I feel like I have caught my breath enough now to begin asking the question "where do I want to go from here"? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.....but I feel like I have probably made it through the worst part of this grief journey and I wonder where I am now headed. Afterall, I spent most of my life planning where I was headed....I have been accused many times of being too much of a planner when it comes to my life...my goals...my dreams....and my plans were thrown out the window when Brian died....not by my choosing....and now I find myself living "without a plan"....
I don't even know where I am going with this....but my whole identity was changed when Brian died. I am no longer a wife....I am no longer Brian's wife...my life is no longer centered on him....I don't make decisions based on what is good for "us" but what is good for "me and the kids".
It's a rather precarious place to be....to feel like in many ways there is a blank slate to write on....but feeling unsure and uneasy about beginning to write "my" own chapter....a chapter that doesn't include Brian....oh his memory is there....and I will always treasure the memory of our love.....but I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy....
So....what do I do? How do I give myself freedom to create a new life and where do I get the courage to make decisions that are difficult to make?
I am happy with my life now....everything about it is great....great church, great job, great house, great neighborhood, great friends, great school for my kids to go to....everything is "great"......really, it is....
But, there seems to be some unrest within me right now....I can't quite figure it out....but I wonder where I am headed....I don't really have a plan anymore....there are no big goals out there that I am working towards...no one to share dreams with....and I miss that....
Recreating my identity is somewhat mysterious to me....I don't really get it....I liked who I was....but that isn't who I am now....and yet I know I am not yet who I will be....I am in transition I guess (but then again, isn't everyone in transition).....and transition doesn't come naturally to me when it is being forced upon me.....
The unrest within me.....I don't like it...it's uncomfortable....not in a hugely bad way....just uncomfortable....and uncertain....and maybe a little confusing......and maybe it's just a part of the grief process...grieving for the lost goals and dreams that we had as a couple....
Heck...maybe it is just a mid-life crisis......haha....nah...
Where to go from here......I need a plan....in the worst way....and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was just treading water..getting nowhere....
Yet...even after I read what I just wrote I recognize that I have come a long way....there has been much progress....it's just I don't know where to go from here......and I guess I didn't really know where I was heading for the past two years....but I knew there was movement and progress....and now I wonder how I will measure that....how will I know that I am moving in some positive direction....I now understand how short life is and I don't want to waste it....and I hope I am not.....
What a long and rambling and confusing post.....
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8 comments:
rambling.....no....confusing....yes quite confusing...
where we are going is an everyday battle/struggle. No one really knows where they are heading. At least for me that is what I feel most times. I am heading somewhere. In the right direction I hope but not sure. Life is confusing. Yet I like confusing. Maybe.......now I'm rambling....have a good week..
I wonder why you need to know where you are going at the moment? Hopefully you are coming to the end of a very long and tiring part of your journey, and now I would think you would want to sit back, at least for a short time, and enjoy life as it happens. Your identity may have been defined as a wife, and Brian's wife at that, but that was a long time ago. Now you are Shelly, let that be enough for the time being. I don't think you need direction as much as contentment, and I suppose peace. You said yourself, "I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy...." And identity.
God be with you on this part of your journey.
B~
Good question Bruce. I think it is related to the deeply engrained tendency for me to think there is only one way to get to my destination....and if I miss a turn I will somehow screw everything up....remember the "Connect the dots theology post"....guess it is still affecting me.
I just feel a heavy burden for how me and my kids turn out....it feels like it is all on my shoulders now and I am afraid I am going to screw it up....
In reality....we have come a long way....and we have gotten to where we are now by taking little steps each day....not by making monumental giant steps....it has been a slow go and I shouldn't expect or even want that to change....
Thanks for your comments....
"I just feel a heavy burden for how me and my kids turn out....it feels like it is all on my shoulders now and I am afraid I am going to screw it up...." I know how you feel but trust me, it's not really in your control anyway. You do the best you can and then trust God to take care of the rest. Granted, it's a lot tougher for you as a single mom, and I hurt for you and the kids, but even then there is only so much you can do. You of all people should know that where you think you are going isn't necessarily where you will wind up.
Carpe Diem, eh?
B~
Carpe Diem!
Yep...I really don't have as much control as I would like....
Good reminder.....
You'd think I'd get that by now....the whole control issue that is....
Life is still good....
What if you are...for right now, treading water, would that be so bad?
And your post is not confusing at all...
I supposed treading water is better than drowning....and I definitely have been there and felt that....so maybe treading water is purposeful...just not all that enjoyable...
Still treading...
I don't think "Where do I want to go from here" is a bad question to ask. I wonder if that's part of this whole journey you are on. I think you are learning more and more how to enjoy the moments, those moments that don't necessarily have a plan but just happen spontaneously. How do you know you are moving in a positive direction? When you wake up every morning and face life as it is...I think that is moving in a positive direction. You made some great memories on your vacation and that's your doing. YOU did that!! Props to you! Unrest..yeah it sucks...but that one day will subside. It may just take a little while. Lack of control...that sucks too...I'm not one to offer advice on that subject except to say that... feeling like you have to have control is exhausting. Hang in there! You're doing great!
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