Identity Issues

I continue to struggle with some identity issues. The issues beome magnified when I am in a new situation or meet a new group of people who do not know my past history or my personal struggles. I think it is a good struggle, one that is born out of a need to make my status as a widow only one of the many identifying factors about my life. Yes, I am a widow. Yes, it has profoundly changed me and it makes me a little different than most 38 year old mothers. However, it is not all of me. It no longer is the central defining aspect of my life. It is a huge part of me but it is only ONE part of me.

In order to continue to grow forward my identity has to go beyond my marital status. I can not allow my "widow" status to overshadow all of the other aspects of my life and personality that make me unique.

Yet, while the desire is there to resolve some of the identity issues that I have, I don't have complete clarity as to how to make that happen. Perhaps some of it will continue to occur naturally. Certainly though, some of it will be deliberate choices that I make.

Life after Brian continues to evolve and amaze me. I am at peace with our relationship and the fact that it ended prematurely. It doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't happened. But, it does mean that I have accepted that it is over and I have chosen not to try to act as though it were possible to be in love with someone who is no longer here. And, while I am not thankful for the loss, I am thankful for the lessons that this loss has taught me. I will never be the same and that is a good thing.

My life is going on without him....as he would want it to.......and now I am finding that I WANT and NEED life to go on too.

For that I am grateful....