I'm alone with my grief now. The crowds have gone home. No one is watching. I can let my emotional guard down and not worry if someone is going to notice.
Driving home tonight I started crying. I haven't done that in a long time. The car used to be the place where I would always start crying...early in the journey I rarely went anywhere without crying on my way....It was dark and my kids didn't notice. I was thinking about what Brian would say to me if he was given a chance to say good-bye. I really don't know what he would say....and it is very painful to think about....
Being alone with my grief has allowed me the freedom to experience it in ways I haven't been able to do up until now. Of course I realize that it has only been my own perception that has caused me to think anyone was watching me anyway. But, perception is reality in our own minds. And, in my mind....I haven't felt alone with my grief until now.
It is necessary for me to be alone with my grief. Much progress has been made...many issues have been addressed....I am more relaxed with it...more in tune with it...and the strength and support that my friends have shown has prepared me to be alone with it...to face it...to walk through the middle of it....to be strong enough to work through the yucky parts....
And so I think that is where I am at....alone with my grief...trying hard to face it....determined to walk through the middle of it...in hopes that there will be some brighter days ahead...hopefully soon.
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6 comments:
I applaud you for taking the steps necesary to be alone with your grief. I would imagine that is not an easy thing to do, but you knew it was what you needed and you did it. It would seem to me that being alone with your grief is a part of what makes this ting called "grief" your own personal experience, different from everyone elses'.
I think you are moving a little more down the road that you are on and that IS progress. I know that those brighter days will come and I will pray that they come soon.
On a side note, I wonder how this and your other recent posts play into the working world. Just a thought.
I agree with Smitty when she wrote, "It would seem to me that being alone with your grief is a part of what makes this thing called "grief" your own personal experience, different from everyone elses'." Because most of us haven't experienced what you've experienced I can imagine it must feel like you are all alone with your grief, but you are never truly alone, and you know that. You are dealing with your grief more and more, coming to grips with your life journey, and perhaps that is what is giving you the freedom to experience your grief in different ways. Or as Smitty said, you are "thawing out."
I find it rather sad that having known you all these years that I'm only now knowing you, and then only through your blog. I appreciate your heart and look forward to your posts.
Remember, "joy comes in the morning," and I know that your dawn is coming.
May His peace continue to be with you and your children.
B~
Thanks my friends....
Smitty...not sure how it plays into the working world....except that it has been hard to keep all the plates spinning....but that is somewhat normal...for my job anyway...
Bruce....
I don't know if it came across this way but it is actually a relief to be alone with it...to have a little more freedom to deal with it....I think I avoided being alone with it for a long time...stayed busy adapting and adjusting...etc.
For whatever reason, this has become a safe place for me to let out some of the "junk". I have a hard time letting others into my emotional world....and I guess I almost forgot you all were even there when I wrote the letter to Brian....
Thanks for listening....I do appreciate your insight and comments...and support....and it has been fun getting to know you at a different level through blogging....who woulda thunk? Is there such thing as an "internet community group"? Ha...
An internet community group? Why yes, there does seem to be one, eh?
Thanks for the hug this morning. I'm really seeing a difference in your eyes, the windows to our souls.
Be at peace with where you are.
B~
count me in..re: the internet community group..I seem to learn so much here ......your honesty is very inspiring....easier to live honest here maybe.....counting on Him working through a community we don't actually have to see or physically open ourselves up to....but maybe if we learn here we are of more use later?? Your journey is powerful and the interactions here are huge as well....thanks and much prayer
hi shelley very much say yes to the internet community here thank you for letting us in withyou shelley I agree totally with bjk several people on here have been such wonderful friends on the journey your osts touch me deep cuz i lost my father at a young age dont know how i really ever grieved because i think i buried it all I hope to be an interacter as well already have for sometime now with laura and becky they challenge me very much hope you keep on at your own pace as you muddle thru :)
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