Well, I made it through year two of VBS since the death of Brian. It continues to be a difficult task for me to disconnect VBS from Brian's death. This year was a little easier...I was far more engaged than last year....but I didn't finish as strongly as I would have liked.
I was most concerned about tonight....family night....because like I said, I connect VBS Family Night with when Brian died....I tried as hard as I could to disconnect the emotions from tonight....but I wasn't completely successful. I made it through the program until about 15 minutes were left in it.....I just got overwhelmed...a little shaky....and nauseous. I left the sanctuary and walked around the building for a few minutes until I could gain my composure back....I did gain it back...but I just couldn't go back in.....part of it I can't explain because I don't even understand it....and part of it was because I knew I would panic if I had to go in front of the group and be on stage....all the staff was supposed to be part of a practical joke as part of the program....I thought I was going to be ok with it but the further we got in the day I realized I just wasn't up for it. I backed out of it....took some flack for it.....but in my mind, just being able to be there was enough of a challenge.....and to have to be up on stage was just too much....and I shouldn't have been surprised that people wouldn't have a clue that that would be difficult....sometimes I forget that I can't expect people to understand....most people my age haven't been through what I have been through....and I wouldn't wish that on them.......anways...
So, I guess I didn't finish as strong as I would have liked to....but I did my best....and I did make it through most of it....and I will try to see that as progress.....I know there are people who think I was just being a fuddy-duddy.....but it had nothing to do with that....I just couldn't....I just couldn't.....and I hate that.....and I hate this.....
On a positive note...I had prayed that God would redefine how I thought of VBS.....I prayed that God would work in my kids lives and that something significant spiritually would happen to my kids during VBS....not so much this year because I knew my kids weren't close to making a decision yet....but just a general prayer that God would help be find a way to redefine this event. Tonight, Lexi came forward expressing her desire to follow Jesus. I had an opportunity to talk to her....she isn't ready yet...and she even knows that....she just wanted to come forward to show that she worshipped God....(those were her words)....but, I am thankful for that small guesture of growth on her part....and maybe God knew that would be a little bit of an encouragement to me....and even an answer to prayer...God is working in her heart....and there will come a day soon when she will be ready....and I am thankful that tonight was a first step for her....
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2 comments:
There's much I want to say to you right now, but yet nothing can formulate in my head that is conherent enough to even try to make sense. This will have to do for now:
You made it through VBS. So what if you didn't get on stage. You did what was right for you at that moment and that is all anyone can ask you to do. You should be proud of yourself for making it through another VBS. When Lexi came down it was interesting to see how God is working in her life, just like you asked Him too. That's something good coming from this VBS. You participated in VBS, you were involved in Family Night with your kiddos, God answered your prayer...sounds like a success to me.
Perhaps you will get to the point where VBS doesn't remind you of Brian's death, or perhaps it will always be that way - just less severe. Be patient, this too shall pass. I know God is doing a wonderful work in your life, and in the lives of your children, and I pray for His peace on you all.
B~
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