Transitions in Grief

I have noticed lately a few transitions in my grief. They aren't huge milestones but they are subtle differences that point toward healing.

I had Lexi's 6th birthday party at my house last weekend. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun. I don't know when I have been more exhausted....12 kindergartners is way too many in my book....I have a new appreciation for her teacher because she has 21 in the class every day.

I was nervous about the party because I didn't know many of the moms and I knew most of them were planning on staying. It is still a little awkward to have people in my home and wonder what they are thinking....do they know Lexi's dad died? Do they wonder why I still have a lot of pictures of him in our house? ETC. ETC. ETC.

I had activities and games planned but the kids were most excited about Lexi's room. Brian built an incredible castle/bed for Lexi that always seems to draw a great deal of attention. I guess because I see it every day I sometimes forget what a special gift that was for Lexi. As the moms ooohhed and aaahed over it I found myself feeling so proud and thankful for the dad Lexi had. It was almost as if Brian was there that night because his gift to Lexi was the hit of the party.

It wasn't until after the party that I realized that not once that night did I feel sad that Brian wasn't there. Not once did I almost cry. Not once did I have to leave the room to compose myself. I was actually proud and grateful for the kind of dad Brian was...the kind of dad that leaves behind tangible expressions of his love....

I think that is a transition worth noting. Although I can't explain it and it does feel a little strange, a sense of profound gratefulness took the spotlight off of the sadness....even if just for two hours at Lexi's birthday party.

Yes, there is still sadness...yes, I still think about him every waking hour of every day....but, there is some healing going on....and I believe there are more transitions to come....