skills were one of his greatest strengths and I loved him for that!
Finally, there is some determination. I was listening to the movie "The Rookie" in the car on the way home (the kids were watching it) when I heard this statement made by the Rookie's dad....."it's ok to think about what you want to do someday, until it's time to start doing what you were meant to do..." I've got some dreams and desires...and I think it's time to start doing some of them. Starting back to school was a big step in the right direction. I will continue to work slowly at my education. However, I think there are some things that I am "meant" to do that I need to start "doing". Some of that is yet to be revealed, but some of it I already know....I am determined to do whatever it is that I was "meant" to do in life. I don't think it means any big, major changes in my life right now.....but there might come a time when I need to take a risk and make some bold moves. I want to allow God to use the circumstances of my life to bring Him glory. God has been faithful to me and I want to be faithful to Him.
I posted this picture (see above) because it represents some of who I am becoming. This was taken yesterday on a boat in Destin where we were taking a break from snorkeling (gotta love how I look when I have just spent an hour floating around in salt water). I woke up on Saturday not really knowing what we would do for the day. The kids wanted to go to a waterpark in Destin. I didn't want to do that but I did want to find something special to do on our last day in Destin. To make a long story short, we ended up going snorkeling and having the time of our life. Why is that important? I didn't realize it until today (on my LOOOOONG drive home) but I have actually learned how to be a little spontaneous and risky. To be sure, spontaneity is not an adjective that anyone who knows me well would describe me as. I plan everything. I weigh the pros and cons....calculate the risk and expense and then make my decision. Brian, on the other hand, was the fun and spontaneous parent. It has been challenging for me to try to take on some of that role. But, I did it yesterday and I actually enjoyed it. It was risky in the sense that I had no idea if the kids would like it or would even be able to do it. I didn't know anything about the company that we went out with and we did it all on our own. This is huge progress for me. It may sound silly....but I am proud of myself for taking the risk and being spontaneous. I asked the kids on the way home what their favorite thing was that we did.....yep, it was "snorkeling". We created a great memory as our little family of four. I will never forget their squeals of delight as they saw so many different fish. We had a BLAST!!!
So, those are my reflections on this Father's Day 2008. Sadness, gratitude, determination and even a little dose of risk and spontaneity.
Tomorrow it will be three years. Some reflections on three years in the next post.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Ahhh....Vacation
Despite my frustrations shared in the last post....we ARE having a GREAT time!
Today we have a sandcastle lesson at noon.....
This morning, Nathan left with my neighbor and his two older kids to go deep sea fishing.....it will be fun to hear their tall fish tales....
Tonight, Lexi gets her one request...to go on a dolphin cruise....
Braden......I have been trying to teach him how to swim at the pool...to be such a big kid, he really is afraid of the water without his lifejacket....
Oh....and we added 4 new family members....the kids have caught some hermit crabs out of the ocean.....and I let them buy a cage for them last night....what WAS I thinking?
Here's to a great day.......
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Fun at the beach...
We're having fun at the beach....it's been great until today when I got internet access and checked my work email.....
I should know better than to check my work email. Why is it that things always happen when I am gone? The one Sunday that I leave early because I am sick I get a scathing email about something that happened about thirty minutes after I left. This is why I sometimes wonder why I continue to do what I do. It's not that we get many complaints because we really don't....it's that I feel like I can never be gone...there has to be someone there who can put out the fires...and I guess I haven't done a good job of training someone else to do that....and, though it would be nice...I can't control everything that happens...whether I am there or not.....we have great volunteers who do an amazing job....and they get very little appreciation.....and when something does go wrong people are ruthless about making their complaints known....whatever happened to just picking up the phone to talk about an issue they are concerned about? I think I am easy to talk to....I don't understand why people come out with their guns blazing about issues they will forget ever happened in about a month or so...
Arrrrghhhh......can't wait to get back to Texas to deal with this one....
But, we are having fun at the beach....
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Out of pocket for a few days....
It's been a busy few days....we celebrated Braden's 5th birthday and Nathan's belated birthday at the Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine...it was great fun.
I came home not feeling so hot...ended up at CareNow today....three prescriptions later and I think I am on the mend...
Tomorrow we leave for Fort Walton Beach to get away for a few days....I am looking forward to spending some time with the kids...but also hoping I am going to feel well enough to enjoy it...antiobiotics do wonders...so I am hopeful.
I asked Nathan and Lexi to pray for me that I would feel better for our vacation tonight...they did and it was a sweet moment to hear them pray for me...
I saw where Marsha, one of my daily reads, awarded me a blogging award. Thanks Marsha...I haven't had a chance to respond and I don't know if we will have internet at our condo...so forgive me for not following the directions you posted....I will eventually get to it...I have gained great insight from Marsha...she was widowed about the same time I was and although we have never met there is a connection that has been beneficial to me in this unwanted journey....
So, if I get a chance I will be posting...but if not, see ya in about a week....
Vacations at the beach....for that I am grateful!
I came home not feeling so hot...ended up at CareNow today....three prescriptions later and I think I am on the mend...
Tomorrow we leave for Fort Walton Beach to get away for a few days....I am looking forward to spending some time with the kids...but also hoping I am going to feel well enough to enjoy it...antiobiotics do wonders...so I am hopeful.
I asked Nathan and Lexi to pray for me that I would feel better for our vacation tonight...they did and it was a sweet moment to hear them pray for me...
I saw where Marsha, one of my daily reads, awarded me a blogging award. Thanks Marsha...I haven't had a chance to respond and I don't know if we will have internet at our condo...so forgive me for not following the directions you posted....I will eventually get to it...I have gained great insight from Marsha...she was widowed about the same time I was and although we have never met there is a connection that has been beneficial to me in this unwanted journey....
So, if I get a chance I will be posting...but if not, see ya in about a week....
Vacations at the beach....for that I am grateful!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
My journal about the kids....
In addition to the three journals I wrote, I also wrote in a separate journal about my kids and their experience with Brian's death. Here are some of the questions and comments that the kids made to me during those first few days and weeks:
Lexi: Is daddy going to come back alive like Jesus did? How did daddy get to heaven?
Nathan: We are going to have to get someone else to do the music for AWANA.
Nathan: I wish there hadn't been any cars on the road.
Lexi: The people who crashed into him were mean.
Lexi: Are we at heaven? She asked me this when we got out of the car at the cemetary for the burial. She was also in a hurry to "see the box that daddy was in". She wanted to know why we couldn't open the box. "How is daddy in heaven if his body is in the box? Can we go to heaven and pick him up? Why can't he come home from heaven? Can we go to heaven now?"
Lexi: My daddy is in heaven. He has a new body.
Lexi: Mommy, why have you been crying this week?
Lexi: How does God make him alive again and how does he make a new body? Does it hurt when God gets his spirit out of his body? Does God cut his spirit out? Where does he get his spirit out? His legs or his head?
6-22-2005
Lexi: Is God going to make us a new daddy? I want God to make me a new daddy.
At one point I was trying to reassure the kids that we were still going to do fun things and that we were going to be a happy family. Lexi asked, "Do YOU know how to get to Six Flags?" She knew that her daddy always drove when we went to Six Flags so I guess she was making sure I knew the way.
6-24-2005
Nathan had an accident in the middle of the night. He had already washed his underwear out and was trying to clean up the mess when I heard him and woke up.
6-26-2005
Lexi is talking a lot about it. Nathan is saying very little. Braden keeps asking for his daddy. They are still acting like kids---playing, swimming, fishing....
I am trying to be very open about it. I encourage whatever they say. I don't want them to be afraid to talk about their daddy. We will keep his memory alive.
6-27-2005
Not a lot to write about today. nathan is not talking about it very much. Lexi has not had as many questions. I was very preoccupied today with "business stuff" and I wasn't as in tune with their needs and discussions. I don't know if the reality has really hit them yet. I am sure that when everything calms down things will be tough.
My main goal for them is to work through whatever feelings they have without feeling hopeless. I want them to understand more about the love of God through this. I want them to know why everyone is being so nice to us...because of the love of God.
6-28-2005
Nathan wanted to pray for daddy tonight in his bedtime prayers...it caught me off guard a bit so I just prayed that God would take good care of daddy. We talked just a little bit about missing him.
Nathan had another accident while he was swimming with some friends. I don't know if this is related or not but it is the second time in a week.
Braden sees a red truck, any red truck and says "daddy's truck" I just say no, that's not daddys truck. Not sure what else to say...he can't understand the reality of death.
7-1-2005
Today seemed to be a tough day for the kids. nathan was on edge about everything...any little thing set him off. Lexi keeps complaining about a tummy ache..I don't know if all of this is making her tummy hurt or what...Braden continues to get excited when he sees a red truck.
Nathan made a note and gave it to me that said "I love dad" I told him how proud I was of him, told him that anytime he feels like he needs to talk about his daddy, write about daddy, draw about daddy, etc...that that is how we would remember him and get through this.
When we were at my parents house Lexi heard a message on my parents answering machine that said something about "Brian". She asked who was that, was that daddy, was he calling us from heaven? She is still trying to figure it out. She told someone that she was crying because somebody ran over my daddy.
Lexi wanted to sleep with me last night. I finally gave in but I don't want to go backwards in their sleeping routines.
7-2-2005
Nathan told me that he played some notes on the piano that sounded like "I love daddy" I keep encouraging him to do and say things like that.
Lexi thinks that if God would give daddy a new truck he could come back home.
7-3-2005
Every morning the first thing out of Braden's mouth is "daddy, daddy, where's daddy?" All I know to say is He's not here, he's not here. I can't say it yet to him. I just can't get the words out to him that daddy is dead. So, I just say daddy isn't here. He can't understand it yet.....and for some reason I am having an extremely difficult time knowing how to address Braden's questions...I don't know if I am doing the right thing or making things worse....I am so lost....
Lexi: Is daddy going to come back alive like Jesus did? How did daddy get to heaven?
Nathan: We are going to have to get someone else to do the music for AWANA.
Nathan: I wish there hadn't been any cars on the road.
Lexi: The people who crashed into him were mean.
Lexi: Are we at heaven? She asked me this when we got out of the car at the cemetary for the burial. She was also in a hurry to "see the box that daddy was in". She wanted to know why we couldn't open the box. "How is daddy in heaven if his body is in the box? Can we go to heaven and pick him up? Why can't he come home from heaven? Can we go to heaven now?"
Lexi: My daddy is in heaven. He has a new body.
Lexi: Mommy, why have you been crying this week?
Lexi: How does God make him alive again and how does he make a new body? Does it hurt when God gets his spirit out of his body? Does God cut his spirit out? Where does he get his spirit out? His legs or his head?
6-22-2005
Lexi: Is God going to make us a new daddy? I want God to make me a new daddy.
At one point I was trying to reassure the kids that we were still going to do fun things and that we were going to be a happy family. Lexi asked, "Do YOU know how to get to Six Flags?" She knew that her daddy always drove when we went to Six Flags so I guess she was making sure I knew the way.
6-24-2005
Nathan had an accident in the middle of the night. He had already washed his underwear out and was trying to clean up the mess when I heard him and woke up.
6-26-2005
Lexi is talking a lot about it. Nathan is saying very little. Braden keeps asking for his daddy. They are still acting like kids---playing, swimming, fishing....
I am trying to be very open about it. I encourage whatever they say. I don't want them to be afraid to talk about their daddy. We will keep his memory alive.
6-27-2005
Not a lot to write about today. nathan is not talking about it very much. Lexi has not had as many questions. I was very preoccupied today with "business stuff" and I wasn't as in tune with their needs and discussions. I don't know if the reality has really hit them yet. I am sure that when everything calms down things will be tough.
My main goal for them is to work through whatever feelings they have without feeling hopeless. I want them to understand more about the love of God through this. I want them to know why everyone is being so nice to us...because of the love of God.
6-28-2005
Nathan wanted to pray for daddy tonight in his bedtime prayers...it caught me off guard a bit so I just prayed that God would take good care of daddy. We talked just a little bit about missing him.
Nathan had another accident while he was swimming with some friends. I don't know if this is related or not but it is the second time in a week.
Braden sees a red truck, any red truck and says "daddy's truck" I just say no, that's not daddys truck. Not sure what else to say...he can't understand the reality of death.
7-1-2005
Today seemed to be a tough day for the kids. nathan was on edge about everything...any little thing set him off. Lexi keeps complaining about a tummy ache..I don't know if all of this is making her tummy hurt or what...Braden continues to get excited when he sees a red truck.
Nathan made a note and gave it to me that said "I love dad" I told him how proud I was of him, told him that anytime he feels like he needs to talk about his daddy, write about daddy, draw about daddy, etc...that that is how we would remember him and get through this.
When we were at my parents house Lexi heard a message on my parents answering machine that said something about "Brian". She asked who was that, was that daddy, was he calling us from heaven? She is still trying to figure it out. She told someone that she was crying because somebody ran over my daddy.
Lexi wanted to sleep with me last night. I finally gave in but I don't want to go backwards in their sleeping routines.
7-2-2005
Nathan told me that he played some notes on the piano that sounded like "I love daddy" I keep encouraging him to do and say things like that.
Lexi thinks that if God would give daddy a new truck he could come back home.
7-3-2005
Every morning the first thing out of Braden's mouth is "daddy, daddy, where's daddy?" All I know to say is He's not here, he's not here. I can't say it yet to him. I just can't get the words out to him that daddy is dead. So, I just say daddy isn't here. He can't understand it yet.....and for some reason I am having an extremely difficult time knowing how to address Braden's questions...I don't know if I am doing the right thing or making things worse....I am so lost....
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
More entries...
7-1-2005
Today was not as good as yesterday. I got some good rest but I am on edge emotionally. I found myself fighting back tears a lot. The kids are doing and saying things that make it hard for me to avoid becoming emotional. They are reminding me of the reality of what has happened.
7-2-2005
Today was a better day. I got out of the house and ran errands with Kathy. We went to see a movie---that was nice.
I went with Debbie to the airport tonight to pick up Tyler (my nephew). He had been on a trip to Florida with his Boy Scout troop. It was hard to watch everyone reuniting with their loved ones at the airport....knowing my kids would never enjoy the embrace of their dad again...understanding that Brian would never be there waiting for me to come home....
7-4-2005
I don't want my kids to use this tragedy as a crutch for the rest of their lives. I don't want people to feel sorry for them or expect less of them. I want them to fulfill God's greatest desire for their lives...
It's 3:45am and I am awake. Sleep is a hard thing to get enough of...
Today we are going back to Texas...we have been here for the fourth of July...it's time to start dealing with reality again.
I want to go back to work but I don't know how I can manage everything. It always took both of us to get the kids ready in the morning....Brian always took care of them on Sunday afternoon so I could do counseling....The question is not whether I want to come back to work...I do...the question is "How can I come back?" I don't want to impose on others and become a burden. God send me someone to help me with this. How do I go back to work and minister to others when I am so wounded and hurt? No one understands that I have nothing to give...yet I need the job and ministry...help me to know when I can minister again...
For you are God alone...since before time began...you were on your throne...you are God alone......The words to this song echo in my head over and over again. What will the meaning be in this happening? Why did this happen?
I don't understand...I don't understand....My whole life has been changed...nothing will ever be the same...I want to be happy, I want my kids to be happy---how do we do that? Show your hand God...show your hand...I know you are right here...your presence is overwhelming and such a comfort.
What is it going to be like to be alone? What will it be like when mom and dad have gone home and everyone has forgotten about our struggles? I have been constantly surrounded by people since June 16th....I am afraid of being alone...I don't know if I can do it....I'm scared.....I dread it.....
I've got to try to get some rest....my thoughts are becoming irrational....
Today was not as good as yesterday. I got some good rest but I am on edge emotionally. I found myself fighting back tears a lot. The kids are doing and saying things that make it hard for me to avoid becoming emotional. They are reminding me of the reality of what has happened.
7-2-2005
Today was a better day. I got out of the house and ran errands with Kathy. We went to see a movie---that was nice.
I went with Debbie to the airport tonight to pick up Tyler (my nephew). He had been on a trip to Florida with his Boy Scout troop. It was hard to watch everyone reuniting with their loved ones at the airport....knowing my kids would never enjoy the embrace of their dad again...understanding that Brian would never be there waiting for me to come home....
7-4-2005
I don't want my kids to use this tragedy as a crutch for the rest of their lives. I don't want people to feel sorry for them or expect less of them. I want them to fulfill God's greatest desire for their lives...
It's 3:45am and I am awake. Sleep is a hard thing to get enough of...
Today we are going back to Texas...we have been here for the fourth of July...it's time to start dealing with reality again.
I want to go back to work but I don't know how I can manage everything. It always took both of us to get the kids ready in the morning....Brian always took care of them on Sunday afternoon so I could do counseling....The question is not whether I want to come back to work...I do...the question is "How can I come back?" I don't want to impose on others and become a burden. God send me someone to help me with this. How do I go back to work and minister to others when I am so wounded and hurt? No one understands that I have nothing to give...yet I need the job and ministry...help me to know when I can minister again...
For you are God alone...since before time began...you were on your throne...you are God alone......The words to this song echo in my head over and over again. What will the meaning be in this happening? Why did this happen?
I don't understand...I don't understand....My whole life has been changed...nothing will ever be the same...I want to be happy, I want my kids to be happy---how do we do that? Show your hand God...show your hand...I know you are right here...your presence is overwhelming and such a comfort.
What is it going to be like to be alone? What will it be like when mom and dad have gone home and everyone has forgotten about our struggles? I have been constantly surrounded by people since June 16th....I am afraid of being alone...I don't know if I can do it....I'm scared.....I dread it.....
I've got to try to get some rest....my thoughts are becoming irrational....
Monday, June 02, 2008
A look back....
In two weeks it will have been three years since Brian's death. I have been looking through some old journals and thought I would share some of them here. I have three handwritten journals that I used shortly after his death. I didn't start blogging until much later on. I think I want to have them recorded electronically as well as the handwritten ones so that I can be sure my kids are able to read them at a point in their life where it might be helpful.
Here are some of the things I jotted down just a couple of days after his death....they are very random and not all that organized or coherent, but here is what was going through my mind....
6/22/2005
I can't see past tomorrow.....I can't think past today....the pain of this moment almost carries me away....
Tragedy has no boundaries and follows no predictable path.
How I respond will impact my children.
This tragedy will not define who I am or who I become---it only defines the circumstances of my life right now.
His presence is more powerful than the pain I am experiencing.
God, if there is a way for this tragedy to be used for your glory, then I pray it would. Help my children see your love through all these people who are ministering to us right now.
6/26/2005
I am ready to go back home to Texas. We will leave this morning. I miss the routine and the comfortable surroundings. It will be hard to walk back through the door and face the reality of the loss we have experienced. I pray for God's continued comfort and peace.
(that night...) We are back home. It feels pretty good to be here but a little overwhelming. I was immediately drawn back into all the worries and concerns surrounding our lives right now. I wish so badly that the wreck had not been Brian's fault. Everything would have been so much simpler. I can't seem to shake off all the worries about the legal ramifications of the wreck. I came to a peace tonight when I was finally able to say..."no matter what happens. No matter what I may lose materially or financially, I'm still one of the riches people I know---rich in love and memories that can never be taken away."
6/27/2005
Today was a hard day. We spent all day long meeting with people, gathering facts, asking questions and trying to make some decisions. Anxiety is my enemy right now. I find it difficult to relax and be still. My mind swirls with questions and fears. Please God protect me and provide for the other people who were injured. I know you can make all things work together for your God.
God, through this experience you are giving me a voice and an influence to share my testimony of your grace. Help me to be faithful to you and willing to share this experience with others. God, I pray you would guide my future. Help me to know where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to become. Thank you for the gift of my children. Help me to be sensitive to their needs right now.
6/28/2005
A really tough day. Lots of legal battles/issues ahead. Conclusion I came to: When everything is said and done, whatever I have will be enough.
I'm not sleeping---too many thoughts---need to get some rest but I just can't.
God, you know the legal and financial issues that are before me---please help me to trust you with the results.
6/29/2005
When I go out in public I have this paranoia that people are staring at me and thinking "that's the lady whose husband was killed in a car accident..." Those kind of thoughts are not healthy. I also dread seeing anyone I know. I dread it when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door...it feels like another slap in the face of reality that something tragic has happened in our lives.....the numbness is still there...I try to block out the pain and loneliness...someday it will catch up with me...I pray I will be strong enough to handle it.
6/30/2005
Today was my best day yet. I got my first night of good sleep and that made all the difference in the world.
We went next door for ice cream and to let the kids play on the waterslide. Kelli was concerned it would be too painful for me to see them playing on it since Brian had just bought it for them. I told her no I just wanted to see the kids happy.
Nathan had a few outbursts today. I don't know if he was tired or if some of this is beginning to hit home. He got mad at Lexi for sitting in his booster seat and yelled at her "that's the seat my daddy bought for me". I am sure the days ahead will continue to be tougher as reality sets in.
I went up to the church today to try to help Laura with devotions for camp and reassure her that it would be a great week. It felt really good to see everyone, laugh a little, work a little...I felt like I had accomplished something and was needed.
7/04/2005
There are times when all I do is stare out into space. I play over and over in my head all that has happened. I replay the conversation I had with Stephanie when she called. I replay every moment at the hospital. I remember feeling like my legs went out from under me when the Dr. came in and told me the news. I remember coming out of the restroom a few minutes later and saying to Laura "I think my whole life just changed....."
Those are a few of the posts just days/weeks after his death.....I may continue to post others....mainly to add to this digital record I have of the journey....
Most of the things I worried about never came to fruition. The other men in the accident made full recoveries and were able to settle with my insurance company without having to bring a lawsuit against Brian's estate. Many of my prayers were answered. I can look back and see His faithfulness and goodness and mercy and comfort and...and...and....I could go on....and for that I am so grateful.
Looking back stirs up the memories but it also reminds me of how far we have come....and I think when I can look back and recognize God's hand instead of focusing so much on the painful memories...that's when I know I have done a lot of healing....and for that I am extremely grateful.
Here are some of the things I jotted down just a couple of days after his death....they are very random and not all that organized or coherent, but here is what was going through my mind....
6/22/2005
I can't see past tomorrow.....I can't think past today....the pain of this moment almost carries me away....
Tragedy has no boundaries and follows no predictable path.
How I respond will impact my children.
This tragedy will not define who I am or who I become---it only defines the circumstances of my life right now.
His presence is more powerful than the pain I am experiencing.
God, if there is a way for this tragedy to be used for your glory, then I pray it would. Help my children see your love through all these people who are ministering to us right now.
6/26/2005
I am ready to go back home to Texas. We will leave this morning. I miss the routine and the comfortable surroundings. It will be hard to walk back through the door and face the reality of the loss we have experienced. I pray for God's continued comfort and peace.
(that night...) We are back home. It feels pretty good to be here but a little overwhelming. I was immediately drawn back into all the worries and concerns surrounding our lives right now. I wish so badly that the wreck had not been Brian's fault. Everything would have been so much simpler. I can't seem to shake off all the worries about the legal ramifications of the wreck. I came to a peace tonight when I was finally able to say..."no matter what happens. No matter what I may lose materially or financially, I'm still one of the riches people I know---rich in love and memories that can never be taken away."
6/27/2005
Today was a hard day. We spent all day long meeting with people, gathering facts, asking questions and trying to make some decisions. Anxiety is my enemy right now. I find it difficult to relax and be still. My mind swirls with questions and fears. Please God protect me and provide for the other people who were injured. I know you can make all things work together for your God.
God, through this experience you are giving me a voice and an influence to share my testimony of your grace. Help me to be faithful to you and willing to share this experience with others. God, I pray you would guide my future. Help me to know where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to become. Thank you for the gift of my children. Help me to be sensitive to their needs right now.
6/28/2005
A really tough day. Lots of legal battles/issues ahead. Conclusion I came to: When everything is said and done, whatever I have will be enough.
I'm not sleeping---too many thoughts---need to get some rest but I just can't.
God, you know the legal and financial issues that are before me---please help me to trust you with the results.
6/29/2005
When I go out in public I have this paranoia that people are staring at me and thinking "that's the lady whose husband was killed in a car accident..." Those kind of thoughts are not healthy. I also dread seeing anyone I know. I dread it when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door...it feels like another slap in the face of reality that something tragic has happened in our lives.....the numbness is still there...I try to block out the pain and loneliness...someday it will catch up with me...I pray I will be strong enough to handle it.
6/30/2005
Today was my best day yet. I got my first night of good sleep and that made all the difference in the world.
We went next door for ice cream and to let the kids play on the waterslide. Kelli was concerned it would be too painful for me to see them playing on it since Brian had just bought it for them. I told her no I just wanted to see the kids happy.
Nathan had a few outbursts today. I don't know if he was tired or if some of this is beginning to hit home. He got mad at Lexi for sitting in his booster seat and yelled at her "that's the seat my daddy bought for me". I am sure the days ahead will continue to be tougher as reality sets in.
I went up to the church today to try to help Laura with devotions for camp and reassure her that it would be a great week. It felt really good to see everyone, laugh a little, work a little...I felt like I had accomplished something and was needed.
7/04/2005
There are times when all I do is stare out into space. I play over and over in my head all that has happened. I replay the conversation I had with Stephanie when she called. I replay every moment at the hospital. I remember feeling like my legs went out from under me when the Dr. came in and told me the news. I remember coming out of the restroom a few minutes later and saying to Laura "I think my whole life just changed....."
Those are a few of the posts just days/weeks after his death.....I may continue to post others....mainly to add to this digital record I have of the journey....
Most of the things I worried about never came to fruition. The other men in the accident made full recoveries and were able to settle with my insurance company without having to bring a lawsuit against Brian's estate. Many of my prayers were answered. I can look back and see His faithfulness and goodness and mercy and comfort and...and...and....I could go on....and for that I am so grateful.
Looking back stirs up the memories but it also reminds me of how far we have come....and I think when I can look back and recognize God's hand instead of focusing so much on the painful memories...that's when I know I have done a lot of healing....and for that I am extremely grateful.
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