Interesting Day

I managed to sneak into the morning service and hear most of the sermon today. It was about faith and how once we become convicted that we are to do something that we trust God with the outcome. It hit home with me because I have been struggling so much with knowing how to rebuild my life and what it should look like. There are very few things that I am certain about any more and I find myself questioning and analyzing myself to death. I left there realizing that faith is a sort of partnership. God does what only He can do and He expects me to do what He asks me to do. In other words, we both have a stake in it.....and there are things that God wants to do in my life but he is waiting for me to submit my life to his will and purposes. The hard part for me is knowing exactly what it is that He has asked me to do. I tend to look at obedience as though it were the very small part of the target and I am expected to hit a bullseye in order to be in His will. I am learning that obedience isn't so much about the bullseye as it is about focusing my life on finding God's purpose for my life....the big picture....


And so....after I had heard that sermon....I went away from it thinking to myself..."ok God, you do what only you can do and I commit to doing my part...whatever that is...I want to do it".....

And then.....I went shopping.....I needed a new outfit for the interview I have on Friday with the PhD committee....I went on Friday and Saturday and had no luck....so out of desparation I enlisted a friend to go with me because I have no fashion sense whatsoever.....and so we went this afternoon.....

Much to my delight and surprise we found everything we needed at one store....we were finishing up in the lingerie department at Macy's where I got some hose and a camisole......just a side note, I have never been real comfortable in the lingerie section.....I don't know why, but I always hope I don't run in to someone I know....it's just the way I am....

And here is where the story gets interesting......

As I am paying (in the lingerie section), down the aisle walks Dr. M. (she is the professor who is recommending me on Friday to the committee). I had a brief moment of indecision....I didn't know whether to pretend like I didn't see her and turn where she wouldn't recognize me...or to just go ahead and say hello.

I chose to wave and say hello to her....

She came over and we had the nicest conversation in the lingerie department in Macy's...just five days before my big interview.....what are the chances of that? She was very affirming....supportive and encouraging about my upcoming interview.....she complimented the paper I had written for the application and said some things I wasn't expecting to hear.....

So...what is that about? I really don't know.....but I think maybe God has a pretty good sense of humor.....

There is a part of me that feels like our chance meeting was a divine appointment....because her affirmation provided me with a little bit more confidence about myself and about God's direction for my life.....and I can always use a little of that.....

For an interesting day like today....I am grateful.....

Kids are always thinking....

I was reminded this week that my kids are continuing to try to process what has happened in our family. Braden, who is four, has been very engaged lately in trying to understand why his daddy died. On the way home from church Wednesday night he asked me "what does adopted mean"? I told him that sometimes when a child doesn't have a mommy or daddy that a family will choose to make that child part of their family. He asked more questions....I continued to answer them....then he said "why doesn't God give me a new daddy?"

Braden is just trying to figure it all out....his questions are difficult to answer....and many times his questions create a whole new set of issues to try to talk through with my kids....

I won't go into my long explanation about why God doesn't give him a new daddy.....but the night ended with me laying in bed with my oldest, Nathan, reassuring him that if anything happened to me that he would be taken care of and that he wouldn't go to an orphanage (because that is where Lexi thought kids went if their parents died)....blah, blah, blah....I told him nothing was going to happen to me so he didn't need to worry about that.....I told him I planned to play with the grandkids he was going to give me some day....he just giggled...

I know that I can't guarantee that nothing will happen to me....but I also don't want to encourage worry or concern....I told him that we don't know what will happen in our lifetime but that we just had to live one day at a time.

I never dreamed I would be having these types of conversations with my kids.....and I do sometimes worry about how my kids would do if something happened to me....but I can't and don't let it consume me...

Braden also asked me how old daddy was when he died....and then he wanted to know how old I was.....he's trying so hard to understand it.....

.....me too....me too....

All in a day's work...

I almost had to call the fire department tonight. I was cooking hamburgers on my new grill and it got out of control....flames everywhere.....I didn't know what to do.....had a few minutes of excitement before I ran and got the hose and shot the flames down from a distance. After it was all over I felt sort of foolish....I shouldn't have let it get out of hand....but it happened so fast....and I was MOST annoyed that my brand new grill was seemingly going up in flames....

I just THOUGHT I had become a great griller.....guess I still have a few things to learn.....but, hey, my neighbor told me exactly what to do if it happened again....and he SAYS that my grill will be ok....I guess my project for tomorrow is to try to clean off the soot from the fire that burned the you know what out of those burgers....

The burgers were like brilo pads when it was all said and done....what a waste of 15.00 worth of meat......

Note to self....don't buy Kroger brand hamburger meat that doesn't tell whether it is lean or fatty.....apparently the product had a little to do with the problem...as well as the cook....

Sometimes life is all about putting out the fires.....I seem to run from one fire to the next.....to the next...to the next.....all in a day's work....

Losing Perspective

Its happened again.....I have lost perspective...I have allowed myself to get so focused on fear that I have lost the big picture.

The circumstances of my life right now shouldn't dictate how I respond or react....circumstances shouldn't have so much control over my outlook....

I am beyond frustrated with having to wear a hat that doesn't fit me.....I am letting it get to me....

I just want to be a mom, an employee and maybe a student........not a business person, a landlord, a general contractor, a dad, etc.....etc...

I am not a good landlord.....I am not an entrepreneur.....and the last thing in the world that I should be doing is trying to make decisions about what kind of drainage system I need to solve some of the issues I am having at the commercial property....

I don't like the games....I don't like trying to figure dishonest people out.....I don't like trying to chase down people to do the things they said they would do.....I don't like bugging my CPA to PLEASE try to get my taxes done by the deadline....

I just want to be responsible for me and my three children......

Is that too much to ask......

I've lost perspective......

The interesting thing is that I know better.....I know better than to let this happen.....I know that perspective is something I can control and yet I am allowing others to control my perspective.....

Reminds me of Paul......I know better...yet I allow it to happen...and participate in it......

Perspective begins with an acknowledgement that God is painting on a canvas larger than we can see or imagine.....I think Louie Giglio said something like that in a sermon I recently watched on the internet.....trust is essential....

I'm a work in progress....

Fear of Loss

For me, life has become a lot about fear of loss. I find that many of my fears are related to losing something....and fear has been driving many of my decisions lately. I fear not being able to take care of my kids the way I think they should be taken care of....I fear making the wrong decisions about my career or education because I know they will impact my kids....I fear losing the financial security that I feel like I need in order not to be afraid of my future....I fear failing at work or home or school....I fear not being able to take care of myself when I am old....is that stupid or what? It's not like Brian and I had our future all mapped out...things were going well but we had our share of bumps and bruises along the way.....but I wasn't afraid...not like I am now....

If I let it, fear holds me captive....it erodes my confidence....it causes me to retreat and want to hunker down and protect what I have and risk nothing.....

I fear change......I hate taking risks.....I am afraid I will mess the rest of my life up....and my kids.....

Maybe I have shifted into a defensive mode.....just trying to protect who we are and what we have.....instead of welcoming the new opportunities that may come our way...and being thankful for the blessings of life that we do have.....

Fear of loss....it has a strong grip on my right now.....

The rollercoaster of life is wearing me down.....I'm trying to wear hats that don't fit.....and I am ashamed that I am letting difficult people rock my world.....

I am so tired of wearing hats that don't fit.....hats that Brian wore so well and so easily just don't fit me...........

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.....absolutely nothing.....there are things in my life that I have no control over....and those things are eating me up right now....

I need to get a grip.......Hi, my name is Shelly and I am afraid of my future.....

.......arghhhhh.......this isn't what I signed up for.....

Where do I get a refund?

Nothing is Simple

I realized yesterday that even though I may be ready to make some changes in my life it really isn't that simple.

My vehicle has 87,00 miles on it. It makes sense to me to consider getting a different one before this one hits 100,000 and the value goes too low. I made some phone calls and had a plan for a different vehicle. I showed up at school to pick my kids up test-driving the new vehicle. Lexi was elated and Nathan began to cry.

It was hardly the reaction I was hoping for. I thought the kids would be excited....not so much. Nathan had quite a few tears over it and when it was all said and done I decided to back off and hold off on making the change. I realize that I am the parent and that I have to make the decisions that are in the best interest of our family....and I understand that at some point I WILL have to make a change....but, I do want to take his feelings into consideration....and if I do that then it makes sense for me to wait a little longer to give him time to get used to the idea.

It got me to thinking about "change".....I believe that I am ready to make some changes in my life....I was actually pretty pumped about this decision....it's one of many decisions that I will need to make over the next few years as our needs change and as things wear out....it made me realize that I need to address "change" with Nathan....things can't stay the same forever...and he has to learn to be a little more adaptable and open to new things....on a side note, Nathan is a very compliant child who rarely ever bucks my decisions....which is what made me want to take a step back from the deal....because he usually is not so emotional about things....and trying to figure out exactly what is going on inside his head is proving to be elusive.....there is a small part of this that I believe is tied to the fact that his dad purchased this car for me as a surprise...and that was a really cool thing.....but I don't think his reaction is just about that....I think it is a combination of things.....

I guess you could say I am mildly disappointed about the whole ordeal.....and maybe reality has given me pause for discouragement....it's like now that I want to make some changes I can't....because I guess maybe my kids aren't as ready for change as I am....and that is discouraging....because nothing is simple anymore...or so it seems....

Then again....it's just a vehicle....and I can be patient for the right time.....I just want change to be simple....and it isn't....

Spiritual Focus

For the past few days I have felt more spiritually focused than I have been in a long while. It's hard to put my finger on when it began to happen but some growth is occuring. I am finding that my personal devotion time is more meaningful than it has been in a long time.

There is a thirst for God that has been missing for a while.

I have heard several sermons lately that have touched me deeply.....

I am seeing things more clearly.....

I have felt a heavy conviction that my spiritual focus has been almost non-existent for the last few months.

It's been subtle....but my lack of focus has impacted how I am able to live out God's purpose for my life....

God's purpose for my life.....I need to be focused on that again.....I need to be passionate about it.....


My life needs to be less about me....less about the past.....and more about loving and serving the God who loves me....

God, help me to find my focus again......

Thoughts

It's been a better week. I believe God has provided some affirmations for me through various people. I am thankful when I can recognize those affirmations and accept them.

My oldest son brought home his TAKS benchmark scores and his scores were terrific. I am proud of him because it wasn't too long ago that I worried about his reading and whether he would ever hit his stride. More than pride though is a huge sense of relief. He is doing well. He is doing more than just ok.....huge relief......super huge relief........monumental relief....he's learning to work hard and right now, he is enjoying the fruits of his hard work.

I got started reading the Message Bible because of the contemporary language it uses....when I read it things seem to connect with me better than any other translation. One particular passage that I came across this week was:

Psalm 19:7-9

"The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are always right, showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree."

When I read this passage this week I realized that God's plan for my life isn't supposed to be a huge mystery. I tend to try to make things way too complicated. God knows my heart. He knows my desires. He has gifted me and prepared me for the things He wants me to do. All I really have to do is keep my relationship with Him open....if I will just earnestly seek after Him, everything will be clear....and I will begin to see His hand in my life as He works all things together for God......


So, I need to put more emphasis on seeking after Him.....and less emphasis on worrying about whether I am going to make the wrong choice....this passage indicates that it will be pretty clear what I am supposed to do.....it doesn't mean that it will be easy....or comfortable.....but it should be pretty obvious....


It's been a good week....for that I am grateful...