Alone with my grief...post two

In my last post I talked about being "alone" with my grief. I was trying to put into words the feelings that had accompanied some of the grief work I had done (writing the letter to Brian). I think maybe I now understand better what was going on with me.

Although I didn't understand it at the time, the letter to Brian was a huge milestone in the grief process. It provided some closure that I didn't even realize how desparately I needed. I wrote the letter because I got to a point where I knew I had to let go of some of the emotions I had been holding in since he died. It was like the emotional pressure inside of me became unbearable. I had to let some of it out. I had to let some of it go.

So I did. And then when I did....when I told him good-bye, I felt more alone than ever before. He was really gone. And it hurt. And I have been emotionally on edge ever since. At first there was a big sense of relief. Then came the "aloneness". It isn't a "physical aloneness"...I have been dealing with that reality since the day he died. I am talking about an emotional aloneness....it's like it finally sunk in that I really am no longer married...and I am realizing that It is impossible to be in love with someone who is dead....and not only that....I now understand that I can't rebuild my life unless I accept that it is not healthy for me to keep trying to be emotionally married to Brian....maybe part of the healing includes reclaiming the emotional part of me that was married to Brian. I have a life to rebuild... I have to do it alone....and it sucks!

The weird thing is that I now find myself thinking about him less. I feel disconnected from him in a way that is hard to describe. I really, truly do not feel married anymore...I just feel alone. How does that happen? I don't get it. I still love him and will always cherish the memory of our life together. I just don't feel as connected to him any more....and that makes me sad....and that makes me feel extremely alone, vulnerable and even insecure.....

I am not sure anyone will understand this post. I am not sure I understand it. I just know that some things in my emotional world have changed pretty significantly....and I am trying to work through it....