I have been asking myself why I wrote the last post....what is the significance? Was I just feeling especially sentimental or was there a purpose for it? I wrestled with that question for a couple of days and decided there was a point to it....and here it is....
When I wrote that last post I reconnected with Brian at a level that I hadn't in a while. In order to survive emotionally I have tried to disconnect the feelings for him, the relationship I had with him. In some weird, twisted way it made it easier to deal with the loss if I took out the emotional connection....I am not sure this is making any sense....but, it was actually a coping mechanism that worked for me....disconnect yourself from your feelings for him and it is less painful.....talk about him but don't feel for him anymore....focus on your kids loss and on the functionality of the loss (spend your energies on adapting and adjusting)...but don't go where the feelings are....it is way too painful and way too personal....
So...what I found was that it was actually helpful to reconnect...yes, it was extremely painful and there were lots of tears shed...but I think it was just another part of the healing process.....perhaps this WAS the "good-bye" that we never had...it almost helped finish some business for me....I can't say that it cured my grief or that it was this huge break-through...but I do think it was significant....
So where do I go from here....not sure...but maybe I am a little further down the road....and for that I am grateful.
By the way, I guess this blog has officially turned into my grief journal...for now...sorry for the redundant theme but this is where I am at....and someday it won't be all about grief...but until then...so sorry.
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4 comments:
please don't be sorry...I'm scared to go through what you've been through and yet you are getting through it....That's hope in a hopeless world.....thanks
please don't be sorry...I'm scared to go through what you've been through and yet you are getting through it....That's hope in a hopeless world.....thanks
I agree with Becky, don't apologize for these posts. This blog IS your grief journal, and it will be your life journal if you want it to be. It will be whatever you want it to be, but make it yours.
I had a good friend who was the chaplin with the Arlington Police. When talking to survivors of suicide (those left behind) he often told them, in order to deal with their grief, loss, pain and anger, to write the person a letter expressing the emotions they were experiencing. Even though Brian's death wasn't a suicide, he was taken from you so suddenly you never had closure with him. I think what you are writing now will start to do that for you - give you closure.
His peace Shelly, one day at a time.
B~
BJK and Bruce,
Thanks for the support...I really do appreciate it.
It occurred to me today that maybe I had now said my good-bye to Brian...and part of me felt like that was progress and part of me felt like it was too soon to say good-bye...that it seemed too final....that I wasn't ready to completely let go of him...it is that whole mixed bag of emotions that is confusing...relief, guilt, hope, despair, etc.
Yet....I know in order to move on and heal I have to begin saying good-bye....and letting go....
The only thing that is missing is a response back from him...wish he could tell me good-bye too....guess that is another post....wonder what he would say....uh-oh the tears are welling...better stop...
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