I was once asked what I would say to Brian if I had five more minutes with him. At the time I couldn't go there. It seemed pointless...way too painful....and so I avoided the question..Until now...for some reason I have felt the need to try to put into words what I would say to him if I had the chance....
Brian,
I loved you with all my heart. I want you to know that it is because of your love that I am continuing to live...continuing to try...continuing to put one foot in front of the other....continuing to get up each day...
I miss you so much. You are constantly on my mind and in my heart....every day...every time I get still or I am alone with my thoughts....you are there...I will never forget the way you loved me...the way you loved our kids.....never....
The kids....for the most part they are doing well...they miss you and miss your presence in their life. We talk about you a lot and remember the fun times we had....you'd be amazed at some of the little things you did that they remember with such great detail...I remind them over and over again how much you loved them....I know they are going to make it....and I know that the reason they are doing as well as they are doing is because of the investment you made in them while you were here.....you were an awesome father....I am so proud of who you were as a father....thank you for loving our kids...thank you for making them such a priority in your life....
The further I get in this journey the more grateful I am becoming for what we had. You were such a support to me....you encouraged me to have dreams and allowed me to follow those dreams. We were a team....it wasn't all about you...it was all about "us". I am so grateful for the way you loved me...you were such a gentle and kind man....thank you for the gift of your love.
The days and nights have gotten easier....more manageable....there are even moments when the future seems alluring and bright....I try to reach forward as much as I can....but it is still hard. My emotions aren't always on the surface like they once were....but they are there....and I am coming to realize that those emotions are evidence of the love we shared....
I am not sure how to make peace with your abrupt departure....I don't understand it....I wish I did....I'd love to have one more good-bye....I'd give anything to have you hold me one more time....to tell you how important you are to me and how much I love you....to listen to the latest plan you have up your sleeve for your business....but we weren't given that last good-bye....and I am learning to live in spite of that....I know that we still have your support and love...even if it is unspoken....it screams at me every time I think of what you might want for us now that you are gone....there is much freedom to rebuild our lives....but it doesn't make it any easier to let go of you...to let go of the dreams we had....to let go of who we might have become....
There will be no 50th wedding anniversary party for our kids to plan....no more family pictures taken that will include you....your presence will be missed at all the big and small moments of life...but....there will be a part of you that each of us carries with us for the rest of our life.. I am working hard to incorporate the parts of you that made our life sweet....I am bringing the "best of Brian" into the new life we are building. It is the most fulfilling part of this experience....the times when I am able to bring the best of who you were into our future....
I know I can't hold on to your memory at the expense of rebuilding our lives....and so I am trying to let go of what I need to let go of in order to reach forward for the life God is calling me to live...it isn't easy and at times it even seems disloyal....to think of life being great without you in it....but...each step that I take inspires me to take the next one...and the next one after that....and every once in a while I get a look in the rear-view mirror and I can see how far I have already traveled...and it gives me hope for the future....even without that one last good-bye.
Grateful for your love,
Shelly
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4 comments:
Thanks for putting this out there...you are in my prayers.
This post was one of most moving ones I've read in a long while; shouldn't have read it at work, I got so choked up. Perhaps it was because I knew Brian and I know you. Perhaps I know how tough this was for you. Perhaps it was because of the open, raw honesty in which you wrote. I wish I could have gotten to know Brian better.
Let the healing continue.
His peace.
B~
bjk---thank you for your prayers...and encouragement.
Bruce...
The post was the hardest thing I have ever written....buckets of tears....and there is some fine tuning to do on it....it is pretty rough in spots...perhaps I will edit it later....
I surely hope the healing continues...
Shelly
Whoa....that was beautiful.
Completely blindsided by it.
It's interesting how time changes things. I think what amazes me most by it is that you were so incredibly vulnerable and honest. Consider this a HUGE step in reaching forward. I think this just goes to show that you are going to make it. Incredibly moving...
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