This Week's Highlights....

I am thankful for a wonderful, hopeful, and restful week.  The week didn't start off that way with Lexi and Braden throwing up in tandem in the middle of the night.  The mess and the laundry were magnanimous.  Thankfully, my mom was here and she helped with one child while I helped the other.  Mom had to leave early Monday because of the impending weather but she was still very helpful.

Tuesday night we had an ice storm that gave us a day off on Wednesday and Wednesday night (no church activities).  It was an amazingly relaxing day.  I actually took about a thirty minute nap Wednesday afternoon.  I can't remember the last time I had such a nice, long afternoon nap.   If I get to lay down it usually only lasts for 5 minutes or less because the phone rings or my kids need me.  So, this was extra nice and did me a world of good.

Today, Nathan and Lexi brought home good report cards.  Both of them had improved in areas and excelled in some new areas as well.  Both of them received awards at the 9 week awards assembly.  Lexi received an "accountability" character award and Nathan received the Olympian Award for his class.  I had a chance to be there and show my support.  I couldn't help but sit there and think to myself..."my kids are making it...they are more than just ok....they really are."

Nathan started out the year on a challenging note with his teacher.  I really never expected her to single him out and give him the award for his class.  I am thankful that she has not held anything against him or me because of the concerns I shared with her at the beginning of the year.  I have more respect for her now because she has moved forward and been a great teacher for Nathan.  It is amazing how things sometimes turn around.  I also pointed this out to Nathan and told him how proud I was of the way he worked through his struggles with his teacher.

I can't write this post without sharing some of the things his teacher said about him....

For Nathan:  Nathan is, without fail, a willing and hard worker who gives each task his maximum effort.  Additionally, he stays optimistic throughout the learning process regardless of whatever new challenges he faces.  He is able to use his creative streak beautifully and effectively to help support all areas of his learning--which is a task not all students are capable of accomplishing successfully.  Most importantly, he is such a kind and compassionate young man who never has a harsh thing to say about anyone.  Although I would love to take credit for his exceptional character, I must admit that he simply came to me this way!  I sincerely could not be more pleased to be able to guide him on his academic path this year!

Nathan has the "best of Brian" in him.  I am so proud and thankful.  I know his dad would be so pleased to see how he is turning out...even with the difficulties he has faced.

Lexi has also been a joy to watch.  Her teacher had some very kind comments to say about her as well.  "Lexi has worked very hard these past nine weeks to meet her goals in all areas of study....She has made tremendous progress in her emotional responses to classroom situations.  She has learned to focus on what she can do and keep working on that which is difficult.  She has become outspoken in small groups and class discussions (a noted weakness the first 9 weeks).  She recently made a presentation with her literature circle partner and not once did I have to tell her to speak up.  She seems to have adjusted to her new school world beautifully."

Lexi is my sensitive, caring child who doesn't want to upset anyone.  The first nine weeks she struggled because her teacher wants her to speak up more and be more of a leader.  This teacher places a premium on kids learning to stand up for themselves and fight for what they think is right.  Lexi had to work at becoming that type of student.  I am proud of the adjustments that she has made and the way she is responding with her words and thoughts instead of her emotions.

Yeah kids!  

I thought this week about my identity as a "single" parent.  I don't like it at all.  I think maybe we should be called "double" parents instead.  It's double the work...double the responsibility...double the pain sometimes....but also double the joy!  

Life has been good and sweet...for this I am grateful.

Oh yeah, I did my generous act(s) for January.  One was anonymous and one couldn't be anonymous.  I truly feel like God led me to do both of them.  I must say that there is "true joy" in doing for others with no expectation of anything in return.  It is truly more of a blessing to give than receive.

Letting Go...Enjoying change

Change is something I usually avoid.  This has always been true of me, but it has been especially true of me since Brian died.  Fortunately, I was married to someone who thrived on change and risk.  The result was a somewhat balanced approach to life.  The tension of our two extremes kept us somewhere in the middle.  

Since Brian's death I have fought to keep many things the same.  I chose to stay in our home, I chose to stay in Texas, to keep our kids in the same schools, and to continue working in my same job.  I worked hard to keep the outside of our house looking like Brian was still taking care of it.  I tried to take many of the same vacations that we used to take, to keep many of our traditions the same, and to give my kids what I thought he would be giving them if he were still here.

It's been a lot of work to fight "change".  To be sure, it has been beneficial for my kids to have a similar environment and to have stability and certainty in their life.  

However, I'm not sure it works for us anymore.  I am finding that letting go makes change more necessary and enjoyable.

Change has become energizing for me.

I have made some major changes in the past few weeks....and I survived it and have even enjoyed it.

It's almost as if now the "rebuilding" is really start to take shape.

I just finished my first year of residency in the Phd program.  I have a 4.0 GPA.  I took a risk, made some changes in how I spend my free time and worked my tail off.  The work paid off and I am so proud.  Brian always wanted me to get my PhD....he would be proud too.

My home now looks different on the inside.  I am slowly rebuilding our home to fit "us".

I chose not to take the kids on a snow-skiing trip this winter.  This is the first year since Brian's death that we have missed it.  I have no regrets.  Ski vacations are not a single parent vacation.  Someday, we'll do it again.  But, for now, it's too much for me to handle and enjoy.

I am talking to someone on Monday about doing my lawncare for the next year.  I'm burned out on being the "lawn girl".  This is a change I KNOW I am going to enjoy!

I suppose I could go on and on about things that I am changing....the main point is that I am no longer avoiding or fearing change.  I am no longer in a defensive position....I am on the offense, and it feels empowering.

I can't put my finger on why this is where I am, but I think it is a good place to be.

A Good Week....

I'm thankful for a productive and good week.  I have knocked out a lot of work and have begun some fun projects at work.  I have enjoyed meeting with several people to begin putting the pieces together for some changes and additions in our preschool ministry.  The next few months should be incredibly busy and hopefully, fruitful.

I'm in my element when I have a challenging project in front of me.  I love pulling people together to accomplish a task.  I love watching people use their gifts.  If I had a choice, I would go from one project to the next....the routine, every day stuff gets boring....however, I understand it is necessary and very much an expected part of my job.

The kids are doing well.  I received a copy of an essay  Nathan wrote that had special significance (to me anyways).  The writing prompt was for him to write about a day spent with his favorite person.  Nathan wrote about the day Brian taught him how to snow-ski.  This is the first time Nathan has written anything about Brian and it gave me a glimpse into his heart.  He has incredible memories with his dad.  I was reminded of the blessing of that this week when I read his essay.  The ending sentence of the essay said "I will never forget this moment with my dad."  Wow.  

Lexi and Braden are doing well too.  Braden is learning to read and that is interesting to watch.  Lexi has such a sweet spirit about her and I am thankful for that.  I have really enjoyed watching both of them playing Upward Basketball...it's a real hoot!

I'm looking at options for the summer and trying to decide what type of vacation to take.  We had a blast in Destin, Florida last year.  I would enjoy going there again but I have also been looking at Pinecove's family camp and it looks really interesting.  Making memories with the kids is definitely a priority, I am just trying to decide where we are going to make memories this summer.  Planning and dreaming about where to go is almost as much fun as going....at least for me it is.

My house is coming along nicely.  My friend came over today and helped put my built-in shelves back together.  It is a work in progress but it is looking great.  I have decided to take one wall in my office and make it a memory wall of Brian.  There aren't going to be any pictures of him/us in my living room and I am ok with that.  It feels like I need to do that.  Not because of any reason except that it is hard to have everything the same.  I need some changes to reflect the way we are moving forward.

I got an unexpected card in my box at work this week.  It was a giftcard to ULTA and it had a note that said "thanks for all the many ways you minister to our church".  I wish I knew who did it so I could thank them.  God has blessed me over and over again with anonymous gifts.  I wonder if it is from the same person or if it is from different people.  I feel blessed by their kindness.  

One of my New Year's goals was to do something generous for somebody one time per month.  I plan to do something this weekend.  I have a couple of ideas in mind but I am praying God will impress on me what I should do.

It's been a good week....life is good and sweet....and for that I am grateful.

Before and After....

The first two pictures show the "before"....the last two show the "after".  The wall paper is gone in the kitchen and it has been textured, painted and faux finished with a tea stain.  It's a little hard to see in the pictures but it has a very warm and homey feel to  it.

Operation Update my home has begun.....just need to stay with it....

Ahhhhhhhhh......Blood Pressure is Going Back Down!

For the past week I have had workers in my house from 8:00am to 6:30pm.  Tonight, they left at 7:45pm.  However, they are DONE!  A huge wave of relief has just set in and I think my psychological systems are returning to normal (ha).

Seriously, I bet there is a study somewhere that says women go nuts when they have a disaster in their homes for more than 24 hours.  It has been incredibly stressful, but the results are GREAT!

The only negative thing is that once you start updating.....then you realize other things need to be done as well.  I suppose this is only the beginning...better start saving more pennies.

I guess that since I am a counselor type I notice how change like this affects me and I read more into it than I should.  For example, I am sitting here in my living room looking at the huge built-in bookshelves that are completely empty and I can't help but see those shelves as a blank slate.  There aren't any pictures of my past....and there aren't any pictures of my future....it's just blank.  

Here's where it gets tricky.  I like the fact that there are no pictures of my past.  It's a little bit of a relief to not be looking at pictures of Brian.  It's not that I don't want to be reminded of him or that I no longer love him.  It's also certainly not that I want to forget him.  I want my kids to have a sense of his presence in their lives and I cherish the life we built together.

However, a blank slate seems a little freeing.....and I am attracted to that....

Finding the balance between honoring our past and straining for the future is a difficult task....I'm not sure I know how to do that.....but at least I now know what I am aiming for...

In the next few days I will be trying to fill those shelves back up....but I will be doing it with some intentionality....and some help!  A friend called yesterday and offered to help me redesign the look of it....I am going to take her up on it.

For blank slates...I am grateful....and hopeful that my home is becoming a reflection of the life I am rebuilding.....

2009=Lots of Changes

We are only 9 days into 2009 and there have already been a ton of changes and more on the horizon.  I may have to go back and consider my New Year's goals as my January goals because many of them have happened or are on their way to happening.

On Thursday of this week my house turned into a work site.  It is an absolute disaster.  It is already driving me crazy and it has only been two days.  It took them almost a day just to tape off everything and put down all the protective paper on my floors.  I am amazed at how much work they can do on a daily basis.  If I would have tried to take on this project it would have taken me weeks.  The important issue is that I am excited about the changes I am making.  For whatever reason, it has become hard to live in my house with it just the way it was when Brian died.  I don't really understand why that has become an issue because it has been (up until about 6 months ago) a very comforting place to live.  Everything in my living area and kitchen area is removed from where it once was.  I am wondering what I will do with the built-in shelves in my living room.  Do I put all the pictures of Brian back in them or do I rearrange it?  I'm not sure....but the issue will be forced when I go to put everything back together.  

On Wednesday night of this week I found out my job  will be changing sometime in the middle of March.  I still have a job and I am grateful for that.  However, there will now be an added layer of organization, stress and responsibility.  I have a strange peace about it.  In some ways I am excited about the challenge of putting it all together.  I love big projects and challenges.  The downside will be once it is all put together and I have to add hours to my work week.  Only time will tell how it will all work out.  I am trusting that God will give me the resources I need to make it happen or he will move me out of the position and into another one that will provide for my family.  This has been a long time coming and it actually could have been much worse.  For now, my Saturday nights are safe....I just have a much longer Sunday on the horizon.

Nathan continues to blossom before my eyes.  Today he came home and told me that his teacher told him that because he has done so well on his benchmark tests that he would now be testing at a 5th grade level instead of 4th grade.  He and two other kids in his class will be doing this.  You know what's hard about that?  I wish more than anything I had someone to tell who would be as excited about that as me.  Brian would be so proud....and I miss not having someone to tell my kids successes (and failures).  The astounding thing about Nathan is that he has had to work hard to get to where he is at.  Reading did not come easy for him.  He had to work at it and he was never the strongest student in his class.  He has always been a "good" student but never to the level that he has attained this year.  I am SO PROUD of him and it makes me HOPE for the future for my kids.  Nathan is blossoming.....and I have had a front row seat to it.

I'm also excited about some opportunities I have through school to work within our community and schools.  I'll be doing a directed study this semester on crisis counseling and I have already begun the process of putting together a training event and crisis counseling team.  I have also received preliminary interest from the BISD administration to try to develop a way for our counseling center to serve as a resource/ministry  for our schools in times of crisis.  I am way jazzed about this.  It will be interesting to see where this goes.

Life is good....2009 is off and running.....looks like it is going to be a big one for change!  

Writing Sample

Nathan brought home his portfolio today with a great writing sample.  I was most impressed with the growth in his writing.  Actually, this was the first piece I have ever seen him write that included anything more than just the facts.  I may be bias, but I think it's pretty good for a nine year old.  His teacher picked his out of the class to use as an example....Nathan was so proud of that.  I am SO glad that this year is turning out better than it started.....

Just for fun....Here it is...spelling errors and all....

A Scary Ride?

Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch!  Goes the sound of our boat being pulled uphill.  You might guess where I'm at.....Well I'm at Disney World riding Splash Mountain.  My heart is pounding we're at the top of the hill.  I close my eyes and wait for it to be over.  Swooosh!  Wait a minute that wasn't the big hill that wasn't even a hill.  And now we're in a tunnel and going as slow as snails.  As I look around I see butterflies and catterpilars on flowers.  "Look over there!" shouts my sister while pointing at a bear and a rabbit.

A song starts playing and it sounds babyish.  I start to think I shouldn't of waited an hour in line for this, but I guess as long as I'm here I should injoy it.  So I looked around and heard birds singing, crickets chirping and frogs croking.  The air smelled like cloren, and the water was cold when it splashed up on me.  We are now entering a deep, dark tunnel.  I see an owl hoot then he says "don't go that way I warned you you'll be sorry".

I start to get worred.  The big hill is up next.  BumBumBum!...BumBumBum! goes my heaert pounding against my chest.  A million thoughts race through my head one of them is that we are going to plunge to our deaths.  

Chchchchchch ch!  By now we're at the top of the hill.  I look out and see everything even the castle.  I look down and see people that look like ants hunting for food.  The boat starts leaning forward.  Zoom!  We are plungeing down and I think my stomach is still at the top of the hill!  Splash!!  We're at the stashion platform again and I'm wet from head to toe with freezing cold water.  Then I turn to my mom and say "can we ride it again, please!"

Some spelling errors and grammar mistakes....but such an improvement in details and painting a picture.  He has gone from "just the facts" to this and I am very pleased and proud.

This puppy is costing me money....

One of my reasons for not getting a dog was that they cost money.  They need to go to the vet, they need to be fed, etc.  I told my kids many times that I didn't want the responsibility or the expense.  I was reminded of the truth of this fact last night.

My house lost power about 2:40pm yesterday.  I came home about 2:30 to get Nathan for his orthodontist appointment.  I let the dog out to use the bathroom but then put her back in her small crate in the house.  I knew we would be gone for a little while but little did I know that we would not be able to get back in our house.  When the power went out I lost my ability to get in the house.  For several months I have been using my garage door opener as my way into the house.  I haven't carried a house key in a while.

Obviously, when the power goes out the garage door opener does not work.  And, if you can't get in your house, you also can't get to your dog to let her out.  

To make a long story short...I called a locksmith at about 9:00pm and he came out and got us in our house so that poor Maggie could get out of her crate and not be stuck there all night alone.  

Surprisingly, the locksmith only charged me 55.00 to come let us in.  I was expecting a lot more.  

Yes, the dog costs me money...and stress...and is a big responsibility.......but she sure makes my kids happy.  They are really doing a fine job with her.  

Our power did not come back on until 7:30 this morning.  I made the right call to have someone get us in our house.  I can't imagine leaving her in there all night.  

It was an interesting evening.....and a long (and kind of cold) night....

For my power being back on tonight....I am sooooo grateful!

The Ball is Rolling...

I made some big (what I would consider big) decisions about my home tonight.  I've picked a texture, color and glaze for my kitchen and living areas.  I must say that I do not like the process. I have no talent in terms of picking colors and determining a "look".  It overwhelms me and I feel like a complete idiot.  There are many other things that I am competent at, this isn't one of them.

I had some good help tonight to compensate for my weaknesses.  I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out.  I'm a little nervous about it but really glad I am making some changes.  It just feels good to be changing.

I will take some pics and post the before and after.  They will be here on Thursday morning to start the process.  My house will be a wreck for about a week.  

For the opportunity to change....I am grateful....even if it is a little painful.

Oh yeah, I got my grades today for the three classes I took this Fall.  So far, I have a 4.0 after one year of doctoral work.  Woohooooo!  

Questions to Ponder

I've had several thoughts run through my head that I wanted to jot down before I forget them.  They are just questions I have been pondering lately.  I don't really have the answer to any of them but I am processing them.

1.  Do I do things for others in order to meet my own needs of significance or because I feel convicted that it is a matter of obedience or calling?  Is it ok that I get something out of giving to people or ministering to people in unique ways?  Do I do it because I get something out of it or because I am being obedient?  I am thinking that if the focus is on how I feel when I do it then I need to find some balance.  However, my intentions and motivations are good and so maybe the positive feelings are just a nice by-product.

2.  I've noticed lately that many people I know have blogs and are making them public.  They put them on their facebook page or even send out emails letting people know they have updated their blog.  My question is why I have been so reticent to share mine.  I think it is because it is a safe place for me to process thoughts and sometimes just vent.  I hope it is not because I can't be open with people.  I know that my public persona is different than my private persona.  However, I think that is necessary.  Who wants to hear about my grief all the time?  No one.  It would get old and would cause friendships to be lopsided.   And, there are times when I just need to whine and complain and be grumpy.  This blog has become my place to do that without wearing out a friendship.  

3.  Could this blog be modified in order to be made more public in hopes that it might encourage someone(s) going through similar circumstances?  If so, how would I edit it to make it a better read and to leave out the whiney stuff?

4.  Have I tried to answer a question that only God knows the answer to.  I have "decided" in my mind that it would be in the best interest of my kids to stay focused on them and building a new life for them alone.  When, in reality, the desire of my heart is that God would bring someone into my life.  I do want to be married again.  I really do.  However, I have convinced myself that it can't happen while my kids are young.  I hear conflicting opinions about it but it makes sense to me that I need to focus on them and them alone.  Yet, I am lonely and being a single parent sucks big time.  So, here I am...wanting something, but telling myself no.  Oh yeah, it's not like there have been any options or that I have turned anyone down.  No one has beat my door down and the true answer to my dad's question the other day was that "no one has wanted me dad".    What I want, hasn't wanted me.  Most eligibles are divorced or have major issues.  The never married guys don't want anything to do with a single mom with three kids.  Actually, I did tell my dad when he was pushing me on the issue, "well, dad, I guess I am just waiting for some women my age to die so there will be some eligible men available."  He got a good laugh out of it but it is true.  There just isn't much out there and the ones that are, aren't interested in taking on a whole family.  Yet, I can choose to be content in this life  that I have been given.  And, most of the time I try to do just that.  It doesn't help when everyone else thinks they know exactly how all of this is going to work out.  So, have I tried to answer this question on my own?  Maybe.  I don't know how I am supposed to look at it.  I really don't.  

I think that's enough for now....maybe I will flesh some more of this out later.

Off to a good start...

I am well on my way to accomplishing some of my New Year's goals.  I talked with a painter today and he is coming back over on Monday to talk colors and texture.  If all goes well, and I don't get cold feet, sometime late next week a transformation in my living and kitchen area will take place.  Woohoo!  It wasn't something I had on my agenda for today but it all fell into place and I decided to be "less cautious" and go for it.

So, two things down (be less cautious and change some things in my home) on my list.

Oh, yeah...I took Braden with me to pick up Panda Express for dinner tonight....does that count for one-on-one time?  Probably not.

Off to a good start, nonetheless...