How would I have handled it?

In the training I participated in we watched a video of a police officer who was shot in the face and somehow survived.  It was a very graphic video.  There were actual pictures of what was left of his face.  There were pictures of him after surgery and during the recovery process.  It was hard to watch.  I am not the type who enjoys blood and gore.  I prefer a feel good, chic flick over anything sad or violent.

However, there is a point to this post.  The video showed the man and his wife talking about how they recovered from this horrific incident.  The man's face was completely disfigured and he was barely recognizable.  His whole life changed in a split second and it took him many, many years and dozens of surgeries to get to the place where he is today.

My mind struggled with processing the thoughts and feelings related to this video.  I had trouble sleeping that night and I laid in bed thinking about how horrible it would have been to be this man.  The images kept coming into my head and I couldn't turn my mind off.

This video made me realize there are worse things than death.  Brian didn't have to suffer.  He didn't have to go through hell on earth like this man did.  He was almost immediately relieved of his pain and suffering.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm thankful he didn't have to go through what this man has had to go through.

Brian would not have been the same if he had lived.  Given the severity of the accident that he was in, the best option for him was probably death.  It wasn't the best option for me or the kids.  We would have loved to still have him around.  However, given the injuries, Brian was given mercy and grace as he took his last breath.

So, grace and mercy come in different forms.  Sometimes death is merciful.  I believe Brian's death was just that.

I also wonder how I would have handled it if he had lived and I had to learn to adjust to a life that was completely different than what we had before.  I'll be honest and say that it would be tough....and maybe even tougher than adjusting to life without him.

There is no point in questioning myself or spending too much time wondering how I would have handled it.  There is value is beginning to understand and accept that grace and mercy come in ways that we don't always recognize....but they are always there...and His grace is always sufficient.

Wax on, Wax off....This is kind of fun!

The past two days I have hosted and attended a CISM training.  This was part of my directed study in crisis counseling.  After the end of today, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed it and gained a tremendous amount from it.

It's one of those times where I wish I had a spouse to talk through all that I learned.  If I had a spouse, I would probably share some of the things that we did.  I would talk about instances where I felt like I didn't do a good job in a role play and times that I was affirmed and complimented for how I performed in the role play.  I would talk about how I see this type of training fitting into my future.  I would share that I sense God is doing something in my life in the area of crisis counseling.  I would ask him to pray with me and for me that I would be sensitive to how God is leading me.

I could use a spouse to debrief me....to help me sort through why I felt certain ways during certain exercises.  I could use an objective person who loves me to figure out what the next step was and how I could continue to grow in this area.

If I am honest, I felt overwhelmed at times by the all the information and skills necessary to be effective.  Yet, I would also have to be honest and say that I am fairly certain there is a reason for why I am doing all this "waxing on, and waxing off".  I truly believe God is allowing me to partner with him to "create" meaning from the death of Brian.

The first couple of years I was "searching" for meaning.  More recently, I have been able to "find" meaning in the way God has brought good from a tragedy in my own life.  Yet, now, I am actually able to "create" meaning.  

"Creating" meaning has been one of the most fulfilling and inspiring things I have ever experienced.  I don't even know how to write about it or explain it....I just know when it is happening and it feels great....

I have no idea how long this "waxing on, waxing off" period will last.  God may have me in training for a long time.  However,  every once in a while I get a glimpse of who God may be leading me to become.  I'm content to keep waxing....I really am.

Thank you God for the past couple of days.....I am extremely grateful and amazed at how you work in my life.  To God be the glory!

Vintage Braden

Someday Braden will regret this....I see a graduation or wedding slideshow in this picture's future....Lexi bought these fake fingernails out of her teacher's treasure chest for being good.  She brought them home and she and Braden disappeared for a while.  He came out beaming...he was so proud of his work!  

Braden lives life to the fullest!  Everything he does he does it full throttle.  There is no fear, no hesitation....I should be more like him.

There is no telling what this boy will do if he ever finds a way to channel his energy and zest for life...I hope I am around to see what God does with him.

For a son like Braden....I am (most generally) very grateful!

A new perspective...

One of the surprising issues that I find myself dealing with on an occasional basis is the stigma of being a single parent.  I'm proud of who I am and how I am trying to parent my kids.  I know that I am doing the best job I can and that I work as hard as probably any parent out there trying to create a positive environment for my kids.  

Well meaning people....and I used to probably be one of these people....can say really stupid and hurtful things.  Today, I listened to a stay at home mom describe the differences between two VBS' in terms of the crowd they attracted.  Her point was that the night crowd was made more up of single parents or working parents who wanted to bring their kids and help.  She directed the day time group and the insinuation was that the night group was made up of "different" kinds of families.  I know there was no intention of being hurtful at all.  I appreciate this volunteer's willingness to step up and serve.  I just wish we all would quit stereotyping people and the lives they lead.  Not all single, working parents are bad parents.  Not all children who come from single parent homes are bad kids.  And, by the way, those are the very families who need to be reached the most.  Those are the parents who need the church the most!!!!!!  

I have a different perspective than I ever wanted.....and, unfortunately, there is a stigma that's difficult to shake when you are a single parent.

When I hear those kinds of statements it always catches me off guard...and I understand they are innocent remarks....but it also reminds me of the huge ministry opportunity that we have with "single" parents....I pray we don't miss out on those opportunities!

Is this the new normal?

Everyone told me there would come a point where we reached a "new normal" in our life without Brian. I suppose I have seen evidence of that in many ways over the past couple of years. However, I think the "new normal" is finally here and has settled into our lives.

I love life right now. And, maybe, I could even say I love "my" life right now.

I am learning and growing....I am finding and creating meaning and purpose from losing Brian. I'm still not to a point where I am grateful that it happened. I don't believe that is a goal worthy of pursuing. It will never be ok that he died (but we will be more than just ok). No amount of good could be enough to justify his death.

Life is good. I had an incredible time with my kids this weekend. We made some great memories. Braden is doing sooooo much better. I see much progress in the kids lives. I am profoundly grateful.

I am thankful for this "new" normal. I hope it's here to stay. The welcome mat is out...we have embraced it.

I know there are some bad days to come....I'm not naive enough to think everything is going to continue to be so calm and enjoyable. I am, however, grateful for where we are at right now....at 10:57pm on March 22nd...we are GOOOOOD.

Thank you God for hope and joy.....that only you can bring and give. I am blessed.

A Good day....

I have been watching the mail for my certificate of licensure from the state of Texas.  I knew it had to be on the way because my status had been changed on the website from "intern" to LPC.  Today it came.  Woohoo...I promptly took it to Hobby Lobby and had it framed.  It represents a very long journey that I have been on.  It's a big relief to have that finished.  No more hoops to jump through.  Done.

Something else came in the mail today that was unexpected.  It was an invitation from the president of my school to attend the 2009 student awards banquet.  I was shocked.  I don't have a clue what it is about but I will return my RSVP to attend tomorrow.  I'm probably getting an award for the best actress in statistics class.  Ha.  The only bummer is that it asked if  my spouse would be attending as well.  Well, yes, he will.  Just not in the way in which you are anticipating.   

If there is one thing I hate it is that he isn't here to see me reaching some of these goals.  He was my biggest supporter.  I wish he were here to go with me. 

For good days and unexpected surprises...and completed goals that come in the form of a certificate...I'm grateful.

Wax on, Wax off....

I love the first Karate Kid movie where the main character finds himself training in a lot of areas that aren't obviously beneficial.  He questions his trainer's techniques but chooses to follow the regimen even though it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I have used this analogy before for my life right now.  I am doing a lot of things that seem like I am just "waxing on, waxing off".  I often wonder if what I am doing has a purpose.  I am sure there are people in my life who question my "waxing".  

Yet, sometimes, I see how the education, training and experience I have are creating a purposeful future.  2009 has been a big year for me already.  I am now officially a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I have been working on the client contact hours for the past 4 1/2 years.  I even had to request an extension because it took me longer than the average bear.  But, I reached my goal and I am moving forward to see how God can use that credential to bring Him glory.  

This semester I am doing a directed study on crisis counseling.  As a result, I attended a conference last week by Alan Wolfelt on helping children and teens with grief.  It was a three hour conference and it felt so good and so right to be there.  I have a huge amount of compassion for parents who are struggling to help their children work through grief and loss.  It was one of those moments in my life where I knew "this is where I am supposed to be today".  I drank up the conference and I'm still thirsty for more knowledge.  

Later this month I will be completing part of the requirements for my directed study by hosting a CISM conference.  The goal of this is to become certified in critical incident stress management and to put in place a team of counselors to provide assistance and ministry to our community and schools in times of crisis.  Again, I am WAY excited about this and look forward to seeing how God will use this training to minister in His name.

So, going back to school has brought me to a point where I am now seeing the fruits of my "waxing on and waxing off".  I would not have gained this expertise had I not gone back to school.  I am thankful for the glimpses of purpose I see for my life and for the way God has allowed me to stretch and grow and be challenged.

Today, I received a letter from the parent of the person that I worked with a couple of weeks ago in a pretty intensive counseling relationship related to grief and trauma.  I saw her every day for an hour for 7 days.  Her dad wrote in the letter and told the person he gave the letter to to give to me that "she was a different person after talking with you". Unfortunately, I probably will not see her again as she lives in another state and was only here for a short visit.   I folded up the letter and put it in my desk drawer  as a reminder that God is bringing beauty from ashes.  Only God can do that.  It has nothing to do with me or my skill.  It has everything to do with how God helps us turn our greatest pain into our greatest gifts.  

Side note:  I know that she wasn't a different person because of meeting with me....while I appreciate the compliment, it's not true.  She is the same hurting person who has a long road ahead of her.  But, for one week, she released some of that pain and hurt and I happened to be the one to walk through that with her.  God could have used anyone to do that.  For whatever reason, I got the privilege of ministering to her.  I am thankful for the opportunity.  That's all.

When I write about successful opportunities to minister I'm not wanting to toot my horn. Rather, I write about them as a reminder of who God is and how He is working in my life.  I need those reminders to look back on when times are difficult and things aren't going so well.  

I get lost in the "waxing on and waxing off" and need "evidence of grace" to get me through the dark days.

For a God who knows me, loves me, redeems me, heals me, and uses me....I am grateful.

 

Spring Break #4

I successfully deposited the kids with my parents today after church in Durant, Oklahoma. Braden was beside himself in anticipation of this coming week. He was up early this morning ready to go! This is the fourth Spring Break that I have had to myself since Brian's death. It's a win/win situation because my kids love spending time with the grandparents and I need a break every once in a while. All of us are better off for weeks like this.

I've got some school work to get done this week and a list of personal projects I hope to accomplish. Nothing too exhausting, just a lot of little things.

I find myself in a very good spot in anticipation of this week. Life seems to be moving along at a pretty even pace right now. I've had some good days lately and I am very grateful for the lack of drama in my life right now.

Two phone calls happened last week that reminded me of how far I have come. The first call came from the attorney who helped me settle everything after Brian's death. When the phone rang and I saw that it was him I immediately wondered what was up. Why was he calling me? What's gone wrong? My mind kicked into high gear as I reached to answer the phone. Turns out he was just calling to check on me and the kids. He said he thought of us often and wondered how we were doing. We had a nice conversation and I hung up feeling like I had won the lottery. MY attorney called ME just to check on me...not to give me bad news or to set up a meeting to decide how to approach our latest challenge. It was a nice call. Thank you God for nice phone calls from attorneys.

The second call came on Wednesday afternoon from my tenant in the commercial building. I was waiting for her to call all day because we had gotten a signficant amount of rain and that usually means a drainage problem. Again, when I saw who it was that was calling my brain kicked into overdrive..."here we go again....no, no, I don't want to deal with this anymore". Surprise. She called to give me "good news". The new drainage and seal we put around the building apparently did the trick. No water in the building. She said "I just thought it might make your day to hear that it worked...just wanted to pass on some good news". In order to appreciate the significance of this call you have to understand the sordid history of our relationship. To keep it short....she never, in the history of our tenant/landlord relationship, has called to give me good news of any shape, sort or fashion. It has ALWAYS been bad news. Thank you God for a nice call from my friend in Granbury. It may NEVER happen again, but it did on Wednesday.

So, what's the big deal? Well, it's just nice to be past some of the many difficult issues I have had to deal with. I have recognized this week just how many miles I have traveled on this journey to rebuild my life. I am not where I was 1, 2, 3 or even almost 4 years ago. We have laid to rest MANY, MANY challenges....and for that, I am so grateful.

Now, I am not so foolish as to think there are no more challenges on the horizon. I wish. The economy (or lack thereof) could create some signifcant headwinds for my tenants and the drama in my life could go way up. However, there's not a darn thing I can do about that right now.

So, I will choose to enjoy the calm....and remember the God who got me through the storms...and when those storms come again, I will remind myself of His trustworthiness....

Lessons from Moses....

Tonight's family devotion came from the story of Moses. We sort of picked up where we left off last time and jumped into Exodus 19-20 where God gives Moses the Ten Commandments.

Moses and the Israelites provide so much in the way of practical application. It has been a long time since I studied Moses so the lessons seem fresh and very applicable.

The kids and I talked about the ten commandments and I asked them to focus on a couple of the commandments that I feel like we really needed to focus on.

The first one that really spoke to me was the commandment not to make anything more important than God. Ouch. I know I struggle with this. I get so focused on "life" that my time and energy are spent on things that shouldn't matter as much as they do. I shared with the kids that any time we make something else in our life more important than God,we are not living the way God wants us to. For me, I worry about the future and I worry about being able to do all the things that I need to do financially for me and the kids. Money has become too important to me. Spending it is not the problem. I understand managing money and I think I do a good job living within a budget. I also do a good job of saving and planning for the future. The problem is that I think it is all my responsibility to assure ourselves a good future. I worry about it too much...focus on it too much...and, though I would never want to do this, I make it more important than God. How do I know I have crossed that line? I'm not sure, I just know it occupies my thoughts and worries far too much. I am doing all I can. I need to trust God with the future and quit trying to "plan" my future so much.

The second one that I chose to focus on with the kids was not taking God's name in vain. Unfortunately, my kids are of the age where they are hearing their friends take God's name in vain and they watch television shows or movies that do this far too often. So, we talked about it and this opened up lots of discussion about all the "bad" things their friends say. We chased that rabbit for a good long while as they told me stories and even asked me what some words meant. It was a very healthy conversation....for that I am grateful.

There are some great lessons from Moses....and we are enjoying studying his life....even if it is very basic stuff that we are focusing on...it's very applicable.

For family time...and the lessons from Moses...I am grateful.

Maybe there's hope afterall....

My sister and mom have been here for the weekend and Kathy brought her 4 month old daughter and 3 year old son.  We have had a great time enjoying watching the cousins play and have fun.

I've always thought that my kids and I look like a traveling three ring circus.  Parenting in public has been challenging for me.  

This weekend it has been nice to be the "calm" family.  We actually seem like we have it together compared to my sister and her two kids.  My three year old nephew is filled with an AMAZING amount of energy.  I am certain he will solve some huge world problem because he never tires.

My kids seemed so grown up compared to him.  And, they should be since they are older....but, it sure was nice not to feel like the three-ring circus. 

So, maybe there is hope after all....maybe we have turned the corner.....until the next big challenge pops up....

To be sure, my sister is an incredible parent.  She is doing a fabulous job....it's just nice to be a little past the stage she is in right now.....

For a brief glimpse of hope....I am grateful.

Walking with someone through their pain....

Last week I had a pretty significant opportunity to walk with someone through their pain. It was one of those times when I had no idea my week would entail such a divine appointment. I'm grateful for the opportunity and thankful that this type of ministry has become a part of who I am and who I am becoming.

While I would have never chosen the path I am on, I am often reminded that this path has given me opportunities to minister that I would have never had. My skill in counseling is not such that I could be "successful" on my own. I am dependent on God to guide me and lead me as I work with people. I am also becoming more and more aware that my experience provides an open door of influence and ministry.

People who are in pain are more apt to trust people who have known pain and loss.

I haven't tried to hang my shingle based on my life experience...I don't solicit people or try to make my experience fit their experience....I really do try to just be open to what God may want to do through me.

Last week was a blessing to me....I consider it a high privilege to be able to walk alongside someone as they attempt to work through their loss and rebuild their life.

For an opportunity to see beauty come from ashes....I am grateful.

A lesson from the Israelites

As a result of realizing that some things need to change I did family devotions with the kids tonight. We used to do this on a pretty regular basis and it is something I am convicted about and want to make a priority.

The story that we read tonight was about the Israelites and Moses. There are so many incredible lessons to learn from the Israelites....and I am so like them in more ways that I care to admit. Exodus 17 is an account of what happened when they needed some water. The text makes it clear that the Israelites weren't happy that they didn't have water. They were complaining and whining and making Moses' job very stressful. As a result, Moses cries out to God and asks Him what he is supposed to do. The story ends with God telling Moses to strike a rock and the people are given the water that they need. The thing that struck me about this story is that I need to quit worrying, complaining and whining....and just start praying. I need to make my requests and needs known to God and then watch how He answers those prayers. In addition, when He tells me to do something (like he did Moses), I need to do it.

Simple, huh?

Oh yeah, I forgot how simple it is.

Pray. Seek. Obey.

Instead, for me it is worry, complain, whine...get stressed....become impatient....etc.

Maybe I am like the Israelites and I have forgotten what God has already done for me. Surely I haven't....but, I guess I have.

God has been good to me. He has been faithful and will continue to be faithful. He can't not be faithful. He is.

God, help me quit worrying and start praying....and then may I give glory to you and you alone.


For God's word, and family devotions....I am grateful.

Problem solved...

This morning I found someone to watch my kids on Wednesday. It seemed so easy when I asked her. I was just so discouraged from trying so many other people only to get "no".

I suppose I am kind of down right now. I'm tired of playing nurse to my three kids....childcare extraordinaire to a couple hundred families at church.....landlord to a demanding tenant....referee to my children's squabbles....etc.

I need to re-read my "Boundaries" book. I think some of my frustration is related to not saying "no" when I need to. I sometimes feel like I put everyone else's kids before mine...and I need to find a happier medium.

Time to adjust some things....guess I am a slow learner.