So, Maybe I get it now....

I have been pondering some of the responses to my "where do we go from here" post and I think it is finally sinking in. We ARE rebuilding our life....we ARE headed somewhere....we AREN'T just letting life happen, we are intentionally creating memories and starting new traditions.

I get it now. Every once in a while I get this panicky feeling that being content where I am at equals settling for less than what God might have in mind for us. I tend to want to skip the process and head straight for the product....

I get it.

I really do.


And, in the meantime.....we'll continue to enjoy the small moments of life that are pure pleasure....we'll continue to find new ways to live and make memories.....we'll continue to celebrate and enjoy the life God has given us.....

I guess it sunk in yesterday when I received an email from a dear friend who is battling stage four cancer. Part of her email just talked about how happy she would be when she could finally function again at a level physically that many of us take for granted. She is in the midst of an extremely difficult battle with cancer.....and God used her to remind me to live the life He has given me to the fullest....one moment and one breath at a time....

Top Ten Vacation Memories 2007

I wanted to jot down some of my favorite vacation memories from last week....mainly for my own sake....

10. The older lady in "Mamasitos" restaraunt (she and her husband sat at the table next to us) who came over to our table and complimented my kids and my nephew's behavior. She said something to the effect of "we eat out a lot and there are very few kids as well behaved as yours were tonight".... Honestly, I was waiting for the punch-line...maybe she was smoking something....ya think?

9. The fantastic view of the beach from our hotel balcony.

8. Picking up shells on the beach with my kids and then watching my mom sit on the balcony teaching them how to make necklaces out of the shells. (Martha Stewart would have been impressed)

7. Losing one of our keys to the room and having to pay 75.00 for a locksmith to rekey our condo....I was not a happy camper about that....

6. Floating together on the lazy river at SeaWorld in the pouring down rain.

5. Going crab-hunting on the beach with the kids at 10:00pm with flashlights. I don't know when we have had so much fun....lots of laughter and giggles.

4. Watching Nathan put on diving gear and actually stay under water for 20 minutes at SeaTrek. I was amazed that he was brave enough to do it...I wanted nothing to do with it....I get claustrophiba too easily...

3. Watching Nathan, Lexi and Braden learn to surf at BoogieBahn at Schlitterbahn. Absolutely amazing...I was blown away...

2. Getting to spend time with my mom and realizing (again) what a great "meemaw" she is....she did everything we did.....and had fun doing it...hope I am that cool someday...

1. Building the sandcastle in honor of Brian for Father's Day.

Where to go from here....

I feel like I have caught my breath enough now to begin asking the question "where do I want to go from here"? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.....but I feel like I have probably made it through the worst part of this grief journey and I wonder where I am now headed. Afterall, I spent most of my life planning where I was headed....I have been accused many times of being too much of a planner when it comes to my life...my goals...my dreams....and my plans were thrown out the window when Brian died....not by my choosing....and now I find myself living "without a plan"....

I don't even know where I am going with this....but my whole identity was changed when Brian died. I am no longer a wife....I am no longer Brian's wife...my life is no longer centered on him....I don't make decisions based on what is good for "us" but what is good for "me and the kids".

It's a rather precarious place to be....to feel like in many ways there is a blank slate to write on....but feeling unsure and uneasy about beginning to write "my" own chapter....a chapter that doesn't include Brian....oh his memory is there....and I will always treasure the memory of our love.....but I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy....

So....what do I do? How do I give myself freedom to create a new life and where do I get the courage to make decisions that are difficult to make?

I am happy with my life now....everything about it is great....great church, great job, great house, great neighborhood, great friends, great school for my kids to go to....everything is "great"......really, it is....

But, there seems to be some unrest within me right now....I can't quite figure it out....but I wonder where I am headed....I don't really have a plan anymore....there are no big goals out there that I am working towards...no one to share dreams with....and I miss that....

Recreating my identity is somewhat mysterious to me....I don't really get it....I liked who I was....but that isn't who I am now....and yet I know I am not yet who I will be....I am in transition I guess (but then again, isn't everyone in transition).....and transition doesn't come naturally to me when it is being forced upon me.....

The unrest within me.....I don't like it...it's uncomfortable....not in a hugely bad way....just uncomfortable....and uncertain....and maybe a little confusing......and maybe it's just a part of the grief process...grieving for the lost goals and dreams that we had as a couple....


Heck...maybe it is just a mid-life crisis......haha....nah...


Where to go from here......I need a plan....in the worst way....and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was just treading water..getting nowhere....

Yet...even after I read what I just wrote I recognize that I have come a long way....there has been much progress....it's just I don't know where to go from here......and I guess I didn't really know where I was heading for the past two years....but I knew there was movement and progress....and now I wonder how I will measure that....how will I know that I am moving in some positive direction....I now understand how short life is and I don't want to waste it....and I hope I am not.....

What a long and rambling and confusing post.....

Celebrating Dad

This past week I took my children to South Padre Island. The picture above is what we created on Father's Day to celebrate their dad. We had some help from a local professional sand castle builder (can you believe people do that for a living?). We had a wonderful time building it. For me, it was one of the highlights of our trip.

It has now been over two years since Brian died and I made it through the anniversary of his death, Father's Day, and our wedding anniversary. Those three significant days come within four days of each other. Needless to say, I think it will probably become a tradition that I take my kids on vacation around those dates every year. It seems to help to be away from home and out trying to have some fun, even in the midst of some painful reminders.

This year I was struck by the difference in how I viewed the anniversary of his death. Last year it was all about "remembering his death". It seemed impossible not to relive the nightmare.....the phone call, the hospital, telling the kids, the funeral....all of those events consumed my mind and it was an extremely painful week.

For whatever reason....maybe call it healing....this year it seemed to be more about "celebrating his life". I found myself wanting to make sure we did things on our vacation that celebrated who he was. I planned the sand castle building specifically to be a fun thing that also symbolized the best parts of Brian. Brian was extremely creative and loved to build things. I know he would have gotten a real kick out of seeing us build the sand castle in honor of him.

I don't think I will ever be able to forget the painful events of his death...and I don't even think that should be a goal....but I am thankful that I seem to be able to now focus on celebrating his life....smiling....and knowing that we were loved by him...completely and totally loved by him....and for that I am grateful....

The Ups and Downs of VBS

Well, I made it through year two of VBS since the death of Brian. It continues to be a difficult task for me to disconnect VBS from Brian's death. This year was a little easier...I was far more engaged than last year....but I didn't finish as strongly as I would have liked.

I was most concerned about tonight....family night....because like I said, I connect VBS Family Night with when Brian died....I tried as hard as I could to disconnect the emotions from tonight....but I wasn't completely successful. I made it through the program until about 15 minutes were left in it.....I just got overwhelmed...a little shaky....and nauseous. I left the sanctuary and walked around the building for a few minutes until I could gain my composure back....I did gain it back...but I just couldn't go back in.....part of it I can't explain because I don't even understand it....and part of it was because I knew I would panic if I had to go in front of the group and be on stage....all the staff was supposed to be part of a practical joke as part of the program....I thought I was going to be ok with it but the further we got in the day I realized I just wasn't up for it. I backed out of it....took some flack for it.....but in my mind, just being able to be there was enough of a challenge.....and to have to be up on stage was just too much....and I shouldn't have been surprised that people wouldn't have a clue that that would be difficult....sometimes I forget that I can't expect people to understand....most people my age haven't been through what I have been through....and I wouldn't wish that on them.......anways...

So, I guess I didn't finish as strong as I would have liked to....but I did my best....and I did make it through most of it....and I will try to see that as progress.....I know there are people who think I was just being a fuddy-duddy.....but it had nothing to do with that....I just couldn't....I just couldn't.....and I hate that.....and I hate this.....

On a positive note...I had prayed that God would redefine how I thought of VBS.....I prayed that God would work in my kids lives and that something significant spiritually would happen to my kids during VBS....not so much this year because I knew my kids weren't close to making a decision yet....but just a general prayer that God would help be find a way to redefine this event. Tonight, Lexi came forward expressing her desire to follow Jesus. I had an opportunity to talk to her....she isn't ready yet...and she even knows that....she just wanted to come forward to show that she worshipped God....(those were her words)....but, I am thankful for that small guesture of growth on her part....and maybe God knew that would be a little bit of an encouragement to me....and even an answer to prayer...God is working in her heart....and there will come a day soon when she will be ready....and I am thankful that tonight was a first step for her....

Reflections

I attended the funeral of my grandfather this past week. I don't really have the time or energy to think through how to express some of my thoughts so just bear with these random reflections:

1. Some things never change......like the red shag carpet in the sanctuary of the little church the funeral was in. It also still had the attendance and offering chart on the organ side of the church....you know where it says "enrollment", "attendance", "offering", etc.

2. Some people never change...or maybe they do....and we enjoy taking notice of it. The lady behind me (my grandparents neighbor for the past 60 years) gave a running commentary on every person who walked by the casket. She noted if they had gained or lost weight....had greyed or gone bald...and who they were married to....no kidding, she kept making comments about every single person and I could cleary hear what she was saying.....

3. My identity has changed....this is going to sound strange but I grew weary of having all of my relatives tell me again how sorry they were for my misfortune ....some of them hadn't really talked to me since the day of Brian's burial and our conversation then was extremely limited....at my grandfather's funeral they seemed to think it was open season to talk about me and my kids and how we were doing.....it isn't that I don't want to talk about it....it's just that it was another slap in the face that I have far too much in common with many of them....and they are all about 40 years older than me.....I guess I just wasn't expecting the attention that I got....and it was a tough reminder of the identity change that has occurred....I am a widow....and so are many of them....and that just shouldn't be....

4. My dad hasn't changed.....he spoke at the funeral and did a fine job.....he talked a little too long.....(which is the part of him that hasn't changed)....but his words were heartfelt.....and I was very proud of him.....and very thankful for him as well....

5. My aunt's part in the funeral actually caused the most emotion for me. She lost her husband eight years ago to lung cancer. She got up and said something that just hit me in the gut. As she was ending her part of the funeral she said something like this....."we will all miss dad and there will be lots of tears to shed as we grieve his loss....but I also want you to remember to smile too....to smile because he was here and loved us".....Her statement was so profound to me because that is the balance I have been trying to find in grieving the loss of Brian.....I have shed many tears but I am trying now to smile too....to smile because he was here and because he loved us.....I guess her statement also meant more to me because I know she has come to that place in her journey with the loss of her husband....yes, she still cries some times...but she also smiles a whole lot when she talks about him and the life they had.....God, help me to smile too.....


Random reflections.....there's a lot on my mind.....just not sure how to get it all out right now....

Death.....

I received news late tonight that my "pawpaw" died this evening. It's my dad's dad and he leaves behind my "granny" who has her health but not her mind. I am sad mostly for her and for my dad. Yes, I will miss him but my pain will be nothing compared to my dad and my granny's.

Pawpaw is the one who gets credit for teaching me how to drive. I'll never forget his red pick-up truck that he would take me out in for my driving lesson. I looked forward to visits with him because I knew I would get to take a "Sunday afternoon drive" with him. The town they lived in had no stoplights and just one gas station. It was definitely the perfect place to teach a young teenager to drive.

I also remember the fourth of July that a "whistle chaser" landed next to me on the car I was sitting on. Pawpaw was the first to quit laughing and realize that it had scared the bajeebers out of me. I think it scarred me for a few years but I specifically remember the extra care and attention he gave me when it came time to shoot fireworks.

Kindness and faithfulness probably best describe him. I am thankful for his influence in my life and thankful for the son he raised to be such a great father to me. May God provide comfort and peace for my granny....just as He promises.

Risking It All

This past Sunday I shared with my church family the previous post "Live it Anyway". I was pretty insecure going into it because I wasn't sure anyone really cared. I know people care but I just wasn't sure it was really worthy of taking up the sermon time at our church. So I went into it hoping that what I had to share would matter to someone....that it wouldn't just be a waste of time.

It went well and the responses I have gotten from different people have surprised me. The theme of most people's response was that they appreciated me being real....that in some way it spoke to them. One person emailed me and said "I appreciate your willingness to 'risk it all" by sharing with us your journey". I am not sure exactly what he meant but if you know me very well "risking it all" goes completely against who I am.

I am one of those people who thinks "risk-taking" is, well, too risky. I am a "play it safe" type of person. I tend to take very "calculated" risks. In other words, if I am not close to 90% sure that it can be done I don't usually try it. Brian, on the other hand, took risks every single day of his life. He was a dreamer and failure didn't bother him one bit. I guess we balanced each other out....but sometimes it was a source of frustration for me. I grew weary of always being the one to "bring him back to earth". I always felt like I had to be the one to reign him back in...especially in his business dealings.

Since his death, I have realized that I need to be more balanced in my approach to risk taking. I need to be more like Brian and more willing to fail and learn from it. It is interesting because I think Brian was always trying to do just a little more than he was really capable of doing. He pushed the envelope in trying to achieve all of his goals and dreams.

I guess, in some ways, sharing this past Sunday really was a pretty risk move. Although I didn't think about it until I received the email, maybe I am beginning to get out of my comfort zone and take a few risks that may very well push me to find a better balance.

I don't expect to be jumping out of any airplanes any time soon (Brian did that the day before we got married), but maybe I will be able to continue to learn to stretch myself so that I am able to dream a few new dreams...and have the courage to chase those dreams.