Reflections

I attended the funeral of my grandfather this past week. I don't really have the time or energy to think through how to express some of my thoughts so just bear with these random reflections:

1. Some things never change......like the red shag carpet in the sanctuary of the little church the funeral was in. It also still had the attendance and offering chart on the organ side of the church....you know where it says "enrollment", "attendance", "offering", etc.

2. Some people never change...or maybe they do....and we enjoy taking notice of it. The lady behind me (my grandparents neighbor for the past 60 years) gave a running commentary on every person who walked by the casket. She noted if they had gained or lost weight....had greyed or gone bald...and who they were married to....no kidding, she kept making comments about every single person and I could cleary hear what she was saying.....

3. My identity has changed....this is going to sound strange but I grew weary of having all of my relatives tell me again how sorry they were for my misfortune ....some of them hadn't really talked to me since the day of Brian's burial and our conversation then was extremely limited....at my grandfather's funeral they seemed to think it was open season to talk about me and my kids and how we were doing.....it isn't that I don't want to talk about it....it's just that it was another slap in the face that I have far too much in common with many of them....and they are all about 40 years older than me.....I guess I just wasn't expecting the attention that I got....and it was a tough reminder of the identity change that has occurred....I am a widow....and so are many of them....and that just shouldn't be....

4. My dad hasn't changed.....he spoke at the funeral and did a fine job.....he talked a little too long.....(which is the part of him that hasn't changed)....but his words were heartfelt.....and I was very proud of him.....and very thankful for him as well....

5. My aunt's part in the funeral actually caused the most emotion for me. She lost her husband eight years ago to lung cancer. She got up and said something that just hit me in the gut. As she was ending her part of the funeral she said something like this....."we will all miss dad and there will be lots of tears to shed as we grieve his loss....but I also want you to remember to smile too....to smile because he was here and loved us".....Her statement was so profound to me because that is the balance I have been trying to find in grieving the loss of Brian.....I have shed many tears but I am trying now to smile too....to smile because he was here and because he loved us.....I guess her statement also meant more to me because I know she has come to that place in her journey with the loss of her husband....yes, she still cries some times...but she also smiles a whole lot when she talks about him and the life they had.....God, help me to smile too.....


Random reflections.....there's a lot on my mind.....just not sure how to get it all out right now....