Another Lexi Story....

Lexi is going through a real growing season spiritually. We have had some of the best discussions lately. I am thankful for the way her faith has become visible to me.

Today, in church, our pastor talked about events in our lives that are seered into our memories as spiritual markers. I didn't get to hear the whole sermon but I did hear some of it. I also noticed that people were carrying out small stones afterwards. I asked Lexi what she learned in church today (she sat in church with Miss Laura) and what the stone was for.

She told me that the stone was to remind her of what God did for us. I asked her what her stone reminded her of. She very quickly answered that it reminded her of how God helped us when daddy died.

I couldn't help but be touched by that. At this point in her life, the one thing that she knows God has done for us is that He helped us through her daddy's death. Wow. Only God can do that. Only God can allow something so tragic to be a defining point in a child's faith. Lexi knows God was with us.....what more could I ask or hope for.

I feel especially grateful for God's presence in our lives....

The Invisible Woman

My sister put me on to this video. I found it to be very insightful and inspiring. I pray that I would be willing to build cathedrals in my children....I may never see the result but I pray someone will....and I pray that it will be God who is glorfied.....Building cathedrals take sacrifice, may I be willing to sacrifice.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0#

The clouds are lifting....

I am grateful that over the past week or so God has showed Himself to me in several different ways. I have needed that. It has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my disposition.

One of the most difficult things for me continues to be the absence of the "voice of reason". Brian was always able to let me vent about work and help me sift through what was true and what was imagined. I miss that so much. I try to work through issues in my head but it just isn't the same. I honestly don't know how to learn to compensate for that. There is a limit to what others can do for me. They have their own lives and their own needs and issues. I can't rely on other people for that or I fear I will wear out our friendship.

I've learned to use a weedeater, buy parts for my lawnmower, manage a commercial building, negotiate with contractors, and juggle my schedule to squeeze out every last minute of available working and studying time. But, I can't figure out how to bridge that emotional gap that exists without a spouse. I can't be what Brian was to me. I can't encourage myself and affirm myself. I can't do that.

I don't know what to do about that. But I am learning some things not to do....maybe after that list is made what I can do will become more obvious.

Work has smoothed out. After having a week where all I heard was complaints, I had the opposite happen this week. Random people shared compliments about the ministry that served to encourage me. I am finding some new passions within my responsibilities. I see some opportunities to minister that excite me. I've had some luck enlisting some additional volunteers and made some adjustments in areas that needed it. God has been good to me. His timing seems a little delayed but that's from my perspective. I was reminded this week that God is always at work (John 5:17). I needed that reminder.

My role as a landlord/building manager has taken a positive turn. The relationship that has developed between me and my tenant is nothing short of miraculous. There has been a complete turn-around (f0r the better) in that relationship. I have been able to take care of some issues lately and in turn that has boosted my confidence in myself. My tenant has been complimentary (holy cow that is amazing) of my performance in managing the building. I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the guy who was managing my building prior to March 2008. I see now what a lousy job he was doing. I was too fragile to deal with it before then. It was too much for me to even consider. Now, I actually enjoy some of it. I like taking care of my own business. It feels empowering. I have a stronger sense of ownership now (which is silly because I have always owned the building) and I take pride in the way it looks and the way it is being taken care of.

Lexi and I are having some good discussions about what it means to follow Christ. We attended a musical at our church on Sunday night. Braden was a major handful to keep contained and my attention was constantly being averted to him. In the meantime, I noticed Lexi writing a note. I asked her about it later. She went and got an offering envelope that she had folded up and showed it to me. At first, she wouldn't show it to me or tell me about it. She said "it was very important" and she didn't want to talk about it. After some prodding she opened it up and it said "To: Mom From: Lexi I want to ask God into my heart". This was another reminder to me that God was at work in our family. We have talked about it each night this week and I believe she is very close to making that decision. Actually, she wants to do it now but I have been slowing her down a bit to make sure she understands the importance of the decision. I've asked her to find 3 people to interview about when they decided to follow Christ. She has a couple of questions she is supposed to ask them. After she does that I told her we would talk about it again. I am praying that God will continue to work in her life and that I will know how to guide her through this process. Over the years I have helped hundreds of kids accept Christ...this is what I have looked forward to since becoming a parent....leading my own children to Christ.....what a huge responsibility and blessing.


.....yes, the clouds are lifting....and for that, I am soooooo grateful.

Not there yet....

It's been a while since I last updated my blog. It's been a rough week or so. There are lots of issues brewing at work and I am trying my best to get things under control. It seems to be a season of difficulty right now. I have heard more complaints about various issues over the past two weeks than I have heard in a couple of years. It seems that every where I turn someone is unhappy or wanting more of something. I am trying to evaluate my performance and figure out what I can do better to avoid some of it. I am also making some changes so that, hopefully, my kids can go to worship with me at least once or twice a month. As it stands, I never get to go unless I have a direct responsibility in the service...which isn't very often.

I am a little discouraged about where I am right now. Nothing is really clicking for me. Friendships are fading, connections are weakening and I think people are frustrated with me being discouraged.

I'm not there yet....I'm not where I want to be....I believe I am on the right path, but I am not there yet. Not only am I not there yet, I am also frustrated with the fact that I am not there yet. I am trying to remind myself to find joy in the journey...its working to a degree but its a struggle.

I went to church in Oklahoma this weekend with my family. I got to go to church with no responsibilities (and that was nice). However, I didn't fit there either. I really just wanted to be at my church worshipping with the people I have grown to love. I did learn a few things. My nephew, who is 15, shared his testimony that morning. It wasn't polished and it wasn't perfectly smooth. However, God spoke to me through it. He reminded me that all of us have a story and God uses our stories to minister to people. My nephew shared how after he gave his testimony at a backyard VBS that two kids wanted to follow Christ. One of the kids came up to Cody (my nephew) afterwards and said "I like your story. I want Jesus". Cody was blown away that God could use his simple story to reach someone.

Isn't that what it is all about? Each of us have a story....and God wants to use those stories to bring people to Him.

I pray my story would honor God and would speak of God's love and compassion....may I be willing (just like Cody was) to share it and trust God with the results....

Nope, I am not there yet....but I am on my way...

Seasons and Change

We've begun to catch a small glimpse of the season change that is coming here in Texas. Granted, our seasons are very mild and we tend to live in two or three seasons at once. Texas is a great place to live if you aren't too fond of extreme seasonal changes.

I've been thinking about this concept of "seasons" a lot today. If I look at my life I can recognize many different seasons of life, love and ministry. Most of those seasonal changes came with very little warning and some of the seasons I have experienced have been extreme and harsh.

In terms of my life right now, I have begun to realize that I really have very little control over the seasons of my life. I certainly did not choose to be in this season of single parenting, yet that is where I am at.

One of the things that I have thought about today is that while we can't control the seasons (of nature or of our life), we can adapt and adjust to them. There are certain things that we do to prepare for the season of winter. We put covers over our faucets, we check the heating unit, we put pre-emergent down (learned that just this year), etc. We prepare for it because we know these adjustmets need to be made in order to benefit from the seasonal change.

I find myself struggling to make the adjustments necessary to benefit from the change of seasons in my own life. I am still trying to act as though it is Spring in my life....when really, it's winter. It's foolish of me not to recognize that things have changed and so must I.

I came home from work today at lunch and cried a good long cry. I found myself standing in the kitchen crying out to God in a similar way I found myself the day Brian died. I told God, just like I told everyone that day, "I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do"....

I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what is best for my kids right now. I really don't know what is best for me.

The only thing that keeps running through my head is this...."a new season was forced on me....I need to make adjustments....and realize that Spring will be here again....but not until the work of winter is done"

God, I thank you for seasons of life, love and ministry. Help me to recognize the adjustments that need to be made and give me the courage to make those changes.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place...

I am usually a very stable person. I don't get too excited and I don't get too depressed about many things. I guess I could be seen as boring and hard to read. I have a difficult time expressing what I am feeling so I usually just keep it to myself.

Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. I'm really not comfortable functioning that way. It's very frustrating and disconcerting.

I feel "different". I am struggling to know where I fit in anymore. I don't feel single but it is becoming painfully more obvious that I have less and less in common with married people. I find myself having negative feelings about the difference in my life and in the life of others. Maybe it's delayed anger. It makes me a little angry that my list of responsibilities has gotten so long. I guess I am just struggling with the life that I now have and wondering why I am in this position...a.k.a. "why isn't life a little more fair"?

On the other hand, I know we have made such great progess. I believe my kids are going to be more than just ok. We have our good days and bad days, but I don't think they are suffering much more than any other average kid in America. I also truly believe that I have done my best to work through this loss and that eventually the sun will shine again....brightly!

I go from "knowing" this is where I am supposed to be to "questioning" myself mercilessly.

Spiritually, I am trying to put myself in a position where I am as close to God as I can possibly be so that I will be able to follow His lead. It's not always easy to make the time necessary to hear His voice. My life is so noisy right now. I've got to find those quiet moments and treasure them. I've worked on that this week and I plan to continue to pursue Him until I am confident in His direction for my life.

The kids are doing well in school and Braden seems to be doing much better. We have established a routine and I am trying to be more deliberate about teaching them principles from the Bible. Tonight we had "family time" and we talked about Ephesians 6. Of course I had to emphasize the "honor" your parents part, but it is also a chapter about doing your best as though you are doing it for God. I see some sloppiness in their efforts and so I challenged them to do their best even when they don't feel like it.

I guess the bottom line is that there are just a lot of "unsettled" feelings right now. It's not depression so much as it is confusion and uncertainty. I am praying God will help me sift through the issues that cause those feelings and make wise choices.

I want to be nothing less than obedient to God and His call on my life. God, give me the courage to do that.

An eventful day....

This is a picture of some roses that were delivered to the office this afternoon for me. I tried to count how many there were and I stopped at 70. I have never seen so many roses in one vase. The card said it was in appreciation for what you do for our little ones and was signed from FBC Preschool Parents. I don't know what to say. I have been discouraged lately. I am so thankful for the position that God has given me and for the way the church has ministered to me and the kids over the years. I feel unworthy of such a gift. I am humbled and reminded of God's goodness in my life, even in the midst of great struggle He is there.

The kids and I ended up celebrating Brian's birthday a little differently that we had in the past. One of the best traits about Brian was his generosity. He was a giver and often helped people in tangible ways. I shared with the kids a story about one time when he delivered a gift to someone and left it on their front porch for them to find when they came home. He never told the people that he did it and I remember being so proud of him and his thoughtfulness (the family had their clothes dryer go out and they needed a new one but didn't have the money...so he went to Best Buy and loaded one up in his pickup and dropped it off at their house while they were gone). To this day they don't know that he did that.

The kids liked that story and so I told them I wanted to do something for someone else in honor of their dad's birthday. We chose a family in our church who has taken in 6 children. We went to Target and bought a basket full of stuff that they could use. We drove it out to their house and I let the kids deliver it.

We then came home and ate Brian's favorite cake with some good friends.

It was simple....but a good day.

I hope the kids will remember the joy they got from being generous. I hope they will grow up to be generous like their dad.

I was still sad today. I hate it that he isn't here. But, it was an ok day.

I think Brian would have been pleased to see what we did today.

It wasn't a perfect day any means.....the kids were grumpy at times and I was impatient....but we muddled through it and made a new memory of giving.

For Brian's life and the lessons he taught us....I am grateful.

Tomorrow's his birthday....

If Brian were still alive he would be 39 tomorrow.

I've made no plans to celebrate his birthday. I just don't have the energy or desire to do so this year. I've talked with the kids about some ideas for how we could honor him on his birthday. But, I haven't decided what to do yet.

Part of me wants to do nothing. I just don't want to go there.

The other part of me thinks I will regret it if I do nothing.

My kids are expecting something.

Maybe I will delay it to the weekend. Brian's parents are coming in for grandparents day on Thursday. Last year we did a nice dinner. I don't plan to try to recreate that.

I'm just not sure what to do....and I am not sure why I feel so ambivalent about it.

Experience has taught me that I will know what to do when it gets here....things have usually fallen into place or become obvious.

Why do I want to pretend tomorrow is just another day? What does that say about me? What would be best for the kids?

Until tomorrow....praying I will know how to handle it....